Think DH stole DD money maybe

[hevs03]

I don't know if this is the right group to put this in, I'm in a real quandary and I really don't know how to tackle the issue and I'm hoping that someone out there reading this may be able to offer some advice?
DD who is 19 had some money in a drawer on Wednesday evening, yesterday evening some of the money (£25 ) was gone, there were 4 people in the house at different stages yesterday, myself before and after work, DD until the afternoon, DD's best friend who had stayed over and DH who is currently not working so was in the house all day until 7 when he went to visit a friend.
This is not the first time this has happened where money left out has disappeared and I suspected DH before although I hated myself for doing so, however money just doesn't disappear into thin air so someone has taken it and DD believes it was DH, as her best friend was always with her and she just doesn't believe her friend would take it.
I raised it with DH by text last night when he was still out at his friends and DD had realised the money had gone, and he was angry that once again money had gone missing, I didn't accuse him in the text message just simply stated that the money was no longer there.
I can't get the image of DD's face out of my head when she came to the conclusion that her own Dad has possibly stolen from her.
We need to discuss this further today at some point and I just don't know how to tackle it, for context DH has been out of work for some time which means he has no money of his own and last month when I gave him my debit card to get something from the shop, he used it to buy cigarettes without telling me, I only realised when I was looking at my bank statement online and saw a transaction I didn't recognise, I asked him about it and he admitted what he had done and apologised, I'm really anti smoking and hate that he smokes, I refuse to buy them or give him the money for them. So in light of that I do wonder if he saw the money in the drawer yesterday and took it for whatever reason?
He is not a horrible man and of course it could be DD best friend who took it, I just don't know, and I don't know how to best deal with this.

From your latest post, I think it's clear that he has stolen the money (he's impulsive, broke, sneaky, and has a nictotine addiction). I'm sure he has lots of positive qualities too, and the saddest thing is the lying.

I don't think it's financial abuse to be upset about frivolous spending when everything is so tight (and wouldn't have been so tight if he hadn't have frittered so much money over the years). I knew a couple where the husband was taking money out of joint finances for £10s worth of junk food daily when at home they could barely cover rent and the wife thought they were in the boat together, and that nearly ended things for them.

The route forward together is having clear boundaries over spending joint finances, get on the same page about things, but be prepared to have a plan if he continues not to take these boundaries seriously.

I don't understand why he "doesn't have any money of his own" just because he isn't working. Why do you have money and he doesn't? That sounds a little like financial abuse?

The update about his financial recklessness would be enough for me to be running out the door! The £25 is a minor matter in comparison, he is jeopardising your family's finances and future security. I would certainly be considering ending the relationship, you'll be no worse off

Ignore this. Crossposted with your post above. It's not financial abuse if neither of you have disposable income. It sounded from your first post as if you give him money for himself but ration it and tell him what he can and can't spend it on.

In the meantime, get the bairn a lockable doorknob for her room so she can lock it when she goes out.

He's needs to get a job.

“So I stole money from my daughter to feed my addiction”
Not sure anyone would be supporting that

OP ignore pp suggesting that this is financial abuse, it's nothing of the sort! Its a case of a man who is and has preciously been very financially irresponsible and is a proven liar! I think you know that he definitely stole from your daughter! You and your dd deserve better than this irresponsible, selfish man-child and would most probably be far happier and less stressed without him in your lives!

Who was in the house the penultimate time money disappeared? Where was your DDs friend at that time?

@RenovationNightmare yes DD's friend was in the house yesterday, the money was in a drawer in sideboard unit downstairs, she very rarely comes downstairs on her own, tends to be with DD, they hole up in the bedroom and appear together when hungry etc. Not to say she didn't come downstairs etc. I wasn't here as I was at work and I didn't think to ask DD when we discussing this last night.

God I can’t believe folks are blaming the op. Of course it’s not financial abuse. Good lord. The man is stealing from his own family. Even his own child and lying about it.

I think that @RenovationNightmare was referring to the time before when money went missing ie who was in the house then?

How would she know where it was or even have the time to go rifling, find it and steal it. She wouldn’t. Your husband stole it then went out with his mate. Prob spent it on fags, maybe booze on the way

That's right @SophiaElizabethGrace, I want to know who was in the house the penultimate time money disappeared.

"He was out last night visiting his friend and then taking his friend to the hospital as friends young son is currently in hospital unwell"

This jumps out at me. In this position, my DH would buy a small gift for his friend's child and a coffee, at least, for his friend and whoever else was visiting. Maybe your DH felt humiliated at the prospect of getting to the hospital but having no money for the typical things people buy when they're there. I don't know any men who wouldn't be mortified by being in that situation. Did you have a conversation about how he was going to navigate doing something that can be quite expensive with absolutely zero to spend?

@hevs03 do you think in DH head he ‘borrowed the money’ meant to sort it out - it’s been discovered and he’s freaked out and doubled down on the lie?

I'd call his bluff and tell him that dd is going to accuse her friend and contact the police: if that doesn't cause him to confess , nothing will.

If you think you are being financially abused you leave, you don't steal and lie and blame other people. Thieving off his daughter to buys cigarettes is low life behaviour. Absolutely stunned by all the people making excuses for him.

Its the OP who being financially abused, forced to support a man who could easily find some work but would rather steal. Get rid of him, he'll find work sharpish once he realises how much he'll get on universal credit.

Realistically though, he should go to his GP for nicotine patches etc prescriptions, as if he’s off for anxiety and depression quitting smoking cold turkey is unlikely, if he was previously a smoker. It’s more likely to work out if you agree on cheapest brand and set amount a day. Or better he does one afternoon shift close to fund it. It depends how unwell he is and how much he smoked before

What part after all bills are paid she has 30 pounds a month left, means she can afford a pack of cigs for 12 quid?

so bemused by folks trying to justify this man’s awful behaviour.

You can get packs of the cheapest tobacco that cost much, much cheaper. And I said he should get at least half a days work if he’s able to fund it, depending on his health, and nicotine patches etc. It’s just being realistic that stopping cold turkey if he’s been out for anxiety and depression, I didn’t say it was OP’s fault nor that he should be praised.

In fact I agree that if he bought actual cigarettes he’s out of touch clearly. So I’m not defending him, just saying kicking the habit wouldn’t be realistic if long term smoker if genuine burn out rn. So he needs to adapt.

Why is he "actively seeking work"? What happened to his previous job?

Don't be ridiculous. Read the OP's posts.

But what would your feelings be if you had been a financial mismanager? This woman's husband is. So she has to be controlling to be able to pay the bills.

Yes I agree