Do I leave my fiancé for having an emotional affair?

[Bee2k]

I’m a 37 and was previously married to someone who ended up being emotionally abusive as well as a cheater, so our marriage ended and I started my life again with our two small children. I went on to meet someone wonderful (my now fiancé), bought a house with him and he is a wonderful step father to my children (aged 10 and 8). We’ve been together 6 years and are engaged to be married next year. I thought our life was perfect - we have an amazing relationship - no arguments, a happy fulfilled life, great s*x life, and hopes and dreams for the future. He’s my soulmate and my best friend. My friends and family adore him. He’s never even made me cry, ever. Until 2 weeks ago.

I was on his phone and accidentally discovered hidden messages from a past female work colleague. They’ve been messaging for three years and have been meeting for walks together just the two of them every few months for the past two years. The messages weren’t sexual, or complimentary of her appearance, but they obviously have a close “friendship”. She has been offloading to him frequently about the problems in her relationship, but he says nothing about our relationship or our life in the messages. Although there was one that said “it’s so easy with you. Best mate…best everything 🤩” On one of the occasions he had even met her for a walk after we had viewed our wedding venue. I remember him rushing it towards the end! Obviously to get away to see her.
I confronted him immediately after seeing the messages and he admitted he’s been lying because he knew I wouldn’t approve of it. He swears there has been no sexual contact, not even holding hands or kissing. I believe him on that front. He knows I wouldn’t have approved of his “friendship” as this woman has a history of messing around with different guys. He used to bad mouth her to me when he worked at the same place as her. Now I’m feeling he did it to try and deflect his feelings. He had previously told this woman he fancied her (before he met me) and she made it clear she didn’t feel the same way. I also went on to see his Facebook activity which shows he searched/clicked on her profile every day for at least the past month. I feel like he’s been obsessed and infatuated with her. He’s saying he’s been naive and didn’t realise what he was doing. I feel like he’s been having an emotional affair and it hurts so much. I feel that she has manipulated him and used him for an ego boost when she’s been feeling down/had problems in her relationship. She’s played him like a puppet and he’s allowed her to.

On top of this I started digging into his bank accounts and found Only Fans payments - he’s been using it on and off for three years and has spent a whopping £700 on subscriptions and videos. I’m mortified.

I don’t know what to do and can hardly ask my friends and family what their thoughts are given the nature of what I’ve discovered. I’ve confided in my best friend who feels that he’s been naive, stupid, but that he loves me so much and if this is the only problem we’ve ever had/will ever have, then it’s a speed bump and we can get over it in time and grow stronger for it. But the deception hurts so much and I’m not sure I will be able to get over it.

He’s since deleted his Facebook and instagram accounts, given me his passwords for everything and has said he will cut contact with all his past work colleagues so I never have to be reminded of her. He’s also signed up to start counselling as he acknowledges there are deep rooted emotional attachment problems in his head.

I feel so sad for my children just thinking that they would lose another father figure in their life. It’s been a huge shock to me and I feel like someone has died as this just isn’t like his character at all. He’s been perfect on the outside, as has our relationship and if I end it with him I uproot my family again, as well as having to face moving house, as I simply couldn’t afford our house as a single parent.

Do I leave him, or try to move on from it? If he had any negative traits I wouldn’t be asking on here for advice, I’d just finish it with him, but he’s a good man deep down and has never ever done anything before to make me doubt him, nor has he ever upset me in any way, we never even argue. We’ve always had the most healthiest relationship, which is why it hurts so much.

Yes leave. He’s not a good man or he wouldn’t make you feel this way.

Do not marry him. He's a cheat and a liar. A faker, not what you thought he was.

Ah im so sorry op.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is. But it's not just one lie is it? It's all the little lies, the sneaking about, the walls, the coffee dates, the secret texting, the hiding of the messages & im astounded he rushed your wedding venue viewing to go and see her. What a horrible betrayal.

And to add insult to injury he's went and subscribed to only fans? Awful. Not the dream man you thought he was and I know that's not nice to hear but it's true. It's so many little lies that have now snowballed.

For me the trust would be gone the minute I picked up that phone and saw those messages & looked at those bank statements.

