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Original poster

I have to stop my DC seeing a Grandparent they adore, and I feel horrendous

85 replies

ADHDBrainFood · 04/08/2023 20:00

I’m a single parent to a 9yo DC who has ADHD among other things.

Food is a big sticking point for us. DC does not feel the need to eat, they like most foods and don’t have many foods they dislike they just will not eat enough of the mains to get sweet things.

DC has physically lost weight due to refusal to eat so we’re working with a dietician specialist in Eating Disorders with Autism and ADHD whose helping with portion sizes (building up to bigger/correct size). One of the things she’s advised in DCs case is to not offer fruit, chocolate or sweets in the hour before they’re due to eat to hopefully stimulate them to eat. It’s not a reward it’s literally so they eat. If they want sweets or crisps or pudding an hour after they’ve eaten that’s when we offer it.

It was working. DC knew the new rules and was starting to put weight on, I have to be strict about it as I am often tempted myself to have a biscuit or small snack before eating but if DC saw me eating anything like that they’d ask and meltdown to have it. The school and DCs scout group got behind the new rules and really helped. They even started choosing their after meal snack and would set timers on their tablet and/or the alexa we have to know when they could have the snack. They went from eating 1 mouthful of food to eating 3/4s or more (and remember we’re building up to a proper portion for their age at their pace so this is amazing). They were starting to help me choose the meals they wanted to eat and we’d got to a place of positive association with food, we were so close to being discharged!

Last week my parent popped around to see DC. I was called to a meeting at work, and while it wasn’t urgent my parent said they’d take DC out. I reminded them of the rule, and that the meeting would only be an hour and I had food in the oven “don’t worry it’s fine” said my parent and off they went.

Less than 10 minutes later theres pictures on Facebook of DC eating icecream and popcorn.

When I asked my parent about it they just said “I’m sorry I forgot, DC asked for Icecream and I was getting one for myself, I don’t see the harm”.

And now DCs back to refusing to eat. We’ve been set back months and we’re at a crucial time in terms of puberty as we do not need an Eating Disorder on top of DCs SN and puberty.

Dietitian is helping again, but if DC loses too much weight or refuses to eat school have said they will have to say they cannot meet needs on the EHCP, and then I could lose my job. I'm lucky that they're aware I have no holiday childcare so don't usually invite me to meetings in holidays - this wasn't actually urgent it was about a new process, but my manager did say I could of left it.

All over a meeting that my parent encouraged me to do. It’s the final straw really, my parent is constantly undermining me, telling me DC is fine and that I need to chill out about things. I am done. DC adores them, but I am not putting them through this again. Everytime I think I'm making progress with DC my parent comes along and undermines me, tells me to force them to eat everything on their plate or it's what grandparents do - be a bit naughty and my grandparents did it to me - my grandparents always referred back to the parent(s) if my mum or dad said no then we didn't get it. It feels almost like it was delibrate by this parent to prove they know DC better than me (they don't).

OP posts:
Makemineacosmo · 04/08/2023 20:04

Don't feel awful, I'm not sure you can do anything else. If your parent won't support this you have no option really. You are putting your child first, if your parent refuses to do that you still need to do what's right for your DC.

Ellie1015 · 04/08/2023 20:08

I wouldn't leave them unsupervised but of they adore grandparent then they would still see them.

I would be furious that they either forgot or deliberately broke the rule and set dc back.

fierybrunette · 04/08/2023 20:08

Oh this sounds like an awful position to be in. You need to do this right thing for child and if your routines and boundaries for their well-being aren't being followed you have no choice.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 20:10

I'd make it simpler and kinder on your child. They don't get to see their grandparent alone. You have to be present at all times.

ChrisPPancake · 04/08/2023 20:14

That's the sort of shit my in-laws would pull. I don't blame you at all for wanting to cut contact, frustrating is not the word for what happened!

But I think I agree with @saraclara about supervised contact. If you can handle it yourself @ADHDBrainFood !

CurlewKate · 04/08/2023 20:14

What about letting them meet in your house when you're there? Because completely cutting them off would surely be distressing for your child?

Lougle · 04/08/2023 20:15

Just make your visits directly after a meal or well before one. Stopping contact is a huge overreaction.

Original poster
ADHDBrainFood · 04/08/2023 20:15

Because my parent has no qualms about undermining me in front of DC, handing over big bags of sweets or share bars of chocolate without running it by me first, always says "You can have just 1 now" and thats it, DC will only want the sweets.

OP posts:
MillWood85 · 04/08/2023 20:17

One snack shouldn't have undone months of work.

This could have happened anyway - don't make them into the scapegoats.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2023 20:19

MillWood85 · 04/08/2023 20:17

One snack shouldn't have undone months of work.

This could have happened anyway - don't make them into the scapegoats.

How would it have happened anyway?

Who else is undermining the OP and health professionals?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 04/08/2023 20:21

It's the They Know Best mentality.. My mil used to preach to me about breastfeeding.. She never bloody bf her dc!
You and ds do not need them right now.
Your ds needs you.

Clymene · 04/08/2023 20:21

Can you take the parent to a meeting with the dietitian?

