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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair

81 replies

Sara45 · 05/08/2023 14:58

I’ve been unhappy for a long time in my marriage. I’ve tried to work on it, done couple counselling, talked to husband about how I was feeling but nothing ever changed.
I met someone and had a fling. I told my husband and we’ve decided it’s be best if I moved out.
Im thinking of renting a small flat, so not enough space for my 3 children.
However I was thinking for the moment the boys could continue to live in the family home with their father and I will carry on looking after them as I do now and leave when he’s home around 8.

OP posts:
becauseicanthatswhy · 06/08/2023 21:10

Sara45 · 06/08/2023 21:09

He won’t !! He’s now saying he’s going to tell our children !

You can't stop him from doing that but if he is scaring you, call the police. They will remove him. He has no right to scare you, no matter what!

acpk55 · 06/08/2023 21:23

Ladyoftheknight · 05/08/2023 16:19

Can you afford the family home?
If you can, your kid's dad should move out and you can house the children while he does his share of custody.
If you can't, do you mean you'll visit the family home every day to care for the kids?

But why should he move out ?, it’s his house and home as much as hers ?

Surly they need to live as separated people in the same house while he divorces her

Hecate01 · 06/08/2023 21:27

Honestly if this was the other way around there'd be people writing google the script, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

He's just found out you've had an affair, do you really expect him to be bringing you flowers? Of course he's going to be angry and whilst violence is never the answer neither is keeping your emotions bottled up.

There's no point hiding upstairs feeling shaky now, you knew the risk that you took and every action has consequences. Best thing you can do is leave him calm down and then try and talk sensibly with him about the future but at the moment it must be incredibly raw for him and emotions will run high.

When I first read your post I thought well these things happen but by the time I got to the end you sound very much like you think you are the victim in all of this and seem more worried about people finding out what you have done.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just hate the double standards on MN when it's the woman that has the affair. Same can be said for the hate towards the OW, you never ever hear of anyone saying things about the OM.

K8ate · 06/08/2023 21:44

You had the affair - it should be you who moves out.
If this was the other way round and the op was male, the advice here would be radically different.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/08/2023 21:48

Sounds like all this just came out so he’s obviously hurting and raging. He’s also going to want to tell people, that’s what people do when their spouses have been cheating and blown their lives and families apart. It might be best if you go somewhere else for the night and you can leave longer term plans for another day.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 06/08/2023 22:16

I think advice is to never leave.
Have you heard about bird nesting? I read about it on Guardian online recently. The one bed flat can be the bolthole for you both 50% of the time and then the children don't have to move between homes.
If you leave, surely you need to rent a place big enough to house the children assuming you want them with you at least 50/50?
Don't leave. You think you're walking out on your husband, but won't your children feel you've walked out on them too? Is that what your husband's solicitor is going to see/say/project?
Take legal advice before doing anything.
And if things do get nasty call the police. He can be hurt, angry, upset, etc, and with valid reason, but he can't threaten, make you feel unsafe.

Soccerlegs · 06/08/2023 22:33

Your husband is a cunt. Let him tell relatives so what.
The children is a different story though. I think this arrangement is stupid, you should stay in the home, I'd sleep separately and try to avoid him when he is around but I wouldn't move out.
I would get legal advice but its usually selling the house if you own.

RandomForest · 06/08/2023 22:57

However I was thinking for the moment the boys could continue to live in
the family home with their father and I will carry on looking after
them as I do now and leave when he’s home around 8.

This is not a good idea, if he's recently found out he would think you are staying with the om every night. Now that might sound practical for you but it would be cruel to do that to him.

Don't leave the house, file for divorce and stop seeing the om so it doesn't inflame the situation. If he becomes unreasonable or aggresive call the police but don't leave your children every evening, they will also make assumptions if you leave every night at 8pm.

What a mess, I don't agree with what you have done but you are entitled to your fair share and I think it would be in your best interests to remain in the home till a divorce is final.

fullbloom87 · 07/08/2023 00:24

I think that sounds like a reasonable arrangement. No reason why you can't have a sofa bed in the lounge and have your children stay sometimes. All the children need is your love and care, they don't need a big home with decorated bedrooms for weekend visits.
You had the affair because your marriage was over so you kind of decided you were moving out when that affair started anyway.

