Husband refers to jointly owned assets as ‘his’

[Birdie35]

Sorry- this is a long one and I changed name.

My husband got a new job 7 years ago and he earns 3 times as much as me. We moved house 2 years ago and I offered to put a third of my salary into our joint account (1k) because mortgage payment is a lot higher. I also pay for other household bills from my personal bank account on top of the 1k which comes to about £500. I have a separate bank account where my salary goes and his salary goes into our joint account although he does have other accounts.

He will constantly refer to jointly owned assets as ‘his’ and when we are making purchases I seem to have no say. He will say ‘my house’, ‘my car’… he even said ‘my sofa’ the other day because our son dropped some crumbs on it. He will say ‘I’m not paying for that’ or ‘my money isn’t going on that’.

He will make expensive purchases (watches) without chatting with me about it and randomly moves large sums of money from the joint account to other accounts without mentioning it to me and he says this is going into ‘his’ savings. But if I wanted to purchase something such as a new mattress, he will say no. Unless he also wants the item I want, I usually get a flat no.

On the one hand it doesn’t feel right but on the other hand he earns way more than me, his money goes into our joint account whereas mine doesn’t. He does pay for meals when we go out etc but I hate this ‘my money, my house’ talk.

He works away in the Middle East so I feel by looking after the family here (4 children and his elderly parents) I contribute in ways other than financial. I’ve now taken on more work in September so I don’t have to spend from the joint account (I’m talking food shopping and clothes for children, not luxury items) as he always questions me and tells me to shop in cheaper places etc. . Is this fairly typical of marriages where one earns more than the other? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Stay posting on here op and get advice about getting your ducks in a row.

No you shouldn't be living like this, not getting a mattress whilst he buys fancy watches.

Also doesn't sound like he's very respectful in other ways.

Protect yourself now, it's good you are questioning all of this.

My DH earns 4 times what I earn and we don’t have a joint account… however he has used everything he has to pay off OUR mortgage and put everything else into both our ISAs, pensions and I pay for daily expenses. We literally chat weekly about everything, I know every amount in all accounts.
(I also used to work in forensic accounting so he knows I check it all!)

He wouldn’t have the DC in the first place if she wasn’t around

Just leaving aside whatever else is wrong with the marriage for a moment, there is a big issue with the way your finances are currently arranged.

Your salary goes into your own account, and you transfer some into the joint.
His salary goes into the joint, so he transfers some out - otherwise he would have no money in his own account.
This is a recipe for confusion, misunderstanding, and resentment.

Assuming you are not just about to divorce, you need to do the following:

1. Tell him to get his salary paid into his own account, or alternatively you pay your salary into the joint account, to make it the same treatment for both of you.
2. Work out how much money the joint account needs, for absolutely everything: mortgage, bills, food, children, the lot.
3. Agree how much you will each transfer, or leave, in the joint account each month. There are two choices here:- firstly proportional to income, so that if he earns four times as much as you he pays in four times as much. The trouble with this is that he still has proportionally more than you left for himself for personal savings, spending on himself, etc. OR secondly you each end up with the same amount in your personal accounts, say £500 each or whatever, so you have the same personal money and everything else goes into the joint account.
4. Also set up joint savings for irregular expenses and major repairs and replacements, also for Christmas, holidays, and other annual costs, plus general savings for the future. Transfer money from joint current to joint savings, so you are both automatically paying in fairly.
5. Ensure you both have pensions of equal value - if necessary he pays into a pension for you.

Never, ever, pay for household or children costs out of your personal account - it has to come out of the joint, for clarity and accountability.

This needs to be discussed and sorted out asap.

Okay I have just seen the post about your DC walking on eggshells.

Don't get your salary paid into the joint.
Divorce him.

My husband earns 3 x my salary as I scaled back hours to look after our son.

Not once has he ever referred to joint assets has 'his'. Everything is ours.

Your DH is being a shit

No, this is not typical. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and resources, all of them, should be pooled for joint use for the good of the family.

He is abusing you financially. Taking care of children, a home etc. is work which should be respected. He is treating you as an appendage, not a partner.

I couldn't live like that and it sounds as though in the future you'll get dumped from a great height anyway. Why not give your children a few relaxed years at home? It sounds awful that you are all running around when the Big Man comes home.

What are his parents like?

Generally I think it should be income proportionate but...if your husband is rich...I dunno how he can respect himself as a man expecting his much lower earning partner to put her hand in her pocket. What a loser.

