Affair

[Sara45]

I’ve been unhappy for a long time in my marriage. I’ve tried to work on it, done couple counselling, talked to husband about how I was feeling but nothing ever changed.
I met someone and had a fling. I told my husband and we’ve decided it’s be best if I moved out.
Im thinking of renting a small flat, so not enough space for my 3 children.
However I was thinking for the moment the boys could continue to live in the family home with their father and I will carry on looking after them as I do now and leave when he’s home around 8.

When you have an affair, you risk your spouse finding out and being hurt and angry, your friends, family and children finding out and your name being muck. That’s kinda the deal. Don’t know why anyone is calling your husband a cunt for acting in a fairly foreseeable way.
however I really don’t see how you moving out as primary carer is anyway in the best interests of your children, you risk losing them and hurting them if they feel abandoned. I think you have to dig your heels, stay and prepare for a nasty divorce. Maybe don’t look for as big a percentage of the assets as you can get if you’re feeling guilty - but look for enough to house your children. And 50/50 custody - which means overnights, not looking after them during the day.

Totally agree with @Pissedoffandcovidy

Why is the husband a c*^% ?? OP had the affair! He is entitled to be angry - a natural reaction and to be honest the OP is likely not be hamming it up to garner sympathy

You have betrayed your husband taken his personal agency from him, possibly his right to informed sexual consent, hurt him immeasurably and no doubt taken time you should have devoted to your children in seeking validation with another man, sneaking off to see him and messaging.

Of course he’s bloody angry. He has every right to tell whoever he chooses and process this in whatever way he feels fit. The poster who calls him a c* is utterly ridiculous!

If you feel truly threatened call the police but don’t expect an extraordinarily hurt person to behave in a way that makes YOU comfortable.

I don't understand why he's a cunt when he's having a perfectly normal reaction to extreme hurt and distress. I know this, because it happened to me. My ex and OW called me similar for daring not to accept the absolute carnage they inflicted on my life. OP is at fault here and only has herself to blame but she is the main carer of young children and their needs must be prioritised.

How do you know he doesn't know how to look after them? OP may be the main carer, but you have no proof that he doesn't do any caring at all.

When you had an affair and told your husband, what did you think would happen!? Surely this reaction isn't a surprise?

Affairs attract a lot of posts on mumsnet usually
Vilifying people and suggesting you should be hung drawn and quartered.

The sad reality is that they are very common in unhappy/unfulfilled marriages. Yes they shouldn't happen. But they are more often then not a symptom of the marriage breakdown and not the cause. And it does sound like this is your situation. Do not do anything rash out of guilt right now. You should feel guilty and he is very entitled to be angry. All the threats he is making are normal. He may or may not follow through with them. They give him power over you when he has been hurt and emasculated.

I think telling the children is a terrible idea. For them. Friends and relatives will find out eventually. And it will mostly blow over. If people are that judgemental to disown you over this then they are probably not your tribe anyway. People are generally more understanding then you think and can probably see how unhappy you have been. If he tells people id suggest you own it. The marriage was failing, i handled it badly, i ended it, i came clean. We are now over and i wish the end had come about differently so we could be amicable'. Keep your head up-one Mistake does not make you a terrible person. Take some power back and tell your own people before he does. Get some support.

Most of the lashing out from him and your own fear is the utter terror over your relationship with your kids. You actually have that in common believe it or not.

Do not move out into a place too small for the kids to stay. Just sit tight. Buckle up. Its going to be a hellish few weeks. A happier future awaits you both and you will get there its just going to take time.

Do not leave your children OP. Use this time to make better arrangements. I would see a solicitor if this were me and the last thing I would do is to leave my children.

@juicelooseabootthishoose talks most sense!

You had the affair not him - he should not have to move out.

This ^^

Do not leave your home or chi!dren.D
Get legal advice asap

She had the affair but he is the cunt? You have weird values

Separations are difficult for children even if you and your ex husband do everything right.. There will be a adjustment of new routines and probably some resentment directed to you when you leave them to other house if they are older.
The flat that you rent could be the nearest which you can find so you keep seeing the children and children see you regularly. And ideally, with some improvisation for children sleeping there if they want. Because they will ask now or in the future if you maintain the contact with them. For sleeping there, i dont think you need a lot of space, most flats have already sufficient space but they will not have each a room for themselves obviously. And living there could be crowded so not ideal for that.

I did this. Still doing this, no affairs on either side though. We are amicable and get on well. I have both children while he's working and they stay with me at my mums when it fits round work. I think it's different if you both get on, other wise your asking for trouble. My kids are older though and have adjusted well... nothing much has changed apart from the fact I might not see them for 24 hours maximum (Work) otherwise I'm there all the time. I'm not stupid and know this may change when new partners come on the scene .... untill then we make it work for our children's sake. See a solicitor!

You need to move out and rent somewhere big enough for your dc to stay with you.
You had the affair. You should be the one to move.

Its all very well saying you want to do the best for your dc, but you were the one who risked blowing their little lives up for a quick shag. And well, that is exactly what you did. Along with your dh.,

Whatever your issues were in your marriage - you either sort them or you leave.
yes everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes they have bloody big consequences. This is yours.

You are now in a situation that, yes, should be more shit for you than your DH. Thats the brutal honest truth.

I think the best you can hope for is that he does not channel his anger towards you at hurting you more by telling the dc.
If I were you i'd be doing what you can to temper the situation, making it easier for him. I doubt he wants to even look at you right now, but perhaps giving him some space - getting out the way - letting him get through the pain he is likely feeling, may mean the 2 of you can talk reasonably together at some point in the near future and minimise the disruption to your children.

But right now, the priority is not you.

What is best for the children is what matters, not who had an affair.

Your husband should forgive you and open up the marriage maybe. Everyone makes mistakes. He isn't even around to parent the children, working away til 8pm he isn't even around for the children and now happy to use her as a nanny and separate her from her kids. An affair doesn't have to end a marriage, they can recover. It's nasty to threaten telling the kids. An affair is not a free pass to use the children as ammunition. This is between the adults.

Why on earth should he do anything like that ??

women are never ever given this advice

Yeah, I think not having an affair would have probably been best for the children.

Nah, it makes no sense. You’ll have to pay him maintenance as he’s the resident carer, and you’ll be unable to earn since you’re doing all the childcare.

either you need to be where the children are - so you (ie the children until they’re 18) get the house
or you need to start splitting childcare.
if you split childcare you both need to downsize to two smaller homes.

I can see why he wouldn’t be happy about either of those options though and why he’s angry

Wpuldnt it be better that you both use the flat
so you both spend time at home with kids

Just because he’s angry you cheated doesn’t mean that you lose your kids

get legal advice ASAP

and be careful and calm

he’s hurting and that’s understandable

but this can’t drive custody issues

You get what you deserve