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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or am I overreacting?

80 replies

Bellabee3 · 16/07/2023 18:03

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel a fraud for what I’m about to write. My friends think I’m in an abusive relationship but I’m struggling to see it - I think I know deep down I am but every time I tell myself it’s not who he really is….plus other people go through so much more.

I thought maybe if I listed some things that happen to me then maybe other people could help me to see it or tell me if it’s normal ….

  • Name calling slut, slag , if you dressed better I’d take you out more, no one else will want you, why would I want to commit to ‘that’
  • When we argue he loses his temper - pushes me, hands round my throat , damages my belongings and threatens to damage. This isn’t very often.
  • Makes me jump through hoops to progress our relationship.
  • Causes arguments before I go out.

Theres more but these are some of the main things. He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t muster up enough strength to leave my home and get away. He has moments when he’s nice , considerate and feels like he genuinely cares but it’s never consistent.

OP posts:
athema · 16/07/2023 18:04

In the nicest possible way, how are you "struggling to see it"?

Clutchy · 16/07/2023 18:04

What has happened in your life that you think a man who puts his hands around your throat is anything other than abusive?

He’s going to kill you.

Redglitter · 16/07/2023 18:05

athema · 16/07/2023 18:04

In the nicest possible way, how are you "struggling to see it"?

This 100%

Listen to your friends

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 16/07/2023 18:06

Get rid. Before your friends are standing bedside your coffin.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 16/07/2023 18:07

You're 100% in an abusive relationship and are actually in serious danger if he's putting his hands round your neck.
Leave before he kills you

Housefullofcatsandkids · 16/07/2023 18:07

Definitely abuse, leave now before he seriously hurts you!

cestlavielife · 16/07/2023 18:08

hands round my throat

And you make sure to do his bidding so it doesnt happen right?
You are in sn zbusive snd dzngetous situation
You need to leave
Go see a counsellor on your own
Get your things together and leave
Do not tell him

Exoect him to cry first and then be angry .be very careful.

neilyoungismyhero · 16/07/2023 18:09

I read the first line and thought hell yes, then read the rest..you need to leave - listen to your friends.

halfpintshandypants · 16/07/2023 18:09

Bellabee3 · 16/07/2023 18:03

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel a fraud for what I’m about to write. My friends think I’m in an abusive relationship but I’m struggling to see it - I think I know deep down I am but every time I tell myself it’s not who he really is….plus other people go through so much more.

I thought maybe if I listed some things that happen to me then maybe other people could help me to see it or tell me if it’s normal ….

  • Name calling slut, slag , if you dressed better I’d take you out more, no one else will want you, why would I want to commit to ‘that’
  • When we argue he loses his temper - pushes me, hands round my throat , damages my belongings and threatens to damage. This isn’t very often.
  • Makes me jump through hoops to progress our relationship.
  • Causes arguments before I go out.

Theres more but these are some of the main things. He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t muster up enough strength to leave my home and get away. He has moments when he’s nice , considerate and feels like he genuinely cares but it’s never consistent.

Is it your home? Some domestic abuse charities can help you stay put. Losing your home is daunting. If not, you must leave.

This man is extremely dangerous and as this behaviour always escalates, your life is in peril.

You are worthy of everything and deserve a life free from abuse.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2023 18:09

I honestly do not get how you are struggling to see it? Putting his hands round your throat? That's a criminal level of abuse. Not only should you leave immediately, you need to call the police.

orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 18:12

yes, of course that is seriously abusive, and the fact that he is kind and considerate some times is part of the abuse, because it makes you care about him, gets your hopes up, makes you minimise the abuse, and generally messes with your head.

Scousefab · 16/07/2023 18:14

Contact domestic abuse charity immediately in your area. Do you live together and are you financially dependent on him? They can help with that too by offering shelter and support. If you’re still living at home please tell you parents immediately. Think to yourself if this was. A friend of yours and you were observing what would you think? Sending hugs sounds like he has gas lighted you into thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

SadieContrary · 16/07/2023 18:14

Sweetheart… if a friend was telling you she faced this, you’d be telling her she’s in an abusive relationship.

My DH and I have been together over 10y and yes, we’ve sometimes disagreed on things and on occasion we’ve argued and fallen out but never once has he called me a name, laid a finger on me or suggested I do better etc.

Deep down you know you’re in an abusive relationship and stating that ‘some people face worse’ is a sign that your self-esteem is in your boots and I suspect that he’s been gaslighting you too, hence why you’re doubting yourself.

If you had a daughter, would you want her to be with someone like him?

Sending you some strength across the cyber world to do what’s right for you. Hugs.

1980to1989 · 16/07/2023 18:24

OP, you need this man out of your life. Men who strangle are more likely to kill. There have been studies done on this - so please start making plans to exit this relationship. Womens aid will give you advice about the best way to go about this, safely.

The hands around your throat part aside... The rest is bloody awful too and more than enough reason to not continue with this man.

A man that can be 'nice' some of the time, isn't that 'nice' at all. He's manipulative.

You're not responsible for his actions - say this out loud, and believe it. And please, please contact womens aid when it's safe for you to do so.

mummee03 · 16/07/2023 18:27

The words along are abusive. Any man who lays their hands on a woman in a relationship is absolutely abuse xx

Oldermum84 · 16/07/2023 18:28

Yes, abuse.

BetterDays2223 · 16/07/2023 18:30

What you’ve described is extremely abusive. I know it’s hard to acknowledge but if you want a life on this earth, you HAVE TO get out.

Please find the strength to leave. I resonate with most of what you described and left 18 months ago. As hard as it’s been, nothing is harder than where you are right now.

He will kill you if you stay. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but it will never, ever get better.

I’m wishing you much love and strength. Lean on your friends 💓

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2023 18:34

Op - this thread could go on for a billion responses and not a single one would say it isn't abuse.

CovertImage · 16/07/2023 18:50

I've no patience any more for this kind of post. "My husband stops just short of murdering me - is that abuse?"

Ridiculous

BlastedPimples · 16/07/2023 18:59

Fucking hell. He's such an abusive bully. Please get out before he murders you.

redheadcurl · 16/07/2023 19:00

Yes it's abuse and you are in a trauma bond. It will be hard for you to leave but the sooner you make steps to do this the better you will feel.

BlastedPimples · 16/07/2023 19:02

@CovertImage have you been an abusive relationship yourself?

CrunchyCarrot · 16/07/2023 19:02

You're in an abusive relationship, OP, and quite a bad one at that. Please take steps to get yourself out of it because things will only get worse. Speaking from experience.

goldcheese · 16/07/2023 19:14

OP, many, many years ago I went to work with bruises on my arm. I thought that as he hadn't actually punched me, it wasn't abuse. He had pushed me and punched the wall next to my head.

He had started with put downs and then verbal abuse when I was vulnerable when I had a baby. I believed that it was my fault for making him angry....and I am usually a very strong person. That's what abuse does, it starts out small until you don't trust your own judgement, and then escalates.

A colleague to whom I will always be thankful put me very straight that it was in fact abuse.

In the various relationships I had with men after that, not one man ever put me down, pushed me, raised their fist etc. I am trying to say that this is absolutely not normal behaviour, and anyone who is suffering worse is also in an abusive relationship. Please leave now before it does become worse, because it always does.

GoldDuster · 16/07/2023 19:16

Yes this is abusive without doubt. Your friends are right and they are trying to help you.

Contact a Domestic Abuse service and get help to get out, Women's Aid is a good one.

Yes some women have it worse; some women don't survive.