DH being horrible to DS or have I lost perspective?

[LostNorthener]

DS is nearly 5. He's on waiting lists for ASD and ADHD due to some pretty challenging stuff v early on - verbal delay, can't follow any sort of instruction, can be very aggressive, has tics. Nursery recommended the referrals. He's down brilliantly at nursery and almost all aggression and meltdowns had disappeared or at least really reduced. He loved the routine and I've made big progress at home too. Nursery and the local authority confident that he's ready to start mainstream school in Sep.

Since nursery is closed now for summer his behaviour has plummeted. We are back to throwing things, slamming doors, lots of tears and hurting himself over tiny things. In 10 days we have gone back 6 months!

DH is in-between jobs and taking a break over summer so has DS full time and it's not going well.

This morning DS threw a glass on the floor because he couldn't find a toy.

DH dragged him into the sitting room. Started shouting. DS then went crazy throwing books off shelves, throwing shoes, a vase got smashed. I was just busy keeping younger DD safe. DH shouting top of his voice "you stop it" physically retaining him. DS kept saying "I want mummy for cuddle" and DH shouting "I bet you want your mother but you've got me and you're not getting a bike, or seeing your mum, until you pick up all this stuff and behave yourself" DH was very loud in the shouting even when DS was just sitting still crying. The throwing lasted 5 mins but the shouting lasted much longer. At one point DS was shouting "leave me alone" and DH was shouting "you leave me alone" at each other over and over.

I ended up going in the room and DH shouted at me "DS is not allowed to see you until he's picked up everything he is a horrible boy" DS crying on sofa. I say "how about we pick things up together DS" DS nods and we tidy-up the whole house - DS doing it with me helping him. DH storms out saying I'm so fuxking soft etc

DH has now left house

Do I sound too soft?
Or do people think actually I should have stepped in much sooner
If me and DH split (we have some other issues) wouldn't I be causing more harm to my son as God knows what DH would do if i wasn't there
DS always wants a cuddle after a meltdown- DH says I'm rewarding him. I think I'm comforting him
Does my DH sound horrible or just he has his boundaries as he would say.

I don't know if this is parenting or AIBU or relationships but putting here. Any thoughts welcome as I feel totally lost here.

Everything just keeps gettting worse.

DH ended up taking DS out to buy him his first bike this morning. Sponatenous. No planning. Go to shop and of course only display bikes at Halfords and you have to order online. can't take a bike away today.

DS distraught.

DH calls me from the car on hands free - DH almost in tears & saying DS is throwing things in the car. I can hear DS crying. DS asking to go to soft play instead but DH just saying "we aren't going anywhere - neither of us having fun". DH almost in tears himself. dh shouting to me and DS "it's miserable it's utterly miserable. i'm fucking trying". the two of them both in tears. they only left the house 90 mins ago!

They are coming back now and think I'm going to have to tell my boss i'm sick and take over. DH isn't coping.

i can't do it. I can't look after DS with all his challenges, and DD, and support DH and take over randomly. and work full time. and do all the house and kids admin. and the cleaning (DH has a mate staying in 2 days and the house is GROSS) and sort all the bills and bloody all of it. I'm in the city tomorrow - I feel like I can't leave them alone.

thank you so much for the support. things need to change long-term. but right now we aren't getting through day to day.

Oh OP, I have so much sympathy for you. Everyone is leaning on you. I think I agree now that you need to get rid of the husband, it is a stressful situation but he's making it fucking worse. I hope things improve soon.

I don't agree that you're too soft either from what you've said. You know what works best for your kid.

DH has a mate staying in 2 days

That shows that your DH has absolutely no concept of how to be a husband or a father. You are doing everything, he invites friends to stay. How will your children - especially the 12yo - react to a stranger in the house? Has he considered that? Does he care? If the house is a pigsty does your DH not care, or does he expect you to make it nice for his friend (don't!)

