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Original poster

He pretended to work away

115 replies

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 18:41

while I was 3 months pregnant with our first baby together my partner told me that in just over a week he would need to work away with his male colleague for one night due to it being far away. Prior to this my partner had worked away multiple times and it never bothered me but this one time my gut feeling told me something was off. Anyway off he went and messaged me throughout the day and when he got to the hotel he messaged me too and rang me but when it came to 8pm it was like he was trying to brush me off. The next day when he came home he was acting strange and struggled to be initimate with me. The next day I voiced my worries and he got really defensive so I thought best to leave it. A few weeks later I just couldn’t shake these feelings and I checked his works tablet which was wrong I know, and it showed he hadn’t been working where he said he had. He was infact at a job he would do regular about an hours drive from our home. The strange thing is, he didn’t even stay in a hotel where he was working, he actually drove back up near where we live and stayed in a hotel near here! When I questioned him he said it’s because his colleague was with him and it was just easier and that he knew I would question why he was staying so close to home. However I then find out that his male colleague wasn’t actually with him and the hotel wasn’t booked through work at all, he actually booked it for himself! It also transpires he went to a restaurant and didn’t eat in the hotel like he told me, not like I was bothered where he ate but I remember him telling me how crap the hotel food was… turns out he never even ate there! but he swears he ate alone at this restaurant that he went to. I just don’t know why so many secrets. He says he was overwhelmed with the pregnancy and needed space but if he really wanted me to believe he waa working away not stay at a hotel where we was working, not derive an hour and a half back up near to where we live! Does anyone think there is more to this? (I had suspicions of there being someone else prior to this event due to him working late and on weekends - which coincidentally stopped after the night away in question). Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
livethislifetoday · 07/08/2023 08:49

Propertyhuntingsucks · 07/08/2023 07:45

Think of this another way OP, if what he says is true and he genuinely just needed a break then he would be going out of his way to evidence this to you. Not doing what he is currently I.e. changing stories along the way.

Great point.

GeekyDiva80 · 07/08/2023 08:53

Long shot- could you call the hotel and say that you stayed there wit (DH name) you left some jewellery in the room. Then if he was telling you the truth they'd say that there was only one person in the room or they might say something that will prove he's lying.

Icycloud · 07/08/2023 08:55

Put a secret recording device in his car

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 08:56

Have you been sti tested op?

MNetcurtains · 07/08/2023 09:02

HereTodayGothTomorrow · 07/08/2023 07:04

What you're basically telling the OP is that your husband lies to you (because that's what 'elaborate excuses' are) and you accept it so she should accept it too?

OP, you know your husband. Far better than anyone else on here. People can tell you their own experiences from their own relationships but only you know what your husband is usually/was previously like.

For me, he came up with a lie. That didn't stand up to challenge so he lied again. That didn't stand up to challenge, so he lied again. You don't know the truth but you do know he has lied to you. People don't lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves from your response to what they have done that they shouldn't have/not done that they should have. Because lying makes their life easier (in their head).

I agree with the poster who said to ask him to prove what he is saying. It's very hard to prove a negative - so he can't prove he didn't cheat (let's assume he didn't) because there will be a million and one other things he wasn't doing that night too that he can't prove he didn't do. They only way he can prove he wasn't doing one thing is by proving he was doing something else.

I understand that you are scared of being a single parent of three children. I would be too! I also understand being scared of getting it wrong and throwing a marriage away over a misunderstanding. But he's not doing anything to prove himself. He's taken the line of telling you it's all in your head. He's admitted he's lied. You have proof of that. That is not in your head!

Show quote history

Take a course in reading comprehension. Making elaborate excuses to get out of a social engagement translates to "my husband lies to me all the time"?🙄

Prettyvase · 07/08/2023 09:05

Might have been a gay encounter. Anyway, you won't ever be able to trust him so forget his gaslighting and your searching for the truth. He cannot be trusted. End of. Make your decisions with with yourself and your DC as a priority, this current environment is toxic and dangerous for your mental health.

HereTodayGothTomorrow · 07/08/2023 09:12

MNetcurtains · 07/08/2023 09:02

Take a course in reading comprehension. Making elaborate excuses to get out of a social engagement translates to "my husband lies to me all the time"?🙄

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with my comprehension.

If your husband genuinely only makes elaborate excuses to get out of social engagements he doesn't want to participate in (Eg feigning a headache to avoid dinner with people he doesn't like or his car breaking down because he just doesn't fancy going out), then it's irrelevant to the OP because it's not at all comparable.

He is lying to his wife about where he spent the night, who with and why.

Cocopogo · 07/08/2023 09:17

How long ago did this happen? As your post reads like it was a year ago or something. Why didn’t you address this at the time? I think it’ll be very hard to address it now, especially if he’s sticking to the story. I think you have to just let it go but know that he’s cheated on you and will likely do it again at some point. Or you have to leave. But constantly bringing it up and demanding answers is where madness lies.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 09:30

How long ago was this and how many children do you now have? I do understand how you feel as it eats you up doesn't it?

MzHz · 07/08/2023 10:20

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 20:25

@HotPringles he says his signal was bad with the other provider so changed providers and they gave him a new number

He’s treating you like you’re some kind of idiot.

people NEVER change mobile numbers unless they’re trying to hide or cut contact with people. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world to port your number

kick him out today and tell him not to bother talking to you until he tells you the truth

and stick to it.

JudgeRudy · 07/08/2023 17:30

" I just don’t know why so many secrets. "....
🤔
You know!

