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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think DH stole DD money maybe

105 replies

hevs03 · 28/07/2023 09:14

I don't know if this is the right group to put this in, I'm in a real quandary and I really don't know how to tackle the issue and I'm hoping that someone out there reading this may be able to offer some advice?
DD who is 19 had some money in a drawer on Wednesday evening, yesterday evening some of the money (£25 ) was gone, there were 4 people in the house at different stages yesterday, myself before and after work, DD until the afternoon, DD's best friend who had stayed over and DH who is currently not working so was in the house all day until 7 when he went to visit a friend.
This is not the first time this has happened where money left out has disappeared and I suspected DH before although I hated myself for doing so, however money just doesn't disappear into thin air so someone has taken it and DD believes it was DH, as her best friend was always with her and she just doesn't believe her friend would take it.
I raised it with DH by text last night when he was still out at his friends and DD had realised the money had gone, and he was angry that once again money had gone missing, I didn't accuse him in the text message just simply stated that the money was no longer there.
I can't get the image of DD's face out of my head when she came to the conclusion that her own Dad has possibly stolen from her.
We need to discuss this further today at some point and I just don't know how to tackle it, for context DH has been out of work for some time which means he has no money of his own and last month when I gave him my debit card to get something from the shop, he used it to buy cigarettes without telling me, I only realised when I was looking at my bank statement online and saw a transaction I didn't recognise, I asked him about it and he admitted what he had done and apologised, I'm really anti smoking and hate that he smokes, I refuse to buy them or give him the money for them. So in light of that I do wonder if he saw the money in the drawer yesterday and took it for whatever reason?
He is not a horrible man and of course it could be DD best friend who took it, I just don't know, and I don't know how to best deal with this.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 20:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 20:04

Yes I agree

Show quote history

Would you also condone this hypothetical woman stealing from her own daughter?

InSpainTheRain · 28/07/2023 20:10

Put £30 in a drawer with a camera on it. At least you will know if you still have a marriage. Sorry OP but not looking good.

Anothernamethesamegame · 28/07/2023 20:17

Sounds like your guy instinct is that your DH took it and gut instinct are often correct. Often they are based on past experience with that person and it seems your past experience with DH is that he isn’t responsible with money.

It’s telling that your DD believes it is Dh too isn’t it?!

Does DH not get job seekers or any income of his own?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/07/2023 00:17

You should have put how awfully he's behaved with money in your OP. How long are you going to carry this man for? Never mind whether he stole the money. Funny how it went missing and he went out. Seems to me your dd has the measure of him.

Spanky123 · 29/07/2023 00:28

Op have you looked in the mirror?

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 00:30

Is it possible that the daughter has lied and said the money is missing to either cause trouble between you and her husband or she wasted the money and was hoping if she said it was stolen then you would give her the money to compensate?

It can't be ruled out, can it?

Spanky123 · 29/07/2023 00:43

Nothing should be ruled out...

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 03:58

Janieforever · 28/07/2023 12:11

God I can’t believe folks are blaming the op. Of course it’s not financial abuse. Good lord. The man is stealing from his own family. Even his own child and lying about it.

There can be two separate issues you know! Stealing from his daughter is appalling. And it sounds like he isn’t great with money generally. But he is still being financially abused as OP doesn’t allow him access to joint money.

Geppili · 29/07/2023 04:07

Its him. I bet he is smoking more than tobacco with his friend. Sting him with a bait of cash and a camera. Then divorce him.

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/07/2023 04:13

The joint account/overdraft shenanigans alone would be enough for me to want to end this relationship.

Op , I've lived with a financially incontinent husband. It's absolute hell. Unfortunately I think your marriage is over.

Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 04:22

There is no way I could be happily married to a man who would empty the joint account to pay for a night out, or repeatedly set up an overdraft I cancelled so he could go out knowing it was creating debt I would pay. That would kill my love stone dead.

SilverArch · 29/07/2023 04:48

hevs03 · 28/07/2023 10:16

I just about manage to make ends meet with my wages, but there isn't a lot left over before the next pay day, usually around £30. I pay for everything. I've never thought that I am financially abusing DH I really haven't, we each have our own bank account because when we had a joint bank account where all of the bills came out of DH would more often than not put his wages into that account but then spend them all on a night out, often going back to the cash machine after midnight to take out more. He also put an overdraft on to that account despite me asking him not to and if I cancelled the overdraft he put it back in place until it got to the limit that the bank would allow, he then opened his own account and told me afterwards. I paid the overdraft £1600 off in instalments and had to open up my own account in order to have the bills / direct debits get paid. He has always been rubbish with money, burns a hole in his pocket, he has always been self employed so cash in hand way back when we got together and it's outdoor work so he often wasn't able to work due to the weather. It has been hard but we've muddled through, he never goes without but he also never often asks for anything. I do take on board every one's opinions, thank you for responding it has given me some clarity.

