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Original poster

Dating an older man at this age?

81 replies

ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:55

Hi,

Is anyone in a relationship with a larger age gap? Say you’re 43 and you fell in love with a man who is 56. The age doesn’t bother me now. The thing I wonder about is the future, ie I’m 68 and he’s 80. He’s very fit and healthy, cycles all over London, etc. I’m incredibly attracted to him. You never know what could happen. I could become ill before him. But I do think about the later years. Any advice?

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 19/07/2023 08:57

Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse.

Collins567 · 19/07/2023 08:57

Go for it :) 13 years is nothing.

Original poster
ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:59

Eek, is this always the case?

OP posts:
Original poster
ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:59

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Collins567 · 19/07/2023 09:00

No it really isn't. People on here will say they would only ever date someone a max of 4 years older or younger, which restricts them a lot. It's not like he's 30 years older.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 19/07/2023 09:44

I wouldn’t. I know that anything could happen in the future and that you may get ill at a young age, but this is pretty much an ‘unknown’. What is more likely is that the older partner will get ill/health complications. It’s also not just about physical illness, it’s about mental attitude. A significant age gap is likely to result in different attitudes/life stages, with one person retiring years before the other.

I saw my mum nurse my (much) older dad. it’s always gonna be a big ‘no’, as dads as I’m concerned.

Quitelikeit · 19/07/2023 09:47

It depends on whether you’d mind caring for him?

We are all going to get old and die if love has come your way personally I’d not let this stand in my way!

There are care homes

Tangerinedreams3 · 19/07/2023 14:14

Not for me. I just don't fancy men that much older. And I'm not being an old age nurse for anyone new.
I would have done for my ex H as we met when we were young and have a lot of history. He chose to leave.
There's no way I would go into a situation like that now at the age of 47 (me) I'd go no older than 55 max or stay single.

W0tnow · 19/07/2023 14:23

I’d date a fit and healthy man 10 years older for sure. More, even.

An unfit, overweight man, my age? Nope. I’m 55.

Aprilx · 19/07/2023 14:34

I dated a man 14 years older than me when I was younger, me 24, him 38. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now that I am 53 the idea of being with a 67 year old is just wrong to me. I would think of an almost 70 year old of being almost a different generation and it would only get more pronounced. It is too much.

HomeSeck · 19/07/2023 15:05

I don't really get these points about needing to care for an older partner - I don't see how caring for my 80 year old husband when I'm 60 would be worse than having to do it if I was 80 as well?

At least I'd probably have the health/energy to go and spend time with friends etc for respite - you've only got to read some of the threads on here where elderly couples are stuck completely relying on each other and resentful.

Dartmoorcheffy · 19/07/2023 15:06

I'm 13 years older than dp. He will have to loom after me !

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 19/07/2023 15:12

@HomeSeck because if you are the same age-ish, you’ve both had the same time to live your lives, rather then the younger partner wasting years caring for their older partner.

I mentioned previously that my mum had to care for my dad. They loved each other, but god it was hard in her that she couldn’t do anything much apart from be a carer and hard on my sib and me as we also had to care for our dad.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 19/07/2023 15:18

My mum remarried someone with an identical age gap. Everything was fine until he got dementia and she nursed him for seven years. She had no life for most of those seven years. Obviously, you never know what's going to happen but that is too big a gap when he gets old.

chocobaby · 19/07/2023 20:15

Are You ready to be a nurse to this man? Only proceed if you see yourself nursing him etc in the next few years. He might be fit now but that could change sooner than you expect!

moderndaywitch · 19/07/2023 20:16

I don't think that's a massive age gap at those ages. 40 and 27 - yes, could be issues, but not at your ages.

5128gap · 19/07/2023 20:58

HomeSeck · 19/07/2023 15:05

I don't really get these points about needing to care for an older partner - I don't see how caring for my 80 year old husband when I'm 60 would be worse than having to do it if I was 80 as well?

At least I'd probably have the health/energy to go and spend time with friends etc for respite - you've only got to read some of the threads on here where elderly couples are stuck completely relying on each other and resentful.

Its because most women of 60 have a lot of energy and zest for life. They may still be working full time in fulfilling careers, and/or enjoying some freedom with fewer responsibilities. Wanting to travel, go on days and nights out, go hiking, play sports, basically make the most of their health, strength and freedom before age inevitability slows them down.
To have all these things severely restricted by the need to care a partner who himself got the opportunity to enjoy them 20 years earlier, is very harsh.
If an 80 year old is caring for a same age partner there's every chance they both had chance to enjoy their 60s/70s.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 19/07/2023 22:28

I suppose the question is, why are you dating him?
If you actually love him, it simply won’t matter.
And if you don’t love him, then his age is the least of your worries.

MamskiBell · 19/07/2023 22:30

I met my husband at 26 (now I'm 44) and he was 43 (he's now 61), so a 17 year age gap. I'm the one who has become disabled (as a result of pregnancy with our now 14 year son) and he cares for me....magnificently and without complaint! The age difference has never been an issue. We are so different in personality and tastes but we love the bones of each other and it just works. He's the most amazing husband and father.....don't let something as insignificant as an age gap put the stoppers on future happiness 😊

5128gap · 20/07/2023 08:33

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 19/07/2023 22:28

I suppose the question is, why are you dating him?
If you actually love him, it simply won’t matter.
And if you don’t love him, then his age is the least of your worries.

I don't think this is necessarily true. Its entirely possible to fall in love with someone who for whatever reason will prevent us getting the most from our lives. Age gap relationships are an excellent example. The older person could be ideal in many ways, but is likely to restrict the younger person at some stage. It might not matter to the older partner (though it should if they really love the younger!) It might not even matter to some younger partners if they are of a certain personality type that is happy with a smaller slower life in their 50s/60s. But if they're not, it absolutely will matter.
People looking to have these relationship are always encouraged to cling to the slim hope the older person 'might' still be running marathons at 80, like their cousin's auntie's neighbour's grandad. When really they should be thinking hard about how they'd really cope in the much more likely event he isn't.

Sarfar45 · 20/07/2023 08:55

I have a friend who has a similar age gap and it's starting to show now he's just hit his 60s. He isn't in the best health though, type 2 diabetic, needs knee replacements. I think she's going to end up being a carer and isn't even 50 yet. I think she's just realising how restrictive it is.

Aerin1999 · 20/07/2023 09:04

Having gone from dating a man 20 years older than me straight to a man 20 years younger….i realised how older men’s’ sexual performance and libido really does slip fast. Clearly not the most important thing - but a big deal for me! (I am 46).

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/07/2023 09:13

HomeSeck · 19/07/2023 15:05

I don't really get these points about needing to care for an older partner - I don't see how caring for my 80 year old husband when I'm 60 would be worse than having to do it if I was 80 as well?

At least I'd probably have the health/energy to go and spend time with friends etc for respite - you've only got to read some of the threads on here where elderly couples are stuck completely relying on each other and resentful.

Well, the difference is pretty obvious! If you are both 80 then presumably your 60s were spent being free and able to do whatever you wanted. If he is 80 and you are 60 then your 60s are going to be spent caring for him.

JulieHoney · 20/07/2023 09:19

Having watched two older friends lose their sixties as carers to older husbands, I would say be very cautious.

Just when they should be enjoying freedom, part time work or retiring, plenty of travel they were stuck at home looking after their increasingly infirm partners. It was awful. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Tiredjoanna · 20/07/2023 09:19

There's a 17yr difference between me and dh, I'm 36 and he's 54. Love him to bits and couldn't care less if when we're older I have to look after him. I love him so the rest is just noise. And like other posters have said, how do you know it won't be other way round?