Affair

[Sara45]

I’ve been unhappy for a long time in my marriage. I’ve tried to work on it, done couple counselling, talked to husband about how I was feeling but nothing ever changed.
I met someone and had a fling. I told my husband and we’ve decided it’s be best if I moved out.
Im thinking of renting a small flat, so not enough space for my 3 children.
However I was thinking for the moment the boys could continue to live in the family home with their father and I will carry on looking after them as I do now and leave when he’s home around 8.

Id like to know what people’s thoughts are on this as it is completely new for me I’m trying to think of ways to make it less difficult for my boys

Surely you need somewhere big enough to have your kids 50% of the time?

Regardless of the affair...

Question - who is normally the main carer of the children? Do you both work?

This idea could result in you paying him significant child maintenance. Do you really want to be living somewhere with no room for your children?

if give this some serious thought before making any hasty decisions OP:

I am the main carer but my husband is the main breadwinner

If it's a brief, temporary arrangement, well I've heard of worse.

But you need to be sorting out proper long-term child arrangements and financial settlement. So you need a place with enough space for the DC. Will your DH buy you out of the former marital home? Will that give you enough to secure a place with enough space? If not, then you need to start looking at how you will increase your income

Do not leave the family home. You are the main carer.

Honestly I’d not leave, it sets a precedent for your husband to be the primary carer, he’d be able to claim child benefit - you’d not be able to claim tax credits re them as they won’t live with you. Really bad idea… .any solicitor would also tell you the same. Stay in the maritial home.

What if she doesn't want to be the main carer anymore?

Do you work?

What has your ex said about what he expects?

I too would advise against doing ANYTHING without seeing a solicitor first and DO NOT move out until you have a written agreement on a settlement. The fact that you ( no doubt) feel guilty about the affair is neither here nor there. You will be entitled to a share of the marital home etc and if you want to do what is best for the boys you MUST see a lawyer first before doing anything

Watching the children in your ex-family home won't give you an income or anything and you will have to pay him maintenance for the boys if they aren't living with you. PLEASE TAKE LEGAL ADVICE or you could be doing exactly the WRONG thing for your children

I work my earnings are 1,800 pm as I’m the main carer. Husband earns 3,900 pm

Please don't leave just to punish yourself. You will be shooting yourself in the foot in the long run and as a previous poster said you not living with them is not what they need.

Stay in the home, don't leave your children and file for divorce.

It will be hard, see a solicitor.

Can you afford the family home?
If you can, your kid's dad should move out and you can house the children while he does his share of custody.
If you can't, do you mean you'll visit the family home every day to care for the kids?

If you're the main carer it would make sense for him to move out. Don't leave. When it comes down to it, nobody cares whether you had an affair or not. You have every right to stay in the home, so stay there. As a PP has said, if you leave, you're opening yourself up to paying maintenance too.

Stop. Breathe. Speak to a solicitor this week, there are lots that will give you a free 30mins-1 hour advice.

So you move out, do all the day to day work of raising the DC, pay maintenance for them and live in poverty in a flat?

Could this have been your STBEXH suggestion by any chance? It's a bad idea and potentially could affect your finacial settlement and of course your relationship with your DC.
If your ex was to find someone else, do you think he'd be as keen to have you around. You get a small flat, whereas he keeps the house - a good deal indeed for him as you are entitled to half of everything at the very least.
You are letting guilt cause an acceptance of crumbs here. Sounds like there was a lot wrong before the affair, an exit affair perhaps. Not an ideal way to end a marriage, but a bad relationship makes people vulnerable so it happens.
A better plan would be to sell the house, split any savings, equity etc, then see what you can rent/ buy separately. Get a solicitor ASAP if you don't already have one.

In the experience of friends, Husbands use the wife's guilt about an affair to royally screw them over in the divorce settlement.

I have also heard of women who move out and then find they lose custody of the kids ( as well as being vilified as bad mothers).

Don't let either happen to you. You are splitting up because your marriage failed, not because of the affair. Do not allow yourself to be treated worse in the divorce and custody arrangments because of it.

Friend of mine did exactly this, more so the kids wouldn’t face disruption. The divorce was nasty.

So you want to live in a flat and still look after the kids when? All the time? Weekends, evenings, mornings?

Your affair is the result of a broken marriage. Your marriage is now over and your splitting up. Your husband is bound to want you to leave as you did the wrong...but it's never that black and white.
You do not need to leave your home to make things better and causes less disruption to them both but it won't it will make it worse. Also you will be flushing money away that you will no doubt need by renting a place.
Your children need stability more than ever right now and what your suggesting is just going to add to the upheaval of their parents splitting up.
You going off somewhere each night will just add to it all and possibly make things worse for you.
Stay put, get some legal advice and go from there!

Things are getting a bit nasty. Husband is saying he’s going to tell all our friends and family I’ll be miserable I need to feel like shit etc. I’m upstairs and I’m all shaky he keeps having these angry outbursts which are scary

If he's getting angry...Tell him to leave!

He won’t !! He’s now saying he’s going to tell our children !