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Original poster

Dating an older man at this age?

81 replies

ClaireSage · 19/07/2023 08:55

Hi,

Is anyone in a relationship with a larger age gap? Say you’re 43 and you fell in love with a man who is 56. The age doesn’t bother me now. The thing I wonder about is the future, ie I’m 68 and he’s 80. He’s very fit and healthy, cycles all over London, etc. I’m incredibly attracted to him. You never know what could happen. I could become ill before him. But I do think about the later years. Any advice?

OP posts:
PawPrintsInMyPansies · 20/07/2023 09:40

@Tiredjoanna its easy to say now that you won’t mind caring for your partner, but you don’t know how you’ll feel in 10 years time. Chances are, You’ll still be relatively fit and healthy, but what you do with your life will be constrained by your partners needs. And even if he is healthy: he’ll be retired whilst you’re still
working. You’ll be at completely different stages of life.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/07/2023 09:44

I think I'd be more wary of an age gap now at 42 than I would have earlier in, because all these consequences are coming at you much sooner. DH is 7 years older, but let's say he was 15.
Together at 29 and 44, could easily have 20+ years together before I consider being his carer.
Now i'm 42, if he was 57, that would be far fewer years together before I have to start thinking about it.

beguilingeyes · 20/07/2023 10:10

A friend of mine (61) has just married a woman roughly half his age. And she's a nurse. He's not daft. He's an unusually fit healthy 60 year old, but even so...

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 20/07/2023 10:11

You just don't know what's going to happen in the future I suppose. My neighbours have a 10 year age gap. She's 80 with dementia he's 90 and I had to, half jokingly, tell him to get down off the kitchen roof the other day as he was happily cleaning out the gutters! He's in better health than she is by far.

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2023 10:17

If you really love him then that's your answer. If you have met him and are wondering, then no.

Ultraviolet85 · 20/07/2023 10:24

If you really like him then go for it op! My dh is 12 years older than me and we have 2 dc together. You can’t live your life expecting bad things will happen further down the line. Plus even if they do you cross that bridge when you come to it!

northernbeee · 20/07/2023 12:15

If you're in love with him then carry on. It isn't the be all and end all but it will be an issue when he's 80 but like you said, you could become ill so you can't really ever foresee these things.

5128gap · 20/07/2023 12:42

There's a difference between accepting that bad things 'could' happen and that you might end up being one of the rare and unfortunate people who have poorer health at 50 than your partner at 70, and being in denial about a very likely probability.
Any one entering a relationship with someone much older should be very clear about what that is likely to look like, so they can make an informed decision. Not be persuaded by the off chance their relationship will be atypical.
All the anecdotes of 90 year olds on rooves, and positive stories of women happily married to much older men (often still young enough to not have felt the full impact of his decline) shouldn't be a smokescreen for the reality. Nor should the rather naive belief that love should and does conquer all.
Add to this the socialisation that nice women should not be so shallow as to reject a good man because of his age, and that decent women shouldn't be so selfish as to not want to be a carer for the man they love; and younger women can be persuaded into ignoring problems that may be very challenging in future.
I've yet to see a post from a woman in her 50s restricting her life, or providing care for an elderly man she had a few good years with after meeting later in life, heartily recommending it as a lifestyle choice.

prairiedog1 · 20/07/2023 12:44

Live in the moment, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow (hope you don't)!

Collins567 · 20/07/2023 13:07

I work as a carer, I've been looking after a man in his early 70s who was still very independent, of sound mind and he'd had a hip operation about 6 months prior but no other known Health problems. He only really needed us to assist with dressing his lower half as he struggled with bending down, did everything else himself.
Always enjoyed visiting him, very nice man and had a good chat. I've seen him 3 times this past week, last time was Monday.
I've just received an email saying he died last night :( I don't know how yet but I am in utter shock and devastated to hear. Early 70s is no age really.
However it just goes to show that nothing is guaranteed and that life is very short.

MrsB74 · 20/07/2023 17:17

My husband is 13 years older than me, we’ve been together 25 years - he’s in his 60s now. If you really care for someone age is no barrier; anyone could get a life limiting illness or have an accident at any age and you’d have to look after them. It has had it’s challenges - we rarely like the same music for example, but that’s hardly a huge obstacle. Shared values are more important.

novalia89 · 20/07/2023 19:05

‘Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse’

Exactly this. Why do men get the benefit of someone younger?

I have had flings with a younger guy and I think that it might be because it makes me feel younger? But why do only the men get the benefit of feeling younger because they have a younger wife?

I’m also wary of the power imbalance. In a work environment there is always an inbalance with younger staff and older staff with an authoritative and slightly patronising ‘I know best’ tone and attitude. You can’t deny that it will happen in relationships if it happens in other areas of life. It is harder to have it equal when one party has so much more life experience.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 20/07/2023 19:29

5128gap · 20/07/2023 08:33

I don't think this is necessarily true. Its entirely possible to fall in love with someone who for whatever reason will prevent us getting the most from our lives. Age gap relationships are an excellent example. The older person could be ideal in many ways, but is likely to restrict the younger person at some stage. It might not matter to the older partner (though it should if they really love the younger!) It might not even matter to some younger partners if they are of a certain personality type that is happy with a smaller slower life in their 50s/60s. But if they're not, it absolutely will matter.
People looking to have these relationship are always encouraged to cling to the slim hope the older person 'might' still be running marathons at 80, like their cousin's auntie's neighbour's grandad. When really they should be thinking hard about how they'd really cope in the much more likely event he isn't.

