Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend constantly asks to bring her 28 year old daughter with us

86 replies

Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 10:45

Hi, I have a friend, we have known each other for 30 plus years. We are in our midlife. She lives with her parents in her house (they are not unwell), her 28 year old daughter lives with her, the daughter is quite introverted. The daughter has few friends, never has had a boyfriend and has never been away on her own for anything. My friend's husband left about 9 years ago. My friend has no interest in men at all and never dates.
Her daughter is great, interesting but very quiet so quite often will sit in silence with us. I feel for various reasons our friendship has just drifted. I wouldn't say my friend is the most emotionally intelligent person.. Anyway, I haven't seen my friend for months, I have asked her a few times to meet up but she's cancelled or says she's tired etc. I invited her to join a weekend trip with a friend of mine and she mentioned her daughter would like to go, the trip didn't proceed, but I felt it would change the dynamic. We are going on a long weekend to Berlin shortly and her daughter is coming with us. I suggested meeting up before then for coffee and to go to a gallery and she was enthusiastic but then messaged to say her daughter would like to go too. Don't get me wrong I like her daughter a lot. But l just find there's things I don't want to discuss in front of her daughter. My gut feeling is that this friendship isn't worth particularly investing in any more because we want different things from it. Do you agree have any other views?

OP posts:
cansu · 03/08/2023 13:58

Freshair1
I did not suggest it was the OPs responsibility. However, it might explain why which is helpful when deciding what to do. I have a dd with asd. I don't socialise with her with my friends, but she is around at home all the time. I think the OP should talk to her friend about doing some things alone. I would not be binning any of my friendships because my friend has different circumstances to me. I would just be choosing when and how I see them. I have friends with young children. I am not a major fan of little kids but sometimes I see my friend with her young children and sometimes we meet up without them.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 14:29

cansu · 03/08/2023 13:58

Freshair1
I did not suggest it was the OPs responsibility. However, it might explain why which is helpful when deciding what to do. I have a dd with asd. I don't socialise with her with my friends, but she is around at home all the time. I think the OP should talk to her friend about doing some things alone. I would not be binning any of my friendships because my friend has different circumstances to me. I would just be choosing when and how I see them. I have friends with young children. I am not a major fan of little kids but sometimes I see my friend with her young children and sometimes we meet up without them.

I understand where you're coming from. Funnily enough I actually don't have a problem with friends bringing young children, often they don't have an option and when the children are young it's easier to have a more adult conversation in front of them.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 14:35

Why haven't you had a direct conversation about this? Just tell her you don't want her daughter coming and why.

UsingChangeofName · 03/08/2023 14:52

I think you are going to have to be clear

Tell her
Whilst it's lovely to see DD name, I'd prefer to catch up with you 121

and @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand 's comment on P1

I am probably similar age to you and have friends who have dc of similar ages. Like you - it is lovely to see them sometimes, but there are (odd) occasions for that, and then there is the rest of the time. No, I wouldn't want my (adult) dc, nor my friends' adult dc joining me and my friend(s) every time we meet up, and especially not when we go away either.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 15:19

UsingChangeofName · 03/08/2023 14:52

I think you are going to have to be clear

Tell her
Whilst it's lovely to see DD name, I'd prefer to catch up with you 121

and @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand 's comment on P1

I am probably similar age to you and have friends who have dc of similar ages. Like you - it is lovely to see them sometimes, but there are (odd) occasions for that, and then there is the rest of the time. No, I wouldn't want my (adult) dc, nor my friends' adult dc joining me and my friend(s) every time we meet up, and especially not when we go away either.

I think I have enabled this a bit by often including DD but when she was a bit younger DD had more going on and wouldn't come also my friend wouldn't bring her. Also DD friends are now adults, have boyfriends aren't living at home, and she's been left behind so is frankly hanging around the house especially at weekends so is brought along with us. All the advice is sensible but I honestly think if I said to my friend can we catch up 121 she would expect something personal to be on the agenda rather than an evolving conversation.

OP posts:
WandaWomblesaurus · 04/08/2023 01:23

Is this a co-, dependant relationship mother and daughter relationship? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4858606-is-this-a-co-dependant-relationship-mother-and-daughter-relationship

Didn't you start another thread about this?

WandaWomblesaurus · 04/08/2023 01:26

On the last thread you said your friend's husband died. On this one you staying he left.

WandaWomblesaurus · 04/08/2023 01:27

*on this thread you are saying he left.

Left or died? There's a massive difference, especially given what grief can do to a family.

coxesorangepippin · 04/08/2023 01:32

God I would not be interested in that at all

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2023 02:43

I agree that this is unhealthy enmeshment. Perhaps you could suggest that because of COVID, she and her daughter have become unhealthily co-dependent and that it is in her daughter’s best interest to be pushed further from the nest.

AlexandriasWindmill · 04/08/2023 02:44

So your last thread said the husband died and you were worried about the co-dependency in the mother/daughter relationship. This thread, the husband left, and you're worried about your friendship. Which is it?
You don't sound as though you've been best friends for 30 years. You have no insight into why the DD is at home and happy with such a restricted life. And you're struggling to have even basic conversations about having some meet-ups without the DD. There's so much missing and contradictory that it's impossible to advise.

user1492757084 · 04/08/2023 04:05

Try inviting other young people too.

