Husband refers to jointly owned assets as ‘his’

[Birdie35]

Sorry- this is a long one and I changed name.

My husband got a new job 7 years ago and he earns 3 times as much as me. We moved house 2 years ago and I offered to put a third of my salary into our joint account (1k) because mortgage payment is a lot higher. I also pay for other household bills from my personal bank account on top of the 1k which comes to about £500. I have a separate bank account where my salary goes and his salary goes into our joint account although he does have other accounts.

He will constantly refer to jointly owned assets as ‘his’ and when we are making purchases I seem to have no say. He will say ‘my house’, ‘my car’… he even said ‘my sofa’ the other day because our son dropped some crumbs on it. He will say ‘I’m not paying for that’ or ‘my money isn’t going on that’.

He will make expensive purchases (watches) without chatting with me about it and randomly moves large sums of money from the joint account to other accounts without mentioning it to me and he says this is going into ‘his’ savings. But if I wanted to purchase something such as a new mattress, he will say no. Unless he also wants the item I want, I usually get a flat no.

On the one hand it doesn’t feel right but on the other hand he earns way more than me, his money goes into our joint account whereas mine doesn’t. He does pay for meals when we go out etc but I hate this ‘my money, my house’ talk.

He works away in the Middle East so I feel by looking after the family here (4 children and his elderly parents) I contribute in ways other than financial. I’ve now taken on more work in September so I don’t have to spend from the joint account (I’m talking food shopping and clothes for children, not luxury items) as he always questions me and tells me to shop in cheaper places etc. . Is this fairly typical of marriages where one earns more than the other? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Read the threads about getting your ducks in a row! Someone in the know might post links if you ask. And there are sites where women talk about such stuff - is Chump Lady one? Though that might be more about affairs. Whatever, you need to sort out your financial situation, even if he's an angel in every other way.

Information gathering is a start. While he's away.

He couldn't earn 5/6 times your salary by working in the Middle East without you op, just remember that. Who would look after the fc if you weren't around?

I say everything is his except for the children, they are always mine in conversation 🤣

I feel I can’t question him. Maybe I need to get a backbone!

I'd be pulling him up every time on the way he speaks. And the joint account thing would be a massive no from me. Yes, definitely get growing that backbone. Your marriage is becoming a very unequal relationship.

This.
present him with an employment contract, job description, salary scales and pension scheme costs.
Don’t forget your chargers for being his PA as well
when he pays up, you can resume your job.
Go on strike till then. Do nothing more than you have to for kids and you. Nothing for him- no cooking, washing, cleaning .

You can do the above a little tongue in cheek …but do cost it correctly.

I couldn’t live like this.

@Oneweektogo2023 there’s other stuff I haven’t gone into. My two older children (16 and 18) tell me they are on eggshells when he’s here as he gets annoyed if they spill something or accidentally break something. A picture fell off my daughter’s wall and broke a lamp and she got the blame for not putting it up correctly and ‘fucking about’. He’s very impatient and expects us to be mindreaders at times. I’ll check the house throughly before he comes home so he can’t criticise any of us. Pathetic I know. Even just writing this, I know it sounds terrible. I also know I’m part of the problem for allowing this to continue.

I’ve now taken on more work in September so I don’t have to spend from the joint account (I’m talking food shopping and clothes for children, not luxury items) as he always questions me and tells me to shop in cheaper places etc.

Do NOT spend your extra earnings on food shopping for the family and clothing the children. You need to build up your own savings.

Everyone knows food costs have rocketed. Push back when he moans.

If you’ve considered divorce there must be a lot more making you unhappy than just this war on words thing … and rightly so.
He’s got it made really hasn’t he? Living a “single man” expat lifestyle with all his loud wealthy mates in the Middle East while he’s still in control of everything and you’re home looking after his parents and kids?

It sounds like you and your kids would be a A LOT better off, both emotionally and financially, divorced from him.

