I have to stop my DC seeing a Grandparent they adore, and I feel horrendous

[ADHDBrainFood]

I’m a single parent to a 9yo DC who has ADHD among other things.

Food is a big sticking point for us. DC does not feel the need to eat, they like most foods and don’t have many foods they dislike they just will not eat enough of the mains to get sweet things.

DC has physically lost weight due to refusal to eat so we’re working with a dietician specialist in Eating Disorders with Autism and ADHD whose helping with portion sizes (building up to bigger/correct size). One of the things she’s advised in DCs case is to not offer fruit, chocolate or sweets in the hour before they’re due to eat to hopefully stimulate them to eat. It’s not a reward it’s literally so they eat. If they want sweets or crisps or pudding an hour after they’ve eaten that’s when we offer it.

It was working. DC knew the new rules and was starting to put weight on, I have to be strict about it as I am often tempted myself to have a biscuit or small snack before eating but if DC saw me eating anything like that they’d ask and meltdown to have it. The school and DCs scout group got behind the new rules and really helped. They even started choosing their after meal snack and would set timers on their tablet and/or the alexa we have to know when they could have the snack. They went from eating 1 mouthful of food to eating 3/4s or more (and remember we’re building up to a proper portion for their age at their pace so this is amazing). They were starting to help me choose the meals they wanted to eat and we’d got to a place of positive association with food, we were so close to being discharged!

Last week my parent popped around to see DC. I was called to a meeting at work, and while it wasn’t urgent my parent said they’d take DC out. I reminded them of the rule, and that the meeting would only be an hour and I had food in the oven “don’t worry it’s fine” said my parent and off they went.

Less than 10 minutes later theres pictures on Facebook of DC eating icecream and popcorn.

When I asked my parent about it they just said “I’m sorry I forgot, DC asked for Icecream and I was getting one for myself, I don’t see the harm”.

And now DCs back to refusing to eat. We’ve been set back months and we’re at a crucial time in terms of puberty as we do not need an Eating Disorder on top of DCs SN and puberty.

Dietitian is helping again, but if DC loses too much weight or refuses to eat school have said they will have to say they cannot meet needs on the EHCP, and then I could lose my job. I'm lucky that they're aware I have no holiday childcare so don't usually invite me to meetings in holidays - this wasn't actually urgent it was about a new process, but my manager did say I could of left it.

All over a meeting that my parent encouraged me to do. It’s the final straw really, my parent is constantly undermining me, telling me DC is fine and that I need to chill out about things. I am done. DC adores them, but I am not putting them through this again. Everytime I think I'm making progress with DC my parent comes along and undermines me, tells me to force them to eat everything on their plate or it's what grandparents do - be a bit naughty and my grandparents did it to me - my grandparents always referred back to the parent(s) if my mum or dad said no then we didn't get it. It feels almost like it was delibrate by this parent to prove they know DC better than me (they don't).

As an Addie to the fact clearly you're parents can't be trusted alone with your child.

Have you had the dietician explore why they find a mouthful of pasta a chore yet will eat a whole ice cream and popcorn? Clearly they don't limit themselves to a mouthful of sweet stuff?

I'm wondering if there's some sensory behaviours involved in the eating? Maybe worthwhile asking about seeing an OT with specialism in this area?

Other than that you are doing great sticking to it - it's so hard to stick day in and day out to things because you know one little "rule break" creates weeks of hard work.

(My ds has autism)

Love is very important so tread slowly here
who knows what the future brings

maybe new rules which is not at mealtimes or not without you ?

totally get your position and stance

but go slowly and measured
a break and pause better than anything dramatic

How does your child manage at school, does he eat properly there?

I am also surprised that a dietician suggested this approach. It's sensible to allow a decent gap before meals so that hunger is triggered. However, the concept that sweet things are allowed as a reward for eating dinner (which essentially is what's happening here) is quite outdated.

When DD1 (ASD & LD) was in the grips of her eating disorder and hospitalised, all food was seen as good food. I spent months making super high calorie pancakes for breakfast, chocolate croissants, smoothies with double cream and ice-cream. Anything that she would tolerate to increase her weight. Massively calorie dense food so that she didn't have to eat big volumes. I used to get 1500 calories into 3 pancakes in the morning, so I knew that if she didn't eat everything the rest of the day, I didn't have to worry too much.

The time for balanced diet came, but initially, why fight over a tablespoon of carrots with about 30 calories, when I knew she'd eat a chocolate croissant that was 300 calories and contained butter, which is essential for brain repair?

It wasn't helpful for your parent to undermine your parenting. However, you are effectively telling your DS that food is more important than a loving relationship. That can't be right.

Is DGP overweight? It sounds as if there may be generational eating disorders going on, I notice that you struggle not to have a ‘snack’ before a main meal. If you are hungry, couldn’t you bring the main meal forward?

This isn’t just a passing observation, OP. The handing over sweets in front of you contrary to agreement is bizarrely inappropriate, and seems to indicate that your parent has serious issues with food themselves. They either associate sweet foods with ‘love’ and ‘reward’ or they think ( from experience with dieting) that these foods will ‘ put weight on’ .

