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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think DH stole DD money maybe

105 replies

hevs03 · 28/07/2023 09:14

I don't know if this is the right group to put this in, I'm in a real quandary and I really don't know how to tackle the issue and I'm hoping that someone out there reading this may be able to offer some advice?
DD who is 19 had some money in a drawer on Wednesday evening, yesterday evening some of the money (£25 ) was gone, there were 4 people in the house at different stages yesterday, myself before and after work, DD until the afternoon, DD's best friend who had stayed over and DH who is currently not working so was in the house all day until 7 when he went to visit a friend.
This is not the first time this has happened where money left out has disappeared and I suspected DH before although I hated myself for doing so, however money just doesn't disappear into thin air so someone has taken it and DD believes it was DH, as her best friend was always with her and she just doesn't believe her friend would take it.
I raised it with DH by text last night when he was still out at his friends and DD had realised the money had gone, and he was angry that once again money had gone missing, I didn't accuse him in the text message just simply stated that the money was no longer there.
I can't get the image of DD's face out of my head when she came to the conclusion that her own Dad has possibly stolen from her.
We need to discuss this further today at some point and I just don't know how to tackle it, for context DH has been out of work for some time which means he has no money of his own and last month when I gave him my debit card to get something from the shop, he used it to buy cigarettes without telling me, I only realised when I was looking at my bank statement online and saw a transaction I didn't recognise, I asked him about it and he admitted what he had done and apologised, I'm really anti smoking and hate that he smokes, I refuse to buy them or give him the money for them. So in light of that I do wonder if he saw the money in the drawer yesterday and took it for whatever reason?
He is not a horrible man and of course it could be DD best friend who took it, I just don't know, and I don't know how to best deal with this.

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 09:15

Op

whatever the outcome - this marriage is dead in the water.

Draconis · 28/07/2023 09:24

I think his reaction is telling. If this happened in my house, dh would be annoyed that I'd text him that on a night out because 'the money is somewhere! Dd obviously forgot where she put it' etc.
of course, it could be the friend too but you seem to have reasons for your suspicions.

If it is him, then your dh needs to admit he's taken the money otherwise there's nowhere to go with that's not the end of the relationship.
How awful for you and Dd.

Hoppinggreen · 28/07/2023 09:25

Why isn’t he working would be a more important question.
Even if you can never know 100% the fact that both you and DD see this as a possibility is very damning - it would never occur to me that DH had taken money (despite the fact that I grew up in a house where this happened).
Neither of you can ever respect or trust him and I think both of your relationships with him are irreparable

Ladyoftheknight · 28/07/2023 09:33

It was obviously him. Not working, using your money for something you've set a boundary with, secrecy, his reaction.

Do you really want to stay with a man you're bankrolling, while he steals from your kid?

RaidFlySpray · 28/07/2023 09:36

Even if it wasn't him, you and your DD both think he's capable of taking it. That is so so sad OP.

Original poster
hevs03 · 28/07/2023 09:38

DH has been out of work for a few months due to anxiety and depression, he is actively seeking work I will give him that and had an interview a couple of weeks ago, we have been married and together a long time and overall we are happy but it's a bloody horrible situation and it's hard to know what to do or what to say, although I will add that my DD comes first and I will always support her above anyone else. DH was annoyed in his text response last night, stating if he finds out who is stealing he will not hold back in telling them. He is a lovely man and a good Dad and I hate that I suspect him, I do also suspect DD friend which again I hate doing. I have no concrete proof at all, so it's a mess and potentially opens up a tin of worms one way or another.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 28/07/2023 09:40

Years ago we had several incidents of money missing. Dp blamed my ds. Looking back I can't believe I was accusing the wrong one. .
My dp wasn't working either. And went nuts money was missing.

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/07/2023 09:41

I guess there is a lot missing here . He isn’t working so it is joint money - you are determining if he can buy cigarettes or not - this feels like financial abuse - he is a grown man - but why is he not working?
either way I would get Dd a lockable tin - she shouldn’t have to but seems needs this

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/07/2023 09:43

He’s out of work and has ‘no money of his own’ and you gave him your debit card…I mean that all just feels off to me. It’s like you’re treating him as a teenager.

You haven’t given details of what the relationship is like, but if we assume for now that there’s no big back story then surely it’s financial abuse if he has no means of accessing money without your knowledge and permission?

In that situation I wouldn’t be surprised if he did take some money. He is a grown man and needs equality…I’d never make my DH feel he has to ask me for money if he was without.

Motnight · 28/07/2023 09:44

Dd's friend literally has DD as her alibi.

It's your DH, Op.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 09:45

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 28/07/2023 09:40

Years ago we had several incidents of money missing. Dp blamed my ds. Looking back I can't believe I was accusing the wrong one. .
My dp wasn't working either. And went nuts money was missing.

Presumably you left him after he accused your son?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/07/2023 09:46

If you reversed the genders here:

’I (female) don’t have a job and don’t have access to money unless my DH gives me his card. He also determines whether I am allowed to buy (eg) chocolate or not because he thinks it’s bad for my health as I’m overweight, so he won’t give me any money for this.’

We’d all be screaming out financial abuse.

WeWereInParis · 28/07/2023 09:46

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 09:15

Op

whatever the outcome - this marriage is dead in the water.

I agree.

Either he's stealing from his daughter, or he isn't but his wife and daughter think he's capable of it and don't trust him.

And then, aside from the stealing, he is out of work but actively looking/going to interviews, and yet it sounds like he has no access to any joint money.

Clearly there are serious issues with trust around money. And if those are justified then there's a problem, but there's also a problem if they aren't.