No you can't do it all. It is absolutely fine to decide that you can't continue to live with an adult who expects adult privileges but behaves like another child and who makes your job as a parent so much harder.

Your DH is the biggest issue here. He doesn't seem prepared to even try to learn how to help support his child or his wife. I really dont understand why he won't take him to soft play. Obviously your DS is upset and disappointed he didn't get a bike so soft play would have cheered him up and potentially avoided a meltdown.

If your concerned that he will want custody of the kids you need to start evidencing that he isn't fit to have a them. I would suggest keeping a diary of events and his behaviour and how your DS reacted. If your planning on leaving do not let him have the kids unsupervised until you have done type of residency or court order in place. You could arrange in the meantime to allow him access to the kids via supported or a handover contact at a contact centre. This means there is ramifications if he doesn't return the kids to the contact centre at the pre agreed time or behaves unacceptably in a supported contact.

OP a couple of points.

You are human. Everything can’t fall on you. You are a mother, wife, have work plus a home to run. You can’t also be expected to manage the relationship between your husband and son. It’s just not sustainable. Your children need you and you are on fast track to burnout if you don’t look after yourself.
A marriage is a partnership and needs both parties to be supportive of each other. You can’t carry a marriage on your own.

My ASD DC is now a teenager. He flourished after his father and I went our separate ways. I noticed a huge improvement in his social skills, communication, confidence and just a more relaxed, happy child. Taking him out of the environment where his father had zero emotional regulation to a more calm home environment was really beneficial. Thankfully 50:50 is not norm where I live especially for SEN kids.

When I read your first post my immediate reaction was that you delayed stepping in because it could make your husband angrier. I used to be in a lose lose situation with EX and DC. You take the child’s side but it’s hard knowing that it will mean you have to deal with an angry adult as well as calming down an overwhelmed child.

Thank you all -I'm getting on top of things. We have an amazing woman who helps out during term time with DD - and I have called her and she is going to do some days during august with DS. They get on amazingly and she is so loving and firm with him. I have taken rest of today off work and DH has left to go the gym. me and DS have just gone to park and I'm now letting him watch some telly. I may need to take some time off durign august or work in evenings. The current situation cannot continue.

@Crunchingleafand others who have left partners with similar situations. Can I ask - did/do you ever worry about your DC being like your DH/P? My MIL says that DS is just like DH when DH was younger. They look identical. When i hear them shout, it's like the same person with 40 years age difference. DH isn't a very happy person in lots of ways. And DS isn't a very happy kid. (Me and DD are the happy ones in the house). Practically - i can make changes, but emotionally - i worry about DS future. I don't want him to be like DH. Does that sound terrible?

@LostNorthener LTB, this act and your parenting should hopefully make all of the difference to your sons emotions. As a child I mirrored my mum, so would have shouty and aggressive meltdowns.

My daughter is a mini me, however, I’ve worked hard to overcome my abusive past and on the whole am a calm mother. My husband is also a calm parent. The energy of the house is mirrored in our daughter who despite being autistic and having ADHD is extremely well rounded and is rarely distressed.

God almighty, what an absolute cunt the man is.

Totally this. He won't bother with his son, and I'd put money on him not bothering with his daughter when it becomes clear he's got to spend proper time with her.

@LostNorthener your question about did I worry that DS would turn out like his dad? Yes I did, and that was the spur to asking DH to leave, so that DS wouldn't have that example to follow - the week I decided enough was enough was when DS spoke to me in the same nasty manner his dad did, only for his dad to say "I hate it when he talks to you like that". Talk about gaslighting!

Little by little DS has lost many of the behaviours that he learned from DS, sometimes through prompting from me, and sometimes through work with the school counsellor ... some of it was difficult for him, because he didn't understand what he was doing wrong (and of course it was triggering for me so I sometimes reacted more than I should have, I've learned not to, it isn't his fault) so I've had to explain. But as I said above, he is a changed kid...much more gentle and affectionate and emotional (in a good way) and much less reactive and stroppy, and a friend said to me the other day that you can barely see any of his dad's cr@p in him now, which is a huge relief. He is just himself 💙

And no, it doesn't sound terrible, it sounds like a really good mum who wants the best for her boy.

