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Original poster

I don't want to have sex anymore with my husband

87 replies

UKSouthwesterner · 07/08/2023 18:28

Can anyone share any advice from their own similar situation from past experience on this matter please? I just don't find my husband attractive in a sexual way anymore and I don't know what to do about living with him because of this.
I love him very much, but I just don't fancy him anymore. I was very much in love in the beginning of course, but there have been so many chips away at our shared life, that has chipped away the passion and desire and I don't think it could be resurrected. We have two children, one is a preteen and one older, both living at home of course, we have pets and a business together - so it is really entangled. I really enjoy his company as best friends but I avoid sexual contact whenever he approaches the matter. For me it is partly that he and I have had so many struggles and he has let me down so much, he has promised the earth so many times and over and over delivered a few grains of sand. It is so difficult, I cannot imagine what I would do if we separated either as we have such an entangled life together. Has anyone been through anything similar and what did you do to solve it? I just do not know what to do, if I was wealthy I would know what to do, but we are on the breadline and life is so tough already :-(

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:33

VeryWeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 20:32

Glad you agree now for some reason @adriftabroad 😂

Yes, dear

BalletBob · 07/08/2023 20:33

I think there's some duff advice on here, and also some comments that seem to be missing some big clues in the OP.

Do you think that you've genuinely just gone off sex altogether, or have you gone off sex specifically with your husband because he's a selfish and unsupportive partner? If the lack of desire is a symptom of your marriage actually being a bit shit and unfulfilling, can these issues be worked on? Is he capable of understanding the ways he's let you down and then making changes? If not, isn't the lack of sex sort of the least of your worries?

As for "sexless relationships are just friendships", that is not necessarily true whatsoever. It may well be true in this case, but it isn't always. Lots of couples find themselves unable to have a sex life due to illness, injury, MH, life circumstances etc, but remain absolutely committed and deeply in love. It's insulting for people to reduce their relationships down to "friendship" just because they don't understand that romantic love can be so much more than just sex.

Bananas1350 · 07/08/2023 20:33

Loving someone as a companion and loving someone as a sexual partner are in my opinion very different.

I love my husband as a sexual partner. I want to lay in bed next to him. I want him to touch me. I look forward to our nights together. Doesn’t matter how u look at it. The two relationships are different. In a huge way.

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:36

So many threads over the years "I presumed he was sorting himself out"

MissJoGrant · 07/08/2023 21:08

If you've decided that you and your DH are never having sex again then you absolutely have to tell him. It isn't remotely acceptable to make this decision and keep it a secret. Good luck, whatever happens.

MissJoGrant · 07/08/2023 21:10

YouAreNotBatman · 07/08/2023 20:06

A relationship without sex is just a friendship,

I really wish people would stop saying this non-sense garbage.
Relationship without ses isin’t just a friendship.
What a sad view on relationships and friendships.

At 80, you're right.
At 50, you're wrong.
OP is 50.

Dancingdebra · 07/08/2023 21:27

Oddly enough my colleague is in a very similar situation, she's 55 he's 50 so slight age gap but not massive. She's completely gone off sex, that's been the case for a few years now, but they've decided to stay together for a myriad of reasons, and he occasionally has no strings meet ups. She seems fine with that, she doesn't ask for details and my impression is that it doesn't happen that often, so a sort of open marriage I suppose although open on one side?
Personally it wouldn't work for me but I guess it's whatever works for others and I'm totally non judgey about it as it's their life at the end of the day.

Remembermynamealways · 07/08/2023 21:32

In my experience this is quite normal for couples in their 50s onwards in very long marriages. Not all men have the capacity, ability and health to continue. Some of my friends have stopped but are still intimate and affectionate. Others continue occasionally.

Do you still kids, cuddle, hold hands and are close? To me this is not friendship and is still romantic. All couples tend to find the best way to be comfortable and content as they get older. Agreement and communication are key.

Remembermynamealways · 07/08/2023 21:33

MissJoGrant · 07/08/2023 21:10

At 80, you're right.
At 50, you're wrong.
OP is 50.

Show quote history

There are no rights or wrongs. What rigid thinking.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/08/2023 21:39

Unilaterally taking sex out of a relationship is a shit thing to do to your partner, no matter what age or sex you are. And guaranteed prerty much all of those 50+ year old husbands in sexless marriages are either getting it elsewhere or not happy about the lack of sex.

OP, you need to either talk to your husband and try to fix the problems, including the lack of spark. Or you get a divorce so that you can both find better relationships.

ArcticSkewer · 07/08/2023 21:42

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:36

So many threads over the years "I presumed he was sorting himself out"

and indeed he was ...

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 21:44

I suppose you see what you want to see and disregard the rest.

