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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner just compared me to ex - TWICE

107 replies

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 01:28

Me and DP have been together 2 + years - his ex is toxic from what he, his family and what I know of her.

Tonight is the first night blending families - is, his DS staying at mine with my DD, separate rooms kids asleep - but it’s been tough, tensions have run high and DP has had a little too much wine.

we were whisper arguing about something petty and he said ‘you sound just like her’ I asked him if he was serious, he said ‘yes, I’m having flash backs of her looking at you’ - I’m livid and I’m the spare room fuming!!!

He has come in to try and coax me to bed but I’m fuming! How dare he resort to that so quickly, we rarely argue so I’m shocked he would stoop so low so quick!

Is this the end?

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 07:59

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 06:30

No one is up yet, will wait to see what he says when he gets up will of course be civil and pleasant to and with the kids

Are you thinking of letting him stay? Difficult to say what you would do in a situation like this but for me I think it would be over and I'd be waking him up to tell him so and asking him to leave without causing a fuss.

If you can't trust him to do that, then wake him and say that you thing him and DS should go home early after last night and he's obviously anxious and then dump him.

Also agree with the others, the poor behaviour his his. His ex was probably on until he got into her life.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 08:00

I would send him and DC home in a nice enough way and then dump his backside.

Why did he have too much wine when he was parenting in a strange environment for his DC? That's a red flag for a start, as is his attitude to you

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:03

I am just in shock I think, I genuinely couldn’t believe that he said that, I just have a horrible feeling there won’t even been an apology either which sinks me because up until now, I’d be pressed to find fault in our relationship.

wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes 🙄

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 08:05

wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes

Do you mean he drinks too much when he feels anxious?

You know this is another huge red flag don't you and it will just get worse if you stay with him?

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:07

😔 it’s all come to light a bit last night and this morning - funny how the cold light of day makes things clearer - last night I was furious - now I’m mad and sad

OP posts:

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2023 08:08

Oh so he and his family told you very early on the ex was psycho? This is a red flag, he was training you to Never challenge him for fear of being accused of being like her... which he has done on the very first sleepover with his child.

The relationship needs to be over, for the sake of your child if not yours. But it sounds like you are thinking of hearing him out? What's there to discuss? I would've thrown him out in the middle of the night, but you're a better woman than me.

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 08:08

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 08:05

wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes

Do you mean he drinks too much when he feels anxious?

You know this is another huge red flag don't you and it will just get worse if you stay with him?

Yip this.

ZebraD · 05/08/2023 08:08

Just take a step back for a moment and calm down.
If you have a pretty good relationship I do t understand the need to end it in your mind before you’ve even had a chance to digest and discuss. People really jump on the toxic , leave him bandwagon!
How about talk it through? See how the next night goes with the kids. It’s really not easy pulling everyone together. It’s not perfect all the time. It can be really challenging. But stick it out and at least give it chance. Let him know to never say that again - ever. Give him a chance or you may regret it…your choice. Good luck

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 08:10

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:07

😔 it’s all come to light a bit last night and this morning - funny how the cold light of day makes things clearer - last night I was furious - now I’m mad and sad

It's fine to be sad. You've spent 2 years with this tosser but don't he sad for too long OP, you are doing yourself a huge favour by getting rid

greydressinggownofdoom · 05/08/2023 08:10

If he drinks too much when he's anxious, that's a fault you know oP is what I'm trying to say

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 08:13

The first day of him and his son coming to stay should have been exciting and dun but you say it was tough.

Him drinking wine to excess jabs disgraceful.

It's not going to work.

He sounds belligerent, obnoxious and selfish.

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 08:14

Sorry for typos. ^

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2023 08:14

Please don't bring a man who drinks too much, insults you in your own home and whose parenting style is at such odds with your own, into your dcs home and safe space.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:15

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2023 08:14

Please don't bring a man who drinks too much, insults you in your own home and whose parenting style is at such odds with your own, into your dcs home and safe space.

I am really thinking hard about this. Not that it needs any thought but things are coming together

OP posts:

RaidFlySpray · 05/08/2023 08:16

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This kind of happened to me. ExDP told me real horror stories about his ex, as did his family- she was controlling, crazy, possessive, jealous, abusive etc etc. He seemed like such a gentle, lovely man and I really felt for him. And then slowly I realised that the more serious our relationship became, the more I understood that she was none of those things- all her actions were simply reactions to his terrible, manipulative, disloyal behaviour. It was a horrible relationship and when I finally found the strength to dump him (difficult because I still had the image of him as gentle and loving in my mind) I became just another crazy ex.

FlamingoFloss · 05/08/2023 08:22

ZebraD · 05/08/2023 08:08

I agree with this. I think it’s worthwhile discussing what happened and why before making your final decision. Good luck

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 05/08/2023 08:22

This is how the shit started with my abusive unDP. I wish I had untangled before I ended up in the complicated mess I'm trying to escape now.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:26

What should I be looking for this morning? I am green when it comes to dating and relationships I’ll be honest.

I was with my DD’s dad for many years and we split amicably because it wasn’t working, never had to deal with anything like this

OP posts:

LyricalGangsta · 05/08/2023 08:28

Takenoprisoner
Please don't bring a man who drinks too much, insults you in your own home and whose parenting style is at such odds with your own, into your dcs home and safe space.

Yes this. At the start of this year I removed one from my kids and mine safe place and life improved a million times over the second he left.
But it was much harder than if I had just said no when I was railroaded into him moving in in the first place.

ZebraD · 05/08/2023 08:36

Just go with the flow and see what happens. It’s a dealbreaker if he does it again in my opinion and you are otherwise happy.
talk it out and take it from there but definitely address it.

BalletBob · 05/08/2023 08:36

wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes 🙄

Oh come on. You need to take some responsibility here for the kind of man you are imposing onto your child's life. I get that some of his behaviour has perhaps come to light during this sleepover, but you already knew about the drinking as a coping mechanism and still decided to forge ahead and involve the kids.

This is red flag central and you would be mad and incredibly selfish to continue with things now.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 05/08/2023 08:36

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:26

What should I be looking for this morning? I am green when it comes to dating and relationships I’ll be honest.

I was with my DD’s dad for many years and we split amicably because it wasn’t working, never had to deal with anything like this

Ideally he will bring it up himself and apologise with an explanation.

If he doesn't you bring up the remarks. Up to you if you accept his apology.

If he's like my partner and tries to ignore, minimise or move past it then I strongly strongly urge you to get rid of him. Things will get a lot worse.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 08:40

Whoever you do decide this morning I would still ask him to go home.

If you do want to talk it through with him don't do it in your home with his DS present and after he's had too much to drink last night.

As for what to look out for, has he checked in on you yet to see how you are feeling?

Sadly, some men do like Women who haven't got much experience and let them get away with their appalling behaviour.

FlamingoQueen · 05/08/2023 08:40

I would have a chat with him this morning and say you don’t think you are able to forgive him for the comments. If you have really different parenting styles that is always going to make life hard, but the fact that he drank too much on what was meant to be the start of a (possible) future together seems bad.
I would ask them to leave when he’s up. You do not want your dd to be involved in all of the drama and I expect you don’t need it either. Like others have said, perhaps it wasn’t his ex that was the problem. End it now whilst you can. Sorry and good luck.

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 08:43

I really don't think it was the ex that was toxic.

Listen to his child who it seems gravitates to anyone but him.

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