Do I leave my fiancé for having an emotional affair?

[Bee2k]

I’m a 37 and was previously married to someone who ended up being emotionally abusive as well as a cheater, so our marriage ended and I started my life again with our two small children. I went on to meet someone wonderful (my now fiancé), bought a house with him and he is a wonderful step father to my children (aged 10 and 8). We’ve been together 6 years and are engaged to be married next year. I thought our life was perfect - we have an amazing relationship - no arguments, a happy fulfilled life, great s*x life, and hopes and dreams for the future. He’s my soulmate and my best friend. My friends and family adore him. He’s never even made me cry, ever. Until 2 weeks ago.

I was on his phone and accidentally discovered hidden messages from a past female work colleague. They’ve been messaging for three years and have been meeting for walks together just the two of them every few months for the past two years. The messages weren’t sexual, or complimentary of her appearance, but they obviously have a close “friendship”. She has been offloading to him frequently about the problems in her relationship, but he says nothing about our relationship or our life in the messages. Although there was one that said “it’s so easy with you. Best mate…best everything 🤩” On one of the occasions he had even met her for a walk after we had viewed our wedding venue. I remember him rushing it towards the end! Obviously to get away to see her.
I confronted him immediately after seeing the messages and he admitted he’s been lying because he knew I wouldn’t approve of it. He swears there has been no sexual contact, not even holding hands or kissing. I believe him on that front. He knows I wouldn’t have approved of his “friendship” as this woman has a history of messing around with different guys. He used to bad mouth her to me when he worked at the same place as her. Now I’m feeling he did it to try and deflect his feelings. He had previously told this woman he fancied her (before he met me) and she made it clear she didn’t feel the same way. I also went on to see his Facebook activity which shows he searched/clicked on her profile every day for at least the past month. I feel like he’s been obsessed and infatuated with her. He’s saying he’s been naive and didn’t realise what he was doing. I feel like he’s been having an emotional affair and it hurts so much. I feel that she has manipulated him and used him for an ego boost when she’s been feeling down/had problems in her relationship. She’s played him like a puppet and he’s allowed her to.

On top of this I started digging into his bank accounts and found Only Fans payments - he’s been using it on and off for three years and has spent a whopping £700 on subscriptions and videos. I’m mortified.

I don’t know what to do and can hardly ask my friends and family what their thoughts are given the nature of what I’ve discovered. I’ve confided in my best friend who feels that he’s been naive, stupid, but that he loves me so much and if this is the only problem we’ve ever had/will ever have, then it’s a speed bump and we can get over it in time and grow stronger for it. But the deception hurts so much and I’m not sure I will be able to get over it.

He’s since deleted his Facebook and instagram accounts, given me his passwords for everything and has said he will cut contact with all his past work colleagues so I never have to be reminded of her. He’s also signed up to start counselling as he acknowledges there are deep rooted emotional attachment problems in his head.

I feel so sad for my children just thinking that they would lose another father figure in their life. It’s been a huge shock to me and I feel like someone has died as this just isn’t like his character at all. He’s been perfect on the outside, as has our relationship and if I end it with him I uproot my family again, as well as having to face moving house, as I simply couldn’t afford our house as a single parent.

Do I leave him, or try to move on from it? If he had any negative traits I wouldn’t be asking on here for advice, I’d just finish it with him, but he’s a good man deep down and has never ever done anything before to make me doubt him, nor has he ever upset me in any way, we never even argue. We’ve always had the most healthiest relationship, which is why it hurts so much.

“Emotional affair” the catch all phrase for women who don’t think men should have female friends.

Had it been a man he had been messaging & going for walk with you wouldn’t be bothered. In the strange old world of MN though, all women are predators and all men are opportunistic… so must be shagging.

I have lots of male friends, I don’t tell my husband ever message, or if I go out for lunch or dinner with them … why would I ? I don’t feel the need to forensically account for every moment of my time.

You have dumped your fiancé, and cancelled a wedding over some text messages (none of which hint at anything untoward), and a few walks.

OP I’m sorry about what you are going through. He made a conscious decision to not tell you because you wouldn’t like it rather than making the decision not to do it.

I really feel for you. I’m not sure I believe him when he says it’s merely a ‘friendship’ though, unfortunately. You won’t ever fully trust him again. I can see why you’d choose to stay though.
Sorry, OP, no real advice but I’m thinking of you.

