Husband refers to jointly owned assets as ‘his’

[Birdie35]

Sorry- this is a long one and I changed name.

My husband got a new job 7 years ago and he earns 3 times as much as me. We moved house 2 years ago and I offered to put a third of my salary into our joint account (1k) because mortgage payment is a lot higher. I also pay for other household bills from my personal bank account on top of the 1k which comes to about £500. I have a separate bank account where my salary goes and his salary goes into our joint account although he does have other accounts.

He will constantly refer to jointly owned assets as ‘his’ and when we are making purchases I seem to have no say. He will say ‘my house’, ‘my car’… he even said ‘my sofa’ the other day because our son dropped some crumbs on it. He will say ‘I’m not paying for that’ or ‘my money isn’t going on that’.

He will make expensive purchases (watches) without chatting with me about it and randomly moves large sums of money from the joint account to other accounts without mentioning it to me and he says this is going into ‘his’ savings. But if I wanted to purchase something such as a new mattress, he will say no. Unless he also wants the item I want, I usually get a flat no.

On the one hand it doesn’t feel right but on the other hand he earns way more than me, his money goes into our joint account whereas mine doesn’t. He does pay for meals when we go out etc but I hate this ‘my money, my house’ talk.

He works away in the Middle East so I feel by looking after the family here (4 children and his elderly parents) I contribute in ways other than financial. I’ve now taken on more work in September so I don’t have to spend from the joint account (I’m talking food shopping and clothes for children, not luxury items) as he always questions me and tells me to shop in cheaper places etc. . Is this fairly typical of marriages where one earns more than the other? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Also it must be really horrendous that your children are verbalising the emotional abuse they are experiencing when he is around.

It is emotional abuse and your children verbalising it is very serious.

Remember all tjat you do for them will fade into insignificance long term because they told you they were suffering and you allowed it to continue.

Please waske up to this.

When is he due to leave again?

Get yourself organised for the minute he is gone.

In the meantime you could up your hours and tell him his parents need supporting.

Good advice to stop getting into debt for him with overdrafts.

Just: NO! My wife did this. She earns 3.5x what I do, we had a joint account into which I paid 80% of my salary and she paid 30% of hers (I only discovered this after we split, because she lied about her earnings while we were together). As a result I had hardly any money left each month (I have 2 kids who aren't hers, so also support them), and she had loads. Fine she paid for holidays and restaurants etc, but I had no control over "our" money, she said "our" savings were ours "for our future", then she left me for someone else and decided that everything she had earned was hers, took it all and spent it on the new girlfriend. I had had our child "for us" so my career didn't change while hers went stratospheric, and now she's divorcing me. I'm fucked financially and she'll be living in a massive house with a swimming pool and holidaying several times a year. Don't put up with it. Put your foot down now.

Wow - this is beyond unreasonable. The financial stuff is awful, but once you'd explained that, it came as no surprise whatsoever to hear that he's also a controlling bully to you and your children in other ways. You simply can't allow yourself to be a 'wuss' about this, OP. Your children (and you) are being made to feel uncomfortable and fearful in their own home. That is not ok.

Are you both UK citizens and are the children as well?

The generally accepted islamic convention in the gulf is women aren’t expected to contribute to household finances at all (even if they have a job and income) her money is her own and it’s the husbands duty to provide for the household. So if he’s getting funny about “his” money it’s not from being in the middle east.

Most men with trailing spouses also don’t act like dicks. I don’t earn anything, Dh earns a fair bit, it’s always been “ours”.

He’s basically a giant prick, thats the problem, regardless of where he works or how much he earns.

Friends husband was great until he worked in the middle east. He became a male chauvinist very quickly and not just that he started on male friends back here that they weren't keeping their women in check. Friend would sit silently at social gatherings as he held forth and after a few drinks would get quite nasty.

We've all backed away, because he's decided that he's a class above some friends because of his earnings. It's unpleasant to be honest.

I utterly detest people Male or Female who control their spouse with money.

My late wife had MS so couldn't get a mortgage but the house "we" bought was always "ours" even though the mortgage was only ever in my name and only paid for by me.
This was before we were even married, I still refer to it as our house even though she's been gone 4 years.
I have encountered the horrible sexist attitude of people who work in the Middle East over many decades and it is revolting.

He's financially abusing you.

Divorce him and then he'll learn that all along in fact the money wasn't all his.

I'd be interested in seeing what he would have to pay to have someone take care of his parents, not to mention everything else around the house.

Is the same language as him - my house, my car, my settee etc. Say ‘my house needs a new fridge, new chair, new curtains. Say how nice my sitting room is looking, that my car needs the car wash. See what he replies.

