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Original poster

Anyone else's husband need to "rest" after working all day?

100 replies

GG1986 · 04/08/2023 17:55

Because mine does! He works from home full time 9.30-5 and tells me he needs to rest/close his eyes after working?? I don't do this, I come home from work(never wfh) and I sort tea, sort kids etc. Just a rant really and to see if I'm the only one who has this shit!!

OP posts:
saraclara · 04/08/2023 20:23

violetcuriosity · 04/08/2023 18:53

Mine works on construction sites digging trenches and laying deep pipes all day, often digging frozen ground and comes straight in has a shower and is rolling around on the floor with the kids within 15 mins!

But he's had his decompression time on the way home. WFH doesn't allow that.

I found my commute in the morning to be a pain. But the 40 minute drive home was a bonus. It allowed my brain to change gear, and by the time I was home I was tuned into family life and ready to go.

I don't think I could have walked out of my work and a minute later been ready to be full on mum.

Twattergy · 04/08/2023 20:31

I'd politely suggest he considers taking his rest at lunch time or in the earlier afternoon or lets you have that 'rest slot' considering you don't have the flexibility that he does. I wfh but the best time to rest is sometime between 1 and 4 not at the end of the day.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 20:43

Twattergy · 04/08/2023 20:31

I'd politely suggest he considers taking his rest at lunch time or in the earlier afternoon or lets you have that 'rest slot' considering you don't have the flexibility that he does. I wfh but the best time to rest is sometime between 1 and 4 not at the end of the day.

You've clearly not read all the posts talking about re-setting. It's not about rest as such, it's about the transition from work too full on family life. We didn't even think about it before WFH, because the commute did it without us realising. But going from intense work work, to family work, is really tricky.

If I was working from home now, with a family, I'd need a ten minute walk or something after shutting my laptop, just to clear my head and make that transition.
Of course I'd recognised that my other half would need some similar alone time at another point, and facilitate that.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/08/2023 21:39

He’s a lazy twat who’s trying to check out of life.

BatheInTheLight · 04/08/2023 21:43

GG1986 · 04/08/2023 17:55

Because mine does! He works from home full time 9.30-5 and tells me he needs to rest/close his eyes after working?? I don't do this, I come home from work(never wfh) and I sort tea, sort kids etc. Just a rant really and to see if I'm the only one who has this shit!!

Man's feedback here :-) I don't get any 'rest' until my children are asleep (tonight that was ten minutes ago). I'd only ever disappear for a rest if I was completely wiped out, sick for example. Once in a blue moon I might have slept bad and I just need a half hour, but we're talking very infrequently here, like a couple of times a year. Other than that, it's muck in, get everything done together and split the load. I usually finish work and get started on the dinner ... That's my self-titled 'rest' as she minds the children who are harder work!

ShatnerzBassoon · 04/08/2023 21:43

Not sure this is any worse than stay at home mums who insist on giving their DH the baby as soon as they get home as they need a rest. I mean this in the sense that it’s quite reasonable for both partners to want a rest after a days work/child care. So whilst it’s not unreasonable for him to want a rest, it’s unreasonable to expect to get it more than half the time.

BatheInTheLight · 04/08/2023 21:47

Globules · 04/08/2023 18:02

XH used to sit in the car outside the house for 20-30 mins after his drive home from work. He said he needed it to brace himself for being dad for the evening.

So I started taking 20-30 mins to myself in the bedroom every evening when he walked through the door and it was time for their bedtime routine to begin.

Surprised the drive home didn't 'brace him '. I'm always really keen to fly in the door to greet my 3 and 7 year olds after the drive home from the office twice a week. Can't imagine getting home and hanging out in the car! Did they not see him out there?! What's Daddy doing?! He has to prepare himself for dealing with you! 😆

QuinnofHearts · 04/08/2023 21:54

My husband does this! I've been awake since 5am with the god awful children and he's napping on the sofa at 6pm. Makes my blood fizzy.

Even when I'm not on maternity leave I don't pissing come home and nap!

NooNaNa · 04/08/2023 21:58

If you can't beat him...

Suggest a one hour decompression each every evening.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 22:03

Not sure this is any worse than stay at home mums who insist on giving their DH the baby as soon as they get home as they need a rest.

That's a fair point. And I definitely did that!

Original poster
GG1986 · 04/08/2023 22:11

Thank you all. Didn't expect so many replies! I work part time 3 or 4 days a week, on my feet pretty much all day so exhausted by the time i get home. Car journey is approx 25 mins and some days I have to go and collect the kids as well. I would never come home and go straight upstairs to rest for an hour, I come home and it's go go go!

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/08/2023 22:54

Yes he does. And I do too.

Him because he works 10 hour physical shifts and me because I'm barely sleeping at the moment so nap all the frigging time.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 23:24

GG1986 · 04/08/2023 22:11

Thank you all. Didn't expect so many replies! I work part time 3 or 4 days a week, on my feet pretty much all day so exhausted by the time i get home. Car journey is approx 25 mins and some days I have to go and collect the kids as well. I would never come home and go straight upstairs to rest for an hour, I come home and it's go go go!

