Think DH stole DD money maybe

[hevs03]

I don't know if this is the right group to put this in, I'm in a real quandary and I really don't know how to tackle the issue and I'm hoping that someone out there reading this may be able to offer some advice?
DD who is 19 had some money in a drawer on Wednesday evening, yesterday evening some of the money (£25 ) was gone, there were 4 people in the house at different stages yesterday, myself before and after work, DD until the afternoon, DD's best friend who had stayed over and DH who is currently not working so was in the house all day until 7 when he went to visit a friend.
This is not the first time this has happened where money left out has disappeared and I suspected DH before although I hated myself for doing so, however money just doesn't disappear into thin air so someone has taken it and DD believes it was DH, as her best friend was always with her and she just doesn't believe her friend would take it.
I raised it with DH by text last night when he was still out at his friends and DD had realised the money had gone, and he was angry that once again money had gone missing, I didn't accuse him in the text message just simply stated that the money was no longer there.
I can't get the image of DD's face out of my head when she came to the conclusion that her own Dad has possibly stolen from her.
We need to discuss this further today at some point and I just don't know how to tackle it, for context DH has been out of work for some time which means he has no money of his own and last month when I gave him my debit card to get something from the shop, he used it to buy cigarettes without telling me, I only realised when I was looking at my bank statement online and saw a transaction I didn't recognise, I asked him about it and he admitted what he had done and apologised, I'm really anti smoking and hate that he smokes, I refuse to buy them or give him the money for them. So in light of that I do wonder if he saw the money in the drawer yesterday and took it for whatever reason?
He is not a horrible man and of course it could be DD best friend who took it, I just don't know, and I don't know how to best deal with this.

So much going on here. Are you getting help from UC? Joint application as you are a couple. Might help bridge the gap between jobs.
Can dd get a motion camera for her room, linked to her phone? They are small, very cheap and easy to hide.
I may have missed it, is dh going to his gp for advice and support?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

That is awful if he has taken it but that aside, he absolutely needs access to his own money.

How would you feel if you were out of work and the only one in the house with absolutely no access to any money, unless you asked permission and spent it on something approved by your spouse? That is just not on.

Good one - but see my next comment after reading subsequent updates from OP.

why isn't he working. leave him

I would normally agree but a previous post op said she has to be careful with money to pay all the bills and only has 30 a month left

I'm not the OP but if myself or my husband had the same issue it'd be £15 each or we choose what it goes to together. I appreciate not everyone has the "family money" set up, but I really can't imagine what it feels like to be an adult and not have a penny to spend at all without permission.

Your DH has a motive of sorts? Whereas your DD's friend was around your DD all the time and unless she has her own money worries probably does not have a motive.
Your DH feels devalued because he has no money of his own. He met his friend who suggested a drink or something, and he didn't want to admit to having no money. His text reply was angry because that is how he is supposed to act. That's just a possible situation, maybe not right! And in no way acceptable behaviour of course.

I imagine that the OP sees the £30 as a safety net for any unplanned expenses that will inevitably crop up before her next salary hits her bank account, for when something breaks / packs up. They don't have enough income right now for either of them to have it as pocket money.

How long has he been out of work and does he have money of his own? I agree that he should have some money of his own, the dynamic where he could ask for money but you could veto it because you object to the purchase cigarettes is unhealthy.

Given his past behaviour it’s probably him and if you don’t confront him then he will do it again and again. He isn’t rubbish with money he’s reckless and entitled which explains why he took the money, How convenient that your daughter’s best friend was there for probable denial ability.

You need to address this OP, I totally get the rationale of having financial control when you partner is reckless and entitled but the knock on effect, is the unhealthy parent/child dynamic you have now. Everyone knowing it’s him stealing but no one calling him out. How can you look your daughter in the eye knowing she lives with someone who steals from her and there being no consequences.

The path of least resistance of parenting an adult always has a price.

How exactly can he have his own money if they have 30 quid a month left after bills. Do people not understand just how tight that is? She can’t magic money that doesn’t exist. And nothing justifies robbing your own wife and daughter.

so bemused at these answers.

I'd go and get a ruddy job

so many arse wipey posts on this thread man.

That's a valid point

Of course he fucking stole it. And it’s not the first time he’s done it.

This situation is terrible for you, OP. But I think you need to be careful.

I agree with the PP who was asking questions. My question is, does your DD typically keep her money in the sideboard or other public places? Most DC keep their money in their bedrooms.

Thinking about alternatives, it seems possible she is worried that her friend took the money but at that age it is terrible to accuse your friend. So one could say the money was in a public place without thinking through what that would mean. Or as someone mentioned, at that age it is by no means unheard of to claim money is gone just because you need more. This sounds awful to a parent but I’ll bet many more DC have done it than you would guess, and turned out fine.

