Friend constantly asks to bring her 28 year old daughter with us

[Livelifelaughter]

Hi, I have a friend, we have known each other for 30 plus years. We are in our midlife. She lives with her parents in her house (they are not unwell), her 28 year old daughter lives with her, the daughter is quite introverted. The daughter has few friends, never has had a boyfriend and has never been away on her own for anything. My friend's husband left about 9 years ago. My friend has no interest in men at all and never dates.
Her daughter is great, interesting but very quiet so quite often will sit in silence with us. I feel for various reasons our friendship has just drifted. I wouldn't say my friend is the most emotionally intelligent person.. Anyway, I haven't seen my friend for months, I have asked her a few times to meet up but she's cancelled or says she's tired etc. I invited her to join a weekend trip with a friend of mine and she mentioned her daughter would like to go, the trip didn't proceed, but I felt it would change the dynamic. We are going on a long weekend to Berlin shortly and her daughter is coming with us. I suggested meeting up before then for coffee and to go to a gallery and she was enthusiastic but then messaged to say her daughter would like to go too. Don't get me wrong I like her daughter a lot. But l just find there's things I don't want to discuss in front of her daughter. My gut feeling is that this friendship isn't worth particularly investing in any more because we want different things from it. Do you agree have any other views?

It sounds like they possibly both might be ND! The friend lacking in emotional intelligence and her dd socialising with her all the time and being very introverted.

It would also explain why friend feels completely comfortable with her daughter and thinks you must too. She hasn't been able to put herself in your shoes and see that it's not the same for you. I don't think this is spousification or whatever or that she's an emotional support, I think ASD is much more likely.

If she does have ASD then she really might not pick up on anything subtle you do to try and engineer a meet up that's just the two of you. I think it would be a shame to end the friendship completely though but if friend is being a bit flaky I would put the ball in her court to arrange meet up a bit more so you don't feel you're doing all the work - just make it clear that that's what you're doing or she probably will be completely oblivious to it!

Bellac11 Most people deal with friendships in a kinder, more empathetic way than you suggest because they like the person and want to understand them.

I admit I changed some of the facts for privacy.

I thought this was going to be a good thread but it is disappointing to see the OP posted a very similar thread a few days ago and as others have said, just changed a few facts, the DD going from 25 to 28 in a week etc.

That said, I have seen so many threads like this over the years where a significant number of posters say that they DD should just be a friend as well, more the merrier etc. I've experienced this from all angles - my DD is 20 she is actually more or less housebound, even if she wanted to (and she doesn't) I wouldn't take her along to adult get togethers but I was in a friendship group (think related hobby) where a couple of the women insisted on bringing their DDs then mid-teens to every drinks event we had, and the girls would then join in the adult conversation, giving their opinion on everything from Mary's divorce to Jane's redundancy, and we were expected to listen and encourage them. I've also had a long term friend insist on bringing her mid-20s DD and then expecting me to pour my heart out in front of the girl, who then also expected to give her opinion on it all.

I find this is broadly similar to those who insist on bringing their husbands everywhere! Anyway, wonder if OP will come back and explain the 2 threads? I haven't read through the other one - did she get the same advice I wonder?

I changed the facts slightly for privacy...the emphasis on the last thread was a codependency issue. I actually think this thread has been more helpful because many posters have explained a similar experience either having friends with adult children or having them themselves.

I have wondered about that too.

suffolk if you think OP is a troll have you reported it then or just being a -- ?

It's a difficult situation for you but I'd agree that there's likely something going on that you are unaware of. If ND (and it sounds like a possibility) it could be that the daughter doesn't want to be left or friend could be worried about leaving her for one reason or another. Or it might be that DD barely leaves the house otherwise. Anyone who's parented a child, however old, with ND or MH issues (or both) will know what I mean. It's unusual and it might look 'weird' but my guess is it's unlikely that it's because they can't bear to be apart.

Can you initiate a discussion with your friend about her daughter? She might be keen to talk about it. If you think she might be ND herself it might be a bit trickier.

I agree it must be annoying for you, if you talk to her about it you might be able to come up with something helpful that means you can meet without DD.

Nothing stopping your friend going away with her daughter just the two of them.

No need for her to go with you

I agree, but my friend doesn't do that unless they are visiting someone.

People change details for privacy all the time. It’s logical. You’d be bonkers not to. Doesn’t necessarily make them a troll. If you have concerns, report the thread.

