Teen DD says I’m in a toxic relationship with DH

[carolmorederman]

This situation sounds abusive; you get to be the problem, he takes zero responsibility, you get to be judged and scrutinized but he'll never examine his own behaviour.
just saw these wise words on another relationship thread and it’s dawned on me that this is my DH. For years he blamed his boss and brought home stress.

He blamed me for not getting a job - yet I now wonder if any training I did was sabotaged. Any job I got wasn’t good enough.last year he nagged an LOT annd After a LOT of trying and courses and nagging I got a job I enjoyed but DH needed to be persuaded I should take it as it’s minimum wage. After a few months DH nagged me until I left it. it - ostensibly to persuade DD who had suddenly moved out to return. Possibly because he was being asked to do more around the house.
now my DD who is 18 and suddenly left is telling me that we are in a toxic relationship, he puts me down and I need to work on myself.
DH blames her partner for her leaving and says, ‘we’ve done nothing wrong’ when I say we must have he insists it’s all the partners scheming.
im very confused. I suspect DD has a point.
as I’ve written it here, it doesn’t sound so good. But DH works very hard and wanted always to give the kids nice things.
just confused and emotionally not sure where I am.

Thank you so much perfect that makes sense.
I didn’t know what to say to DD, but that is a good suggestion I think. Ironically she tells me that she needs more time.
I think he has been very controlling- though I think he believes he’s doing the best for us. DD says he puts me down and must always be right.

live also got some confidence back. I think I slipped into victim mode for years.
justachristian thanks, I thought of your post yesterday as I told him, ‘no,actually we don’t discuss. You go on and on till I agree with you just to stop you going on’.
I think he might have actually heard me that time - go me!

Sorry to be confusing soontobe deoarture has summed up beautifully how all training etc was sabotaged. Then people say,’why don’t you work’ as if you are a failure, further undermining your confidence.
I have various part time jobs that I had to fight to do as he didn’t think it worth my while.
To be fair, he has held it together after lots of crap. And is proud of himself, but he is knackered and in bed by 8.30. So has no energy for house running stuff.
either way it’s been difficult ( he’d pick a row as I was on my way out the door etc) and he nagged until I gave the job up. Not sure he even realizes that’s what he did.
Im now working on fixing up the house. It didn’t make sense to pay a Painter £200 a day when I was earning 60 odd. I enjoy it, the house certainly needs it it keeps DH happy, and it makes the house feel like I live in it.

also I have been on a waiting list for counseling and finally it’s come through, first session yesterday.

So…Does anyone have any knowledge of counseling?
I went in happy and came out a wreck. Is that normal? Should she have guided me to a more positive state befor I left?
I don’t particularly enjoy talking rambling nonsense, I get confused and forget what was said, which seems pointless to me.

thanks for your useful and thoughtful posts.

I went in happy and came out a wreck. Is that normal?

I would say that was well within the range of normal. You have to disturb the soil to get to the gold. In my opinion, the bulk of the value is in the thinking you will do between sessions, and the insights that will bubble up into the spaces left by that process of disarrangement. But if you find it unacceptably upsetting, then that's something to discuss with your counsellor, who can hopefully take steps to make you feel a bit safer. You shouldn't feel so wrecked that you can't cope with normal life afterwards, or not as a regular thing imo.

But bear in mind that while you may have gone in on an even keel, you did not go in happy, which is why you asked for counselling in the first place and why you're posting here. It's about learning to feel all those feelings that you may have been suppressing for a long time in order to keep the wheels on your marriage. That's obviously not going to be an easy process but it should be a worthwhile one.

@carolmorederman has nailed it re counselling. It’s absolutely not your counsellor’s job to send you away feeling happy. That would involve being superficial and artificial.

Counselling works because it makes you dig through the shit that is affecting your day-to-day functioning. It helps you identify harmful habits, thoughts and patterns. That’s why you rake through the past because that helps you identify causes for your “symptoms”
(ie how you feel and behave now). If it’s working, you are likely to feel worse before you feel better but if you have a good counsellor, it will be worth it.

This. Do what makes you happy. If you want a job then get one and if he moans about it tell him to not mention your job again as it's none of his business.

.. since I left, he has gone to elaborate lengths to "help" me get a job - which, inexplicably, involved him applying for the same job, apparently in order to thoroughly understand and therefore help me through the recruitment process. (I got it.)

Wwowww - that is truly mind-boggling bananas. The control-freakery!

That was me posting about my ex. Nobody who knows him IRL would believe it, he comes across as so reasonable. These people do such a number on you that you end up doubting what's right in front of your eyes, so thank you for the validation.

Thank you, it’s so lovely to share other stories annd other perspectives. Especially thanks for posts re counseling. ‘disturb the soil to get to the gold. In my opinion, the bulk of the value is in the thinking you will do between sessions, and the insights that will bubble up into the spaces left by that process of disarrangement’ this is so helpful departure
I guess it’s working as I keep mulling what she said. She said I need to get angry and I think too much. Getting angry has clicked and combined with the comment departure made about just feeling stuff. I NEVER let myself get angry or be fed up with the kids ( when younger)DH doesn’t approve) It’s exhilarating be cross!
As I said, my job at the mo. Is painting outside the house. It’s 3 days now and..not a single well done. Lots of how I should , why I shouldn’t. I was all confidence and motivated. Losing that now.

