Husband refers to jointly owned assets as ‘his’

[Birdie35]

Sorry- this is a long one and I changed name.

My husband got a new job 7 years ago and he earns 3 times as much as me. We moved house 2 years ago and I offered to put a third of my salary into our joint account (1k) because mortgage payment is a lot higher. I also pay for other household bills from my personal bank account on top of the 1k which comes to about £500. I have a separate bank account where my salary goes and his salary goes into our joint account although he does have other accounts.

He will constantly refer to jointly owned assets as ‘his’ and when we are making purchases I seem to have no say. He will say ‘my house’, ‘my car’… he even said ‘my sofa’ the other day because our son dropped some crumbs on it. He will say ‘I’m not paying for that’ or ‘my money isn’t going on that’.

He will make expensive purchases (watches) without chatting with me about it and randomly moves large sums of money from the joint account to other accounts without mentioning it to me and he says this is going into ‘his’ savings. But if I wanted to purchase something such as a new mattress, he will say no. Unless he also wants the item I want, I usually get a flat no.

On the one hand it doesn’t feel right but on the other hand he earns way more than me, his money goes into our joint account whereas mine doesn’t. He does pay for meals when we go out etc but I hate this ‘my money, my house’ talk.

He works away in the Middle East so I feel by looking after the family here (4 children and his elderly parents) I contribute in ways other than financial. I’ve now taken on more work in September so I don’t have to spend from the joint account (I’m talking food shopping and clothes for children, not luxury items) as he always questions me and tells me to shop in cheaper places etc. . Is this fairly typical of marriages where one earns more than the other? Any advice greatly appreciated.

My DH did this when I first went on maternity leave. I corrected him every single time. Sometimes he says it now and I correct him again, but he's much better. We had a big conversation about how my contribution in bringing up the kids enables him to work, and that we are married so it's all joint money. He gets it now.

Have you talked to your husband about it?

Yes. He knows I don’t like it but always slips back into it. As I said, he works in the Middle East, all his colleagues are men who earn a lot of money and he spends all his time with these men who have expensive cars and holiday homes and wives that don’t work. I can’t help thinking this has something to do with it. It’s definitely got worse since he started this job 7 years ago.

No, of course it isn't.

I earn 5-6 times what my wife does. We have joint money and share everything.

Neither of us pulls the 'my asset' shit or controls what is bought like you say.

Maybe invoice him for child care and the care of HIS parents... He is treading on the seeing you as staff logic...

This isn't right. In marriage he earned 5x me, I controlled all the money (lower rate tax payer!) when we divorced he had no idea how much money we had (I shared honestly)

Well regardless of what words he uses, the financial set up of your marriage needs refactoring.

So many threads this weekend from women who's husbands are ciphering away money for their own savings and investments, lack of balance in equity and fairness.

@billyt thank you for this. Would you ever move money out of your joint account without discussion? Is that an odd thing to do? He says it’s going into savings but I have no clue about this account.

If it's his money then he can start by sourcing, managing and paying proper carers to look after his parents and paying you to care for his children.

@zurala - sorry, I replied without tagging you as I haven’t posted for ages so forgot how to do it!

My husband also earns more than me and we actually have separate accounts- he transfers me money each month.
He does take a % of ‘his’ salary to go into savings/stocks and shares. But, he has a spreadsheet for this and goes through it monthly, showing me and telling me about changes. The lack of openness and communication is telling..

In all honestly he sounds like he's getting some shitty ideas about family money. I'd watch this VERY carefully. It's probably not just ideas about money he's picking up...

@Birdie35

No, neither of us would ever dream of taking money out of our joint account to move to personal savings let alone without discussing. Doesn't make sense.

Can't understand why that would be unless he doesn't want you to see what he's spending. Or he just wants to control what you can spend.

I know everyone has their own ways of sharing, but it's like he now thinks his earnings are for him not the both of you.

@Pammela2 thank you for this. I’ve just not really questioned anything because he earns more so I feel he has the financial ‘right’ but it does upset me and feels unfair. I feel I can’t question him. Maybe I need to get a backbone!

@billyt - wow, okay thank you. I feel a bit of an idiot here. It feels wrong and I get upset about it but I’ve just accepted things over the years because he is more financially dominant. 😢

There are so many threads like this at the moment.

Don't, just don't, get married if you don't want to share your assets with someone, it's part of what marriage is, sharing your life, all of it, with another person.

Why do people (usually men) who feel this way about money get married to someone and not just stay co-habiting?

@Grimchmas I worry about this too. I’ve actually noticed he interrupts me more and if I’m talking about something in a group with our friends and they are all listening, he will suddenly turn the discussion to something else. This a more recent thing.

No that's shit, I earn double, before now has been triple what my DH earns and we share costs accordingly and nobody complains because we're married and a partnership!
Also my menopausal me has meant I'm rubbish these days at weekends and extra stuff like gardening - he just gets on with that and I do the easier things like cooking and shopping and sorting the kids out ... fair and equitable - are these men in ME sexiest pigs?

He will make expensive purchases (watches) without chatting with me about it and randomly moves large sums of money from the joint account to other accounts without mentioning it to me and he says this is going into ‘his’ savings. But if I wanted to purchase something such as a new mattress, he will say no. Unless he also wants the item I want, I usually get a flat no.

You're being financially abused

If you divorced him you would be far better off financially, and would not have to ask for a new mattress.

@FloofCloud i think there is definitely sexism going on since it is the Middle East and they have different ideas on women but the majority of the men he hangs out with are wealthy Americans. I’ve met a few of them and not to cause offence to anyone on here but they are loud, bolshy, their wives don’t work and they appear caring but a little controlling. I got red flags from some of them.

@ladeluge i worry I wouldn’t be. I have considered divorce but find the thought overwhelming. I’m such a bloody wuss!! I don’t know the answer. 😔

Yes, red flags. There's a massive one waving from your posts. I'm very sorry, at some point he is going to totally screw you over, financially. Look into it hard now and if he will agree, get an agreement that your security will be protected at every stage of the relationship.

If he won't do that, divorce him now. Get out while you can.

Since you have thought about divorce, would you consider a consultation with a (good) family lawyer to assess what your situation post divorce might be?

It might be worth it to get a general picture of where you might stand legally.

@pinkyredrose I wondered this when I was reading another post. I have these thoughts but then dismiss them and think things aren’t that bad. I don’t know what is right at times but don’t know how to get out of it.

I think your finances need a overhaul. Why don't you each pay into the joint account for joint finances and have your own wages go into your personal accounts. Food, mortgage, petrol, utilities, nappies, kiddies clothing, clubs, nursery, cleaner, school trips etc ....all household bills really into the joint account where you have equal access. Your contributions will be different though as he earns a lot more than you, which you facilitate by being the primary carer. Your contributions should be pro rata. You'll still have less spending money than him so if he wants a family holiday or Xmas the bulk of that will he on him. Sounds like he's happy to do this.