He pretended to work away

[Clh90]

while I was 3 months pregnant with our first baby together my partner told me that in just over a week he would need to work away with his male colleague for one night due to it being far away. Prior to this my partner had worked away multiple times and it never bothered me but this one time my gut feeling told me something was off. Anyway off he went and messaged me throughout the day and when he got to the hotel he messaged me too and rang me but when it came to 8pm it was like he was trying to brush me off. The next day when he came home he was acting strange and struggled to be initimate with me. The next day I voiced my worries and he got really defensive so I thought best to leave it. A few weeks later I just couldn’t shake these feelings and I checked his works tablet which was wrong I know, and it showed he hadn’t been working where he said he had. He was infact at a job he would do regular about an hours drive from our home. The strange thing is, he didn’t even stay in a hotel where he was working, he actually drove back up near where we live and stayed in a hotel near here! When I questioned him he said it’s because his colleague was with him and it was just easier and that he knew I would question why he was staying so close to home. However I then find out that his male colleague wasn’t actually with him and the hotel wasn’t booked through work at all, he actually booked it for himself! It also transpires he went to a restaurant and didn’t eat in the hotel like he told me, not like I was bothered where he ate but I remember him telling me how crap the hotel food was… turns out he never even ate there! but he swears he ate alone at this restaurant that he went to. I just don’t know why so many secrets. He says he was overwhelmed with the pregnancy and needed space but if he really wanted me to believe he waa working away not stay at a hotel where we was working, not derive an hour and a half back up near to where we live! Does anyone think there is more to this? (I had suspicions of there being someone else prior to this event due to him working late and on weekends - which coincidentally stopped after the night away in question). Am I overreacting?

So he’s moved out for a bit, I’ve told him he can’t tell me the truth then he needs to give me some space and time for him to think about his ridiculous story. He’s now told me he never booked a hotel room he just drove around and found that hotel on the day. Bizzare to think he wasn’t even working anywhere near there. When I asked him why he ended up back near where we live he said he didn’t want to stay too far away… but yet staying where he did made him have a longer drive to work than if he had stayed at home! I said to him he must have put a location in his sat nav before setting off from work, somewhere he was g familiar with as he works all over the country. His response was that he put “home” in his sat nav and then when he got near home he just drove and found that hotel. I’m at a loss !

I am so sorry. I think it's for the best to have some space. The details he is giving you seem to change as you keep pushing him. Did you ask him about the person you think he was meeting with? Does your gut tell you he is lying?

None of what he has said or done makes sense with regards to just wanting space. If he just wanted space why book a hotel so far from where he had to travel for work? Why pretend to eat at the hotel when he did actually book and eat at a restraunt. Why continue to change his story when confronted with evidence that contradicts what he has said.

If he had booked a hotel because he was stressed and needed space, and OP confronted him with the fact she now knows, logically being innocent you would say how it came about, what you did. But he keeps changing his story and getting caught in obvious lies, then backtracking and painting a scenario that makes absolutely no sense.

Many MNetter's who call bullshit and cheating do so because they have experienced very similar incidents, with the same bizarre lies, backtracking and minimising but are further along than the OP and did discover it was a hotel stay with another woman/ prostitute.

As Judge Judy says - If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true.

@Clh90 it’s obvious he was with another woman. There is no other reason why his story keeps changing when you push him on things. He would rather scramble your head and relentlessly lie than admit the truth. I think what he is doing now is almost worse than the cheating because right now he’s seriously messing with your head. He is causing ongoing mental torture. You will be very unlikely to get a confession out of him but deep down you must know.

@Roselee1 People who just want space don’t tend to keep getting caught in one lie after another about where they went. It would be “I went here to have some space”. Not an endless list of lies / change of story - some of which make no logical sense. Also prior to this the OP says he was on what’s app a lot which caused suspicion, he was deleting messages and changing his passcode.

Sorry OP, he's a bare faced liar.

Come on, you KNOW he is.

Hope you get to the bottom of this whatever it is because the lies must be driving you mad :( x

If it looks like bullshit and smells like bullshit then that’s exactly what it is.

So he’s back now. He says that he needed some space because he was happy and in love with me but needed some time to process that we were having a baby. I’ve checked his bank statement and it appears that the money spent on the curry was for one person. I’m still at a loss as to why he stayed so close to home when he was working elsewhere. He says it’s because he had to drop his work friend off who lives near here (the one who he said he was with when he wasn’t). I’m still not sure what to believe and I’m slowly spiralling into a state of depression with all of this. I don’t have much support around me so I’m sorry if I’m doing everyone’s heads in with this. I don’t know what to believe from here or what the future holds for us

One thing you know for sure, is that he is able to tell you lies. His constantly changing story is evidence that lies pour out of his mouth to suit his own narrative. Why not just tell you what he was up to? Like you do in an honest and loving relationship. Why the yarn about where he stayed or ate - or not as the case turned out to be? Time to process you are having a baby!? What a load of crock! Given his dodgy behaviour with WhatsApp and change of phone number I would bet my last dollar there is more to this than he is letting on.

It’s called gaslighting OP. He’s deliberately tying you up in knots so that you don’t know which way is up anymore. He’s managed to create so much doubt in your mind that you now have no idea what to believe anymore.

At the very least what you must hold on to, for your own sanity, is the knowledge that he is very happy to lie to you. Repeatedly and unashamedly.

You know 100% he can lie to your face over and over again without batting an eyelid or worrying about that effect on your mental health. THAT alone is a good enough reason to split up. He is a liar.

This is not someone to share a life with. Also if he is cheating he may leave you but just be getting his ducks in a row - are you financially independent of him? If you aren’t I would use this time to be fully self sufficient.

If you look at his character carefully I bet you will see other character flaws. Telling work lies or his parents? Avoiding confrontation? Not saying what he thinks etc? Really think back and analyse his flaws over your relationship.

I suspect the woman turned up while he was trying to get you off the phone at 8pm. She hadn't realised you were a couple/were actually still together, dumped him.
SO he decided to continue at the hotel so he didn't loose face with you/have to do some explaining, and got his solo curry.

@Clh90 do you have the internet supplied by BT? If the account has your name on it you can access it and can get a list of the webpages viewed on it. I think this is your next step. Have a look at what he’s been looking at to see where his head is at. Sadly it’s likely to be
-another woman (or man)
-a sexual proclivity he hasn’t told you about
-undisclosed debt
-gambling
-drugs
-depression (far less likely)

sorry this is happening to you but I think your time, energy and effort right now should be to plan for a life with you and your soon-to-be 3 kids. Get knowledge on everything to do with the family finances. Seek legal advice so you know where you stand should you separate. Or insist on counselling. Only you can make this decision. And tell a friend IRL, you never know, they might have their suspicions about him too and might be relieved to tell you.