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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or am I overreacting?

80 replies

Bellabee3 · 16/07/2023 18:03

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel a fraud for what I’m about to write. My friends think I’m in an abusive relationship but I’m struggling to see it - I think I know deep down I am but every time I tell myself it’s not who he really is….plus other people go through so much more.

I thought maybe if I listed some things that happen to me then maybe other people could help me to see it or tell me if it’s normal ….

  • Name calling slut, slag , if you dressed better I’d take you out more, no one else will want you, why would I want to commit to ‘that’
  • When we argue he loses his temper - pushes me, hands round my throat , damages my belongings and threatens to damage. This isn’t very often.
  • Makes me jump through hoops to progress our relationship.
  • Causes arguments before I go out.

Theres more but these are some of the main things. He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t muster up enough strength to leave my home and get away. He has moments when he’s nice , considerate and feels like he genuinely cares but it’s never consistent.

OP posts:
LividHot · 16/07/2023 19:17

Social Services consider hands on throat a huge risk factor.

You KNOW you need to get out.

Iamkittycat · 16/07/2023 19:17

You don't see it because you have been conditioned to think it is normal. This is trauma bonding.

The thing to do is talk about it, and watch the reaction of your friends.

If you haven't been there, you don't understand how hard it is to accept. It took me nearly 18 months of therapy before I could truly recognise it.

empatheticpretzel · 16/07/2023 19:18

Bellabee3 · 16/07/2023 18:03

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel a fraud for what I’m about to write. My friends think I’m in an abusive relationship but I’m struggling to see it - I think I know deep down I am but every time I tell myself it’s not who he really is….plus other people go through so much more.

I thought maybe if I listed some things that happen to me then maybe other people could help me to see it or tell me if it’s normal ….

  • Name calling slut, slag , if you dressed better I’d take you out more, no one else will want you, why would I want to commit to ‘that’
  • When we argue he loses his temper - pushes me, hands round my throat , damages my belongings and threatens to damage. This isn’t very often.
  • Makes me jump through hoops to progress our relationship.
  • Causes arguments before I go out.

Theres more but these are some of the main things. He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t muster up enough strength to leave my home and get away. He has moments when he’s nice , considerate and feels like he genuinely cares but it’s never consistent.

If this isn't abuse, what is? Yes its abuse, call womens aid on monday x

RoseBucket · 16/07/2023 19:18

@Bellabee3 would you talk to and treat your friends like, if not, why not?

Original poster
Bellabee3 · 16/07/2023 21:33

@RoseBucket no I definitely wouldn’t because it’s not right.
I can’t explain why I make excuses for him in my head - it doesn’t even make sense to me

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/07/2023 21:36

You make excuses because he messes with your head. That’s what abusers do or they would never get away with it. The name calling alone is awful and abusive. The hands around your throat makes my blood run cold. That’s a massive indicator that he could possibly end up killing you. Seriously. Seriously scary.

GetYourHandsOffMyCake · 16/07/2023 21:40

He's a horrible bastard.

He calls you horrible names, belittles you, has shattered your confidence, physically attacks you (hands around your throat), and breaks your things.

If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you to get out as soon as possible, and I'd get the police to that nasty bastard. Please, get out NOW

toochesterdraws · 16/07/2023 21:48

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2023 21:36

You make excuses because he messes with your head. That’s what abusers do or they would never get away with it. The name calling alone is awful and abusive. The hands around your throat makes my blood run cold. That’s a massive indicator that he could possibly end up killing you. Seriously. Seriously scary.

Absolutely spot on.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 16/07/2023 21:48

Yea. It's obviously abuse. Verbal abuse is name calling and demeaning language. Physical abuse is pushing you and choking you and destroying your things.

pimplesquisher · 16/07/2023 22:14

What are you struggling to see?

AuntMarch · 16/07/2023 22:22

Just reading the title, my first thought was "If you feel like it might be abusive, it isn't right either way"

Then actually reading your post. Fucking run.

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 16/07/2023 22:27

Yes that's abuse. And so is love bombing you and telling you it's your fault he's angry or that you made him do horrible things. It's all abuse.

Opentooffers · 16/07/2023 22:33

Yes this is very serious and extremely abusive behaviour, and no, you are majorly under-reacting - to answer your question.

Original poster
Bellabee3 · 17/07/2023 08:33

Thank you - He says I'm the abusive one and that everything he does is self defence but it's not true. I sit there and question myself - I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/07/2023 09:14

Because he’s an abuser and he’s messing with your head. Have you spoken to anyone in RL?

BlastedPimples · 17/07/2023 09:26

@Bellabee3 read about DARVO. It's a classic abuser approach to making themselves the victim.

Original poster
Bellabee3 · 17/07/2023 09:49

@Wolfiefan What is RL sorry?

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 17/07/2023 09:55

Bellabee3 · 17/07/2023 09:49

@Wolfiefan What is RL sorry?

Real life.

Carebearflair · 17/07/2023 09:56

I think it's very clearly abusive.

Nofreshstarthere22 · 17/07/2023 09:57

Of course you are

meadowlarklemon · 17/07/2023 10:03

Bellabee3 · 17/07/2023 08:33

Thank you - He says I'm the abusive one and that everything he does is self defence but it's not true. I sit there and question myself - I feel like I'm going mad

This is exactly what my ex did to me in family court. He would always tell me I was the abusive one.

Do you have children with him? take it from me, you don't want that.

You need to just leave.

yellowsmileyface · 17/07/2023 10:26

He just has this way with of making it feel my fault

Oh OP, I know exactly what you mean. It's crazy how cruel they can be, and yet how they can twist things to make you really feel like it's your fault. And they do it so effortlessly you don't even realise what's happening.

I think one of the confusing things is that they have a way of seeming so sure of themselves, whilst you're feeling confused and uncertain. It tricks you into considering that their version of things must be right, because they seem so sure, and you feel so unsure. This is just the effects of gaslighting though. The only reason he seems so sure of anything is because he has a deeply illogical and irrational mind. You're trying to find logic and rationality where there isn't any, and it's literally driving you mad.

Agree with a PP upthread, looking up the DARVO technique. This is what he's doing to make you feel at fault.

Also look up the cycle of abuse. It's another tactic he's employing to prevent you from leaving.

He is 100% abusive. Don't fall into the trap of minimising it because other women have it worse. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero. Please contact women's aid for advice and support.

Is this abuse or am I overreacting?
SadieContrary · 17/07/2023 16:21

Hey @Bellabee3
checking in to see how you’re doing

Original poster
Bellabee3 · 17/07/2023 17:22

@SadieContrary thank you , I’m ok. I’ve contacted a domestic abuse charity today and my doctors referred me to the mental health team for support.
im just keeping busy and trying to stay out the way until I can find somewhere else to go .

OP posts:
Twillow · 17/07/2023 17:27

Hey lovely, sorry you are going through this. It's not you, it's him.

Please, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - free online here:
chrome-https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It really helped me when I was going through similar. It messes with your head and you lose the ability to see straight, I know. Keep asking yourself what would you say to your best friend or your sister if it was them going through this x

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