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Original poster

Partner just compared me to ex - TWICE

107 replies

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 01:28

Me and DP have been together 2 + years - his ex is toxic from what he, his family and what I know of her.

Tonight is the first night blending families - is, his DS staying at mine with my DD, separate rooms kids asleep - but it’s been tough, tensions have run high and DP has had a little too much wine.

we were whisper arguing about something petty and he said ‘you sound just like her’ I asked him if he was serious, he said ‘yes, I’m having flash backs of her looking at you’ - I’m livid and I’m the spare room fuming!!!

He has come in to try and coax me to bed but I’m fuming! How dare he resort to that so quickly, we rarely argue so I’m shocked he would stoop so low so quick!

Is this the end?

OP posts:
LyricalGangsta · 05/08/2023 08:45

The different parenting styles things is massive. You end up questioning yourself.

I have always been quite happy and confident with the decisions I make regards parenting etc and he had me questioning everything I did and doubt wether I was doing the right thing

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 08:46

'wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes.'

Only if you're weak willed and irresponsible.

It was a family day, and he turned to drink.

You've seen what he's really like.

BIN HIM.

It's over.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 05/08/2023 08:49

Remoteclockface · 05/08/2023 08:03

I am just in shock I think, I genuinely couldn’t believe that he said that, I just have a horrible feeling there won’t even been an apology either which sinks me because up until now, I’d be pressed to find fault in our relationship.

wine unfortunately is a solution to anxiety sometimes 🙄

Ltb

lyralycra · 05/08/2023 08:49

He's trying to shut you down OP. Silencing you so that you become trained to never disagree or question him. He's probably hoping that telling you that you sound like her after he's portrayed her as a toxic person will make you think that you are being unreasonable.
His ex is probably not toxic!

PaintedEgg · 05/08/2023 08:52

you got yourself an instant idiot - all you need to add is alcohol and he's ready!

Seriously though - if his ex was so toxic you better not traumatise this poor soul anymore, being so much like her and giving him flashbacks and stuff. Better send him home as soon as he's awake

ReleasetheCrackHen · 05/08/2023 08:56

we were whisper arguing about something petty and he said ‘you sound just like her’ I asked him if he was serious, he said ‘yes, I’m having flash backs of her looking at you’ - I’m livid and I’m the spare room fuming!!!

Are you 100% sure as to his motivations in this? When you come out of an abusive relationship if a new partner starts to sound like your abusive partner, it can absolutely give you flashbacks and make you hyper vigilant on your boundaries- boundaries like your child is your child, not theirs and they need to back off. It completely colours your perception of things so even a new partner is just being helpful gets viewed with suspicion and told to back off. Not because the new partner is wrong, but because you are still processing the trauma of the past relationship and erring on the side of over-protection.

I’m not saying he was definitely telling the truth when he said this, but he might have been. Most men can’t admit to flashbacks and being traumatised without having a few drinks in them first.

Id try and have a conversation with him about what triggered the flashbacks - what was the flashback. If he’s telling the truth he will have a memory of some row with his ex that caused him trauma or something she repeatedly said like “you stupid twat” over and over or a facial expression…like snorts of contempt or rolling eyes.

If he can’t answer these questions, then I’d be thinking like you it was just low low blow tactic he used to score points in a row and there are no flashbacks, and as others are thinking he might have been the toxic one, not his ex.

Anyway, see if you can get to the bottom of it. If he is telling the truth, you’d want to be sensitive to what triggers flashbacks while getting him to some sort of trauma therapy.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 09:07

I'd also be looking to how he's actively trying to help his anxiety. I'm a little snowed under and my anxiety is going through the roof but I've restarted daily yoga and meditation and it's definitely helping. If his only coping mechanism is the drink, he's got 2 problems, drink and anxiety, not just one.

Disappointed1 · 05/08/2023 09:13

It’s not great but if he is anxious and he was triggered this does explain his behaviour. But it doesn’t excuse it.

I would be looking for acknowledgement that he has not behaved well. That he is anxious, shouldn’t have attacked you and shouldn’t have drunk if he couldn’t keep his shit together. He needs to take full responsibility and be apologetic. If he is unable to do this is would be a no from me.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/08/2023 09:21

I think you should have an open conversation today. If he doesn’t start with something like I’m so terribly sorry, I behaved like a twat; no more wine for me, then I’d be asking them to leave.

UWOT1 · 05/08/2023 09:24

You've been together 2 years. This is the first time his dc is staying over. He should be showing you and dc how wonderful a bended family will be moving forward. Instead he drank, argued and threw nasty comments around. The toxic ex, the drinking, the comments are all red flags. I'd also question his narrative, my ex did everything and shut me out I'd DC life in a lot of cases means I did fuck all and then resented someone else calling the shots. Anyhow, I'd end the relationship now because it's easier to end it before you have to worry about his DC and we'll as your own. If you do move forward I'd keep separate everything until you are 💯 sure it's not going to be a shit show.

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 09:26

I have no time for men who try to manipulate women into only ever having sweet amenable dispositions.

I wonder how toxic the ex really was... Maybe she dared to sometimes express anger and frustration as if they were normal emotions.

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 09:34

He's taken the first opportunity with his child in your home to be toxic.

His child gravitates towards you and your daughter?

That tells a lot.