Haggisfish3 · 07/08/2023 00:28

I was in this situation. I did move out as I could see relationships between me and exh deteriorating very quickly. It worked in that we are now very amicable. I rent somewhere and dc spend week about with each of us. I have got myself into debt to rent though-I can only do it becisse we each stand to gain a decent amount in profit. And I trust exh implicitly in terms of being fair.

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 00:49

Hecate01 · 06/08/2023 21:27

Honestly if this was the other way around there'd be people writing google the script, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

He's just found out you've had an affair, do you really expect him to be bringing you flowers? Of course he's going to be angry and whilst violence is never the answer neither is keeping your emotions bottled up.

There's no point hiding upstairs feeling shaky now, you knew the risk that you took and every action has consequences. Best thing you can do is leave him calm down and then try and talk sensibly with him about the future but at the moment it must be incredibly raw for him and emotions will run high.

When I first read your post I thought well these things happen but by the time I got to the end you sound very much like you think you are the victim in all of this and seem more worried about people finding out what you have done.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just hate the double standards on MN when it's the woman that has the affair. Same can be said for the hate towards the OW, you never ever hear of anyone saying things about the OM.

This. I’m very pro woman/ the sisterhood etc but this is ridiculous - the person who cheated should be the one who has to inconvenience themselves by moving out.

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 00:51

K8ate · 06/08/2023 21:44

You had the affair - it should be you who moves out.
If this was the other way round and the op was male, the advice here would be radically different.

Indeed.

Dropthedonkey · 07/08/2023 00:56

Doing what will work best for the children is the only thing that matters now. I'd be surprised if it's best for them for the OP to move out, but who knows?
Maybe she wants evenings in the flat to be with OM?

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2023 01:19

I know somebody who did this in similar circumstances. She lost residency of her children as the court decided that by leaving, her ex husband became the main carer, even though she was there every morning to get them ready and take them to school and did all other childcare. She just didn't sleep in the house. Ended up with EOW and holiday contact. It was horrific and destroyed her.

I can't condone your affair because it's a shit thing to do. However, don't make decisions based on guilt. Take legal advice. Do not move out. Get your ducks in a row in terms of where you'll live etc. It'll be better for both of you to divorce, however, taking the route you propose could see your life taking a very different path.

Weatherwax13 · 07/08/2023 04:25

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of your affair. If his anger escalates and becomes threatening do ring the police. You sound scared.
As long as you're safe do not leave the marital home until you've had legal advice.
I did this when I left my first marriage and ended up in a crappy rental which I could still scarcely afford. Fortunately I'd taken the kids with me. But I was stuck in a 2 bed with three kids for ages. He on the other hand could afford a good lawyer and I lost everything.

POWL01 · 07/08/2023 04:37

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 00:49

This. I’m very pro woman/ the sisterhood etc but this is ridiculous - the person who cheated should be the one who has to inconvenience themselves by moving out.

Show quote history

You've missed the point, it's about doing what's best for the kids and the primary carer leaving the kids with a dad who doesn't know how to look after them is not in their best interest.

lexilulu · 07/08/2023 06:06

Hecate01 · 06/08/2023 21:27

Honestly if this was the other way around there'd be people writing google the script, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

He's just found out you've had an affair, do you really expect him to be bringing you flowers? Of course he's going to be angry and whilst violence is never the answer neither is keeping your emotions bottled up.

There's no point hiding upstairs feeling shaky now, you knew the risk that you took and every action has consequences. Best thing you can do is leave him calm down and then try and talk sensibly with him about the future but at the moment it must be incredibly raw for him and emotions will run high.

When I first read your post I thought well these things happen but by the time I got to the end you sound very much like you think you are the victim in all of this and seem more worried about people finding out what you have done.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just hate the double standards on MN when it's the woman that has the affair. Same can be said for the hate towards the OW, you never ever hear of anyone saying things about the OM.

