Teen DD says I’m in a toxic relationship with DH

[carolmorederman]

This situation sounds abusive; you get to be the problem, he takes zero responsibility, you get to be judged and scrutinized but he'll never examine his own behaviour.
just saw these wise words on another relationship thread and it’s dawned on me that this is my DH. For years he blamed his boss and brought home stress.

He blamed me for not getting a job - yet I now wonder if any training I did was sabotaged. Any job I got wasn’t good enough.last year he nagged an LOT annd After a LOT of trying and courses and nagging I got a job I enjoyed but DH needed to be persuaded I should take it as it’s minimum wage. After a few months DH nagged me until I left it. it - ostensibly to persuade DD who had suddenly moved out to return. Possibly because he was being asked to do more around the house.
now my DD who is 18 and suddenly left is telling me that we are in a toxic relationship, he puts me down and I need to work on myself.
DH blames her partner for her leaving and says, ‘we’ve done nothing wrong’ when I say we must have he insists it’s all the partners scheming.
im very confused. I suspect DD has a point.
as I’ve written it here, it doesn’t sound so good. But DH works very hard and wanted always to give the kids nice things.
just confused and emotionally not sure where I am.

Hi again @carolmorederman ... opinions here may vary but I do wonder if your counsellor is really up to the job. I could reflect your statements back at you and perhaps it might be useful to you in a limited way, but there comes a point where you need to be heard by someone with a slightly more extensive range of skills and experience. Counsellors vary wildly - some are life-changingly good, some are just rubbish tbh, and yet more are good in principle but not on your wavelength. If you're not sure whether you're getting anything from your sessions, well, maybe you're not!

Are you in a position to change to someone else or are you stuck with someone through your GP or who offers low-cost sessions, for example? If you're free to try someone else, I think perhaps I would in your shoes. It's been months now iirc and I think you'd be feeling more positive about it if it was helping.

Thank you so much everyone. The counseling was free but pants. I’ll look for a proper one, hopefully it’s a worth while investment. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. People pleasing sounds about right, and it’s got me into all sorts of trouble before.
im here because I’m confused, again.
DH wfh thinks it’s ok when I’m working on my side hustle to swoop down pfor a kiss with THAT look. I really don’t want to drop everything to give him a lunchtime quickie, Ihe doesn’t seem to get that a bit of romance helps. So I apologized.
so later he asks why my wages haven’t gone into the joint account. So I put them in. So then he comes in and wants to know why my side hustle money hasn’t gone in. He’s not being horrible but all his wages go into the joint account. I say I want the money so I can do the books and see what I’ve got to invest . And, more importantly, feel proud of myself.
he doesn’t get it.
i know if I was a bloke I’d be lambasted,as he does all the earning. So I get that he’s pissed off and worried about money. But next minute he’s talking about buying a new Telly/ whatever. which I don’t want.
im trying to build up part time jobs into something better. The part time job he didn’t want me to take is expanding.
the side hustle could do very well- repeat business, great reviews. Sometimes he says it will never make money, somethe is encouraging.
AIBU? I know I’m exhausted but I’ve no idea what’s fair. And if I’m moaning on here and giving a slanted view.
im STILL confused, its ridiculous. Sorry to be a twit!

Sorry, ranting! Off on a weekend with DD tomorrow to a lovely spa. Can’t wait! And will definitely not moan . Thank you departure I read your posts many times.x

Ok re read. I look terrible. He works hard and earns, I Fanny about don’t earn much at all and get depressed. I need a head wobble. Thanks all.

I’ve followed this post and you are not terrible at all. He has been gaslighting you and twists every situation to keep you on your toes, like your dancing on hot coals. He has you second guessing yourself all the time.
Any time you make headway with your work, he’s on it by either putting you down or making a pass at you! Why did you feel the need to apologise to him? You have every right to turn him down, no apology needed.
He has you twisting and turning till you end up in knots. It will continue until you decide to leave. In the meantime enjoy your weekend with you beautiful daughter and don’t let him ruin it with endless phone calls and texts. You deserve time away to literally switch off.

What exactly are you confused about?

He bully's you
Puts you down
Gaslights you
Wants you to jump & service his needs at the drop of a hat!

Are you confused because you think he has your best interests at heart? He doesn't!

I'm not surprised you're exhausted, living like you do must be exhausting!

Sort out a new counsellor!

If you're heading away with your daughter why don't you try & bring the discussion around to your original conversation.

Surely this tread has given you a little more insight into the situation!

No OP you're not any of those things.

He's a bully and knocked your confidence for many years.

You're doing great. Don't doubt yourself.

Thank you so much.

I don’t know.
DS came down to do a jigsaw. DH says something like, they’re rubbish.
DS just now came down to mend the fairy lights. DS says something like, why waste your time, why didn’t you choose any yesterday at the shops. (Beacuse . And because DH wanted to look at tellies).
I tell DH who says,‘it’s always MY fault’ so then I hear a shout. A minute later it seems he can’t put the wheels on the dishwasher tray so I have to stop what I’m doing and sort it. I say, I’m eating my lunch.
lo and behold he has managed to get the wheels on and has now gone out to go Xmas shopping.
hurrah.
Just saying. It sounds awful written like this.

It IS awful. I felt stressed out just reading it!!