Right, just stop. Stop putting any money in and funding his cosplay as Mr Big Bollocks. You’re already looking after the house, the kids and HIS parents, does he ever contribute to that? No? Then you don’t contribute to his finances. He’s a disrespectful arrogant prick who sees you as less than staff, he has zero respect for you, or the poor kids. You need to leave him.

Worth pointing out if your family was living full time in ME with him theres no way he’d be making that saving. COL is up over there too.

Agree you need to get your ducks in a row, acknowledge your worth. None of what hes got (single life in ME, hone life taken care of without you).

Nope, my husband earns 6x my part time salary. Everything is joint, he doesn't get more money than me and we decide on big purchases together.

All assets are referred to as ours

First thing is this

" offered to put a third of my salary into our joint account (1k) because mortgage payment is a lot higher. I also pay for other household bills from my personal bank account on top of the 1k which comes to about £500."

Stop this right now.
Move all household bills and costs including those for food and anything child related to the joint.

This is not right at all as others have said. I did 4 years in Mid East.
All is for family. A family is a joint enterprise. The adults contribute as and what they can. Usually it is simplified to Earning or Caring.
You are just as entitled to a nice watch as he is. The food and way of life for you here should not be downgraded at his whim. Spend the money from whichever account you can.
Neither do I like him transferring money beyond your reach. a red flag imo. It might be a good idea to transfer money to your name.
My wife asked me not to do another contract. We lived very simply thereafter. On a fraction of the salary that I had been getting. We wanted to live as a family.
Have you considered that.

OP, don’t do anything re issuing ultimatums/changing bank accounts etc until you have got as much financial information as you can. Say nothing to your husband about how things aren’t working.

Go through your bank statements and add up how much money he’s taken out to put into “his” savings.

Then, work out how much is spent on what should be family expenses (bills, food, child expenses etc) plus how much is spent looking after his parents (include time taking to appointments, food…anything someone would have to be paid to provide). Do you know how much he actually earns? “His” savings are joint assets and will be treated as such should you divorce. Do you know how much his pension is worth? My concern would be that he’s transferring money to an account somewhere other than the UK.

You need to know how much it costs to run your household and how much each of you is contributing financially. How much time do you spend looking after children and parents? What are his parents like and would they be on your side if you were to tell them what he’s doing and leaving all of you short of money?

He needs to go, if for no other reason than your DC don’t have to grow up in fear of him. I bet things are a million times better when he’s working away…

This is good advice - gather all the information you can, take photos or copies of all the relevant papers you can find, ready to give to your future divorce solicitor, BEFORE you take any action regarding the bank accounts. Otherwise he will get suspicious.

But act quickly, because he is bleeding you dry and every month that goes by your situation will be getting worse. What will you do when you can't extend your overdraft any more but he still won't put enough in the joint?

OP, my husband has also been unfair about finances.

You mention how yours can be impatient and has been impatient with your children.

That really struck a cord with me because my husband is similar - i.e. he can blame people for things unreasonably and he gets irritable.

I wonder if the two traits are linked somehow.

I’m thinking someone this controlling could be looking at your browser history on your home computer too when he’s home?

Wishing you and your children all the best.

Wow. Spend from the joint account. In fact, empty it and tell him you are keeping that in reserve in case he leaves it short again, and he needs to top it up. Do not buy one single joint thing from your own money. Ask him. Every day if you need. If he says time you earnt more, you say, absolutely. As soon as you get a local job so you can actually be a parent i will look for a bigger job to contribute more financially. While I’m here being mum and dad and everything in between, you can just bloody well top up the account before I start telling everyone we know you are living it up overseas and leaving us short. (Pride would be a big deal with him I think). Build your boundary walls of rock and enforce them. New sofa? Joint account. ‘It’s for your house and your children. It’s not jewellery or a weekend away for me. I’m not asking you about basic items for our house.’

and save save save so you can leave if that’s your decision. Do not let him continue to be financially abusive and also rob you of your ability to leave as you are draining your own finances.

I'm sorry you're going through that.

I'd say the two traits are related to being a selfish entitled prick.

Spot on, @Codlingmoths. I hope the OP takes your advice.

My husband earns about eight times as much as me. He paid for the house deposit with his savings and he pays the mortgage himself. However, he still always says "our house" and refers to his salary as "our money". When you're married we just see it all as joint money, joint assets.
Although my husband contributes a lot more than me financially he sees my contribution to the family as equal to his.

How are things OP@Birdie35
you nee to leave him and yes take your name of joint account.
Id make plans to leave you and your kids are on egg shells . Leave him to his sofa etc.
He will have plenty cms to pay on his lovely massive income . (Twat)
I wouldn’t live struggling like a single person when my husband was loaded .
He brings nothing to the table not worry and misery .
Hes a controlling abusive narcassist