I’m a 37 and was previously married to someone who ended up being emotionally abusive as well as a cheater, so our marriage ended and I started my life again with our two small children. I went on to meet someone wonderful (my now fiancé), bought a house with him and he is a wonderful step father to my children (aged 10 and 8). We’ve been together 6 years and are engaged to be married next year. I thought our life was perfect - we have an amazing relationship - no arguments, a happy fulfilled life, great s*x life, and hopes and dreams for the future. He’s my soulmate and my best friend. My friends and family adore him. He’s never even made me cry, ever. Until 2 weeks ago.
I was on his phone and accidentally discovered hidden messages from a past female work colleague. They’ve been messaging for three years and have been meeting for walks together just the two of them every few months for the past two years. The messages weren’t sexual, or complimentary of her appearance, but they obviously have a close “friendship”. She has been offloading to him frequently about the problems in her relationship, but he says nothing about our relationship or our life in the messages. Although there was one that said “it’s so easy with you. Best mate…best everything 🤩” On one of the occasions he had even met her for a walk after we had viewed our wedding venue. I remember him rushing it towards the end! Obviously to get away to see her.
I confronted him immediately after seeing the messages and he admitted he’s been lying because he knew I wouldn’t approve of it. He swears there has been no sexual contact, not even holding hands or kissing. I believe him on that front. He knows I wouldn’t have approved of his “friendship” as this woman has a history of messing around with different guys. He used to bad mouth her to me when he worked at the same place as her. Now I’m feeling he did it to try and deflect his feelings. He had previously told this woman he fancied her (before he met me) and she made it clear she didn’t feel the same way. I also went on to see his Facebook activity which shows he searched/clicked on her profile every day for at least the past month. I feel like he’s been obsessed and infatuated with her. He’s saying he’s been naive and didn’t realise what he was doing. I feel like he’s been having an emotional affair and it hurts so much. I feel that she has manipulated him and used him for an ego boost when she’s been feeling down/had problems in her relationship. She’s played him like a puppet and he’s allowed her to.
On top of this I started digging into his bank accounts and found Only Fans payments - he’s been using it on and off for three years and has spent a whopping £700 on subscriptions and videos. I’m mortified.
I don’t know what to do and can hardly ask my friends and family what their thoughts are given the nature of what I’ve discovered. I’ve confided in my best friend who feels that he’s been naive, stupid, but that he loves me so much and if this is the only problem we’ve ever had/will ever have, then it’s a speed bump and we can get over it in time and grow stronger for it. But the deception hurts so much and I’m not sure I will be able to get over it.
He’s since deleted his Facebook and instagram accounts, given me his passwords for everything and has said he will cut contact with all his past work colleagues so I never have to be reminded of her. He’s also signed up to start counselling as he acknowledges there are deep rooted emotional attachment problems in his head.
I feel so sad for my children just thinking that they would lose another father figure in their life. It’s been a huge shock to me and I feel like someone has died as this just isn’t like his character at all. He’s been perfect on the outside, as has our relationship and if I end it with him I uproot my family again, as well as having to face moving house, as I simply couldn’t afford our house as a single parent.
Do I leave him, or try to move on from it? If he had any negative traits I wouldn’t be asking on here for advice, I’d just finish it with him, but he’s a good man deep down and has never ever done anything before to make me doubt him, nor has he ever upset me in any way, we never even argue. We’ve always had the most healthiest relationship, which is why it hurts so much.