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Original poster

Friend constantly asks to bring her 28 year old daughter with us

86 replies

Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 10:45

Hi, I have a friend, we have known each other for 30 plus years. We are in our midlife. She lives with her parents in her house (they are not unwell), her 28 year old daughter lives with her, the daughter is quite introverted. The daughter has few friends, never has had a boyfriend and has never been away on her own for anything. My friend's husband left about 9 years ago. My friend has no interest in men at all and never dates.
Her daughter is great, interesting but very quiet so quite often will sit in silence with us. I feel for various reasons our friendship has just drifted. I wouldn't say my friend is the most emotionally intelligent person.. Anyway, I haven't seen my friend for months, I have asked her a few times to meet up but she's cancelled or says she's tired etc. I invited her to join a weekend trip with a friend of mine and she mentioned her daughter would like to go, the trip didn't proceed, but I felt it would change the dynamic. We are going on a long weekend to Berlin shortly and her daughter is coming with us. I suggested meeting up before then for coffee and to go to a gallery and she was enthusiastic but then messaged to say her daughter would like to go too. Don't get me wrong I like her daughter a lot. But l just find there's things I don't want to discuss in front of her daughter. My gut feeling is that this friendship isn't worth particularly investing in any more because we want different things from it. Do you agree have any other views?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 10:52

I really wouldn't like that. I would cancel the meeting and the trip. Although it doesn't sound like you are particularly invested in the friendship anyway

Silvered · 03/08/2023 10:56

Tell her.

Whilst it's lovely to see DD name, I'd prefer to catch up with you 121.

If she ignores you, or complains, then let the friendship go.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 11:46

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 10:52

I really wouldn't like that. I would cancel the meeting and the trip. Although it doesn't sound like you are particularly invested in the friendship anyway

I am, honestly she has been my dearest friend for so long. I think this year has been different..I have stopped suggesting to meet up etc because she would just cancel, and that feeling of being not enough began to grate with me and I found it upsetting. Last we we had quite a few holidays together but this year none.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 11:52

That's a pity that things have changed. If you still want to keep her as a friend, then you definitely need to veto the daughter tagging along each time. Have you asked her why she always brings her? I'm sure she's very nice, but it changes the dynamics for you.

littleripper · 03/08/2023 11:57

Spousification. The poor daughter has replaced the husband as her companion. It's a shame for a 28yo.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 11:58

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 11:52

That's a pity that things have changed. If you still want to keep her as a friend, then you definitely need to veto the daughter tagging along each time. Have you asked her why she always brings her? I'm sure she's very nice, but it changes the dynamics for you.

That's a good idea, I could ask her why she brings her daughter. I know with the gallery trip she just asked DD and the message I got was "Do you mind if DD comes , she has seen it with me already but wants to go again".

I mentioned in the past that I thought if her daughter constantly came away with us she wouldn't go away with her own friends, and my friend said her DD wouldn't have a holiday at all.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 12:00

littleripper · 03/08/2023 11:57

Spousification. The poor daughter has replaced the husband as her companion. It's a shame for a 28yo.

Yes, this is sad.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 12:02

littleripper · 03/08/2023 11:57

Spousification. The poor daughter has replaced the husband as her companion. It's a shame for a 28yo.

Is that a word you've made up ? It's brilliant! Never thought of that,but it makes sense. Or an emotional assistance child...

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 12:02

Her daughter not having a holiday doesn't mean she gets to gatecrash yours. I think a breezy, " Oh well, I'm sure she'll sort something out for herself. It'll be lovely to spend time with you as we had such nice holidays last year." Would that work?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 12:03

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/08/2023 12:02

Her daughter not having a holiday doesn't mean she gets to gatecrash yours. I think a breezy, " Oh well, I'm sure she'll sort something out for herself. It'll be lovely to spend time with you as we had such nice holidays last year." Would that work?

Worth trying! Thank you

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 03/08/2023 12:05

I like her daughter a lot. But l just find there's things I don't want to discuss in front of her daughter.

Tell her exactly this?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 12:08

Buy 2 tickets only for something and invite your friend.. Reiterate you only have 2 tickets if necessary...