Again, the 25 minute drive is your reset. Whether you realise it or not.

It's not about being physically tired, it's about getting your head free of work and reset into family mode. Your commute home does that. It's your bit of time to yourself between the party of the day dictated by your boss, and the party of the day dictated by your family.

Your DH works from home so he doesn't get that 'tune out and tune in again' gap between work and family.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 23:25

Party? Part.

I hate autocorrect

ShatnerzBassoon · 05/08/2023 00:05

TheUsualChaos · 04/08/2023 18:46

Not necessarily unreasonable that he feels he needs a bit of time to switch off after work, we all feel like that! But it is unreasonable if you don't also get the same privilege. If you both work full time then surely you need to share things equally. This could either be done in such a way that you each get a couple of days a week where you get to chill after work while the other sorts out children, dinner etc.
Or, and this would be my preference, you do things together because you both work hard and are both parents equally.

Is he the higher earner by any chance? See it all the time on here where the husband seems his time off as more necessary because he earns more.

Is he the higher earner by any chance? See it all the time on here where the husband seems his time off as more necessary because he earns more

I think there could be an interesting debate on whether there is a defence of the higher earner having more time off. I guess the angles would be that they likely have a more stressful job and also it’s a bit like if you take it in turns to clean the bathroom and one of you has the ability to do it twice as quick as the other but to the same standard, would it then be okay for them to chill with the saved time (rather than taking on an extra task and doing more than fifty fifty)?

I’m the lower earner so fifty fifty sounds good to me 😄

MumGMT · 05/08/2023 00:30

BLT24 · 04/08/2023 20:17

Rest is absolutely essential to our wellbeing. Unfortunately we live in this toxic capitalist culture where rest is frowned upon. Can you make any changes so that you can both rest before the evening chores start? Something seriously not right if you can’t take time to rest after work.

What do you mean something seriously is not right if you can't take time to rest after work?
The 'something seriously not right' is often that there are kids to be minded and fed etc after work. It's family life, not something that's gone wrong.

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 00:34

I wouldn't have children with someone that expected me to care for the house and children AND work AND pay half the bills.

Your husband needs to step up unless he can pull his finger out and start providing for the family.

DrDaedalus · 05/08/2023 00:36

Sounds like your husband is opting out at the busiest time of the day. He needs to pitch in with dinner and sorting DC.

Grimsknee · 05/08/2023 03:58

If it's about creating a transition between work and home, the solution isn't resting at home. Its him going out for a half hour walk or drive ir cycle for a reset, and coming back ready to do his bit on the second shift just like the op after her commute.

Codlingmoths · 05/08/2023 04:23

you should definitely walk in, tell him he’s in charge, dinner and bath only take an hour so that’s on him (if true, i jsut mean communicate what should be done) and take an hour once a week. Gives him a bit of appreciation for your support.

BananaSpanner · 05/08/2023 04:42

saraclara · 04/08/2023 23:24

Again, the 25 minute drive is your reset. Whether you realise it or not.

It's not about being physically tired, it's about getting your head free of work and reset into family mode. Your commute home does that. It's your bit of time to yourself between the party of the day dictated by your boss, and the party of the day dictated by your family.

Your DH works from home so he doesn't get that 'tune out and tune in again' gap between work and family.

Show quote history

What a load of BS. A car commute home through rush hour traffic with a child collection on route is more likely to ramp up the stress levels than decrease them. OP would be just as in need of a break when she gets in but they can’t both have one so she just gets on with it. Ideally yes everyone would have a little chill but not always possible when there are dc that need attending to. He’s putting his needs first, she’s putting those of her family first.

They need to work out a system where they both get this break.

MumGMT · 05/08/2023 04:43

saraclara · 04/08/2023 23:24

Again, the 25 minute drive is your reset. Whether you realise it or not.

It's not about being physically tired, it's about getting your head free of work and reset into family mode. Your commute home does that. It's your bit of time to yourself between the party of the day dictated by your boss, and the party of the day dictated by your family.

Your DH works from home so he doesn't get that 'tune out and tune in again' gap between work and family.

Show quote history

That's not necessarily true for everyone. What works as a 'reset' for one isn't necessarily true for all. Peoples brains work in different ways.

Some people think or stress about work on their commute home so they're not getting their heads free of it.

So it can't be compared with getting to just chill out and close your eyes or have a nap.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/08/2023 05:26

It sounds very selfish if he hasn’t discussed with you when you get the opportunity to rest. I assume if he doesn’t start till 9.30 then he does all the morning routine.

BLT24 · 05/08/2023 05:28

MumGMT · 05/08/2023 00:30

What do you mean something seriously is not right if you can't take time to rest after work?
The 'something seriously not right' is often that there are kids to be minded and fed etc after work. It's family life, not something that's gone wrong.

Show quote history

One option would be for each parent to take it in turns to have a short rest each before the evening chores/childcare start.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 05:32

No DH doesn't do this ever. But how long are these "rests"? If you are talking half and hour, I would be tempted to sit down and have a cup of tea at the same time (as it bothers you). Hours and I would be having serious words about balancing the load.