Anyone else's husband need to "rest" after working all day?

[GG1986]

Because mine does! He works from home full time 9.30-5 and tells me he needs to rest/close his eyes after working?? I don't do this, I come home from work(never wfh) and I sort tea, sort kids etc. Just a rant really and to see if I'm the only one who has this shit!!

I run a business and often work 12 hour days. When I come home, I need at least 30 mins to decompress where noone talks to me (I am talking and sorting out problems all day). However, I still do my share of the domestic chores/make dinner whilst H does other stuff for the kids etc That is NOT an excuse to just offload everything on to someone else- thats pure laziness, not needing a break

Sorry, I re-read your post again and had missed your sentence before you said something is seriously not right, where you asked "Can you make any changes so that you can both rest before the evening chores start?".

I thought your post was basically saying to let the poor man rest because he obviously needed it and there must be something seriously not right if the OP couldn't let him 😂

I missed that it you said it was for an hour OP, but still would be tempted to down tools if that's feasible or tell him you will have your hour off later

I think without knowing tbe role or more importantly the level of stress it's impossible to know whether someone needs to decompress or not.

My husband has an incredibly intense day, outcomes from the day are not always good and he often does need time to just end that and start tbe evening with us.

I rarely feel that level of stress in my day even though I run my business and bring in a similar income my day is smoother.

If he feels he needs it and you are quite happy getting on with it straight from work then why not do that. As long as its reciprocated for you to have a break when you want one.

I do this myself sometimes (DH has the kids most days). I just find I need 15 minutes to decompress after the high stress and problem solving at work. Often the commute calms me down, I take it slow and listen to a podcast. I found during March and April I was heading upstairs daily to rest as I was under so much pressure at work, I did find it hard to then wean myself off doing that.

But I wonder if your DH has now got into this habitat and it would be difficult for him to just stop doing it, would need to be a gradual decrease, finding another way to decompress.

You mean rest 30 minutes or him fucking off for the rest of the night while you do everything?

Does he do the morning routine?

An hour

This! My commute home and collecting my kids is not reset time at all. I do this and then get in and still don't sit down.

I get the kids ready for school, he does the drop off.

Usually 1 hour.

My DH is a bit like this. Sometimes needs the day before he starts work off too. Works 4 on 4 off, and can't do anything on his first day off as he is tired from the 4 days in a row, and needs the day before to 'rest' too. Can be very annoying. I tend to book/arrange something and say 'well I and going, you can please yourself whether you come or not.' He always comes because FOMO, and then enjoys it anyway!

He was like your DH when the kids were little too @GG1986 so I ended up doing 90% of everything. Didn't see it at the time but I can now.

Not my husband but me
I wfh. Finish at 4pm
Go straight to bed for an hour nap.
I am absolutely shattered
Husband gets the children from camp and starts the dinner
I couldn't function without a snooze

I often need a reset break after a day wfh. Single parent and I found I was pushing back from my desk then immediately launching into the second shift which felt utterly brutal.

Now DD is older I tell her I'm having 30 minutes to myself before I start again and it's so much better.

See if you can work something out so you both get a little time -30 minutes each perhaps rather than he has an hour and you have none. Set an alarm.

Mine is up at 5 to work out for 90 minutes each morning (body weight yoga stuff) then goes to work outside all day, hugely physical. He comes home at lunchtime and does a wash, then comes home for a 45 minute stretch/meditate before we get on with dinner or going out to see family or whatever. I prob do 70% of dinner cooking but he does more than his fair share of everything else.
He sleeps when he goes to bed which we both do around 10pm.
So no, not lazy!
only got adult kids though

Yes. DH usually has back to back meetings for most of the day and then by the time he’s free, just doesn’t feel like talking.

I sometimes have a rest after work for half an hour before sorting dinner. But that’s because my son is older now and can sort the washing up if needed or start dinner and i’ll take over (since he’s either home at 3.30 or on summer holidays this is fine!). When he was younger - nope I worked, closed the laptop / commuted home and straight to it with dinner then spending time together, housework bath and bed and i’d stop at about 9pm, up at 7am for before school/work etc getting ready / school run.

Basically a rest and a nap is lovely after a shattering day at work. But it’s not fair when youre picking up the slack parenting and mealtime wise. I agree with the suggestion about alternating maybe?

Or - can’t see that you have mentioned after dinner - does he at least do bedtimes and clean up after dinner etc so you can rest and have your hour? Or is that you as well?

It's about team work, understanding and negotiation, surely. If he needs time after work to switch gears, which he would presumably do on a commute if he were at an office, then surely there's a way to factor it in along with what you need as well.

DH knows I value a bit of time after a day being screamed at by Tiny Hitler who's just hit the wall of terrible 2s spectacularly, so he finishes work and whips DS out for a little bit to give me my ears chance to recover, before we start tea/bath/bed for said Tiny Hitler and our evening meal.

I know that DH values a lie in on a Saturday morning so, weekend plans permitting, I always try to make sure he gets it.

He's taking the piss.

Cpukd you come home from work one day, retire to your bedroom, and let the kids and tea and the house go to shit?

Refer the kids to dear old dad if they want something.

He really is taking the piss. He should be getting them ready, making lunches, checking they have all the kit they need for the day, feeding breakfast, and also dropping off.

Dropping off is the easy part after you e done all the work, but he gets to look like "super engaged dad" in the eyes of the other parents at the school gates. They probably think you have a prince among men there.

I would just come home and when he sits down to rest, you sit next to him and say what a good idea and dont move.

If the kids are asking for tea or whatever, just say 'we are resting' and stay where you are. He will soon realise something is up, when he gets up say right you do tea, i will do 'some other task' dont let him get away with it, show him up for what it is.

I would just come home and when he sits down to rest, you sit next to him and say what a good idea and dont move.

Or they could talk it through and come to a reasonable compromise that both are happy with that allows some rest time for both.

Defaulting to passive aggression like you suggest is only going to aggravate.

I'm sure that the tendency towards passive aggression rather than open communication is one of the top reasons for marriage breakdown or marital unhappiness!

He can surely see what a tawt he is being, and if not this shows him.

I'm sorry this is happening, it's not fair if you come home to "home life stress". One reason I can think he may be doing it, is if he is quite an introverted person? Not shy, but introverts, even if they're in meetings all day etc, talking to people (even online), it can really drain you, so you need some time alone to "re-charge" yourself. It's not an excuse if you're coming home to make dinner etc. Perhaps you can suggest he start dinner (food prep and the table), and when you're in, you can finish it? Just a suggestion to split the duties. But of course, it depends on why he is saying he needs to "ResT" I guess. Wishing you luck! x

He needs to go to the doctors if this is happening, when I worked full time I was the same ended up with chronic fatigue syndrome.

My suspicion wrt the cause of marriage breakdown and marital unhappiness would be one "partner" thinking the second shift is women's work.

Just a surmise.