Show quote history

As I said
If you love them, then it won’t matter
and if you don’t, then their age isn’t the problem

MissAmbrosia · 20/07/2023 19:43

DH is 11 years older than me and turns 66 this year. There's nothing wrong with his virility to be fair 😱He wants to retire though (of course) and I have years to work still and we have dc just about 2nd year of Uni. I do worry a bit about the finances and what he is going to do all day as he doesn't seem to have a hobby/sport etc With regards to health, we both have friends with health problems. I know it could go either way with who might need care so I try not to fret about that - though his mother had alzheimers ( and at 4am I sometimes worry what would happen in that situation)

5128gap · 20/07/2023 19:47

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 20/07/2023 19:29

As I said
If you love them, then it won’t matter
and if you don’t, then their age isn’t the problem

Show quote history

In your opinion. There are many people who would think it mattered very much indeed, and for them it would be a miserable life. They might do it for love, but that's not the same as being happy.

Boothsss · 20/07/2023 19:52

When my mother was 70 she remarried a gentleman who was 90. Seemed to work!

Pinkitydrinkity · 20/07/2023 19:54

I knew someone who married a man about 20 years older than her and she died first at 57. Nobody knows what’s going to happen and life is short.

WhiteChocMocha · 20/07/2023 22:19

Whatever happened to loving someone in sickness and health?
I love someone about that amount older than me. For a long time we both thought the age gap's too large (him more than me) but feelings and a great mutual connection don't just disappear into thin air if they're real. We're younger now but if he became unwell tomorrow...
Put it this way... We care for our kids if they're disabled or SEN, we would care for our elderly parents... so why wouldn't we look after our partner when they're getting on a bit? These things are just a part of life and happen to most people.
Properly loving someone, having common values, being able to be your true self and feeling 'right' in each other's company seems to be really underrated in favour of a more enjoyable lifestyle. Enjoy the hear and now, you don't know how things turn out in the future.

emmylousings · 20/07/2023 22:32

Also, I know quite a few people who've died suddenly between 50-75, needing very little or no care. You just don't know what will happen. If you're really into him now, go for it. It might not work out in the long term anyway, you might just have some romance / fun.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 21/07/2023 05:09

It’s all very well saying ‘I’m sickness and in health’ etc, And I agree, to an extent. However getting into a relationship with an older person, makes the sickness more likely.

all these people saying go for it. Have you ever cared for someone with a long term, degenerative illness?

thought not.

whatchagonnado · 21/07/2023 05:16

If you really like him, stick with him. Those type of relationships are very fulfilling. I wouldn't ditch him because of the age gap. Anything can happen

rwalker · 21/07/2023 05:24

The care aspect is a risk but there’s plenty of people in there 80’s who don’t need care
my mums 84 drives ( go out with her and check she’s ok regularly) very social out all the time looks after herself and run a big house on her own but at 84 she wouldn’t want to start travelling or doing things that everyone wants to do when they 1st retire

when OP friend come up to retire in mid 60’s ready to enjoy a bit of life holidays and things like that her other half would be at a different stage of retirement and just in wind down

Fucket · 21/07/2023 05:42

DH is older, married him when he was mid 40s and I about to turn 30. Raising 3 kids together. I’m benefitting from his experience as it’s his second family (met after the divorce). DH is fully equal parenting, does 50/50 of housework and mental load. He’s coming towards his retirement soon, and it’s meant he’s been able to take care of the family while I’ve pursued teacher training. He’s not my age having to work over time or climb the greasy pole in competition with me, he’s already done it.

If I stay teaching for next 20 years I will have a lot of school holidays to enjoy his retirement with him. The family will also have a SAHP to benefit from. Useful with a house soon to be full of teens.

Yes I might have to be his carer in my late 60s, assuming he needs it in his 80s (although both his parents are alive and well in their 80s).

Yes I might have to be a widow on my own watching grandkids grow, but I would’ve had nothing but support from him for 30+ years.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 21/07/2023 07:47

17 years between myself and my husband, he's 62 now, incredibly fit (fitter than me!) and handsome. We've been married for 20 years, he's my best friend. I can honestly say I fancy him more now than I ever have, we have the most amazing fun, active life together, the sex is still amazing and he's a wonderfully supportive husband. I had criticism about the age gap when we first met but thank goodness I didn't pay any attention!

5128gap · 21/07/2023 08:05

OP, this fit attractive 56 year old isn't chasing 69 year old women, is he? No doubt he'd dismiss the idea as ridiculous, given he feels he is suited to a woman 26 years younger than that!
Is there any reason to think that you'll feel differently from him when you're 56?