I couldn't ever move on from that. I'd be constantly wondering who or what next.

Not the sort of father figure I'd want for my children.

Walks*

I'm so sorry that happened, you must feel awful.

I have my own jaded views on how much truth you're working with here, but of course that's just a gut feeling. Do you really feel like you're getting the whole story, do you really believe him from the bottom of your heart or is that the scared inner voice talking, the one that doesn't want to upend your lovely life?

I think you really need time before you make any decisions. Do some more digging and see what else comes to light. Maybe some distance between you two so you don't end up in a trauma bonding situation. Don't let him pressure you to commit one way or the other.

Personally, the Only Fans on its own would have me questioning the relationship.

This friendship? The level of deception he has gone to for 3 years would be a deal breaker for me. He obviously lies with ease, has a great poker face and no qualms about deceiving you.
If he is upset now it's because he has been caught and knows he risks losing you. It's not genuine remorse for what he's done. It's "Woe is me, I might lose everything good in my life now".

It sounds as if he is willing to try and salvage the relationship with counselling etc. It just depends whether you feel you can get beyond his 3 years of cheating/lying...for now I would cancel the wedding and regroup and look after your own interests and those of your children.

Thank you for your messages, really appreciate it. I have already cancelled the wedding as I know there is no way I can walk down the aisle to a cheat. My heart is broken for my children and I don’t know how I’m going to tell them. Id have rather him have had an actual one night stand than this, it’s the amount of time he’s lied for that’s hurting the most. And the feeling that I possibly haven’t even uncovered the entire truth yet.

He's not a good man is he?

Anyone that can lie, deceive and put their own gratification above the woman he's supposed to love and cherish for 3 years is not a good man. 3 years, that is some need and some deception and he's only sorry because he's been caught.

It is not just one issue either and by forgiving you will be setting yourself up for more of the same or another scenario such as a full blown affair. He is broken, no amount of love can fix this level of deception.

Your children will not thank you for sticking with a cheater.

Sad and horrible situation. Caused by him. He's a cheat and a liar - and the Only Fans thing is just yuk. He's betrayed you, he's not the man you thought he was. If you choose to stay with him I think heartbreak awaits you in time to come. Only you know how you’ll cope with that.

But please don't use 'for the sake of the children' as an excuse. They'll grow and when you're miserable because of him, they'll see it. Its not a good relationship model for them. & be mindful that in time to come, he could leave you. Sadly he's already shown you aren't enough for him. Remember - if you hadn't caught him out he'd have continued. Yet he'll do and say all the right things now, to keep the status quo. So loyalty isnt his forte and you don't have much of a relationship witbout that. Good luck whatever you decide.

So sorry, OP.

I think your best mate has really low standards. The “friendship” bit on its own: confusing, but I don’t think I could forgive it.

But the Only Fans? Definite dealbreaker.

He may have a lovely side, but he isn’t the man you thought he was and you’ll never feel secure with him.

Sending love. x

This. He's somehow made you think he's someone he's not. He is who he has revealed himself to be. A liar, a cheat and disgusting. I'd not marry him. You can do better. Don't let you past relationship bler your judgement. You haven't been lucky in love but look to the future not all men are liars and cheats. Look for a good man.

I discovered an emotional affair about 4 months ago. It had been going on over text with his colleague for about a month. Like you, I don’t believe they had any form of physical contact. I completely understand that idea of wishing it had been a one night thing, I told DH that at the time.

I left for a while. I needed time and space to decide what I wanted. We’ve been together more than 25 years, married for most of it.

In the end, I chose to come back. There are lots of reasons for this: some purely practical, some more emotional. We agreed to work on our marriage and all communication has been blocked. DH had to discuss this with their boss as it had an impact at work.

However, I don’t trust him. That’s gone, no sign of it reappearing yet, but I’m hopeful it may. I’m building a more independent life, which he doesn’t really like, but I’ve explained that the life I thought we’d have had vanished. He threw that away when he sent texts about wishing he was single- he now has a far less enmeshed life and realised he doesn’t like it.

