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Original poster

Partner just compared me to ex - TWICE

107 replies

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 01:28

Me and DP have been together 2 + years - his ex is toxic from what he, his family and what I know of her.

Tonight is the first night blending families - is, his DS staying at mine with my DD, separate rooms kids asleep - but it’s been tough, tensions have run high and DP has had a little too much wine.

we were whisper arguing about something petty and he said ‘you sound just like her’ I asked him if he was serious, he said ‘yes, I’m having flash backs of her looking at you’ - I’m livid and I’m the spare room fuming!!!

He has come in to try and coax me to bed but I’m fuming! How dare he resort to that so quickly, we rarely argue so I’m shocked he would stoop so low so quick!

Is this the end?

OP posts:
HalloumiLuvver · 05/08/2023 12:01

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 09:26

I have no time for men who try to manipulate women into only ever having sweet amenable dispositions.

I wonder how toxic the ex really was... Maybe she dared to sometimes express anger and frustration as if they were normal emotions.

Ooft, nails it. If this is his view of women, definitely bin time.

Original poster
Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 12:09

Did want to leave the post.

His son got up and I made him breakfast and he came down a couple of minutes later. He apologised and has been all morning and I have explained that his behaviour was completely unacceptable, including the comments. He tried to get defensive so I just walked off and told him to come back when he was an adult.

He has since been very apologetic but tbh there is something I can’t shift.

Despite the storm I am going to take my DD out today even to visit grandparents to get out. I shouldn’t have to but it will give us all space

OP posts:
Original poster
Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 12:09

That should say *didnt want to leave the post

OP posts:
Original poster
Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 12:10

PaintedEgg · 05/08/2023 08:52

you got yourself an instant idiot - all you need to add is alcohol and he's ready!

Seriously though - if his ex was so toxic you better not traumatise this poor soul anymore, being so much like her and giving him flashbacks and stuff. Better send him home as soon as he's awake

Brilliant comment!

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2023 12:13

You slept in the spare room last night, and now you're taking your daughter out. Why are you allowing him to push you and your dc out of your own home? By all mean go out and have a day out with dd, but only after you've asked him to leave and he has gone.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 12:18

Good grief, just tell him to leave. He's a prize idiot.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 05/08/2023 12:20

Er this is not a good tactic when trying to clear the air and make progress:
He apologised and has been all morning and I have explained that his behaviour was completely unacceptable, including the comments. He tried to get defensive so I just walked off and told him to come back when he was an adult.

What was he saying that was defensive?
It’s not at all good to just walk off, refuse to discuss and call him a child.

AutumnCrow · 05/08/2023 12:20

Agree with pp. He's insulted you in your own home, he's made you feel unhappy and uncomfortable in your own home, he got defensive, and now you've effectively been pushed out of your own home in the pissing rain for the day.

And you made his son breakfast because he was still in your bedroom.

What's his own accommodation like, out of interest?

LadyBird1973 · 05/08/2023 12:22

The comment about the dog taking his place on the sofa was so unbelievably petty and so illuminating about how much of a controlling arse he's going to be if he move into your house.

You shouldn't be going out today - this is your space. You should send him home first and then if you want to go out, do so. But don't let him stay tonight.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2023 12:26

This is the end, surely. He has shown you who he is now. It was a tactic to absolutely control you - don’t say anything that doesn’t obey his wishes or you’re “just like her”. Be an obedient and submissive partner or you’re a psycho “just like her”.

And the alcohol use. No. Don’t bring this shit into your child’s life.

ProudThrilledHappy · 05/08/2023 12:29

if you are having to take your DD out to get space after just one night then you should just cut his visit short. He’s spent one night in your home and you are already trying to escape!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 12:38

Get your big girl pants on OP and get him to leave. You need to show your DD that you are in control and you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour from men.

Do it for your DD if you can by do it for yourself. Call a friend and ask them to come around if you think he's going to get nasty.

RealisticGuy · 05/08/2023 12:45

Where you also having a drink OP or just him on his own?

You had a disagreement, if you have different parenting styles neither of you are right about those, you are just different.

His comment was uncalled for but throwing away a 2 year relationship over it is extreme. It was an extremely stressful night, you’s had an argument and some alcohol involved.

People on MN seem to forget that we are all human and can occasionally make mistakes. The leave culture is ridiculous.