If this is correct, there doesn’t seem much point in struggling on with the contact; they are going to undermine you and ‘break the rules’ because this is not rational behaviour , it is emotionally and psychologically driven.

BTW, do you think that maybe your child ‘adoration’ of the GP is linked to these forbidden treats?

No. This is elevating her to 'parent' status. OP's DM has been told by OP but decided she knows better. OP doesn't have to run to a grown-up (the doctor) for confirmation.

I am relieved to see this post.

Can't believe the amount of people here who seem to think it's controlling and unsustainable to not allow a 9 year old to eat ice cream right before a meal.

It explains a lot about the health of the nation I suppose.

Go with your gut. Your child's health and education, and keeping your job, are way more important than placating a grown adult playing games.

Your parent has no respect for you or your child's needs. They don't love them, or you, very much to act in this way.

I mean, I don't entirely agree with either my sister's or inlaws' approach to parenting but I would never undermine it! Because I love them and they're not my kids.

I have a 10 year old with ADHD who also doesn't have much sense of hunger but fortunately is a healthy weight, but we have other issues and I'd be incandescent if a family member intentionally set us back.

What I can’t understand is if your DS is asking for snack food before a meal, why not just give them their meal? Why make them wait for an hour?
It sounds like the issues around eating are being magnified by such rigid rules. I have known children with ASD who eat nothing but beige foods that can hardly be considered healthy. But at least they’re eating, gaining weigh and not facing trauma at every mealtime.

Don’t make things worse for your son just to punish your mum. Go to see her after meals, then if she gives him a treat it’s still within the rules.

I completely agree!

But tbh, the rule if no food one hour before eating isn’t a new one. Most people would adhere to that anyway because we all know that giving a child an icecream just before a meal will spoil their appetite! I mean I wouldn’t do it myself!

This. Most parents don't give sweet food when it's close to mealtimes. I'm surprised that your parents think this is ok.

Restricting visits to after meals seems the best approach.

It is not a "loving relationship" if the GP is this idiotic about a serious medical issue.

Being told by op should be enough! I would be going super low contact too. Op is not being respected and that is a massive problem.

I wouldn't feel bad. I'd go full no contact. Yeet that fucker out your lives for good.

It should, but for the sake of the child who lives their grandma, I'd be trying this first.

If she still doesn't comply, then OP had a far stronger case to say "if you're defying a professional who has explained to you exactly why the protocol has to be followed, then I give up"

Loves, not lives. Obv.

Putting your parent aside for a minute, I have a child with autism and even she knows she does NOT get sweet stuff until after she eats her dinner. If she doesn't eat at least half of it, she gets no pudding. Why are you allowing them any sweet treats if they're not eating enough of their mains? If they're not allowed to have it then they can’t fill up on it!

Like the dietician tried to say - let them get hungry!

I see no reason to stop the child seeing their grandparent. Just stay in the room or see them after a meal. The grandparent won't change their ways so I wouldn't bother debating it, just don't rely on them to impose your rules.

For those saying I'm using sweets as a reward, I'm not!

DC gets the snack after meals whether they've eaten nothing, 1 mouthful or the whole plate, it's literally that they will eat that instead of a meal given the chance, and they then lost weight because of it.

They do not ask for snacks, they don't feel hungry but if they see the snacks they want it. Thats when we get the issues, because they meltdown and refuse to eat an actual meal if they know snacks are on offer.

It's not supposed to be sustainable long term, it's a quick fix to get their weight up and then you change things as needed with the rule in place. So if we go to a resturant or a party the rule can be "You can have a cake/pudding after you've had some food" but if you don't teach the child to eat proper food first they think desert is all they get. I am a single parent, and struggled with the meltdowns, and my parent undermining me just doesn't help.

Thank you though, it's been helpful to see everyones responses even those that think I should stay in contact with them. I still haven't made a final decision.

OP, have you had disordered eating in the past?Has the grandparent who is doing this undermining? Is this very rigid approach being specifically recommended by the specialists or is it the way you've implemented it?

Like others, I think that the GP is being unkind, but am also a bit concerned that the very rigid approach, and the black and white thinking of months being 'ruined' by a single meal, sounds much more like the rigid thinking of my own (neurodiverse, ED) child than any professional dietitian or paediatrician we've ever worked with.

If the GP is adored and adoring, and can see them outside of meals, I agree with the pp that cutting them off is telling your DC that food control is more important than loving relationship.

This all sounds like how to create an eating disorder in a young child, not avoid one.

The approach the OP has been told to follow is not dissimilar to the approach my anorexic friend followed to get weight back on (successfully).

I really sympathise with you . My grandson has some food issues and it’s hard work . I don’t totally agree with how it’s being handled but go along with it and mainly try not to make it an issue at all . I just act as if it’s normal . Which is hard when he will know the difference between spagetti and linguine and eat a bowl full with absolutely nothing on it . Just plain . Won’t eat bread rolls but will eat hot dog rolls . Shrug 🤷‍♀️

Posting it on Facebook was very deliberate. ‘Look what I’ve done even though I know I shouldn’t’. Awful behaviour.