Sounds a little concerning to me and definitely not equitable, especially him saying flat out no to things you want. Can't believe you're looking after HIS parents and he's treating you that way. As others have said you caring for the family and HIS parents has facilitated his work and ability to earn well.
Also your more recent post on everyone being on eggshells doesn't sound good. You all deserve better than that.
Not that it matters but I'm the higher earner in my family but mine and DH's income and assets are definitely ours and not mine. We don't pay into a joint account but we've loosely spilt things so we pay fairly. Eg I pay mortgage and a couple of the other big bills and he pays other bills and day to day living costs and we both have money at the end of each month. If one ran out though we wouldn't mind one bit sharing what's remaining. We treat savings as our combined savings. We generally consult on bigger spends...eg I wouldn't go off and buy a new kitchen or car without discussing but otherwise we're free to do what we want (not that we have much spare after bills and childcare etc!). Anyway I appreciate people have different ways of running their family finances but your situation sounds a little worrying to me. Good that you're starting to see that though. Think you'll need to grow that backbone that you talk about. All the best.

I think it comes down to respect and love.

You simply don’t love nor respect someone you treat the way he is treating you.

I could go on and on and on and on and on.

But this is what it comes down to.

Once you’ve digested this fact you need to go from there.

Any household spend, including anything for the children needs to come from the joint account.

Exactly what the last pp said writ large. And that goes for so many of these kind of threads.

It boils down to those two things:
Respect and love.

I would imagine that at least some
of these bolshy Americans ensure their wives have a lovely watch, a flashy handbag and wants her to shop at Whole Foods though. How they ‘look after’ their wives is a huge reflection on them as providers.

Meanwhile, your husband isn’t a provider. You literally have to work harder despite all the emotional and caring labour you do because he is querying how much he is
spending on the shopping.

this is financial abuse.

one big earner whilst one works part time or SAH doing the domestic stuff works well if the big earner is generous and places the same value on unpaid labour than their paid.

when they see you as both a household appliance and a parasite, this isn’t working. This man is not a provider and I would tell him to fuck off and pay for carers for his parents.

OP,

He is a bully and your children feel oppressed by him.

You need to find a good lawyer, for advice.
Someone who will have the number of a forensic accountant.

You are being abused and used.

Used for elder care of his parent, saving HIM money while he bullys you.

Ring Women's aid asap for advice.

This is not a good man.

Please think of your children here.

His parents are his problem.
He no doubt will inherit from them, money you will never see, all the time you saved caring fees which would have cost him.

You are used, abused and bullied.

Get help and advice.

Your poor children.

Red flags everywhere.

Divorce the prick

Controlling finances like this is a form of abuse, @Birdie35

Pls talk to him, you need access to more joint funds to cover UK expenses. You also need your own and joint savings accounts.

You enable him to work and earn as he does, looking after his family and your kids! I like the idea of invoicing for that - these are not minimum wage jobs btw. So, if nothing else works, tot it up and tell him how much it's worth and that you'll take in addition to normal household money.

Family money is family money irrespective of who earns what!

If he moves money out of the joint savings to his account, you do too.

My DH isnt a fantastically high earner, but his is currently the sole income in our family as I'm a stay at home parent to our two very young DC.
However we have a joint account which all his wage goes into, that is both our main bank account (apart from savings) and he doesn't have that attitude. All money is OUR money as me being at home is valuable to our family (equal to him working as it enables him to work etc) and if anything I am more incharge of the finances and paying bills/big purchases.

I sometimes say mine but don't mean it in that way. What I don't understand from your post is that you seem to expect him to leave all of his salary in the joint account when you don't put all of yours in.

That’s abuse, the fact that you all feel that way about him being home.
Be careful if you ever do decide to leave, as he may well hide money and assets. See a solicitor before you tell him.

He sounds like a bully.

Divorce him and take half.

So you've bringing in 3k and putting 1.5k towards bills, so 1.5k for personal spends, and then he's putting 9k in but moving money about whenever it suits him?
Sounds like the joint account needs renaming. He needs to put in his share for the bills (proportionatly 4.5k) which means theres 6k to cover bills, and this should then cover bigger purchases as needed, which you shouldn't need permission for if its a joint account. He then puts 4.5k into his account to use as he wants.

But it doesn't sound like he'd be open for that reasonable conversation. On take home salaries of nearly 50k and 200k respectively, i'd be expecting you to be buying in all the help you can and both having access to money when you need it,

He sounds like he’s financially abusing you.

You need to call this out. Now.