And with this kind of history some do-gooders think she should let him have unfettered access to her bank account while she is covering all the costs and scraping for money.

I don't think your husband is intrinsically honest from what you have said. He does not sound the type of man who would give the money back if he got too much change or hand in lost property he found. This was a quality that was vitally important to me in a partner and I can confidently say my husband has never broken that trust.

In the meantime your DD needs to get a bank account and a card with a PIN she discloses to nobody else or at least keep the money under lock and key in another hiding place.

RantyAnty · 29/07/2023 05:05

Oh course he took it. He had a night out and likely spent it on fags and booze.

Why is DD putting money in a drawer like that?

She needs to keep it in her wallet in her bag in a safe place in her room.

Is he getting treatment for anxiety and depression?

RantyAnty · 29/07/2023 05:07

Is the DD working too?

I'd be giving the thieving cocklodger the boot if he doesn't get a basic job soon.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 05:19

StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 10:25

From your latest post, I think it's clear that he has stolen the money (he's impulsive, broke, sneaky, and has a nictotine addiction). I'm sure he has lots of positive qualities too, and the saddest thing is the lying.

I don't think it's financial abuse to be upset about frivolous spending when everything is so tight (and wouldn't have been so tight if he hadn't have frittered so much money over the years). I knew a couple where the husband was taking money out of joint finances for £10s worth of junk food daily when at home they could barely cover rent and the wife thought they were in the boat together, and that nearly ended things for them.

The route forward together is having clear boundaries over spending joint finances, get on the same page about things, but be prepared to have a plan if he continues not to take these boundaries seriously.

Agree.

If he's not working and contributing, he doesn't deserve frivolous spending money.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 05:21

FeigningConcern · 28/07/2023 10:27

I don't understand why he "doesn't have any money of his own" just because he isn't working. Why do you have money and he doesn't? That sounds a little like financial abuse?

Prioritizing paying bills vs frivolous spending is not "financial abuse." If he wants money for going out, he can get a job.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 29/07/2023 05:25

My mum used to do this . Steal from me. No matter how much i hid the money she would always " borrow " it . Never owned up until questioned
It does leave a stain of which you can never trust.
I am not trusting still to this day of money and people.
It's horrible to live like this but I've been moved out 26 years and don't trust people around my money
If which isn't much. If I'm at work I take my purse to the toilet
I'd sort this now. It's no way to live

3luckystars · 29/07/2023 05:35

It sounds like things are really tight and your husband hasn’t a penny to his name.
Im so sorry you are having to deal with so much, and you daughter must be very upset. That’s hard.

I hope this thread gives you good advice, all the very best.

OssieShowman · 29/07/2023 15:58

Sending him a text has given him time to concoct a story Better to deal with it face to face, instant reaction,

AutumnCrow · 29/07/2023 16:52

Spanky123 · 29/07/2023 00:28

Op have you looked in the mirror?

Do you think she's a vampire?

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2023 17:26

FeigningConcern · 28/07/2023 10:27

I don't understand why he "doesn't have any money of his own" just because he isn't working. Why do you have money and he doesn't? That sounds a little like financial abuse?

Read the OP's posts

Because he's reckless with money and the OP has bailed him out before

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2023 17:28

Aprilx · 29/07/2023 03:58

There can be two separate issues you know! Stealing from his daughter is appalling. And it sounds like he isn’t great with money generally. But he is still being financially abused as OP doesn’t allow him access to joint money.

Show quote history

Isn't great?

If he had access to a joint account she was solely filling they'd be bankrupt!

And there is no 'spare'. Doesn't sound like the OP is living the high life!

Clarabell77 · 29/07/2023 17:45

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/07/2023 09:46

If you reversed the genders here:

’I (female) don’t have a job and don’t have access to money unless my DH gives me his card. He also determines whether I am allowed to buy (eg) chocolate or not because he thinks it’s bad for my health as I’m overweight, so he won’t give me any money for this.’

We’d all be screaming out financial abuse.

I agree and I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy.

Clarabell77 · 29/07/2023 17:49

Clarabell77 · 29/07/2023 17:45

I agree and I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy.

Show quote history

Just read the OP update about the overdraft and joint account, totally changed my mind, he’s not to be trusted.

Duckingella · 29/07/2023 18:01

So the OP is married to an irresponsible arse who spends money as soon as it was there and had to shut down their joint account as he was spaffing money they didn't have on things that were self indulgent.

He ran up debts the OP had to help pay and at the moment they are only just scraping by on OP's wage.

It's not the first time money has disappeared;he likes to spend money on shit and has no job at the moment;who's the likely culprit?;him.

And yes I'd be upset about the cigarettes too;cigarettes are expensive.

Is he not claiming Job seekers allowance etc?

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