So, can you stay? You may feel you can change things and move on. You may not. I’m at a point where I know the practical support will be vital over the next few years. We love each other and that’s important to me. Only you can know what will work for you.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Do you want to live life as the prison warden, with him the humble and apologetic inmate?

No. Bin.

I think if he’s showing that he’s a sneaky, secretive, lying bastard now, it will only get worse later. I’m sorry, but this level of entitlement is not showing any respect for you or your relationship. Tell your friends. You need support here.

Oh bollocks did he not realise what he was doing. He must think you are as thick as pigshit.

He lied and his it because he knew exactly what he was doing.

I would leave rather than spend my life as plan b.

You would never know a minute of true peace, because you already know he lacks integrity.

Please don't throw it all away. I do agree cancelling the wedding is the right thing to do and give you time to re-evulate things again.

Yes he was having an emotional affair with a women he obvious fancied. But he is sorry and remorseful.

I think if he can stop seeing her than its worth working on the relationship.

only one fans ...£700 in 3 years is not great but its also not thousands of pounds.

Give yourself some time to process it all and consider counselling sessions.

I couldn't stay with someone who always has one foot out the door.

What would you tell your daughter to do if she was in your position?

I honestly am staggered by what your best friend has said to you! This man has hugely betrayed you and made a mockery of the relationship, he absolutely does not love you, sounds like he would be gone in a heartbeat if his EA partner gave him the green light.

I am glad that you have cancelled the wedding, you deserve better than this waste of space. So do your children, he is not their dad and they will get over it.

I couldn’t move past this.

For half your relationship his has been messaging this woman while leading you to believe that he wasn’t.

He has hid a huge part of his life. He has shown he is capable of huge lies, that go on for years, because it suits him to do so. He has shown that he is capable of a huge level of deception.

How can your best friend think he was naive? He just didn’t realise he was lying to the woman he was going to marry? He just didn’t realise that this would hurt the woman he loved.

He booked a wedding venue with you, rushed you along and then met up with this woman all while hiding it from you? And that’s naive? He knew exactly what he was doing, which is why he hid it. He didn’t want to stop. She didn’t manipulate him. She didn’t take advantage. He chose to do this and hide it from you. This is all on him.

Even if it didn’t go any further, I wouldn’t be able to be sure of that. If he can lie to this degree, how could you trust anything? To move on you would have to accept he is probably still lying. And how do you move past that?

If it’s been as simple as cutting her off and cutting all his old work friends off, why didn’t he choose to do that himself, years ago?

He os also telling you he needs professional help because he has emotional attachment problems? Do you want to be with someone who has problems with their emotional attachments? Because that includes you. Or is he claiming the emotional attachment he has made to you happens to be the only healthy one? If it was healthy he wouldn’t be doing what he has done. He is telling you there’s something very wrong.

The fact that he os saying has issues with developing relationships with people, also suggests this isn’t the first time he has done this. Either with you or in other relationships. He isn’t saying it’s a one off and he just really liked her as a friend. He is telling you he has a pattern of developing relationships with women, at the expense of other things. But he is only telling you this now you caught him out. He would have married you, still lying to you if you hadn’t found out.

He says he's going to counselling, deleted Instagram etc, not going to contact the woman again

That all sounds great, but I don't believe that he will stick to any of it

He might. He might change and become who you need him to be (honest, faithful, respectful)

But it's genuinely so difficult for people to change that i usually assume that they won't

He does have a negative trait and a massive one at that, he is a liar, you just didn't know it. I left my stbxh after having found his profile on a dating website last year and despite trying to make it work I just couldn't trust him. I hated the way it made me feel - insecure, jealous, angry and unsafe in the relationship. I am afraid the Only Fans thing would be enough for me yet alone his 3 year relationship where he seems to have behaved like a love sick puppy. If you were enough for him then why would he be doing either of those things? Sadly you are not enough and he is not the man you thought he was. It hurts and it sucks but he is a liar.

I'm curious as to the circumstances leading to you 'accidentally' found hidden messages on his phone! You have to go looking for those. That's absolutely not a criticism btw...I'm just wondering if you had any concerns/feeling something was amiss to do that?