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Original poster

Friend constantly asks to bring her 28 year old daughter with us

86 replies

Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 10:45

Hi, I have a friend, we have known each other for 30 plus years. We are in our midlife. She lives with her parents in her house (they are not unwell), her 28 year old daughter lives with her, the daughter is quite introverted. The daughter has few friends, never has had a boyfriend and has never been away on her own for anything. My friend's husband left about 9 years ago. My friend has no interest in men at all and never dates.
Her daughter is great, interesting but very quiet so quite often will sit in silence with us. I feel for various reasons our friendship has just drifted. I wouldn't say my friend is the most emotionally intelligent person.. Anyway, I haven't seen my friend for months, I have asked her a few times to meet up but she's cancelled or says she's tired etc. I invited her to join a weekend trip with a friend of mine and she mentioned her daughter would like to go, the trip didn't proceed, but I felt it would change the dynamic. We are going on a long weekend to Berlin shortly and her daughter is coming with us. I suggested meeting up before then for coffee and to go to a gallery and she was enthusiastic but then messaged to say her daughter would like to go too. Don't get me wrong I like her daughter a lot. But l just find there's things I don't want to discuss in front of her daughter. My gut feeling is that this friendship isn't worth particularly investing in any more because we want different things from it. Do you agree have any other views?

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 11:10

I've been badly depressed a couple of times in my life and my parents included me in things they wouldn't otherwise have done.

It could be that she's depressed, suffering poor mh, anxious etc.

If it was my dd, and I was worried about her and wanted her to get out of the house and do things, I'd take her along with me. She would be my top priority, naturally.

You said she's been left behind somewhat in life, she could be concerned about her and wanting to take every opportunity to get her out and about, interacting with people etc.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 11:11

I think if a grown up child is like that, you could feel guilty leaving them behind if you were doing something potentially fun and social.

It's not ideal, but there it is.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 11:21

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 11:11

I think if a grown up child is like that, you could feel guilty leaving them behind if you were doing something potentially fun and social.

It's not ideal, but there it is.

I can understand that. I suppose as some pp have suggested is to explain that it's fine and I genuinely like DD's company; I have taken her out to lunch etc on my own, but also it's nice to just catch up the two of us every now and then. And/or just say "how about dinner and a catch up just the two of us" - if she's not inclined to do that, then I have my answer.

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/08/2023 11:22

littleripper · 03/08/2023 11:57

Spousification. The poor daughter has replaced the husband as her companion. It's a shame for a 28yo.

No, its the other way round. The DD is the one with no social life of her own and who is relying on her mum to fill the friend/relationship gap in her life. Her mother doesn't 'need' her there, she could do these things with OP alone. Nor is she placing her in a spouse role, as she wouldnt be bringing her husband to these events if they were together. It's the DDs needs that are being centred here by her mum.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 11:23

KitKateKat · 04/08/2023 10:15

Sounds to me like you are the organiser and they don't bother much if you're not planning the trip or day. Some people are not good at thinking up ideas but are happy to go along with someone more organised.

Story of my life !

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 04/08/2023 12:07

My Mum has this exact problem with her sister always bringing her DD along to everything. My mum and her 2 sisters meet regularly or go for days out etc and the daughter always has to come along because she has no friends of her own (she is early 30s). The difference here is that the daughter is a bit of a leech and comes along because she gets paid for and her mum is an enabler of this. My Mum has had to enforce boundaries about paying for lunches because she refuses to pay for her Niece when the Niece doesn't take a turn to pay. I've told my Mum to only arrange to meet up when the Niece is working (she only works 2 days). My Mum is a pensioner by the way so she's not tight. She also hates that they can't talk about certain things when she is literally always there. I think you have to start inviting your friend but saying "how about we get together, just the 2 of us" from now on so its a bit clearer you don't want her daughter to be there.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 13:55

anotherdisaster · 04/08/2023 12:07

My Mum has this exact problem with her sister always bringing her DD along to everything. My mum and her 2 sisters meet regularly or go for days out etc and the daughter always has to come along because she has no friends of her own (she is early 30s). The difference here is that the daughter is a bit of a leech and comes along because she gets paid for and her mum is an enabler of this. My Mum has had to enforce boundaries about paying for lunches because she refuses to pay for her Niece when the Niece doesn't take a turn to pay. I've told my Mum to only arrange to meet up when the Niece is working (she only works 2 days). My Mum is a pensioner by the way so she's not tight. She also hates that they can't talk about certain things when she is literally always there. I think you have to start inviting your friend but saying "how about we get together, just the 2 of us" from now on so its a bit clearer you don't want her daughter to be there.

That's awful but I can sadly see DD not changing and being the same at 30....I think I need to be clearer and more directional as you suggest.

OP posts:
MNetcurtains · 04/08/2023 14:31

Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 11:46

I am, honestly she has been my dearest friend for so long. I think this year has been different..I have stopped suggesting to meet up etc because she would just cancel, and that feeling of being not enough began to grate with me and I found it upsetting. Last we we had quite a few holidays together but this year none.

Show quote history

How long have her parents been staying with her? Is it possible that has changed her behaviour?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 14:46

MNetcurtains · 04/08/2023 14:31

How long have her parents been staying with her? Is it possible that has changed her behaviour?

Show quote history

On and off for years

OP posts:
oktaykara92 · 04/08/2023 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

caringcarer · 04/08/2023 15:27

cansu · 03/08/2023 12:21

I think it could be that her dd is on the autistic spectrum and struggles with social relationships hence why her mum still socialises with her.

This. I think her Mum is trying to get her DD out and about to build her confidence. As an adult I lived 200 miles away from my Mum. Whenever I went down to stay for a week with my DC at her invitation she would say 'oh you must find time to go for lunch, or a coffee and cake with X. X was Mums best friends DD who was what I always thought of as socially awkward. She always wanted to go if I asked her and she arrived very dressed up but when we got there he barely spoke. I'd have to work really hard to get a few words out of her. Anyway I kept going because Mum asked me too. She died young at 46. At her service her Mum thanked me for being her best friend. I was speechless. She told me the only time she really went out except for work was when I came down and apparently she used to tell her Mum how much she looked forward to me coming down. It dawned on me she didn't really have any friends and I was all she really had. I saw her more as an acquaintance really. Maybe this DD is like X. I'd invite your friend and her DD sometimes.

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