Scienceadvisory · 28/07/2023 09:47

Are you struggling to pat the bills? Because if not, and given your dh is trying to find work, you sound financially controlling. Surely money should be shared and you shouldn't dictate what he spends his on.

HopelessEstateAgents · 28/07/2023 09:49

It does sound like the DH needs to get a temp job in Tescos or similar. But also why doesn't he have access to money?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/07/2023 09:52

If he's off work sick and you are long term partners I don't think he should have no money at all for himself... that would make anyone's depression worse.

But of course stealing is wrong.

mrsm43s · 28/07/2023 09:55

Scienceadvisory · 28/07/2023 09:47

Are you struggling to pat the bills? Because if not, and given your dh is trying to find work, you sound financially controlling. Surely money should be shared and you shouldn't dictate what he spends his on.

I thought exactly this.

He should have equal access to all family money and should be able to make his own choices as to what it is spent on (with, of course, the caveat that bills and essential expenditure come first).

lking12 · 28/07/2023 10:03

I know it’s the principal of the thing but walking away from a marriage for £25 seems excessive given the context of a depressed, anxious spouse who is not earning.
It could have been her friend, it could simply be misplaced? Unless DH admits it’s so hard to know.
Ask him but then I’d leave it tbh. Set the boundary it’s not okay for money to go missing/be taken and everyone needs to be careful with it. His reaction strikes me as someone who is annoyed at the carelessness of people misplacing money.

After that move on, and I’d review your financial set up to make sure DH has fair access to money and doesn’t need to go begging!

Appleofmyeye2023 · 28/07/2023 10:03

If this was around the other way, they’d be a lot of noise about financial abuse

A marriage is about joint resources . If one of you is not able to work or not working then joint assets cover that. You will almost certainly have to massively adjust budgets, but it is a shared burden

i know this- I had to go back to work and support my now exh for 14 years when he didn’t work at all. So, I’m not saying this is comparatively, there were times when I deeply resented it, even though it was mostly mental illness, but whilst married that’s what has to happen

to make that work, you have to have joint account and then each have your own account. You are completely disenfranchising your dh by making him ask for money and you controlling what he spends it on. Sure, smiling is nasty and expensive - but he isn’t going to quit because you tell him to or deprive him of m9ney. You need to be paying money into his personal account as personal allowance each month- what he does with that is entirely his business. You have same personal allowance .then everything else go3s into joint which you both have card access to and pay for all the essentials needs plus stuff you’ve mutually agreed as wants (holiday etc) if there’s enough

if you, Op, don’t want to share your income as a family, then why are you married? I’d be looking at divorcing but remember that “fair settlement” would leave him better off and you worse off than you are now. Think very carefully.

stop with what is financial abuse - or get out of marriage.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 28/07/2023 10:04

Smoking not smiling 🤦‍♀️

caringcarer · 28/07/2023 10:11

If previously there were 2 wages coming in no w only one I'm thinking OP has to keep every penny to pay the bills so no money left to be wasted on cigarettes. He has already broken OP trust once recently by taking money for cigarettes. Obviously on that occasion there was a paper trail so he couldn't lie himself out of it. If your DD says she was with her df every moment, and did this friend even know this money would be there anyway, then it's obvious your DH, who most likely knew this money was there, and took it, putting his own needs first. Remember nicotine is addictive. Both you and DD suspect he did this. The question is can DD forgive her Dad? Can you? £25 is a small amount to end a marriage over but if he took it, which it sounds like he is capable of, then he's lying to you both too. You have to decide if you can live with him in the knowledge he's a thief and a liar? Either way get your dd a cash box with a combination lock and don't let her use birth dates or anything he can guess as the code. A good idea for a code is to pick a place e.g. Leeds, then look up the telephone dialing code for that area and use those numbers. If you forget you can just look it up again.

2bazookas · 28/07/2023 10:14

Why did you mention the theft by text? It would have been far better done face to face at home when DD was present. You'd have learned a lot by his facial reaction/body language.

Original poster
hevs03 · 28/07/2023 10:16

I just about manage to make ends meet with my wages, but there isn't a lot left over before the next pay day, usually around £30. I pay for everything. I've never thought that I am financially abusing DH I really haven't, we each have our own bank account because when we had a joint bank account where all of the bills came out of DH would more often than not put his wages into that account but then spend them all on a night out, often going back to the cash machine after midnight to take out more. He also put an overdraft on to that account despite me asking him not to and if I cancelled the overdraft he put it back in place until it got to the limit that the bank would allow, he then opened his own account and told me afterwards. I paid the overdraft £1600 off in instalments and had to open up my own account in order to have the bills / direct debits get paid. He has always been rubbish with money, burns a hole in his pocket, he has always been self employed so cash in hand way back when we got together and it's outdoor work so he often wasn't able to work due to the weather. It has been hard but we've muddled through, he never goes without but he also never often asks for anything. I do take on board every one's opinions, thank you for responding it has given me some clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
hevs03 · 28/07/2023 10:19

@2bazookas He was out last night visiting his friend and then taking his friend to the hospital as friends young son is currently in hospital unwell. I was tired and wanted to go to bed slightly earlier than usual so I sent the text as an instant reaction really and because I wasn't sure if I would be up when he got back in.

OP posts:
Balloonsandroses · 28/07/2023 10:23

My goodness. This is a mess. I’m currently off work with depression and we continue to have completely joint finances and have equal rights to decide what we spend money on - just as we have when my husband’s been earning a lot less than me. I’d be mortified and miserable if I had no access to money and beyond mortified if my partner and child accused me of stealing. If you really don’t trust him to that extent and it’s not just in the context of illness I think you need to think about the future of your marriage. FWIW the assumption in our house if this happened would be that the money had been misplaced rather than that someone had stolen it. What a very sad situation.