@Ladybug14

You missed my point... OnlyFans aside, had he been truthful that he was meeting up with a female friend, would it have been allowed? Cafes, walking along the beach, sitting in fields, pub days... whatever it might be. I'm talking times alone with a girl for catching up, simply talking as the OP has said, nothing sexual or suggestive at all.

Yes, don't get me wrong, it could be something more, but I've done all of these with my male best friend. It's clear no-one here trusts a man alone with a woman (although many women here seem perfectly fine with having male friends and being alone with them)... so for him to admit it is to be opening the door for an argument and "I'm uncomfortable with you spending so much h time with her"...so playing devil's advocate, doesn't it explain why he might have kept it a secret?

All of the above is simply going on platonic female interactions, so just putting that question out there.

BUT, truth be told, i do think he likes this girl... I think the suggestion has been made and it looks like she has turned him down... now he's pining after her. For me, the question is was it a pull or was it a push...

Aww that’s awful OP, I feel for you. What a horrible predicament to be in.
in my opinion it seems to me that it isn’t an ‘emotional’ affair’ - more him putting in a LOT of effort to try to win over someone that he admits he had/has a crush on and is low key obsessed with.
Do you truly believe that if this lady let him know she was interested in him in that way and was up for it, he would respectfully decline?
He seems to be putting the work into trying to get her to fall for him, whilst having you as his safety net.
Having his passwords and log ins may make you feel like you have some kind of control but that’s a horrible way to live, thinking that the only reason he isn’t going to message other ladies is because you will see.
Please do not let him use ‘attachment’ issues as a way to wiggle out of it, as if somehow his behaviour isn’t his fault but is down to deep rooted issues instead.
That seems pretty manipulative to me.
Good luck OP, in whatever you decide to do.

My exhusband appeared to be charming and caring and the perfect husband and father. It was a front and a sham. He was pretending to be something he absolutely wasn't. He changed jobs and met new people who he felt he could be his true self with. He drank heavily, went back to smoking and started trawling night clubs with male work colleagues ( take your wedding ring off and see who can get a shag with the youngest woman there)It was 27 years ago so no Internet, no Only Fans. Had those things existed he would have been their best customer. In the end he left us ( two children aged 3 and 2 ) for a 17 year old colleague . Your fiance has shown you the real him. Believe him. That 'self' will always be there.

Based on what I read on MN, a lot of these EAs turn out to be more. He’s only admitted to what you caught him doing.

I wouldn’t make any rash decisions. It’s all very well everyone here saying they’d leave immediately etc, whereas in reality many women do stay. That said it’s easier for you to break things off given you’ve no children together, though of course your children would be hurt. I think my question would be (if I genuinely believed no sex had happened) would be would he have had an affair if she was willing? Sounds like he’s had a thing for her for years, but feeling is not mutual. Him checking her profile daily says a lot doesn’t it. I’d take some time to mull over things. Your friend knows the situation more than we do, people saying she had low standards but they are far removed from the situation. Good you’ve cancelled the wedding, maybe take some time to think about things, go to some couple counselling and see if you can get past it. Or walk out the door (or rather he does). Neither is an easy choice

Did you miss the part where the OP said he had previously fancied this woman? Or rushed off from his wedding appointment to see her? Or was using only fans?

Does your husband know about your male friends or do you actively lie to him when you’re meeting them? There’s a big difference.

This is hard. You have my sympathy OP ❤️

Most people will tell you to leave because they know a relationship can't come back from this. Possibly they've been in the same or a similar situation to you and know it won't ever work out. I'm also one of these people as I believe that once the trust is gone it's totally gone and it's like a rot that sets in on your relationship ruining everything and destroying your confidence along the way. He knew exactly the risks he was taking. It's just horrible it has to affect you and your family too.

However I also know it's sometimes not as easy to just up and leave your world as you know it this very minute. For that you have to be incredibly strong and it can take a while to come to the realisation that things won't ever be the same. It's so sad and so hurtful but in time you'll come to terms with the fact that you deserve better xxx

You're in shock right now. You won't know whether you're able to forgive him, move past this or trust him again until you've had some time. He's making all the right noises at the moment, so give it a chance. One of three things will happen.

1. He'll work hard to rebuild your relationship and you will come to terms with it and learn to trust him again.
2. He'll work hard etc, but you'll find that despite all that you can never relax and quite believe - this will slowly eat away at you and eventually become unbearable.
3. He'll fuck up again.

My own belief is that scenario 1. Is very unlikely and at best you'll end up with scenario 2., but it's your life and your future so give yourself a bit of time to think.

