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Original poster

Anyone else's husband need to "rest" after working all day?

100 replies

GG1986 · 04/08/2023 17:55

Because mine does! He works from home full time 9.30-5 and tells me he needs to rest/close his eyes after working?? I don't do this, I come home from work(never wfh) and I sort tea, sort kids etc. Just a rant really and to see if I'm the only one who has this shit!!

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 04/08/2023 17:58

I had an Ex like that. I also worked Full time so couldn’t rest because DC needed to be cared for. DC doesn’t bother much with his father now.

redskytwonight · 04/08/2023 17:59

I find wfh harder than working out of the house for this reason - you don't get any "decompression" time between finishing work and getting embroiled in household activities. If you're WOH you can use your journey to do this.

So I think a brief interlude of maybe 15-30 minutes is reasonable. If he's claiming he is too tired to do anything after work he's either ill or taking the p*ss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2023 17:59

Absolutely not. They’re his kids as much as mine, he comes straight downstairs and pitches in with everything. Yours is taking the piss.

HarrietJet · 04/08/2023 18:00

GG1986 · 04/08/2023 17:55

Because mine does! He works from home full time 9.30-5 and tells me he needs to rest/close his eyes after working?? I don't do this, I come home from work(never wfh) and I sort tea, sort kids etc. Just a rant really and to see if I'm the only one who has this shit!!

9.30 to 5 without any commute time isn't even properly full time...
Lazy sod!

Popskipiekin · 04/08/2023 18:01

Well, I’d do this myself if I could get away with it!
DH does tend to want to “decompress” after coming home, sit at the table and have a snack, and I let this happen if things are chill and under control, but if not then I state clearly that he needs to go do bath / homework with the kids / dish out supper or whatever. Definitely not indulging idleness if there’s stuff to be getting on with.
Tell him clearly what needs to be done and make it evident that you will only do 50% and the rest is on him.

DustyLee123 · 04/08/2023 18:01

This was my DH. He never cooked tea or put a wash on when he came home. He used to work away for a week, so he’d sleep through every night, unlike me. He’s still lazy now.

AliceOlive · 04/08/2023 18:01

I need a rest after working and a little time to switch gears mentally. My job is hard on my eyes and my brain. But my DH never sits down so I feel like have to keep moving myself until he stops.

We don’t have young children though.

Is he not doing his share generally?

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 18:02

I'm not a husband, nor do I have one, but I always need to rest when I get home from work.

Globules · 04/08/2023 18:02

XH used to sit in the car outside the house for 20-30 mins after his drive home from work. He said he needed it to brace himself for being dad for the evening.

So I started taking 20-30 mins to myself in the bedroom every evening when he walked through the door and it was time for their bedtime routine to begin.

AliceOlive · 04/08/2023 18:03

Globules · 04/08/2023 18:02

XH used to sit in the car outside the house for 20-30 mins after his drive home from work. He said he needed it to brace himself for being dad for the evening.

So I started taking 20-30 mins to myself in the bedroom every evening when he walked through the door and it was time for their bedtime routine to begin.

That seems healthy on both counts. Did it work out ok?

CrapBucket · 04/08/2023 18:03

On WFH days I find it hard to go straight from work to parenting.

RagzRebooted · 04/08/2023 18:05

When I worked full time and DH was self employed or when he was off work long term sick, I'd come home and chill upstairs for 30 minutes or so until dinner was done. I loved that unwinding time! He never once complained.
Now he's back at work and doing more hours than me, so he gets 30 minutes or so to sit quietly and decompress after work and I don't expect him to chat or contribute during this time.
Whoever gets home first does dinner, usually me these days. But he'll do the evening taxi runs for the teens as he knows I like to get my pyjamas on and switch off after dinner.
It's about team work and giving each other what they need.

pimplebum · 04/08/2023 18:05

It needs to be a negotiation doesn't it ? Not him assuming he can just do this without a conversation with you and also taking your needs into account

Suggestions
Leave him as he is selfish sexist prick who will only get worse

Suggest you take it in turns to have decompression time ie you go swimming/ see a friend/ go for walk / whatever one day and he does it the next problem is 5 day week and you need to keep to Rita

Decompress and copy him as see what he does - just say yeah me too babes and close your eyes

JaninaDuszejko · 04/08/2023 18:05

I need a rest when I come home from work, I get up early to exercise and my work is quite full on. DH gets up a couple of hours after me and then falls asleep on the sofa after dinner then wakes up, does some work and doesn't come to bed till after midnight. We have different body clocks.

BarleySugars · 04/08/2023 18:08

I need rest, i'm generally up at 5am, work from home full time, do 90% of the housework and 99% of childcare, also looking after pets and renovating a house and working on side hustles - i have at least one power nap a day, if i dont get it on my lunch break id be a zombie at 5pm and you'd struggle to keep me awake!

ParisP · 04/08/2023 18:10

He should get some blood tests

HotIce · 04/08/2023 18:15

If you’re on FB, lookup a group called ‘Bridging the Gap’. It’s about the huge gap between the labour contributions of men and women and ways you can talk about and bring about change (although that largely depends on if your H is willing to engage - depressingly few men seem to be).

TheyJustDontFit · 04/08/2023 18:41

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TheUsualChaos · 04/08/2023 18:46

Not necessarily unreasonable that he feels he needs a bit of time to switch off after work, we all feel like that! But it is unreasonable if you don't also get the same privilege. If you both work full time then surely you need to share things equally. This could either be done in such a way that you each get a couple of days a week where you get to chill after work while the other sorts out children, dinner etc.
Or, and this would be my preference, you do things together because you both work hard and are both parents equally.

Is he the higher earner by any chance? See it all the time on here where the husband seems his time off as more necessary because he earns more.

TwilightSkies · 04/08/2023 18:48

You aren’t the only who puts up with shit like that. What if you wanted a rest at that time? Who would feed the kids/homework/laundry/whatever else? It’s needs to be an agreement, and clearly it isn’t.

Lkahsvtv · 04/08/2023 18:48

This would be my preference and pre children we did; now with DC it’s not that simple and DH accepts that too

Indigotree · 04/08/2023 18:50

I desperately need to lie down or rest for at least half an hour after coming home and I don't work full time.
However, it's not ok to be doing all the resting while the other does the domestic stuff!

Elsiebear90 · 04/08/2023 18:51

BarleySugars · 04/08/2023 18:08

I need rest, i'm generally up at 5am, work from home full time, do 90% of the housework and 99% of childcare, also looking after pets and renovating a house and working on side hustles - i have at least one power nap a day, if i dont get it on my lunch break id be a zombie at 5pm and you'd struggle to keep me awake!

Do you have a DH/partner? I’m just wondering why if you do you put up with this (no offence, genuinely curious!).

violetcuriosity · 04/08/2023 18:53

Mine works on construction sites digging trenches and laying deep pipes all day, often digging frozen ground and comes straight in has a shower and is rolling around on the floor with the kids within 15 mins!

cruffinsmuffin · 04/08/2023 18:59

I think when I wfh I do need "reset" time between finishing at my laptop in my upstairs office and resuming real life. Other wise it's tough to maintain a healthy work life balance.

What's your commuting like? Is it a drive + collecting DC? My DH says his commute is his reset time between work and home, helps keep things separate.

Is there any scope to start work earlier and finish earlier for him? Then he can decompress but is back to it helping prep tea / bedtime when the rest of the family is about.