Teen DD says I’m in a toxic relationship with DH

[carolmorederman]

This situation sounds abusive; you get to be the problem, he takes zero responsibility, you get to be judged and scrutinized but he'll never examine his own behaviour.
just saw these wise words on another relationship thread and it’s dawned on me that this is my DH. For years he blamed his boss and brought home stress.

He blamed me for not getting a job - yet I now wonder if any training I did was sabotaged. Any job I got wasn’t good enough.last year he nagged an LOT annd After a LOT of trying and courses and nagging I got a job I enjoyed but DH needed to be persuaded I should take it as it’s minimum wage. After a few months DH nagged me until I left it. it - ostensibly to persuade DD who had suddenly moved out to return. Possibly because he was being asked to do more around the house.
now my DD who is 18 and suddenly left is telling me that we are in a toxic relationship, he puts me down and I need to work on myself.
DH blames her partner for her leaving and says, ‘we’ve done nothing wrong’ when I say we must have he insists it’s all the partners scheming.
im very confused. I suspect DD has a point.
as I’ve written it here, it doesn’t sound so good. But DH works very hard and wanted always to give the kids nice things.
just confused and emotionally not sure where I am.

My goodness @DepartureLounge I almost applauded your last post. It rang bells for me about past relationships which were so bad for me (including one where I did a flit with all my stuff in suitcases and plastic bags, and just disappeared to live with a friend with a spare room until I got myself straight emotionally and otherwise.

@carolmorederman please please reread that last post. The situation you are currently in will not change until you put yourself first, and get counselling support to do that, and then quietly but inexorably get your ducks in a row to get out of the toxic relationship you really are in. 🌹

Why are you not totally hopping mad with this treatment? Why are you blaming it on your "ineptitude"? You're not inept. On the contrary, you pull this project out of the bag year after year in the face of extraordinary negativity and unkindness from the one person who should be backing you up 100%.

That was one of the most profound paragraphs ever. I cried reading that.

Op, please read this over and over again. Again if you need to.

OMG OP he is making you doubt yourself and your abilities

I've honestly had enough of this man of yours

I just want to shove him out of the door and change the locks

He is emotionally abusing you, gaslighting you

Listen to your DD

You are an amazing human being who deserves better

You should not be with anyone who puts you down even once let alone daily

This is not a healthy living relationship

You aren't inept or muddled. This man is messing with your head. It's incredibly cruel, downright evil what he's doing. You need to find your anger and dump him, because inside you, there's a capable, confident woman with a zest for life who wants to come out.

You are not inept, muddled or incompetent.

I truly hope that one day you see the harm this man is doing to you and stop making excuses for his vile treatment of you.

How many more lost family members is it going to take before you understand there's nothing wrong with you, it's all him?

Until you leave, your life is going to continue to be miserable.

I have been on your other thread, and I'm pleased you are seeing what is going on. Once you have 'seen' it, you cant unsee it. He is unlikely to change - you need to make it happen. I wish you strength and courage

Thank you so much.
we are in the middle of a very stressful situation. I sought help with a professional person today, that DH disagrees with. I’m not sure what happened exactly as it’s all been very stressful and I drank probably 3/4 bottle of wine while cooking dinner,
I know, that’s not good. I thought I was saying, ‘I don’t necessarily agree with this person’s views but they are the only way I can stay in contact with x, so I will do what they say’ DH disagrees and sat and told me ‘fuck you.’ And other choice words. What struck me was the really nasty expression on his face, as if he wanted to put as much nastiness into what he was saying as possible. He then repeated it all and went to bed.
im a bit fizzy round the edges as it’s been a very stressful day. And I really shouldn’t have drunk wine.
I don’t know how to handle this. I am willing to see I’ve done wrong, He wanted me to contact someone else - but they are ignoring me. Yesterday he said,’ you have to do what you think is right’ so I did.
I know if I was single he would be dumped. As it is I feel like I’ve been punched and I’m supposed to suck it up.
I think I’ll know what you might say. I just find it hard to see.
thank you

I know if I was single he would be dumped. As it is I feel like I’ve been punched and I’m supposed to suck it up.

You are an intelligent woman.
You know you don't have to suck it up.
Have you started counselling yet?
You need a qualified therapist to guide you out of this maze/mess!

For some reason, despite posting early on, this thread hasn't been showing in my list.

hugs you have had some amazingly helpful posters on this thread and i can see you are slowly getting there but I'm going to echo their warning. Stop drinking. It's dangerous as it numbs you and you end up dismissing/ minimising things you should be noticing which will unfortunately only prolong your agony.

Despite re-reading I feel I've missed a bit. Are you still trying to understand/salvage your marriage or are you at the next stage? Sorry for asking (and you are doing brilliantly compared to your first post ),

Thank you.
I have no idea what stage I’m at tbh. I think being told’f. You’ is pretty upsetting, but maybe was drunk, maybe I was being a cow. I don’t think I was. I think I was explaining what I’d done re the situation and he didn’t like that I’d done that and not what we’d agreed, so it’s not easy to judge who is wrong.
I’m suppose to take him coffee at 6. Not sure I want to. Pretty sure I will.