To think a man in his 50s is happy just wanking is frankly, delusional.

category12 · 07/08/2023 21:44

Remembermynamealways · 07/08/2023 21:32

In my experience this is quite normal for couples in their 50s onwards in very long marriages. Not all men have the capacity, ability and health to continue. Some of my friends have stopped but are still intimate and affectionate. Others continue occasionally.

Do you still kids, cuddle, hold hands and are close? To me this is not friendship and is still romantic. All couples tend to find the best way to be comfortable and content as they get older. Agreement and communication are key.

I think it's pretty clear that it's not a mutual decision here - OP doesn't fancy her dh any more and a lot of that is down to resentment of his behaviour past or present. She avoids sex and he's still seeking it with her.

I don't think that's normal. To resent your dh so much that he's not longer attractive to you. OP probably has very good reasons for feeling that way, but not sure why people are acting as though it's just a getting older thing.

I'd be recommending couple's counselling to try to sort out the issues but if money is also a problem, it may not be realistic.

But I think OP needs to tell her husband that she no longer wants sex and either try to sort out the underlying reasons or at least let him know what the situation is.

Bananas1350 · 07/08/2023 21:51

If I have to stop having sex when I’m 50 that sucks. I’m 47. That’s only three years of sex with my husband left. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/08/2023 21:57

Bananas1350 · 07/08/2023 21:51

If I have to stop having sex when I’m 50 that sucks. I’m 47. That’s only three years of sex with my husband left. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

It's a bizarre attitude to have isn't it? Menopausal 54 year old here and having lots of the best sex of my life.

Swansandcustard · 07/08/2023 22:01

If it works for you both then it’s fine. DH and I are similar - I’m 7 yrs older and toad the fun I went into menopause at 38 which was immediately after our second child. The first casualty of hormones and more broken sleep was myself drive. It caused a mismatch for several years, and things went horribly wrong a couple of times (he nearly strayed). He is now nearly 50 and has very little drive himself. We haven’t taken it off the table, and still enjoy touch and kissing.

Judging a couple for no sex is as bad as judging a couple for swinging or polyamory - who are we to judge?

we’ve been married 22 years, much longer than many of our contemporaries- if we’re ‘just’ best friends, I will take it because there’s no one I enjoy being with more, or who is totally with whatever I am feeling.

Bananas1350 · 07/08/2023 22:01

@CalistoNoSolo oh god me too. But it is an important part of our relationship and we make the time for it. Op i wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone I’m not sexually attractive to. Ur doing urself a disservice. Love and romance are very important so u should find someone who will give u that feeling again. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t for y anymore.

PeggyPoggle · 07/08/2023 22:05

CalistoNoSolo · 07/08/2023 21:57

It's a bizarre attitude to have isn't it? Menopausal 54 year old here and having lots of the best sex of my life.

Show quote history

How lovely for you.
I find sex very overrated myself.

category12 · 07/08/2023 22:12

PeggyPoggle · 07/08/2023 22:05

How lovely for you.
I find sex very overrated myself.

Show quote history

Do you find it very overrated because you have been so let down by your husband over the years that he's not attractive to you?

Groutyonehereagain · 07/08/2023 22:23

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:26

Women in their 50s you know your DHs in their 50s/60s are definitely getting it elsewhere? Because they are.

What rubbish.

underneaththeash · 07/08/2023 22:24

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:32

50s is SO young!

Absolutely, I’m 49 and non of my friends have a sexless relationship. Some are divorced and enjoyed a second wind!

OP I think sometimes with sex you can get out of the habit. You just need to make the effort

salindahind · 07/08/2023 22:27

*I’m sorry if my post touched a nerve.

A relationship without sex is platonic, yes it may be full of love, companionship, shared interests, a whole host of wonderful things but you can have all of that in a deep friendship. What separates a relationship from a friendship?*

Do you kiss on the mouth, cuddle, hold hands, sleep in the same bed, share a mortgage, bank accounts, bring up children together with your friends.......I don't do any of that with my friends.

To me relationships are not 2 dimensional - having sex or not are not the only 2 camps of relationships.

I often wonder about marriages where people say sex is everything. What would you do if your husband had a major car accident or a stroke etc - and was physically incapable of having sex again. Would you leave?

LeaveIt · 07/08/2023 22:28

What about if you don’t have intercourse but are intimate with each other in other ways? Does that count as sexless?

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 22:29

Best sex in your late 40s/50s IMO.

60s, Ill wait and see!

Redwinestillfine · 07/08/2023 22:41

The op asked for advice. Don't settle. There's a reason you don't want to. Try counselling. Try reigniting the spark another way- toys etc. Failing that, if it's him, then have the conversation and move on. You have a lot more love life in you yet!

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