He is clearly capable of living a double life without you having any idea. You know that now, so of course you can't marry him. I really feel for you.

I’ve confided in my best friend who feels that he’s been naive, stupid, but that he loves me so much and if this is the only problem we’ve ever had/will ever have

That's a big if and of course you've no way of knowing that's going to be the case, have you?

What the feck. He's been going on secret trips out with a woman he fancies for three entire years. You will never trust him again!

Someone posted that you're blowing up your relationship over walks with someone of the opposite sex but the fact he fancies/fancied her AND snuck around behind your back for three years to see her indicates the nature of this relationship.

You've already been cheated on by a past partner, you know you won't get over this because you'll always doubt whether he's telling the truth. The trust is gone and you already know it doesn't come back. Your instinct is screaming at you that this is off.

Also, the money spent on OnlyFans that you weren't aware of shows he's got form. What more is going to come out of the woodwork? This will be the tip of the iceberg.

Tell your children and family the truth and get rid. This relationship will never be the same, it's not worth it.

You'll never be able to trust a word he says.

No amount of counselling will cure a liar.
Your children will rumble him ( may have done already) and think this is how men behave and it's OK because their mother acts as though it is.

Count your blessings. You found him out before you married.
Go and go quickly. There's no future for you with this awful man.

Sorry if I missed your point

I think you're making a point about women and men being FRIENDS and whether society generally 'allows' that

I have no idea if the OP would have been cool with her partner having a lady who is a friend

But the main point is that the OP wasn't given the opportunity to be cool or not because her partner LIED to her and kept the friendship secret

Did he do that because he thought the OP wouldn't like him having a lady friend?

Maybe.... but that doesn't make his secret friendship legit , does it?

In fact, all it does is aim to blame the OP for something she wasn't even given the opportunity to consider

And yes, the only fans.

You seem to want to brush that under the carpet. 🤪

So... are you naive? Perhaps. I think you're trying to make a tangential point which doesn't really fit into this thread - imo

Having been in a similar situation and trying to forgive and move on I couldn’t ever do it again. You become hyper vigilant and the lack of trust eats you up. The only way it can ever work is with a shit ton of work from him, counselling alone & together, prolonged actions of remorse & apology from him to try & gradually rebuild the trust. You’ll never fully trust him again unfortunately as you did before. Do you think he can change? Is he genuinely remorseful? You know now that he excels at lying so it’ll be a hard call to make that decision.

If you do all these things with Male friends, whilst heading it you are no better than this man is. He has treated his partner terribly.

If you are in a relationship and you feel you have to hide friends, the solution isn’t to carry on and just hide it from your partner. That’s dishonest and it’s poor foundation for a relationship.

Given he has dropped this woman and everyone associated with her, how important of a friends was she? Not that important obviously as he immediately dropped her when he got caught. But important enough he kept lying to the Op to spend time with her.

if you want to have a friendship and your other half doesn’t approve, the right choice is to tell them it’s happening anyway. Then let that partner decide wether they want to remain in the relationship or not.

This man has lied for half the relationship. If you really think the Op maybe that awful he had no choice but to lie, the relationship should be over and he should have walked away years ago. If he lied because he fancied her and loved having her attention and knew it wasn’t right to do that in a relationship (but did it anyway) the relationship is dead in the water.

My only thoughts on this are why do they always say 'going for walks'. Going for walks. Going for what ???

He is not a wonderful person - he lies and cheats. You're lucky you're not married to him, and I think you did absolutely the right thing by cancelling everything

He rushed the viewing of your wedding venue so that he could go for a walk with her?
He views her social media every single day?

You’re right, he’s infatuated with her.

He’s obviously a very good liar.

You are doing the wise thing by not marrying him.

I can't believe some can forgive and stay. It doesn't matter how remorseful they are. It doesn't change the fact they still did it. She deserves better. He doesn't love her. No one loves their partner if they can cleat so easily.

Cheat*

You can take as long as you need to decide what is best for you. You’ve had a massive shock and it is okay to take your time and process everything. With regards to only fans, there is a reason that the adult industry is so successful- the demand is huge. Many men and women use these type of sites. Some people in relationships have no issue with the use of pornography, only fans etc . Others do. It’s all about individual boundaries/ expectations and two people in a relationship should be on the same page with these type of things. Sounds like you are not ? Is it a deal breaker for you? I personally wouldn’t be happy about the ex colleague, the messaging and the walks. It’s the secrecy that I would take issue with- its basically lies by omission.

I agree.