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Original poster

He pretended to work away

115 replies

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 18:41

while I was 3 months pregnant with our first baby together my partner told me that in just over a week he would need to work away with his male colleague for one night due to it being far away. Prior to this my partner had worked away multiple times and it never bothered me but this one time my gut feeling told me something was off. Anyway off he went and messaged me throughout the day and when he got to the hotel he messaged me too and rang me but when it came to 8pm it was like he was trying to brush me off. The next day when he came home he was acting strange and struggled to be initimate with me. The next day I voiced my worries and he got really defensive so I thought best to leave it. A few weeks later I just couldn’t shake these feelings and I checked his works tablet which was wrong I know, and it showed he hadn’t been working where he said he had. He was infact at a job he would do regular about an hours drive from our home. The strange thing is, he didn’t even stay in a hotel where he was working, he actually drove back up near where we live and stayed in a hotel near here! When I questioned him he said it’s because his colleague was with him and it was just easier and that he knew I would question why he was staying so close to home. However I then find out that his male colleague wasn’t actually with him and the hotel wasn’t booked through work at all, he actually booked it for himself! It also transpires he went to a restaurant and didn’t eat in the hotel like he told me, not like I was bothered where he ate but I remember him telling me how crap the hotel food was… turns out he never even ate there! but he swears he ate alone at this restaurant that he went to. I just don’t know why so many secrets. He says he was overwhelmed with the pregnancy and needed space but if he really wanted me to believe he waa working away not stay at a hotel where we was working, not derive an hour and a half back up near to where we live! Does anyone think there is more to this? (I had suspicions of there being someone else prior to this event due to him working late and on weekends - which coincidentally stopped after the night away in question). Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
WhosTHATgirllala · 06/08/2023 21:13

Your gut is never ever wrong - and I do always like to think of all options.

Iv seen many threads where women and men book into hotels purely for a break, especially with a baby on the way.
We all need time to process things sometimes, life can be overwhelming with all the changes.
I'm thinking would this man be that stupid to book a hotel close to home to cheat?
I personally say no unless he's a bit unhinged and thinks he's invincible.

I think we can all see the red flags though
Behaviour change
Being on the phone more
Changing his story about the hotel - restaurant.

It's all down to you OP, it can't be nice living with the dread and constant anxiety it isn't healthy for you or baby.

Hope you get to the bottom of it soon.
Sending hugs Flowers

MNetcurtains · 06/08/2023 21:15

MNetcurtains · 06/08/2023 21:11

I could be wrong, but I have a husband of 40 years who will always make an over elaborate excuse rather than keep it simple. It's just the way his mind works. He does it to get out of social engagements he doesn't want to attend, he does it for such trivial stuff. It drives me up the wall, but it's just the way his mind works.

Show quote history

As far as him saying you're going mad? Kick him in the nuts!😬

rwalker · 06/08/2023 21:35

His story isn’t beyond the realms of possibilities but being honest it’s unlikely

HotPringles · 06/08/2023 21:36

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 20:25

@HotPringles he says his signal was bad with the other provider so changed providers and they gave him a new number

And you just transfer your old number with the new provider.
Like everyone else.

That would alarm bells ring for me too.

RandomForest · 06/08/2023 21:48

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 19:55

@RandomForest you’re right but I also want proof so I know I’m not the psycho he’s making me out to be. He’s making me feel like it’s all in my head

I understand, the proof allows you to shut him down with his feeble excuses, for him to sit there and have to admit he has been unfaithfu, this won't happen even if you had a full video of the entire evening he will not say the words you deserve to hear.

This man is abusive, he's selfish enough to think he can have whatever he wants without culpability or fearing hurting anyone, he lacks empathy.

He's not kind, or moral and I guarantee he would make an irresponsible parent, and a cruel partner, you really need this horrible specimen away from you, you can do much better.

In other words, you are too good for him.
Remember that.

unsync · 06/08/2023 22:10

He's gaslighting you. You deserve better.

Avabarth · 06/08/2023 23:15

He's a massive cheat.
I'm sorry.
You will find out for definite eventually, I'd be sure of that. If he wanted to have a break for himself, he'd have booked a hotel further from home... not much of a break is it. He's clearly boshing someone within the area and needed somewhere close by for the time they were together.
It will all come out. Have faith in that.

justread · 07/08/2023 00:20

Come on OP. He is absolutely having you on.

Laiku · 07/08/2023 04:19

They're not secrets, they're lies.
Also, a man who is 'overwhelmed' by a 3 month old pregnancy isn't up to the job.

SunRainStorm · 07/08/2023 05:03

Please at least insist that he goes to the GP for an STD screen.

Hes obviously cheating on you. Whether you're ready to accept it or not.

StopStartStop · 07/08/2023 05:07

Another lying, cheating bastard.
Get your health check, OP, and end your relationship with this loser.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/08/2023 07:03

He booked a hotel so he could cheat. That’s it.

He has done nothing but lie and he must think you’re a complete fucking idiot if he thinks you’ll believe the complete gobshite he’s come with our.

