I have to stop my DC seeing a Grandparent they adore, and I feel horrendous

[ADHDBrainFood]

I’m a single parent to a 9yo DC who has ADHD among other things.

Food is a big sticking point for us. DC does not feel the need to eat, they like most foods and don’t have many foods they dislike they just will not eat enough of the mains to get sweet things.

DC has physically lost weight due to refusal to eat so we’re working with a dietician specialist in Eating Disorders with Autism and ADHD whose helping with portion sizes (building up to bigger/correct size). One of the things she’s advised in DCs case is to not offer fruit, chocolate or sweets in the hour before they’re due to eat to hopefully stimulate them to eat. It’s not a reward it’s literally so they eat. If they want sweets or crisps or pudding an hour after they’ve eaten that’s when we offer it.

It was working. DC knew the new rules and was starting to put weight on, I have to be strict about it as I am often tempted myself to have a biscuit or small snack before eating but if DC saw me eating anything like that they’d ask and meltdown to have it. The school and DCs scout group got behind the new rules and really helped. They even started choosing their after meal snack and would set timers on their tablet and/or the alexa we have to know when they could have the snack. They went from eating 1 mouthful of food to eating 3/4s or more (and remember we’re building up to a proper portion for their age at their pace so this is amazing). They were starting to help me choose the meals they wanted to eat and we’d got to a place of positive association with food, we were so close to being discharged!

Last week my parent popped around to see DC. I was called to a meeting at work, and while it wasn’t urgent my parent said they’d take DC out. I reminded them of the rule, and that the meeting would only be an hour and I had food in the oven “don’t worry it’s fine” said my parent and off they went.

Less than 10 minutes later theres pictures on Facebook of DC eating icecream and popcorn.

When I asked my parent about it they just said “I’m sorry I forgot, DC asked for Icecream and I was getting one for myself, I don’t see the harm”.

And now DCs back to refusing to eat. We’ve been set back months and we’re at a crucial time in terms of puberty as we do not need an Eating Disorder on top of DCs SN and puberty.

Dietitian is helping again, but if DC loses too much weight or refuses to eat school have said they will have to say they cannot meet needs on the EHCP, and then I could lose my job. I'm lucky that they're aware I have no holiday childcare so don't usually invite me to meetings in holidays - this wasn't actually urgent it was about a new process, but my manager did say I could of left it.

All over a meeting that my parent encouraged me to do. It’s the final straw really, my parent is constantly undermining me, telling me DC is fine and that I need to chill out about things. I am done. DC adores them, but I am not putting them through this again. Everytime I think I'm making progress with DC my parent comes along and undermines me, tells me to force them to eat everything on their plate or it's what grandparents do - be a bit naughty and my grandparents did it to me - my grandparents always referred back to the parent(s) if my mum or dad said no then we didn't get it. It feels almost like it was delibrate by this parent to prove they know DC better than me (they don't).

I understand your issues with your parent and have considerable sympathy. I've been in a similarly frustrating situation and I get that you don't need to be undermined. If you can't trust them alone with DC don't facilitate it.

That said,The dietician's rules have considerable potential to backfire and I'm surprised that this is their approach. Have you seen more than one expert OP?

I’m sorry but your parents are not good grand parents 😢😢

Im sure your dc loves them but they are simply not safe to be around him on his own.

Could you restrict visits to afternoons (an hour after lunch) for 1~2 hours so that there is no risk they’ll sabotage things again?

I think it is difficult for those of us not in your position to understand that your DC needs absolute consistency. An ordinary child might be able to have good days and bad days but know the basic message about eating healthily but one deviation from the rules has set your DC back months. I can't imagine how it must feel to watch your DC literally starving themself and regarding 3/4 mouthfuls of food as a triumph. You are obviously working very closely with health professionals. I would like to think that your parent could understand the seriousness but you can't risk them undermining you again. The fact that they agreed to follow your rules and then forgot/decided they didn't matter means you probably need to stop DC seeing them. At least for some time

I would write your parent a letter explaining exactly what the ice-cream has done to your dc. And then telling them that you will not be seeing then till Christmas IF your DCs eating is back on track.

Eating disorders are tough, as any 'different' routine is for SN DC. And many refuse to accept it. Well done for getting your DC on track. And good luck for the future!

@Someoneonlyyouknow i don’t think it’s hard to understand.
My own child, the parent, is telling me things needs to be done a certain way, I trust them and do it.
I don’t wonder if tte child needs absolute consistency. I just follow my own child guidance and ask if I think that maybe I could give them an ice cream whatever.

But tbh, the rule if no food one hour before eating isn’t a new one. Most people would adhere to that anyway because we all know that giving a child an icecream just before a meal will spoil their appetite! I mean I wouldn’t do it myself!

While you are on this journey it's probably best to stay away from any set backs.
They have undone a lot of progress by the sounds of it but hopefully with the consistency and support you had previously you will get back to where you where.

Like heck did she forget. And the posting on Facebook was just rubbing it in.
Even if the child didn’t have a disorder, what kind of person takes a child out when their dinner is cooking, gives them ice cream AND popcorn, and then posts a photo on Facebook?
This was 100% deliberate undermining.

I would be absolutely raging!

I would try not to cut all contact if your DS loves to spend time with her but I would not leave him alone with her.
I’d not visit her home and either have her at yours or meet at a park.

I would tell her exactly why you can’t go to hers and if she carries on ruining his progress then you’ll have no option but to not have DS see her until he’s managed his eating better.