He is the toxic one, not his ex.

He feels so comfortable being nasty and with a drink in him it spilled out.

You say you are naive?

Then you need to wake up quickly.

Naive women are targets for toxic men and their children have their childhoods destroyed by their mothers poor choices.

He has shown you who he is, that is not to be trusted.

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 09:37

lyralycra · 05/08/2023 08:49

He's trying to shut you down OP. Silencing you so that you become trained to never disagree or question him. He's probably hoping that telling you that you sound like her after he's portrayed her as a toxic person will make you think that you are being unreasonable.
His ex is probably not toxic!

This too.

Definitely trying to shut you down and be controlling by waving the big bad EX about.

He has anxiety and becomes ugly with drink?

Your poor daughter.

Do not have this man in your home again if your priority is your daughter.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 09:39

I think there have been many red flags you have ignored and glossed over, and last night it has all hit you like a tonne of bricks. He is not the man you thought he was.

Get rid of him. Think of your daughter.

Silvered · 05/08/2023 09:44

I'd ask him to leave today. Tell him the sleepover is now cancelled and he need to take himself and his child home. If he objects, tell him this is non-negotiable, that he crossed a line last night and you need time to think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with him.

Then once he's gone, have a long hard think about whether this is what you want for yourself and your child.

SeamsLegit · 05/08/2023 09:47

You have been given a gift of finding this out on the very first sleepover - you CANNOT let that man into your home to ruin your child's life. Or your own, but as a mum i know your daughter will come first. He has shown you who he is, believe him. It will not get better. Basically you are not a match. Being together is meant to be FUN! Safe, secure, loving, respected, supported... PLEASE end this NOW

SnowWhitesSM · 05/08/2023 10:03

Well done for noticing this and not internalising this as your fault. I don't mean to be patronising but these situations can go two ways!

I'd bin him, you'll never be happy and you'll end up as anxious and uptight as he is.

Imagine being so threatened and insecure with your relationship with your own child because they liked playing games with your partners older child and chatting to your partner. This will never change.

This relationship has emotional abuse written all over it. Get out now and find someone emotionally healthy.

Livinghappy · 05/08/2023 10:09

I understood that she was none of those things- all her actions were simply reactions to his terrible, manipulative, disloyal behaviour

Please consider this. After separation from Ex I became aware that with his previous Ex I was only seeing one side of the conflict. It became apparent during our subsequent dealings aa Ex would try to provoke me with texts or emails, which had I responded was to show the new woman how unhinged I was. It sounds bizarre behaviour but smear campaigns are a feature of toxic relationships.

AutumnCrow · 05/08/2023 10:13

OP, the other thing I noticed is that you posted at nearly 1.30am and then again at 6.20am. You've maybe four and a half hours sleep. But the last time you posted at nearly 8.30am he still wasn't up.

You'll be tired today, and I think it's likely most of us will be stuck indoors watching a storm blow through. It would be really good tactics to ask them to go home early because you're really 'not feeling it' or whatever, and tell him you'll talk soon. I think you need space. (And I presume he's actually up by now and has said something to you.)

siucra · 05/08/2023 10:15

I have to also say get him to leave and don't look back. He sounds awful. And if you have a conversation with him, and he makes you agree that you were at least partially to blame before he apologises, or if he tries to turn it back to you or if there is any way he gets you to try and change your behaviour, then you are setting a pattern for an abusive relationship. He doesn't sound very nice, even without the drinking and the name-calling. His poor son - you are obviously nice and the son can see that.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 05/08/2023 10:28

I suppose a difference of parenting styles he is a very anxious parent I am more relaxed which kinda showed when we were in days out etc but has been worse today so we have been bickering about little things.

Yet he’ll happily get drunk on his DS’s first sleepover, knowing there’s a big chance he’ll wake up and need comforting throughout the night.

Its hard to comment on what he said as we don’t know how you were behaving and if you truly were taking over or not.

No relationship is perfect and free of disagreements but it’s how they’re handled that’s important.

The tension before hand is the biggest red flag here and I’d be focusing on that rather than what he said afterwards once he’d had too much alcohol.

Why was there tension?

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 10:30

If you do get rid of him, find a way of ensuring his child knows it's not because he failed some unwritten sleepover test. Toxic parents have a way of implying to their children that their own chaos is the child's fault.

Emmylou22 · 05/08/2023 11:21

It's a very hurtful thing to say. And it sounds like you had a stressful day. Blending families is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. That's not excusing his behaviour btw. It just might mean that's exacerbated things for you both.

If he apologises I'd be minded to move on from it. We've all said things we don't mean in the heat of a row. It's not excusable but if it's a one-off and he didn't mean it, I don't believe it's worth ending the relationship over.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 11:43

Why on earth were you the one sleeping in the spare room? I don't like the sound of this one at all, and to be honest, I would say that he needed to go back to his own place with his child and that the relationship has ended.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/08/2023 11:48

PaintedEgg · 05/08/2023 08:52

you got yourself an instant idiot - all you need to add is alcohol and he's ready!

Seriously though - if his ex was so toxic you better not traumatise this poor soul anymore, being so much like her and giving him flashbacks and stuff. Better send him home as soon as he's awake

Sorry to trivialise what you're going through, but this did make me laugh. Especially using the angle not wanting to traumatise the poor soul.

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