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Original poster

Dating an older man at this age?

81 replies

ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:55

Hi,

Is anyone in a relationship with a larger age gap? Say you’re 43 and you fell in love with a man who is 56. The age doesn’t bother me now. The thing I wonder about is the future, ie I’m 68 and he’s 80. He’s very fit and healthy, cycles all over London, etc. I’m incredibly attracted to him. You never know what could happen. I could become ill before him. But I do think about the later years. Any advice?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/07/2023 15:01

ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:59

Eek, is this always the case?

I wouldn't.

The gap is ok now, it will be much more apparent in 10/20 years time.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 22/07/2023 18:49

5128gap · 20/07/2023 19:47

In your opinion. There are many people who would think it mattered very much indeed, and for them it would be a miserable life. They might do it for love, but that's not the same as being happy.

Show quote history

Then they don’t love them

HamBone · 22/07/2023 18:58

DancesWithFelines · 22/07/2023 13:36

But when I look around at my peers in same-age relationships I can’t see how their middle age years are going to be much more fantastic than mine anyway - they are having to take mortgages until they are 70, having kids now (at 40) with high childcare costs and worries about how to contribute enough to pensions.

My friends say that I’ve accidentally played a blinder marrying an older man as the house is nearly paid off (I’m 40), we chose to have our kids when I was a bit younger due to our age gap so they are teenagers now and will get DH’s tax free lump sum for house deposits when he takes early retirement in few years (he will start a small business at that point but also likes the idea of helping the kids renovate first properties etc).

I have had a couple of promotions recently and it’s nice to have a clear runway ahead to go further in my career while DH is winding down on his, with him doing more of the teenager lifts, cooking etc. He minimises life stress so much! I do have an autoimmune condition and so I want to get as far as I can in my career with a view to early retirement/Jobshare if my health deteriorates - ideally spending time in the sun for my joints!

Statistically there is a high chance that I will be widowed so we have prioritised my pension since my 20s in order to have the peace of mind later on. I also get half of DH’s work pension after he passes, until I die. There will be money to get care in if I or DH need it. But I love him deeply so can’t imagine resenting any help I need to give him. We have both had life ups and downs where one has had to help the other.

Honestly, if you asked any of my friends they would say that my middle age years look far more enhanced than theirs do! They are quite doom and gloom about what their 50s/60s/70s look like.

Different timing suits different people, @DancesWithFelines Many people aren’t ready for parenthood in their 20’s ( even with an older partner) and want to be out having fun, traveling, etc. That means they have to do the hard parenting slog later, but perhaps they’re more ready for it then. No one among my friends had children before their 30’s, several into their 40’s. It was a conscious choice.

WhiteChocMocha · 22/07/2023 22:04

ClaireSage · 21/07/2023 12:43

Thank you all. I do really love him. We are very compatible, he’s open, kind and playful, we are like-minded, we enjoy doing the same things, I am incredibly attracted to him, sex is amazing, he’s easygoing and positive. The connection is strong. It’s been over a year now.

Is a 12 year age gap that bad? I don’t know. I do think about it which is why I’m posting.
I told myself 7 yrs my senior is my limit. I didn't expect I’d fall in love with him. It is the con, but there are so many positives. But from reading everyone’s post, it seems that this could get really hard in 20 yrs. :/

You say you really love him, the sex is great and it's been a year. Your OP read a bit more like you were thinking about dating him but weren't sure.

How many people have you loved in your lifetime/ can you really just put the feelings aside and walk away to look for some hypothetical younger man? If you love someone and you're already together and it's a good, positive relationship that makes you happy, don't dig for problems. Enjoy it and see where it goes.

I think us women (and well, men too) sometimes just overthink relationships and focus too much on the tick list/ why something might not work out. It's not often you find love, and reading the dating threads here, looking for it is hell on earth. If you and this man make each other happy, just focus on the positives and enjoy your relationship.

In my relationship I have age gap and other types of 'gaps'. I used to think about it long and hard and try to push the potential relationship away. But now when I look across the table, I know that this is the man that makes me happy every day, he's got a good heart, we know, support and accept each other warts and all, great chemistry, and nobody else ever made me feel like that. I'm glad we went for this and even if for any reason it doesn't work out, or things get hard later in life, I'll never in a million years regret time spent with him.

People overcome all kinds of gaps when they have a connection. Think great on-paper compatibility is overrated.

TortolaParadise · 24/07/2023 22:14

Stratocumulus · 19/07/2023 08:57

Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse.

Yes, some truth in this old sage.

RustyBear · 24/07/2023 22:18

Stratocumulus · 19/07/2023 08:57

Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse.

That’s what my mum was told when she married my dad who was 16 years older than her. They were married for 51 years until mum died of a stroke at 73 - my dad was 102 when he died 13 years later.
You just can’t predict what will happen.

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