Dating an older man at this age?

[ClaireSage]

Hi,

Is anyone in a relationship with a larger age gap? Say you’re 43 and you fell in love with a man who is 56. The age doesn’t bother me now. The thing I wonder about is the future, ie I’m 68 and he’s 80. He’s very fit and healthy, cycles all over London, etc. I’m incredibly attracted to him. You never know what could happen. I could become ill before him. But I do think about the later years. Any advice?

Thank you all. I do really love him. We are very compatible, he’s open, kind and playful, we are like-minded, we enjoy doing the same things, I am incredibly attracted to him, sex is amazing, he’s easygoing and positive. The connection is strong. It’s been over a year now.

Is a 12 year age gap that bad? I don’t know. I do think about it which is why I’m posting.
I told myself 7 yrs my senior is my limit. I didn't expect I’d fall in love with him. It is the con, but there are so many positives. But from reading everyone’s post, it seems that this could get really hard in 20 yrs. :/

Hi OP

Ive posted a fair bit on your thread. I’m anti-age gap. I didn’t realise until I read your post how anti I was.

I watched my mum nurse my dad. I had to help her. it sucked the joy out of her. She (and to an extent me also) was incredibly restricted as to what she could do. After my dad died, my mum was only 47. She really blossomed. Got a job. Went on holiday. Want on dates. But she’d wasted years.

only you know if the age gap is to large for you, but I’m 50 and wouldn’t date a 62 yo. Men I know that age seem so old.

Are you planning on shagging him, or marrying him?

I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself here - go out with him, see if you get on. You might be totally incompatible, he might be a serial cheater, or he might turn into a grumpy old man with his pipe and slipper when he turns 65, in which case you can split up with a clear conscience (you won’t be dumping a frail old man in need of care).

If you're already in love with the guy it's a bit different isn't it? I thought it was a relationship you were considering embarking upon.
From where you are now, all you can do is consider whether the happiness of the moment is worth the price you will potentially have to pay in future. Like I said, imagine him with a 69 year old woman, and if that seems incongruous, that's pretty much what you'll be looking at when you're 56. So while it's not a big age gap now when his age isn't showing, it will likely reach a point when it is.
However, no relationship needs to be a life sentence. If you reach a point where his age is making you unhappy, you can end things then. As an older person who himself prefers a younger partner, it would be hoped he'd be understanding of your decision if it came to that.

Like I said in my earlier post I'm so glad I didn't listen to the negativity when I met my hubby. We've have 20 years of great fun, raised 2 kids and have grown into best friends. We have an active life and are like minded. He has been my absolute rock over the years and because of the age gap he is motivated and driven to keep fit and healthy. He is young at heart and is very present in our marriage. I have friends who are with men their own age who do nothing but moan about how dull and lazy their husbands are, that their husbands don't understand them and that their sex life is rubbish and that they don't make the effort etc..I can literally see that some of these men in their mid 50's are ready for their pipe and slippers, whereas mine can be found up a mountain or windsurfing or organising trips away for us.
You can't see into the future, whatever will be, will be, you could become ill and need looking after first. If you love him just go for it and enjoy your lives together x

My partners 14 years older than me - I’m 48. 8 years together and happy so far. Had difficult conversations about aging etc and have some agreements in place for such situations. I care for my adult son and I’ve made it clear I don’t want to spend my elderly years doing personal care for my partner. My mum has done it for her parents etc and has made it clear she would never ask that of her children. Mum and dad already have nursing homes selected if it came to that.

id give it a go with an open mind but make sure communication is spot on and difficult conversations and expectations are laid out.

I also know same age couples who have to care for each other - it’s a given in most relationships. I know couples where the wide has early onset dementia in her 50s. Where cancer means years of care from one or the other.

my health is worse than my partners and I’ve told him I’d never expect him to me my career long term either if the worse situation occurred.

There are no guarantees in life OP for either of you . DH is 10 years older . Our intention is that I don’t work past his retirement so we get that quality time together . Needs careful thought and planning but doable .

Date and see how it goes - but I wouldn’t write off before you get to know whether it’s a goer.

My sister was widowed and remarried, the gap is smaller around 10 years but his health has declined rapidly. He was actually a PE teacher and very fit when they first got together, just unlucky I suppose.

We can do as much as we can to keep healthy but even really healthy people get unwell. My friend died from cancer two years ago at just 53 leaving two still very young children as she had them in her forties. I had known her since a teenager and she led a very healthy lifestyle. Obviously the odds for ill heath increase for all of us as we age.

What I would say more is finances, retirement ages are way apart. How would you feel working FT still and he is retired? That’s the sort of incompatibility that’s an issue. DH and I intend to travel, I’m finding just the two years age gap a PITA as I can retire first.