JFDIYOLO · 05/08/2023 12:45

To be clear, is this your own house and he stays over?
Or does he now live with you at yours?
Or do you share the rent/mortgage?

You were wise to leave it some time before attempting an all together night.

For the children this would have been a very unsettling event anyway and should have been managed much more carefully and responsibly by him.

But on an evening that was important to you all, instead of staying in control, he drank too much.

He has also now dismissed two women as sharing the same faults. This belongs in the 'my crazy ex' category, especially if there are several exes in there.

Although he apologised he did get defensive and then blamed the dog for taking his spot.

He sounds very immature and lacking in parenting or adulting resources, with quite the misogynist streak.

Do you know his ex? Might be time for a heart to heart and her take on her experience with him?

And consider if you want to continue the relationship if two separate households might be best?

HermioneKipper · 05/08/2023 12:54

Tell him to go back to his.

That you need more time before even thinking about blending

Your daughter doesn’t need this shit around and neither do you

nonmerci99 · 05/08/2023 13:18

RealisticGuy · 05/08/2023 12:45

Where you also having a drink OP or just him on his own?

You had a disagreement, if you have different parenting styles neither of you are right about those, you are just different.

His comment was uncalled for but throwing away a 2 year relationship over it is extreme. It was an extremely stressful night, you’s had an argument and some alcohol involved.

People on MN seem to forget that we are all human and can occasionally make mistakes. The leave culture is ridiculous.

This is one of the more sensible
comments on the thread.

JudgeRudy · 05/08/2023 13:32

When i read your title i was expecting you to say hecompared you less favourably eg his ex was prettier, had a better job etc. I now see it was saying you're toxic,like he said she was. Without hearing the conversation its hard to say if you were 'off' but it's not useful to say that. It's possible though that he just had a triggering moment when you said something similar to what his ex would've said and it took him by surprise.
You said he's done this twice though. Was it similar circumstances? I wouldn't say hes necessarily said anything wrong if his intention was to set boundaries. Maybe he's thinking lm not having this again....or maybe he's just deflecting. We can't possibly say. I'd tread carefully though if it's happened twice as either you're being toxic or he is.

SnowWhitesSM · 05/08/2023 14:03

I agree there is definitely a leave culture on MN, but in this case it's absolutely justified. This man is a walking red flag.

When you have a happy well adjusted child at home to think about it's absolutely vital that you see these issues and face them head on so you can continue to have a well adjusted and happy dc. Bringing around this guy and blending would be a disaster. I feel sorry for his son.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 05/08/2023 14:07

RandomForest · 05/08/2023 01:36

Maybe what you thought about the ex is wrong.

Maybe he was the toxic one.

Was about to say this!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2023 14:13

Do you mean you’re going out with your child and leaving him and his in your home? Is he still staying tonight? Why would you do that?

The communication you describe is incredibly dysfunctional. He compares you to his ex, you walk away, stone wall him and call him a child.

None of that is normal.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2023 14:16

I don’t think it was bad of the OP to walk away if he was being a twat. She didn’t ignore him, just said she wouldn’t engage with him if he was being like that.

Its often sensible in an argument to walk away and cool off - first saying that’s what you’re doing.

Shes basically not taking any shit and that’s a good thing.

RandomForest · 05/08/2023 14:18

Well, you've probably been through two years of love bombing, care, attention and respect giving from this guy, now he's introduced you to his child in your envioroment.

His child is probably more used to seeing his father act disrespectfully to his mother, maybe he didn't want his child to see him in that light, being nice to someone else. He's obviously trying to command some respect from the child in the situation, as he would have done in his previous home.

He sounds childish to me, unable to resolve conflict without tantrumming and attacking you with hurtful words, you've hooked onto a spoilt idiot.

Thelnebriati · 05/08/2023 14:18

Did something change recently? You've been together for 2 years, and he now feels confident enough about revealing his toxic side.

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 14:27

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2023 12:13

You slept in the spare room last night, and now you're taking your daughter out. Why are you allowing him to push you and your dc out of your own home? By all mean go out and have a day out with dd, but only after you've asked him to leave and he has gone.

This OP.

Kindly meant but your boundaries are really poor.

How quickly he got defensive when you did kiss his feet at his apology.

Protect your daughter.

FatNoMoreSue · 05/08/2023 14:32

Dump. He’s an arsehole.

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