I can’t promise your DH is innocent but I remember the misdemeanours of my apparently angelic girl gang well enough to urge caution. We all swore innocence, and our parents were glad to believe us. Within a couple of years we had all become genuinely upright.

PS I agree the current set up sounds difficult for your DH, but the previous one must have been hell for you. I have no ideas on that, sadly.

I think that given this money is your DD's, you're going to have to set an example here.

And that certainly is making sure that he has no access to her money in future. If he can take from his own child, he's a maggot of the lowest kind.

He needs to sort himself out and get a job, and I'd put a timeframe on it.

I agree with this.
If he isn't working and he smokes that money even though you hate it comes out the the household money. This is financial abuse.
If he has "no money of his own" ... How is he able to buy things honestly ?

Maybe he should go out and earn some then?

He sounds like a cocklodger

Nah! There simply isn't any spare money for him to spend on himself. Right now, there isn't any 'household' money, only housekeeping money.

His basic needs are being met in the same way as those of the rest of the family, with food on the table and bills being paid.

Admittedly, I might be prejudiced, because I went through many years where I was the one who went without a single 'extra' in order to ensure that the essentials were provided for the rest of the family and bills were paid, while partner kept on smoking and would fritter away any extra that came his way.
In fact I'm just realizing now how bitter I still feel about being put in that position by a selfish, irresponsible man. In fact OP, I strongly suggest that you cut your losses and ditch yours ASAP!

OP, let's cut to the chase. You and your daughter both know that her father is a " house thief".
You made the mistake of marrying a man with both no ambition or will to bring a regular wage into a relationship with children or any discipline with money.
Your daughter knows this. Funny how he is now "depressed", too. Thus stigmatising the need for him to get off of his arse and take any of the very available "non career" jobs available all over the UK.....what with us being three decades deep into being an unambiguous Service Economy and all.
Yeah, this man has never deserved any "economic equality" in this relationship. Don't let any previous comments gaslight you into thinking that you are financially abusing this man when the scenario is the exact opposite.
And even if you were financially abusing him, never have I heard of a woman being financially abused by her husband who steals from her child instead of martyring herself into doing without to keep a peace that doesn't exist.
Leave him or put him out. Nasty man has been through his own daughter's knicker and clothes drawer in order to steal money from her.
You can't enable your daughter to tolerate that. You won't be throwing away a marriage for twenty five pounds. You will be disentangling yourself from a rummaging, lazy, financially abusive, non providing , lying, workshy, will never put enough into even a government, much less take on a private pension THIEF!
"Love" in terms of partnerships is a choice . Do not let notions of love which your husband sure enough hasn't reciprocated , make you further cleave to a man that doesn't even respect the privacy and dominion of his own daughter.

If it was me there would be some abuse going on. People would have to drag me off of a wasteman that I knew had rummaged through my daughter's drawers to steal from her
Ain't enough bell,book and candle in the world to parlay that fuckry into any adherence to " in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer" marriage vows.

You may never find out who did this, but as it's happened more than once it's sensible to take precautions going forwards. Maybe your DD could treat herself to a small lock box and she could keep the key on her. They're about £10 on Amazon.

Has OP gone Mia?

OP is probably sick of all the people calling her a financial abuser, because she's the responsible one who tries to keep them from falling into debt.

Hi, only now having the chance to update as had dental work done at the weekend and it left me feeling out of sorts.
My DD friend took the money, she admitted it on Friday last week, she came round and gave the money back, lots of tears and it transpires she has got herself into some debt by buying clothes online and using the Klarna system which I hadn't heard of but now know it's a buy now / credit option.
She also admitted previously taking money which amounted to £20 again for the same reason.
The friend didn't feel able to tell her own Mum and to ask for help as she knows her Mum struggles financially and they have bit of an up & down relationship not helped by both of them suffering from bi-polar. She has now told her grandparents who have paid off her debt, she will then pay them back.
She told DD that when they were leaving our house on Thursday, my DD put some dirty glasses into the kitchen and that is when the money was took.
DD was really upset however has chosen to forgive her friend and move on from it.
However we did think that the money was took by DH and that has been addressed by us all, we had a really good family discussion this weekend, I took into account what many people on this thread pointed out about "financially abusing" my DH (that actually made me cry but I took it on board).

There is still things to discuss and work on, on the plus side DH has a new job lined up at the end of August and is currently on a training course for the next two weeks to obtain certificate that he needs to do his job.
There's probably other things raised on this thread that I may not have addressed, apologies for that.
I really appreciate the feedback good and bad
Thank you