Well not me but I have a now-deceased relative who told me regularly about her age-gap marriage of about 14 years and how happy it was raising a child together and so on and so forth but that she always suspected she would be a relatively young widow and she was and made a new life for herself with friends and hobbies in a lovely retirement village. I think the mental preparation had helped. She did do some caring first although for a relatively short number of years so she still had a decade or more of vigour before she herself needed some care.

I would go for it myself probably but before I did, at your age I would take account of what I wanted to do with the next 20 or more years actively, and take account of plans and money available for professional care for him, and the state of that care in this country or wherever else you might, and keeping my own finances and arrangements safe. I'd be careful to put myself first, harsh though it sounds.

But, as many will say, anything can happen. Statistically it's more likely he will need care and die earlier than you.

Absolutely YES! Go for it! Who knows what comes of it, but better do it then regret not doing it

yeah go for it

Go for it if you want to accelerate your aging.. usually, the older ones in a couple will look younger and the younger one older after few years together..

I’d enjoy the moment and not think too far ahead or make a major commitment such as moving in together. I’m 48 and I personally wouldn’t want a committed relationship with a 60/61 year old.

Go for it. I'd rather 15-20 years of happiness with someone older than a lifetime of settling with someone just because MN says anything over a 3 year gap is wrong.

This.

I think a large age gap can work if you get together early enough to have a long time together before "normal wind-down" starts, if you have 5 years together with fun and freedom and then hit the "wind-down" then you've not had much to draw on during the tougher years.

I find it so strange on here. If I posted that I have psoriasis that is spreading and also feeling pain symptoms of psoriatic arthritis that could culminate with me being in a wheelchair then the posts would say that my DH should stay and care for me.

However if I posted that my DH was 17 years older I would be told to run as I’d end up being his carer!

it really does make people look shallow. Either that or they never really love their partners.

The (abusive) ex was 14 years younger than me. This was not why the relationship did not work, and I have no doubt he will die long before me - barring acccidents.

He was already falling to pieces in his 30s. It's completely individual. At 80, I would no doubt have been looking after him at 66.

Does it not make the older partner look equally bad that they're prepared to enhance their own later years at the expense of their loved ones middle age?

But when I look around at my peers in same-age relationships I can’t see how their middle age years are going to be much more fantastic than mine anyway - they are having to take mortgages until they are 70, having kids now (at 40) with high childcare costs and worries about how to contribute enough to pensions.

My friends say that I’ve accidentally played a blinder marrying an older man as the house is nearly paid off (I’m 40), we chose to have our kids when I was a bit younger due to our age gap so they are teenagers now and will get DH’s tax free lump sum for house deposits when he takes early retirement in few years (he will start a small business at that point but also likes the idea of helping the kids renovate first properties etc).

I have had a couple of promotions recently and it’s nice to have a clear runway ahead to go further in my career while DH is winding down on his, with him doing more of the teenager lifts, cooking etc. He minimises life stress so much! I do have an autoimmune condition and so I want to get as far as I can in my career with a view to early retirement/Jobshare if my health deteriorates - ideally spending time in the sun for my joints!

Statistically there is a high chance that I will be widowed so we have prioritised my pension since my 20s in order to have the peace of mind later on. I also get half of DH’s work pension after he passes, until I die. There will be money to get care in if I or DH need it. But I love him deeply so can’t imagine resenting any help I need to give him. We have both had life ups and downs where one has had to help the other.

Honestly, if you asked any of my friends they would say that my middle age years look far more enhanced than theirs do! They are quite doom and gloom about what their 50s/60s/70s look like.

Some of these posts are awful. If you love someone then you care for them if they become ill. He’d do the same for you! Very easy to worry about ‘what ifs’. Not all 80 year olds are decrepit. For all you know you will become seriously unwell at 60! Live your life now.

So they shouldn’t stay with a loved one ‘in case’ they need caring for? it works both ways. Horrible post.

This is exactly right, I wouldn't regret a second of caring for the man I've loved.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 19/07/2023 22:28
I suppose the question is, why are you dating him?
If you actually love him, it simply won’t matter.
And if you don’t love him, then his age is the least of your worries.”

This.

At the time an older person starts a relationship with someone many years their junior, they are not a 'loved one' they are merely a young person they're attracted to. They have every choice not to persue a relationship with someone who, even if not ending up their carer, is highly likely to end up restricting their own lives because of them. Yet they go ahead anyway. Of course they do, because they want a younger partner.
There's nothing 'horrible' about encouraging a younger woman seeking advice on the subject to consider her own interests, when the older person is so obviously putting their's first. Nor is it horrible to point out the inherent selfishness of that.

I recently went on a couple of dates but have decided not to take it any further as I've discovered he's 18 years older than me, I'm 47, him 65. I'd dropped my age into our conversations a couple of times, but he was cagey about giving his, so I asked him outright and after some coaxing, he told me eventually. I'd guessed about 60.

He's a nice man, but 18 years is just too much for me. He's also recently retired.

I'd a previous relationship where he was 10 older and that was fine - that's probably as far as I'd go, just for practical reasons.