Absolutely. I didn't want to mention it OP as it's not helpful but - what did you think he was going to be like when he found out?!
If he had done this to you, Mumsnet would have had his bags packed for him.

lexilulu · 07/08/2023 06:09

@POWL01 surely the OP should have thought of that before she did what she did then?

Notamum12345577 · 07/08/2023 06:13

Soccerlegs · 06/08/2023 22:33

Your husband is a cunt. Let him tell relatives so what.
The children is a different story though. I think this arrangement is stupid, you should stay in the home, I'd sleep separately and try to avoid him when he is around but I wouldn't move out.
I would get legal advice but its usually selling the house if you own.

What, because he is hurt and angry after just finding out his wife has had an affair?

Ladybug14 · 07/08/2023 06:23

Sara45 · 05/08/2023 15:00

Id like to know what people’s thoughts are on this as it is completely new for me I’m trying to think of ways to make it less difficult for my boys

If it were me I wouldn't move out. I'd see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings

If your husband becomes abusive, I would call the Police and log the abuse, every time

If he tells everyone you know that you had an affair, so be it. You can't stop him

But you can log each abusive incident

Get cracking with the divorce, financial settlement and child maintenance

Copy or photograph all important paperwork and hide it somewhere safe

WeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 06:24

Soccerlegs · 06/08/2023 22:33

Your husband is a cunt. Let him tell relatives so what.
The children is a different story though. I think this arrangement is stupid, you should stay in the home, I'd sleep separately and try to avoid him when he is around but I wouldn't move out.
I would get legal advice but its usually selling the house if you own.

Eh? I mean, your post is mainly good advice after the first two sentences, but in what way is he a cunt for telling people the truth?? That’s just a consequence of an affair.

OP - you can’t hide what you did. It will come out. Just get ready to own it.

All that aside, get legal advice and explore your options.

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 07:00

Rage is normal. In fact people encourage women who are cheated on to get angry and many women do rage.

But there’s a difference between feeling enraged and risk of violence. If you think he is going to become violent, you do need to call the police.

However, it’s really not usual for people who have affairs and then try and make their spouse into a the villain. And claiming to be scared of him is good way to do that and get people on side. The person who has been shitty gets some sympathy. It sometimes works. Not always.

It’s often a bad play though when it comes to kids. One parent cheats then plays the victim. Works when kids are younger. But when they are older they often spot it. And it ruins the relationship with that parent by teenage years. Because they realise their parent cheated, then manipulated the situation to damage the relationship with the other parent.

Affairs include lots of manipulation, lots of lies. It’s no surprise people continue this behaviour when found out.

No one here knows wether the fear is genuine fear for safety or actually saying it’s fear of the husband when it’s actually fear of consequences to be fair.

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 07:02

Oh and as for telling the kids. It wouldn’t be my advice for him to that. Not fair on them.

But plenty of people advise women, on MN, when they have been cheated on to tell the kids. That they shouldn’t collude to hide his shitty behaviour.

Never seen any women called a cunt for it.

acpk55 · 07/08/2023 07:29

Soccerlegs · 06/08/2023 22:33

Your husband is a cunt. Let him tell relatives so what.
The children is a different story though. I think this arrangement is stupid, you should stay in the home, I'd sleep separately and try to avoid him when he is around but I wouldn't move out.
I would get legal advice but its usually selling the house if you own.

Why ?, just because his wife had an affair? ,

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 07/08/2023 07:51

Several issues here.

Firstly, you had an affair. His wanting to tell your friends and family is entirely normal and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t.

WRT the kids, you need to both make the right decision for them. Your husband wants you out of the family home, and on the face of it he has every right to want that. But as the main carer what is in your children’s best interests is what you both should be doing. And he doesn’t have the right to let his emotions get in the way of what is best for your children.

You need to see a lawyer and then you need to work together (as hard as that is) to reach a decision on how to proceed going forward. If you own the home then he will either need to buy you out or you’ll have to sell it. Meanwhile find out whether you’re entitled to any kind of benefits given you have children and which may enable you to move out with those children.

In essence, it’s ok to be the one to move out. It’s not a good idea to leave the kids behind.