In your scenario I'd be paying for one household bill like the electric and maybe half the food shopping trips. That would be it.

I Read Threads like this daily and I wish I could wave a magic wand and rescue these women from financially abusive and controlling men or magically create a state of mind of non-acceptance and energy to get the eff out of Dodge.
@Birdie35 life is short. Lawyer up.

I don't know about a financial over haul in the household. My overhaul would be my life and a divorce.

@Trianglesandcircles1 thank you - good advice. I have suggested he get his own account and we have the joint account purely for bills and kids etc. he agreed but nothing more has been done. My slight concern is that he wouldn’t put enough in there. He often transfers large amounts out of the joint account (5-15k) often leaving it short for bills. He told me last month when it went into the overdraft and I brought it to his attention ‘time you put a bit more in then isn’t it’ so I extended my overdraft to support the joint account. I don’t know what to do and whether I’m even justified in feeling crap over this. To be honest, my biggest upset is the constant ‘my house, my car, my sofa’ to things that are jointly owned… but then again, are they jointly owned if he pays for the majority of it?

@MaggieBsBoat i love this! I wish I was this strong! I believe I will be one day- thank you x

There are so many threads like this and I just don’t get it. DH and I only have a joint account, share everything. We discuss bigger purchases but both know how much we have to play with. This included our children - two of whom were not his and there were none of the why should he pay for my kids conversations. While I understand full joint accounts aren’t for everyone there has to be sharing and fairness. After all if you were to divorce him you would be entitled to half of everything.

Don't pay for any of the bills or food from your own account. These are joint expenses and should come from the joint account!
Every time he moves money into his savings, move the same amount into an account with your name on.

Good Grief.
You extended your personal overdraft because the joint account was overdrawn and he refused to put any money in.

And you think the bigger issue is him saying 'my this, my that;?
You need to wise up.

Immediately take your name off the joint account. Contact the bank asap.

Then let it go overdrawn - it is his problem.

Then divorce him - seriously.

I'm sorry to ask;is he keeping a mistress out there?

I'd be wary of him moving money around;is he hiding it?

You're in an abusive marriage;you're expected to work,pay your share,take care of the home,children,HIS parents whilst he swans off abroad to please only himself.

He's financially abusing you,demonstrating king of the castle behaviour/control and using you as a domestic appliance.

You need to get some legal advice regarding savers/money/assets.

My husband turned into a bit of a knob when he worked abroad with his big man job and his big man salary with all the other expat knobs. It’s definitely a thing. He’s returned to normal now he’s back full time in Scotland. Just tell him he’s being a knob and see what he says. He’s either got a bit Billy Big Bollocks or he’s up to something. You’ll know which.

Tbh I'd be thinking he was gambling the money away.

@Trianglesandcircles1 that does sound ridiculous when you put it like that. Thanks - I’ve never discussed any of this with anyone so getting straightforward and to-the-point advice from strangers is eye-opening and making me feel a bit of a fool but I need to hear it.

This.

And inform him that he needs to organize care for his parents; you aren't their skivvy either.

He's abusive in many, many ways.

You should be making plans to leave for your sake and the children's.

It's possible he has another family in Dubai?

I would spend this evening gathering as much paper work as you can before he comes home. Then when he's home try and get as much out of him as you can about finances. Play the game... tell him you're worried about cost of living or a "friend" has said something that's upset you. Do whatever it takes to get as much info on what he has, account details, salary or money transferred into joint names. Copies of payslips if possible - play the "ooh you can't be earning that much can you..!" game.

Then take it all to a solicitor and take him to the cleaners. Show your children your inner strength.

Indeed!

'I could earn x hours per week more but I am spending (that amount of hours) caring for your parents'.

(followed by - if you like)
'So you get your arse back here and do it instead'
or 'pay a carer
or 'I'll continue and you transfer that amount extra'.

'And if you want cheaper shopping, feel free to find a Lidl and get your lazy arse down there weekly yourself. I shop wisely but I don't have time to go from shop to shop inbetween work, our kids, and your parents'.

Grrh!

Everything is jointly owned because you're married.

His behaviour towards you and the kids sounds terrible because it is terrible.

It's wrong that you're planning on working more so that you use the joint account less for food shopping and the kids'clothes - those are joint bills, the joint account is exactly where it should be coming from.

If you work more, it should be to build up your own savings and pension and pay for solicitor's advice on divorcing the bugger.