Hungryfrogs23 · 03/08/2023 12:17

I totally get this OP. I have a friend exactly the same, only it's his adult son he brings along. It's very annoying. The son is lovely and I genuinely enjoy his company so wouldn't mind at all if he came along to certain things, but it's also nice and necessary imo to have times where you just see your friend and invest in that friendship in its own right. However lovely the extra person is, it undoubtedly changes the dynamic and alters the potential topics of conversation. Sorry, I'm no help but sending solidarity and reading for inspiration!

cansu · 03/08/2023 12:21

I think it could be that her dd is on the autistic spectrum and struggles with social relationships hence why her mum still socialises with her.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 12:23

Hungryfrogs23 · 03/08/2023 12:17

I totally get this OP. I have a friend exactly the same, only it's his adult son he brings along. It's very annoying. The son is lovely and I genuinely enjoy his company so wouldn't mind at all if he came along to certain things, but it's also nice and necessary imo to have times where you just see your friend and invest in that friendship in its own right. However lovely the extra person is, it undoubtedly changes the dynamic and alters the potential topics of conversation. Sorry, I'm no help but sending solidarity and reading for inspiration!

It's helpful thank you. I think that my friend really doesn't see the need for us to talk about anything that her daughter can't be party too. Makes me think we should pair up your friend's son and my friend's daughter!

OP posts:
continentallentil · 03/08/2023 12:25

You just have to be honest.

  • it’s always nice to see X - but I’d love a proper catch up with just you this time?

She probably really worries about her daughter, so when you meet make some time to talk about that. Dragging her out with mum’s friends isn’t the way to fix the issue.

tattygrl · 03/08/2023 12:28

I think, since you describe her as your oldest and dearest friend, it's surely worth risking speaking to her about this before deciding to let go the friendship. It's very reasonable to want to see your friend on her own.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 12:38

Who am I to tell you your "gut feeling" is wrong!? If your gut's telling you something listen to it! Your feelings are more than valid from where I'm standing.
There's nothing wrong with how you feel but there's also nothing wrong with her wanting to get her daughter out of the house. However, if you feel uncomfortable nothing else matters. You're supposed to feel "nice and cosy" when with friends, if you feel the opposite maybe try and have a chat to see if you can compromise otherwise focus more on other friends. If you're not happy don't put yourself in situations where you have to spend a weekend abroad with a person (the daughter) you're not particularly keen on.

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2023 12:38

Why's her daughter so dependent at that age?

Freshair1 · 03/08/2023 12:40

cansu · 03/08/2023 12:21

I think it could be that her dd is on the autistic spectrum and struggles with social relationships hence why her mum still socialises with her.

Not the OP's problem, or responsibility.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/08/2023 12:44

@Livelifelaughter

i couldn’t be doing with that op
Either tell her or just let the friendship drift

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 12:50

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 12:38

Who am I to tell you your "gut feeling" is wrong!? If your gut's telling you something listen to it! Your feelings are more than valid from where I'm standing.
There's nothing wrong with how you feel but there's also nothing wrong with her wanting to get her daughter out of the house. However, if you feel uncomfortable nothing else matters. You're supposed to feel "nice and cosy" when with friends, if you feel the opposite maybe try and have a chat to see if you can compromise otherwise focus more on other friends. If you're not happy don't put yourself in situations where you have to spend a weekend abroad with a person (the daughter) you're not particularly keen on.

I really like her daughter, so it's not that at all. It's the constant going out in a three unless her daughter isn't interested in going... honestly I had a break up earlier in the year and I was at my friend's house and her daughter came into the room and just sat there listening...my friend didn't suggest getting a coffee or something that would give us any privacy. Do you know sometimes you are meeting a friend and you think "haven't see her in a while it would be nice to have a catch up" so you keep it to the two of you, well my friend wouldn't invite anyone else but she would include her daughter.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 03/08/2023 12:53

Jesus, that would be so tedious. I’d have to be brutally Frank. 😬

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 13:29

OP I totally get where you're coming from. I'm a very very private person IRL (definitely share too much here). There are people I "like" but I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my life with. It's just not the sort of relationship we have.
I wouldn't want to share the reasons for my breakup with a acquaintance. I think that's what the daughter is at the end of the day an acquaintance, a nice one yes, you do like her, but she's not "a friend".
I went to my GP and the admin lady was absolutely adorable. Bless her, she always is. I still wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my life with her over coffee. The same way I wouldn't go out for coffee and talk to my friend about sensitive personal things super loud when strangers are around me or in front of her DH.
I also understand the mother wanting her child to have some fun. I've seen people living with parents till late due to depression and they go nowhere unless the parent takes them. They have zero life and zero friends. They end up in a relationship where they do everything together, so it becomes the new normal. I can see it from the friend's point of view too. That's why I think maybe a nice chat could make it better, if not at least you'll know where you stand.

Mortgageportgage · 03/08/2023 13:42

Didn't you post this exact thread a few weeks ago?