Telling you you’re ‘psycho’ is a tactic regularly employed by intelligence-deficient cheaters.

HereTodayGothTomorrow · 07/08/2023 07:04

MNetcurtains · 06/08/2023 21:11

I could be wrong, but I have a husband of 40 years who will always make an over elaborate excuse rather than keep it simple. It's just the way his mind works. He does it to get out of social engagements he doesn't want to attend, he does it for such trivial stuff. It drives me up the wall, but it's just the way his mind works.

Show quote history

What you're basically telling the OP is that your husband lies to you (because that's what 'elaborate excuses' are) and you accept it so she should accept it too?

OP, you know your husband. Far better than anyone else on here. People can tell you their own experiences from their own relationships but only you know what your husband is usually/was previously like.

For me, he came up with a lie. That didn't stand up to challenge so he lied again. That didn't stand up to challenge, so he lied again. You don't know the truth but you do know he has lied to you. People don't lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves from your response to what they have done that they shouldn't have/not done that they should have. Because lying makes their life easier (in their head).

I agree with the poster who said to ask him to prove what he is saying. It's very hard to prove a negative - so he can't prove he didn't cheat (let's assume he didn't) because there will be a million and one other things he wasn't doing that night too that he can't prove he didn't do. They only way he can prove he wasn't doing one thing is by proving he was doing something else.

I understand that you are scared of being a single parent of three children. I would be too! I also understand being scared of getting it wrong and throwing a marriage away over a misunderstanding. But he's not doing anything to prove himself. He's taken the line of telling you it's all in your head. He's admitted he's lied. You have proof of that. That is not in your head!

AtomicWambsgans · 07/08/2023 07:11

If this all happened recently and you know the name of the hotel or Indian restaurant he went to, just call them and say something like: 'Hi, I stayed/ate at your hotel/restaurant on (enter date) and I was with the man who (describe your partner), and I lost an earring - can you let me know if you found anything?' Or ask if they have CCTV and see if they respond as though there was a woman with your partner, or if they sound confused about you mentioning another woman being there.

AskAgathaIfSheWantsACupOfTea · 07/08/2023 07:18

It’s a clear as day, he cheated. My guess? Either somebody from work or a prostitute.

ArcticSkewer · 07/08/2023 07:21

AskAgathaIfSheWantsACupOfTea · 07/08/2023 07:18

It’s a clear as day, he cheated. My guess? Either somebody from work or a prostitute.

I don't think a prostitute. It would cost £££ for an overnight and he wouldn't need to book the hotel for a half hour/hour appointment - he'd find someone who has a place he could go to.

That's what makes me think it's ongoing, an affair with someone that involves intimacy as well - they wanted the full night together

BLT24 · 07/08/2023 07:21

You have enough reason to get rid he’s a proven liar!!! You may not find out if he cheated but you can still leave a liar.

Naunet · 07/08/2023 07:27

It’s obvious he cheated, you know it, and him calling you mad only confirms it. I think the real problem here is that you’re scared to leave. You’re trying to find further evidence to avoid making a choice about leaving this liar, which is completely understandable. Could you start working on a plan to leave, just in case you ever need it?

Aprilx · 07/08/2023 07:29

MNetcurtains · 06/08/2023 20:45

I see the TLB brigade are piling on. I just read another thread by a woman who said that one time things got too much for her at home and she checked into a Premier Inn for the night. Maybe his first explanation was true.

At first, I also didn’t think it was beyond the realms of possibility. And saying it is a work trip is presumably better than saying I needed to get away from you and your pregnancy for a day. I also thought if it was an affair, there would be a pattern not a one off.

But the update about the phone is suspicious of course and the chopping and changing of story. I think I would tell him he needs to come clean and prove what he did.

Propertyhuntingsucks · 07/08/2023 07:45

Think of this another way OP, if what he says is true and he genuinely just needed a break then he would be going out of his way to evidence this to you. Not doing what he is currently I.e. changing stories along the way.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 07/08/2023 07:53

Have you tried ringing the old phone number? In case the phone is hidden somewhere?

ZekeZeke · 07/08/2023 08:35

AtomicWambsgans · 07/08/2023 07:11

If this all happened recently and you know the name of the hotel or Indian restaurant he went to, just call them and say something like: 'Hi, I stayed/ate at your hotel/restaurant on (enter date) and I was with the man who (describe your partner), and I lost an earring - can you let me know if you found anything?' Or ask if they have CCTV and see if they respond as though there was a woman with your partner, or if they sound confused about you mentioning another woman being there.

One of the most bizarre responses I've read

ZekeZeke · 07/08/2023 08:37

OP to answer your original question, no I don't think you are overreacting.
He has lied to you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 08:40

This man is a liar and a gaslighter. You can either stay with him, knowing that, and knowing what kind of life you will have with him or you can tell him his game is up and he has to go.

Did he move into your house or did you move into his?

Malificent1 · 07/08/2023 08:44

“A friend of yours messaged me today. You have one last chance to tell me your side of things before I take their word for it and pack you a bag.”

Then sit in stony silence while he tries to blame the OW for being a stalker/psycho etc.

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