They might form their own social group.
It was extrememly hard on young people when the lock downs occurred. They have missed out on naturally congregating and flying the coup.

user1492757084 · 04/08/2023 04:05

I mean coop!

GardeningIdiot · 04/08/2023 04:35

This is very odd, @Livelifelaughter. People are giving advice in good faith on this thread, but you've been through it all on another thread, just days ago but with different key facts.

Ladyj84 · 04/08/2023 04:41

Totally different opinion here. Have you considered the daughter has disabilities you don't even know about because what you describe how she is quiet,no bfs etc is my sister who has autism. She lives with my parents and is 32 and mum nearly always takes her with her first to get her out of the house and second to at least here people interact. If mum didn't then my sister would be stuck indoors all the time. As a wider family we include her in our trips,holidays,lunch out etc. So maybe think about that rather than she's your friend and there's obviously an unknown reason she wants to bring her daughter. It's hardly putting a negative impact you can still chat coffee or whatever and think of the positive impact to you all instead.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2023 05:00

Do something low key like meeting up for a coffee and insist you want to see you friend 121 to discuss something sensitive. If her dd comes, send her off to do some errands for you. Then talk to your friend about how you’re concerned about her dd. How you think perhaps she’s having difficulties and they’ve latched into one another, but it isn’t helping her dd to get to the next stage in her life, whatever that may be. How she’s become a bit of her mum’s companion when she has her whole life in front of her... doesn’t your friend remember what if was like in your 20s? Did you know one another then to compare or know about your lives back then?

BansheeofInisherin · 04/08/2023 05:05

I could not put up with this, and am baffled by the posters who suggest you invite other young people too! What? You are not running activities on a cruise ship!

I would absolutely not go to Berlin as a trio.

WomanFromTheNorth · 04/08/2023 05:05

Ladyj84 · 04/08/2023 04:41

Totally different opinion here. Have you considered the daughter has disabilities you don't even know about because what you describe how she is quiet,no bfs etc is my sister who has autism. She lives with my parents and is 32 and mum nearly always takes her with her first to get her out of the house and second to at least here people interact. If mum didn't then my sister would be stuck indoors all the time. As a wider family we include her in our trips,holidays,lunch out etc. So maybe think about that rather than she's your friend and there's obviously an unknown reason she wants to bring her daughter. It's hardly putting a negative impact you can still chat coffee or whatever and think of the positive impact to you all instead.

My first thought too was that her daughter is autistic and if she doesn't go out with her mum, she doesn't go anywhere.

Batalax · 04/08/2023 06:17

“I love x and spending time with her, but I also miss the times when we used to just catch up the two of us. Can we do that sometimes? I do find I can talk more freely when it’s just the two of us, purely because we have so much history together and we are the same age. X is great but it does change the dynamic. Best of both worlds would be seeing you both sometimes and just you sometimes.”

Joystir59 · 04/08/2023 06:26

tattygrl · 03/08/2023 12:28

I think, since you describe her as your oldest and dearest friend, it's surely worth risking speaking to her about this before deciding to let go the friendship. It's very reasonable to want to see your friend on her own.

I agree with this. No way would I let go of such an old friend, and certainly not before I tried some honest communication with her.

StopStartStop · 04/08/2023 07:15

I haven't read all the responses but skimming, people don't seem to be asking 'Does the friend really want to spend time with the OP?' The recommendations that the OP demand to see the friend alone would probably cause offence.

OP, let this friend go. If it bothers her, she'll come back. But her life seems full enough at the moment.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 04/08/2023 07:58

Is OP going to respond to anything else since her other thread has come to light?

Escapetofrance · 04/08/2023 08:08

I don’t see the problem with the daughter coming along but you do. In that case, either ask her to come alone or see less of your friend.

bellac11 · 04/08/2023 08:13

cansu · 03/08/2023 13:58

Freshair1
I did not suggest it was the OPs responsibility. However, it might explain why which is helpful when deciding what to do. I have a dd with asd. I don't socialise with her with my friends, but she is around at home all the time. I think the OP should talk to her friend about doing some things alone. I would not be binning any of my friendships because my friend has different circumstances to me. I would just be choosing when and how I see them. I have friends with young children. I am not a major fan of little kids but sometimes I see my friend with her young children and sometimes we meet up without them.

Why the need for an explanation though?

Friend brings daughter along, daughter isnt wanted by other friend.

Thats the crux of it, why she is there is irrelevant.

Also OP you say the daughter is interesting but most of the time sits in silence, how can she be interesting in that context?

Serendipitoushedgehog · 04/08/2023 08:14

I ended up briefly living back with my parents aged 28 after a relationship break up and I would have been mortified to socialise with them the whole time! It sounds like the mum and daughter have become very codependent. I think the daughter needs some encouragement to get out and meet people and do her own thing, but that’s not really your place. Is it the kind of friendship where you can gently mention you would like to just see your friend? They probably haven’t realised how weird it’s got.

Swipe left for the next trending thread