ShatteredMum23 · 04/08/2023 20:24

That's the kind of shit my in laws would pull. But ours is we don't want treats, sweets etc due to DD being obese and working with dieticians and school nurses etc.

They still buy them crap. So whatever work we are doing is much slower as a result.

I wish I was as brave as you and said no. Maybe say they cannot see DC unless you are present? x

Melroses · 04/08/2023 20:24

My DPs used to constantly undermine me with DS, who did not have a diagnosis. However they stuck to the rules with DNephew who did and they had to engage with the healthprofessionals and EdPsych, so it might be worth taking one of them along with you.

(Not both together though).

saraclara · 04/08/2023 20:27

Clymene · 04/08/2023 20:21

Can you take the parent to a meeting with the dietitian?

Yep. If she would still offer sweets with you present, then she needs to be told, and have the strategy explained clearly, by a professional.

BungleandGeorge · 04/08/2023 20:29

I think it would be really detrimental to
your child and more about punishing your parent. Just work around it with visits that aren’t at mealtimes or you supervise. There are going to be times when mealtimes don’t run like clockwork, when friends give food to your child, when they buy it themselves or hoard it in their bedroom. Just go back to the rules. I can see it’s detrimental not to have a varied diet but I’m not sure it causing weight loss as chocolate and sweets are highly calorific

Flossiemoss · 04/08/2023 20:31

With the mentality of I know best there is no point putting yourself through the stress of taking parent to a meeting. They won’t listen. If they aren’t listening to op over her child they’ll be arrogant enough not to listen to a nurse or dietitian.

I would definitely have a break from seeing them. There’s too much at stake. Can you distract dc from not seeing dgp for a bit? Say they’re too busy at the moment or something?

the advantage is that your parent may get the message this is too serious for them to pull stunts like this. I’d be fuming with them op.

Mousehoel · 04/08/2023 20:36

Could you have a Big Chat with your parents, basically giving them an ultimatum?
They clearly aren’t taking in the severity of the issue, but how do you think they’d respond if you told them to follow your rules or never again?

WunWun · 04/08/2023 20:40

ADHDBrainFood · 04/08/2023 20:15

Because my parent has no qualms about undermining me in front of DC, handing over big bags of sweets or share bars of chocolate without running it by me first, always says "You can have just 1 now" and thats it, DC will only want the sweets.

Then you say "No you most certainly cannot" and advise grandma that if she does it again you simply won't bring them. Don't get into a discussion about anything further after that. If she goes on then just leave.

Original poster
ADHDBrainFood · 04/08/2023 20:42

For those who don't understand

DCs ADHD/SN masks the feeling of proper hunger, they don't see food in the same way we do, they see it as a chore so will do anything to get out of having proper food. Offering sweets and chocolate fills them up but then they're not getting enough calories so lose weight. They think they've eaten as they've had chocolate etc.

Dietitian had got DC to the point where they knew the rule was "I can have a snack after proper food". For parties I was with DC at all times, and would make them eat sandwiches/sausage rolls/pizza etc. And most parents here don't put the cake and stuff out until after, so DC would have those after they'd eaten proper food knowing it was a one off.

Parent comes in, someone DC knows and trusts, so when they say "You can have icecream" then DCs brain thinks "Oh I'm ok to not eat today" and it sets them back in the recovering from the mindset they'd got into of eating nothing or 1 mouthful to get sweet things.

I was scepticle myself, but it really worked and I was so grateful. They're not fully back to not eating but they're pushing it and melting down wanting sweets because "Grandparent said it was ok".

A break is a good idea for now then I can decide what to do once DC is back at school.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 04/08/2023 20:47

I feel for you op. Ds 14 has ASD and has odd food issues.. Like sneaking into the kitchen at night and eating sugar... And glugging pints of juice that affect his meds (other issue).. We don't supply pop so he visits relatives and steals cans... It's draining.. Your dps are bang out of order.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 04/08/2023 20:48

ADHDBrainFood · 04/08/2023 20:15

Because my parent has no qualms about undermining me in front of DC, handing over big bags of sweets or share bars of chocolate without running it by me first, always says "You can have just 1 now" and thats it, DC will only want the sweets.

If they do that then they have to leave immediately.

MisschiefMaker · 04/08/2023 20:52

You are doing the right thing OP. It's an awful position to be in but they are behaving appallingly.

Imagine if they were sneaking peanuts to an allergic child? You'd freak out. Ok, so the effects aren't as immediately life threatening, but it's still a slow burn of ill health which only you seem to grasp the importance of.

Just be firm with the parents. Don't get into a discussion about it or make it seem like it's up for debate or even like it's a decision that you have made. Make it seem like a decision they have made. If they question it just say "its totally understandable that you aren't able to provide DC with what they need, I know DC is a high needs child, you won't be put in that position again it's not fair on you" then stop the conversation.

Makemineacosmo · 04/08/2023 20:59

OP some people on here will, understandably perhaps, just not understand. I totally get it and I really sympathise as it continually feels like one step forward and five back. There is no room for a 'one won't hurt ' attitude. I get it.

LilyLemonade · 04/08/2023 21:13

Fully agree with you - you have to put your child’s needs first. What is the point of all your efforts if your parent deliberately undermines you.