Tell her he can have these sweet treats but it needs to be after his meal.

Do you usually rely on her for childcare?

Because you need to put boundaries in place and you can’t do this if you’re then asking her for favours.

If she carries on offering snacks then you’ll have no option but to cut contact for a while.

Depending on the physical distance between you could you make it so they see each other AFTER meals - and make sure you leave more than one hour before the next meal

So if lunch is at 12, then you arrange to go to their house 1-3, your child has eaten and you said you do allow a snack afterwards if they want one, if you leave at 3 then it's nothing until tea time at 5-6

Of course this doesn't work if you live a distance where you can't do short visits

That's really poor grandparent behaviour. We have also had to work with a paed dietician for a child with SEN, and I know how tricky it can be.

However, like another pp have said, if 1 event - with a different carer to usual - has set you back 'months' then this approach is not working. You cannot expect to have this much control over their food at all times - usually dieticians are also aware of this and have strategies to reflect the need for some flexibility, have you discussed this with them?

I totally get that you must be furious about that and I would be angry too. I am a GP with an ASD granddaughter who has a limited diet but would totally choose ice cream or chocolate over "proper food" so I get why you have to be careful. It is the downright ignoring your wishes that I would have issue with your parent over. Maybe supervised visits only?

I would be absolutely livid. I was going to say that maybe you could meet in the park after your child has eaten, but it sounds as though the grandparent is likely to hand them a bag of sweets there anyway. I think you have to stop contact from now and tell your parent in no uncertain terms exactly why that's happening.

My eldest has ADHD, hence my comment earlier about months of work being undone in one single episode. It's clearly not working if one thing set you back months. When we were under a dietician, we were told the polar opposite about not making any kind of sugar a reward... and especially not for eating food that they perceived to be boring/healthy.

Taking the issue of your parents to one side (and that sounds a whole other can of worms), you perhaps need to find a compromise where you aren't both locking heads over food. It sounds miserable for both of you.

As a GM I can't get my head around why you'd do this to your precious GC.

Honestly OP your parent is unbelievable.

Totally agree

That is very true. As a grandparent, whether you understand/agree or not, it is simply rude to go against the parents' explicit instructions. And you don't give ice cream one hour before a meal, even to a child with no food issues

YANBU. you need 100% consistency for your child to learn to eat properly and one event really can undermine that.

cut out the GP for now and stick to the food routine. if you've done the rules once, you can get back to them.

Are all the people saying the strategy wasn't working if one incident undid all the progress saying the OP is wrong? She described the changes she was seeing. She is trying to get her child to eat more for very serious reasons. Building in sustainability is less important at the moment.

Don't feel bad. The price of one icecream is simply too high - more time with therapists, more meltdowns, you potentially losing your job if school cannot meet DC's needs, DC weight loss, potential ED. It's quite a list and none of those are little things, they Are biggies. Do. Not. Feel bad, or guilty.

The meetings definitely need to be shorter and with you around so you can stay in control.

I had the opposite with one of mine (also Asd/ADHD) when he was food refusing in that offering pudding alongside his main meal did stimulate his appetite but the situation with your DS is clearly not the same.

I would cut contact for a few months, explain why then ask for some space to get your child back on track. Then look at meeting at a park where you can see what is going on. Before the meeting explain that any bags including a handbag must be left in the car. If they give your child anything you will leave and that’s the end of contact.

I was never allowed snacks ever growing up just my 3 meals a day so I've always done the same with my children and never had to encourage them to eat their meals as they're hungry by the time they eat them and that includes my disabled child.
I would have thought that you wouldn't need a dietician to remind you not to give snacks an hour before dinner? Surely that's common sense if your child is refusing to eat their meals.

Obviously there's a thing In your family with snacking that needs to be curtailed and you're right to put your foot down. I would say for the sake of your child you need to remove all the snacks in the house too and only buy them as a treat on the go.

If you don't sort the boundaries out now you are going to have a much worse time when your child becomes a teenager.

I disagree that the child should continue to see the grandparent. This is a person who seems to believe giving the child something they want to give them is more important than the child's actual health and even potentially their life (not melodramatic; dying of eating disorders is most certainly a thing). Or worse, they'd rather score a point over their adult child than consider the grandchild's health. They may even have pushed OP to attend the meeting on purpose so they could manufacture the opportunity. And they hand over sweets in front of the parent who continuously asks them not to. In short, it doesn't sound like a loving grandparent who just doesn't "get it" and truly believes the parent is being fussy for the sake of it. They're playing vicious games and the end result could be making their - presumably loved? - grandchild very ill.

This is not someone it's safe to meet at this tricky stage. Can they Skype/Facetime or whatever, for a few months at least? Then if they appear in front of the screen with a big bowl of ice cream or some such hilarious joke the screen goes off and that's their lot.

What we're saying is that if months of work can be undone with one snack, then no, it's not working. If it was weeks that would be different, but with a child of 9 at a mainstream school, this level of control and restriction should not even be a mid-term solution. It's likely only worked to date due to being a single parent with 1 child - it does also seem like a very very controlled approach, and the opposite of any kind of intuitive eating, having worked with multiple dietitians over time for my own SEN child I am surprised by this, and wonder how much this obsessive home focus on food could ultimately be counterproductive.

A grandparent who constantly undermines is also not sustainable and a separate issue, I understand why OP doesn't feel she can continue if it's ongoing. That's separate from the issue of having a dietary regime for a child that can't allow for one error.