And you are right, booze is bad.

And thank you for the words of encouragement. They are very much appreciated.

Can you carve away a space in the house just for you and your activities?

If it's your space the. He has no need to enter, comment, criticise.

Also, how do you think he would respond if you say "Stop trying to undermine me"

Just remember, this is YOUR life! You don't have to run it via committee approval.

It really doesn’t matter who is “wrong” or “right” in the situation s you are describing. A marriage isn’t a court of law or a place of punishment for errors. There is no excuse for the way your dh treats you. It is mean, spiteful, manipulative, cruel and—above all—ridiculous and useless. The main goal if a healthy relationship is to help all members thrive and grow.Even if you were “behaving like a cow” you are not a cow and should not be sworn at or corrected by your husband as though you were an animal and he was your owner.

How are you doing @carolmorederman?

On your comments above... I don't think you need a business guru and please don't let him drive you to the vino. What you do need is to lose the tyrant and the drag on your self esteem and happiness - HIM. The shithead.

Little update from me, inevitably DP has been an arsehole 2 out of 3 days this weekend. It was often the weekends before at its worst. Nothing terrible, just badgering/nitpicking stuff but am so over it that whenever it happens now, I'm like right, oh I've just remembered again that I actually hate living with this person and my mood being dependent on his not being sour, this has to end. Good behaviour after an 'on thin ice' warning is nice but never lasts (knew it wouldn't).

Things need to be different for 2024 for me and you both. These arseholes are causing so much stress and wasting our precious time and lives on this earth.

Stupid thing is, I have nothing stopping me from leaving but myself .. guilt and feeling obligated.

What's your next move?

Hello! So nice to hear from you. I didn’t realize there were posts on this.
its so nice to feel thought about!
just digesting the daily row, think I need a row diary!
DH is seeing a counselor which seems to help, for a day or so at least.
got to dash, thank you for thinking of me.

Hello, back again.how are you doing mmhmm and everyone else?
re reading the thread as I am confused. I have stopped drinking, hurrah! And I am working on not being lost. I’m working using my skills in various part time jobs, which is great! I love it and am feeling my confidence growing.
Just not sure I actually like DH much.
big admission! Be gentle.
he says I’m calmer and nicer to be around since I stopped drinking.
i am seeing a coiunsellor but t not at all sure what use it is. I say something, she repeats it back at me.
sorry, very confused.

I'm glad you have come back!

I too have read your other thread, have you told the Counsellor about the jobs!

About the bullying you to get a job, followed by bullying you to leave the job?

About the 'fuck you'

About the constant criticism of your skills & the conversation with your daughter because I think that is a good place to start!

I'm not surprised you don't like him much - neither do I & I've never met him!

rockstarshoes that’s nice of you! And also wierd that it’s possible to get a view on a person through someone describing them on here. I do it myself on relationship threads, but can’t seem to do it for me.
live mentioned this stuff to counselor and she stays expressionless and repeats it back at me. What's she supposed to do?
I don’t know what it is, but I have a sort of wierd determination to ..keep on with this ? It’s like stuff seems normal,maybe it is, then easily forgotten. It’s when I look back, squinting because I’m frightened by what I might see, that I think, oh.
i think I’ve gone through..‘I’m not worth it..I’m a victim..I'm working on myself.(.and the current)..im getting more confidence and questioning. I also just ..I dunno, take no notice, where before I’d be jumping through hoops.
I’ve FINALLY realised he gets very anxious and wants other people to solve it. He sees a good counselor (i hope)

The enormity of selling then moving to..where?

I'd take anything your 18yo says with a pinch of salt.

I wonder if it would help you to start building a future without your husband, in your head. A pretty apartment or little terrace house, one bedroom for you, one for your son, and one for your art/projects with a pull-out bed for your dd when she visits.

Would it be in town so you could get to classes/work/ exhibitions? The kitchen will be tidy, it will all be decorated by you, imaginatively, because noone is saying 'thats no good' - you are proud of your little home and you enjoy keeping it looking nice for you.

And so on..Keep building this life in your head. Start living there a bit. Start researching how it will happen. Start living as though it's already decided It will be something to hold on to when he is undermining you. It's your project.

It's difficult to say - I've never had any counselling so I don't know how it works.

I think Valerie's idea is a good one!

Star thinking about about a future without him, rather than looking back!

Thanks ! It’s very nice to hear voices in the wilderness. I think that’s a good idea. And blowfish that’s reassuring. Maybe it’s just long term relationship blah.

Please don't listen to blowfish she's responded to your first post without reading the rest!

Can you speak to your daughter some more? You're 6 months down the line & noticing the toxicity yourself now - you might have a more insightful conversation now you have had time to think about things!

This is ridiculous! Stop being such a people pleaser and taje your own side in this discussion! You have had pages of good advice and blowfish comes along and dismisses your dd and you with an absolutely contemptuous one liner? Come on!

As for your counselor: tell her you want more than “active listening “ and see what she says. Or get a different one. Or try to find a support group. Or look into Smart recovery or Adult Children Of Alcoholics (if applicable to you). These might both be groups where you could find support.

And spend some time dreaming if your future as the poster said upthread.