I used to socialise with my parents a fair bit (usually family trips) as a young adult, as in went to their holiday cottage with them and went away on a group holiday too in my 20s.

I’m NT but had been bullied and moved schools as a teenager, should’ve gone to uni but got a job. I did have friendships and relationships but I found adult life to be hard sometimes. However, this young woman coming out all the time with you both changes the dynamics of the friendship. She does need to develop her own friendships.

Or it could be the other way round: the daughter is tagging along with the mum because she feels safer doing that than having to go on dates or make friends of her own. The friend has said that the daughter asks if she can come too and I suppose mum doesn't feel right to say no, especially as daughter hasn't got many friends of her own and has never had a partner.

Sounds to me like you are the organiser and they don't bother much if you're not planning the trip or day. Some people are not good at thinking up ideas but are happy to go along with someone more organised.

When I was younger I had bad anxiety so my being with parents was definitely a safety blanket type thing.

A close friend of mine has a DD who’s 18 now and has anxiety, depression and type 1 diabetes. Her DM has her own business but her DD luckily now with support is doing things most young people do to socialise and her DM really enjoys her adult time with adult friends.

Oh my days, My daughter - similar age - would rather shit in her hands and clap, than come and sit with me and my friends at a coffee meetup/pub lunch/dinner, or even worse, come on a day out or weekend away with us. (We are all in our 50s...)

She is amazing and wonderful, and I love her to bits, and I meet her alone every month for coffee/pub lunch etc, and we visit each other a couple of times a month - she lives 25 miles away - but no way would we be socialising together with each other mates. How odd.

This 28 y.o. lass does need to try and join some hobby groups and the like, and think about finding a place on her own - even a house share. I am not bashing adults who still live with parents or grandparents as I know it's very hard alone, in your own place, but this is doing her no good at all.

I know several fully functioning intelligent 27-35 years olds who still live with their parents who have a good job, lots of friends, a few hobbies, and a good social life. They just get on really well with their parents, they are still single, and there is no point in them moving out right now. This lass needs to though!

@Livelifelaughter If I were you I would start giving this friend a wide berth. She is not going to stop doing what she's doing. She sees nothing wrong with it.

I wouldn’t like that either OP.

slightly different, but I had a friend who always wanted to meet up in the daytime rather than evenings so her DD (now aged 10) could come.

Her DD is lovely but I wanted to spend time with my friend & enjoy adult conversation. I ended up letting the friendship slide.

@littleripper

Spousification. The poor daughter has replaced the husband as her companion. It's a shame for a 28yo.

But I'm sure the OP's friend would never take her HUSBAND when she meets her friends? That is very weird.

I wouldn't like this (except maybe on the odd occasion) but wouldn't throw away a friendship over it. Ideally you should probably talk to your friend and try to explain how you feel, but if this is difficult maybe change the nature of your meet ups with her e.g. don't arrange things like weekends in Berlin.

I had similar to this, but my friend’s young adult daughter has a learning disability which means she has to live at home, can only work very limited hours etc. I’m happy for her to come along to certain things, but it really changes the dynamic. I ended up saying to my friend that I enjoyed when the three of us went eg to the cinema/for a walk, but could we arrange lunch/dinner at a time when her husband would be home for (Daughter).

I think in our case my friend is so used to it being the two of them that it seems weird not to include her, and she just didn’t think. It’s much more balanced now and I am glad I bit the bullet and said something - despite feeling rude/awkward at the time!

My DM has this same issue with a friend of hers, although in this case the daughter is in her 40s and my mum and her friend are in their 70s. The friend and the daughter don't live together, but still seem to come as a pair at all times. The daughter has a job but has never had a partner as far as we know. My mum doesn't mind that much, but she does find it weird when she suggests eg a matinee theatre trip, and her friend says 'Oh I think we should make it an evening show because then Daughter could come with us'

This is very helpful. I think we are friends who traditionally "do" things, rather than meet for dinner. Someone above said something along the lines of spelling it out to my friend so maybe "Haven't seen you in a while, can the two of us catch up over dinner, it's always lovely to see DD for cinema trips etc etc but would be lovely to spend some time just the two of us " - the only thing I would say is that clearly my friend doesn't have a need to just see me because she never suggests this !

I have a friend who always brings her husband along. We don’t see each other very often, needless to say.

Nope the husband used to stay at home with DD...