Hello, just re reading this. I’m so confused. He has, in the past, been awful. Now he seems ok.
seeing counselor this morning. Just feeling odd I guess.
thanks

I believe that's a fairly common pattern if you start to push back - they realise they've gone a bit far and have to tone it down a little to stop you leaving. Just for as long as it takes to lull you into a false sense of things being ok...

Thanks Una. Very confused. And tired!

Do you look after yourself physically, @carolmorederman? When you're in a toxic relationship you tend to find coping mechanisms, and many of the common ones can make us feel worse on an ongoing basis even though they make us feel better in the moment, e.g. overeating, drinking too much alcohol, sleeping too much or staying up too late, or (ahem) spending too much time noodling around on the internet and then feeling bad about it. I just wondered if you'd feel less tired and clearer about things if you had a bit of a detox/digital detox/took up a form of exercise or some kind of meditation/mindfulness training. Something you could do for yourself while you try to decide what to do about him.

Thanks departure! Again you are spot on. Too much alcohol and poor food ( just grab some bread). And yes, just realized I stare at Pinterest where I used to journal, read, doodle etc.
you really are helpful, thank you. It seems like you’ve been exactly where I am. I’m glad you’re sorted

Your daughter is probably right.

This has brought back a memory from many years ago. I was chatting to my oldest child (then 4) about medals. He said his grandparents could have 3, I could have 3 but Daddy would "only get 1 medal, as he is so grumpy".

It's very hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

Push on! When you see yourself numbing out with drink, poor food, instagram etc… stop and ask if you would want your child to use the same coping mechanisms? These are all ways of dissociating and avoiding reality—but just as you can’t drive a car while drunk or texting you can’t drive your life that way. You can’t go where you need to go safely if you are dulling yourself to escape the pain. So shake your shoulders, stand up straight, and take care if yourself!

Thanks all. I’ve read the thread about 5 times! I’m making myself eat a proper lunch with veg. And have cut out the wine and am saying encouraging things to myself. I recorded counseling session and wI’ll work through it again later.
I’m scared of thinking about the past as it is massive, and scary to confront.
thank you!

Nope, all gone down hill again.
DH cross because I haven’t done x and y and x.he leaves with a list of tasks for me to do, it seems whatever I’ve done isn’t right. I am guilty of procrastinating, I think perhaps because of that. It feels easier to hide, but of course it isn’t - I’m still in the same stickiness I’ve been in for years. I thought I was moving on, but he’s come in stressed and tired and I’m responsible because he’s too busy and at work.
it goes..feel like we are getting on!
I take a day (like today) and really get on top of house etc. feel like I’m achieving!
DH comes in tir3d and cross
i get super anxious and open the wine.
we kind of make up, and so it goes.
what can I do- that’s not leaving him. Too difficult.

What can you do?

DP the freedom programme get yourself a private counsellor and work on yourself

it does sound like you are in a highly toxic anf abusive relationship - do you want things to be different? You have to work on yourself as he won’t change

Thanks for getting back to me peace
you are not the first to say this - but I thought he’d mellowed a lot. I did go to woman’s aid years ago, but the other women had such harrowing tales - it didn’t feel as if I was in the right place.
he gets tired and cross. And resentful because I’m not working currently. But when I do work it’s somehow not right either, as departure lounge explains so well.
thank you.

@carolmorederman have you got a friend you could go and stay with? Someone who doesn't live too nearby? I think it would really do you good to be away from this man for a bit and see if the way ahead for you becomes a bit clearer, under a different roof with different company.

Hello deoarture thanks for getting back to me.
No no one to stay with. Did have mum but that was often a battle to get there.
I had 2 weeks away with DS in summer which was great for feeling free, but I suspect I’m getting sucked down again - just realised I’m getting confused as to what I think again.
I am realizing I find DH exhausting- there seems to always be something to get stressed about. It feels like he gets grumpy if I’m not stressed about it too.
He is super busy at work (again). It means he is exhausted and grumpy. He says he can’t do X as he works all the time.
Im scared to admit this, but I think if I do it, I’ll get it wrong and still get told off. It means I find it difficult to take action. which of course, makes him grumpy.
obviously this is just my pov. And very condensed. I’m missing out the nice bits.

Look up codependency. You are the helper/servant and he is the more powerful dominator/master. You have to pay attention to what he needs snd wants and he pays attention to what you do for him.

That gives you a lot of busywork and also meaning—you seem to be very necessary—but in reality its demeaning since you don’t set your own standards or choose your own goals.

You are in a downward spiral—the drinking has a logic and a direction which degrades your ability to defend yourself and it will ultimately destroy you.

You are in just as much trouble as anyone else on ghe freedom program. Get help.

Thank you pikkummyy I did wonder. I find that articles online about co dependency seem to be a bit more extreme though, so I’m never sure.

@carolmorederman

This all sounds so destabilising mentally for you - why do you stay? Can you envision that your life might be a happier place for you without him in it? Your daughter sees the situation you are in very clearly.

Is there anyone who can support you when/if you are able to decide you can't stay with him any more.

Have you researched what benefits you might be entitled to - even as a theoretical exercise? Eg: Citizens Advice, www.entitledto.co.uk, etc. 🌹

Hi newestname I think I’m very scared to look at this, in case it is crap.
no, nowhere to go.
it might not be crap. I don’t know!

Can I ask what’s this all about?
DH will go on and on for me to do something I find difficult or don’t want to do. I finally capitulated and said I’d do it today and he says,’no, I don’t think you should.’
live realsied this is a pattern. It completely swerves me.