Hello! Keeping a sort of diary here, reading it in type on a website makes it less ‘me’ if you know what I mean, and I value your input. I don’t get that from a journal
thanks to some so amazingly wise people here, I’m noticing stuff more.
as you said departure lounge .
He doesn’t want side hustle to impact house being tidy. a bit if me is questioning why I need to hold back on it to keep the house tidy ( It’s only this month)
Today he KNOWS I’m busy, to make last post. He decides I need a proper desk, wants me to go with him. I’ve realised I am so a people pleaser, I want to keep him happy ( we are both stressed atm) but need to get on. He accepts this, and says I give mixed messages. I do, I veer wildly as I’m trying to think what I want to do, and accommodate others. He encourages me to do what I want.
Then he phones about a desk he’s found. .Then he sends me pics. It doesn’t suit my needs, he won’t accept that. He comes home and is very wierd, going on at me to buy the desk, it s the only desk in the world, it’s cheap, the only alternative is ikea which will cost 100s.
i say no, somehow we row and he stomps off. What happened to ‘do what I want’. And this from a guy that on Friday had to be persuaded that he didn’t need a 1000 Telly.
ive found a special gift for him reduced to half price. So now he thinks we should get two. I think then it’s not special.
he wants to give DS 15 1000. For Xmas. What?! When I said 200 is plenty, he said Im wierd with money and I’m mean.
i know we are both stressed and miserable at the moment because of stuff, but I what’s this or rather what’s the desk bit of it all about?# Tia!

Writing it all down is a good idea!

Desk gate is more sabotage! He knows you're busy, knows you need to make the last post! He's distracting in you & putting obstacles in your way!

I'm really sorry but I don't know why he would do that, other than to undermine you & keep you off keel!

I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am. 💐

Thank you for posting.
its a bit concerning that stuff I’ve not noticed / thought normal is getting comments like ‘I’m sorry you’re going through this’ 😳
thank goodness for you guys.

Desk gate! 😂

I’ve realised I am so a people pleaser, I want to keep him happy

Is it people generally, or just him?
Because I'm not sure what you've described is people pleasing.

I think what you've described is you acquiescing to his demands, appeasing him, in an attempt to manage his behaviour - "keeping him happy" actually means "attempting to avoid the negative consequences for me if he isn't happy", ie, avoid a fight, or avoid him being shitty/difficult, by giving him what you think he wants even if at detriment to yourself.

You're pleasing him because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't, is how it reads to me. That is different to being a "people pleaser".

Yeah, I came on to say the same thing. He's sabotaging you. But if he interrupted you to talk about tellies or sex or the news headlines, it would be easier for you to spot and resist, so instead he suggests something for you, a desk, you really need the best desk we can find, the best desk money can buy, a desk for you, you, you...

No wonder you're confused. He's being so generous and helpful, and yet it has such a destructive, undermining effect. Guess which one is the real him.

Please stop berating yourself for not seeing this behaviour for what it is. It's like table magic. You are at the same table as him so your attention is constantly being directed by his patter and his sleight of hand. If you're at a different table, as we are, it's easy to notice his hand going into his pocket, the playing cards being swapped over, the extra coin being retrieved etc.

Make a list of all the things you have going for you. Your job, your side business, your lovely kids, the new counsellor you're going to find, your friends, people here who will support you, etc. Repeat it like a mantra to get through Christmas. Make a plan to get out in the new year.

@carolmorederman - his objective in this marriage is to keep you on edge, to have you walking on eggshells, constantly. If you stay, one day you'll be a shadow of yourself.

I agree with others that you'd be wise to plan your exit. You'll have to be smart and focused though, because he'll do his damnest to sabotage this too. And once he realizes that you are serious, he'll turn nasty and try to screw you over.

So you will have to be organized, i.e. educate yourself (see below) about the process and ensure you have copies of all his financial stuff. You may have to do a bit of searching in case he has been hiding assets.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites
Then get a SHL.

You are living with a saboteur. He’s manipulative as hell. Keep writing it down, you will see the patterns more and more.

Omg thank you so much.
Departure loungeyou’ve nailed it I think, because the desk is seemingly for me. that’s what is so confusing.
thank you for mentioning patterns and helping me see what’s what all of you.
but why do I get a £100 ugly desk that’s wrong from a secondhand store but he wants to give DS15 £1000 for Xmas. Hmm.
I’ve read luncroft and all sorts but no one seems to describe the subtle stuff. So I always assumed I’d got it wrong. I could write a journal here, I think you’d all die of boredom!

I don't think we'd die of boredom Carol! I think you have got used to nothing you say being treated as important! But it is & it's as valid an anything else anyone else posts!

Write your journal, see what people say if you think it might help you!

The thing is you mention Lundy not covering the 'subtle' stuff but I don't think anything your husband does is subtle, I think it's blatant - the problem is that you have got used to it!

' why do I get a £100 ugly desk that’s wrong from a secondhand store but he wants to give DS15 £1000 for Xmas. Hmm.'

It wasn't about him getting you the desk, it was about him interrupting you, stopping you make the final post, making a success of your side hussle

If you'd said, great idea let's get the desk he would have found a reason why it wasn't suitable I'd put money on it!

I hope you had a lovely Christmas Carol.

Thank you! Happy Christmas to you too, I think 2024 will be a great year for us all. 😀