I’m a single parent to a 9yo DC who has ADHD among other things.
Food is a big sticking point for us. DC does not feel the need to eat, they like most foods and don’t have many foods they dislike they just will not eat enough of the mains to get sweet things.
DC has physically lost weight due to refusal to eat so we’re working with a dietician specialist in Eating Disorders with Autism and ADHD whose helping with portion sizes (building up to bigger/correct size). One of the things she’s advised in DCs case is to not offer fruit, chocolate or sweets in the hour before they’re due to eat to hopefully stimulate them to eat. It’s not a reward it’s literally so they eat. If they want sweets or crisps or pudding an hour after they’ve eaten that’s when we offer it.
It was working. DC knew the new rules and was starting to put weight on, I have to be strict about it as I am often tempted myself to have a biscuit or small snack before eating but if DC saw me eating anything like that they’d ask and meltdown to have it. The school and DCs scout group got behind the new rules and really helped. They even started choosing their after meal snack and would set timers on their tablet and/or the alexa we have to know when they could have the snack. They went from eating 1 mouthful of food to eating 3/4s or more (and remember we’re building up to a proper portion for their age at their pace so this is amazing). They were starting to help me choose the meals they wanted to eat and we’d got to a place of positive association with food, we were so close to being discharged!
Last week my parent popped around to see DC. I was called to a meeting at work, and while it wasn’t urgent my parent said they’d take DC out. I reminded them of the rule, and that the meeting would only be an hour and I had food in the oven “don’t worry it’s fine” said my parent and off they went.
Less than 10 minutes later theres pictures on Facebook of DC eating icecream and popcorn.
When I asked my parent about it they just said “I’m sorry I forgot, DC asked for Icecream and I was getting one for myself, I don’t see the harm”.
And now DCs back to refusing to eat. We’ve been set back months and we’re at a crucial time in terms of puberty as we do not need an Eating Disorder on top of DCs SN and puberty.
Dietitian is helping again, but if DC loses too much weight or refuses to eat school have said they will have to say they cannot meet needs on the EHCP, and then I could lose my job. I'm lucky that they're aware I have no holiday childcare so don't usually invite me to meetings in holidays - this wasn't actually urgent it was about a new process, but my manager did say I could of left it.
All over a meeting that my parent encouraged me to do. It’s the final straw really, my parent is constantly undermining me, telling me DC is fine and that I need to chill out about things. I am done. DC adores them, but I am not putting them through this again. Everytime I think I'm making progress with DC my parent comes along and undermines me, tells me to force them to eat everything on their plate or it's what grandparents do - be a bit naughty and my grandparents did it to me - my grandparents always referred back to the parent(s) if my mum or dad said no then we didn't get it. It feels almost like it was delibrate by this parent to prove they know DC better than me (they don't).