Original poster
Clh90 · 09/08/2023 18:46

after some extensive digging and detective work i think i know who he met but i don’t have any concrete evidence as yet. thank you everyone for your support. i will keep you updated

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 09/08/2023 18:59

He must think you were born yesterday. Good luck OP.

Shapemyeyebrows · 09/08/2023 19:50

@Clh90 good work. I reckon if you keep digging discreetly you will get what you need. Do you think it’s still ongoing?

Olika · 10/08/2023 16:25

Good work op! Keep digging. X

Dj2020 · 10/08/2023 20:40

Keep digging and Good luck xx

SunRainStorm · 11/08/2023 05:34

Clh90 · 09/08/2023 18:46

after some extensive digging and detective work i think i know who he met but i don’t have any concrete evidence as yet. thank you everyone for your support. i will keep you updated

Why do you need concrete evidence? The trust is gone. You need to break up.

Zonder · 11/08/2023 06:11

He is gaslighting you. The lies are enough to know things aren't right and him telling you it's in your head makes it worse.

Netflixreviewteam · 11/08/2023 06:11

@Clh90 sorry you are going through this especially when you are pregnant. I used to work in a male dominated industry. It would be fairly standard practice to store a woman’s number in a phone under ‘Dave’ to avoid suspicion or ‘mentionitis’ to the wife. I’d say it’s more likely that this is not a gay hook up. Is this possible in your case? Changing phone numbers would indicate that whoever ‘Dave’ is or whatever they may have got up to has gone a bit tits up and he’s removed the ability for ‘Dave’ to contact him. The new meet up could’ve been with a new ‘Dave’? Men like this are usually serial cheaters and this is unlikely to be his first rodeo I’m afraid. Sadly I have worked with some spectacularly dim men who are unconsciously incompetent in conducting a clandestine affair. One memorable (and breathtakingly stupid) colleague got punched in the face by his wife in front of the whole team after their own child happily chatted away innocently about ‘the shopping trip with Daddy’s friend to (insert designer shop name here)’ whilst his wife was away looking after a sick relative. His ‘Dave’ was rinsing him for all of his money. Christ knows why he hadn’t considered his child mentioning ’Dave’ or why on earth he’d taken this child with him. Or more pertinently, why a stunning woman was interested in a fairly dumpy chap who bore more than a passing resemblance to Roy from Corrie.

As the old adage goes, If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. I’m sorry you find yourself in this position but you know you are worth more than this. Do not let his gaslight you any more. Sending you strength, you have way more FBI skills than he realises so keep your powder dry and get your ducks in a row to keep yourself sane. You have the element of surprise here.

roseheartfly · 11/08/2023 06:17

This was me 5 years ago.

I spent a year convincing myself that these ridiculous tails must be true.

It doesn't make sense because it's a lie.

It's bloody awful and I know that it's made so much harder because you are pregnant but he is lying to you and it's very obvious there is someone else.

What a scum bag.

Jellyx · 11/08/2023 06:58

Clh90 · 06/08/2023 19:37

@YoSof hes saying he actually didn’t eat in the restaurant after saying he had, he said he picked up a takaway from
the Indian restaurant and took it back to the hotel. I just don’t know what to believe 😭

His story has changed so many times! He's clearly not in the position where he can be honest with you - that alone (regardless of what happened that night) is a major problem!

perfectcolourfound · 11/08/2023 08:15

Bless you op, he is so obviously lying.

IF the reason he's finally given you (that he was overwhelmed with the baby and needed a night away) was true, then -

  • why did he lie about it?
  • why did he go out to a restaurant but tell you he ate in the hotel - a totally unnecesary lie.
  • he told you about it a week in advance - not the actions of an overwhelmed person who needs time out, but someone who planned it days ahead.

Whether or not he cheated - he's lied to you. And continued to lie and gaslight after you found out he was lying. This is not a good man. A decent partner would be appalled they had worried and upset you. They would acknowledge that their lies had created the problem. They would apologise for causing the problem, apologise for lying, beg your forgiveness.

WHereas he's just continued to lie and told you you're going mad. Imagine the roles were reversed.... you had a night in a hotel and went out for a meal, but told your DH you were working and had to stay there, and ate in the hotel. Then he found out you'd lied. Would you a) be appalled at yourself and apologise / explain the truth, or b) tell him he's going mad.

Add to all of that you were already suspicious - the obviously suspicious whatsapp behaviour, changing his phone, meaning you no longer have access.

There is a 99.9% chance this man is cheating or has cheated.
There is a 100% chance he has lied.
There is a 100% chance he is not a decent partner.

Original poster
Clh90 · 13/08/2023 11:45

@roseheartfly did you eventually find out the truth? It’s so frustrating isn’t it? And I’m really struggling to find the strength to leave. All I keep thinking is what if his story is right and what if he did just want some space. Obviously the lying is the issue too but I feel like I just NEED to know that I’m not crazy and there was someone else :(

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2023 14:00

He's lying and gaslighting you. Those are reasons to leave irregardless of whether or not not cheats.

You'll probably find out down the line who he cheated with but really you don't need to know in order to leave.

Someone who has the cheek to claim you are overreacting when they've been caught lying to you, is a fucking horrible person. You don't want to spend your life with someone who gaslights instead of empathises and apologises. They aren't nice human beings. They are scumballs.

A decent human would be apologising and doing anything they can to be transparent with you. They'd be sorry for your distress. Not minimising it or telling you you've no right to it.

As for the not wanting to have 3 kids as a single mum - then you don't need to. You're only 3 months gone. Maybe see your gp and consider terminating.

Lucy377 · 13/08/2023 14:08

What age is your baby now, how long ago did this happen?

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