There is almost a narcissism to it all. We took DS to soft play. He needs the loo and asks me to take him and says "only mummy". DH then complains "god my son actually hates me". Its like the fact DS is having a nice time is irrelevant because DH is taking everything so personally. DH kept saying to me all day "I just wanted to have a nice summer". Its all about him. And he doesn't even acknowledge I've just had to lie to my boss to get off work so we can both look after DS together.

The enormous change of divorce feels pretty intimidating. The scariest part of it what might happen with DC of course and 50% makes me feel very worried. If he's angry now - he's going to be an absolute shit once we've split and I know he takes out frustration on DS

But got to see bigger picture

@Crunchingleafand others who have left partners with similar situations. Can I ask - did/do you ever worry about your DC being like your DH/P?

DC personality wise is very like me. Which brings different fears. When ex says ‘you’re just like your mother’ it is definitely meant as a criticism.
DC is already far better at controlling his emotions than his father and crucially he doesn’t have his ‘victim mentality’ and can take responsibility when he does wrong. That gives me hope that he can become a more well adjusted man than his father.
Recently I have noticed there is a particular laugh DC uses when he is fake laughing it is just like EX’s laugh. I find it triggering tbh.

At your DS age there is still time to nurture him.

He won't want 50%. Guaranteed.

@LostNorthener DP has an explosive temper too and I worry that DS will go the same way, that he'll never grow out of the meltdowns even worse, DP doesn't even make an effort to control his, when he wants to vent he just vents and knows there isn't much we can do about it as he's physically larger/ stronger/ more intimidating. He never used to be like this before the DC were born, it's like he can't stand being the centre of attention...

@LostNorthener Your sons current living arrangements are unsafe and are destroying his MH. That is far worse than the hypothetical ‘my husband may ask for 50% custody’, esp when your husband clearly hates your son.

You need to focus on there here and now not fantasies.

To help ease your worries are you putting some time aside to attend the 30 free minute appointments offered by solicitors? You can use this time to discuss your concerns about 50/50 and what evidence you might need to make your case against this if the worst case scenario does happen

He’s not going to want 50%

He can’t cope for a day when you are at work. He’s not going to willingly choose that 50% of the time.

This.

You sound so great but your husband is dragging the whole family down.

Unfortunately like many women who rid themselves of men like him, life becomes easier.

He makes life harder.

Wants the summer off🙄.

Log his behaviour with your GP.

Get legal advice.

Your priority is the children, not him.

Do not hesitate to involve the police if he becomes aggressive.

He sounds nasty towards you at times too.

It's like you've 3 kids and two of them have ADHD tbh.

If your DH won't get counselling and won't do a course and won't lift a finger when his method clearly is a disaster, then you need him out.

He's got his mother to go to hasn't he? Like, if he's not working, and not parenting and not doing anything to help make life easier for YOU doing it all and in fact, creating more work for you, what fucking use is he?

^ This! I was going to waffle on along the same lines, but this says it all.

Your DH sounds as if he is in pain. This in no way excuses his behaviour but it does indicate a way forward. He needs to see a psychologist and get a diagnosis. His behaviour sounds ND. The problem you will have is potentially getting him to realise that he is actually being a weirdo , aggressive and out of order. It sounds to me as if he may has various undiagnosed thing including ADHD, narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social PD. I suspect that two NDs together are an explosive combination. There will also be an element of arrogance in DH about his parenting and husbanding abilities. If he get treated by a professional I would suspect that everything will improve, including your relationship. I would expect yours DS will also improve too. Energy is easy to feed off.

Also I meant to say that it is worth suggesting family therapy for DS as this will hopefully get him in front of someone in the right line of work and you can take it from there. Good luck. Xx