Is this abuse or am I overreacting?

[Bellabee3]

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel a fraud for what I’m about to write. My friends think I’m in an abusive relationship but I’m struggling to see it - I think I know deep down I am but every time I tell myself it’s not who he really is….plus other people go through so much more.

I thought maybe if I listed some things that happen to me then maybe other people could help me to see it or tell me if it’s normal ….

• Name calling slut, slag , if you dressed better I’d take you out more, no one else will want you, why would I want to commit to ‘that’
• When we argue he loses his temper - pushes me, hands round my throat , damages my belongings and threatens to damage. This isn’t very often.
• Makes me jump through hoops to progress our relationship.
• Causes arguments before I go out.

Theres more but these are some of the main things. He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t muster up enough strength to leave my home and get away. He has moments when he’s nice , considerate and feels like he genuinely cares but it’s never consistent.

I realise I don’t know you from Adam, but you’ve been on my mind since you first posted this and I originally replied. I’m absolutely rooting for you and sending you every best wish as you find the strength you need. Be kind to yourself

Simply calling you names is abuse.

The rest of it? Awful.

The strangling?

• "If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.
• Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence.

(lethal, as in, dead.)

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Run.

"He just has this way with of making it feel my fault - like i made him angry enough to do those things."

The more you read up on abuse, the more you realise this is almost like a playbook for abusers. They all do it.

OP please leave as soon as you can.

My cousin was in a relationship exactly like this. It was only when he assaulted her badly enough to put her in hospital and police were called that she found the strength to leave.

Two years later, he beat his new gf to death and is currently serving a life sentence.

Please do whatever it takes to leave. Even if it means sleeping on someone’s sofa short term. At least you’ll be safe

It’s abuse. I wouldn’t put up with any of it from my DH. He encourages me to go out, he’s hopeless at compliments but he’s never called me names or said I look bad. Your DP shouldn’t speak to you like that and certainly shouldn’t touch you or break your belongings.

First point was a yes and then it just went down hill.....lots of people have it worse....by that do you mean dead? Don't settle for this shit

Do you have a car? My advice is pack your ID (you will need this stuff for benefits, housing, registering with new GP etc etc) a change of clothes a pair of trainers spare phone charger etc. enough to get you through a few days but not enough for it to be obvious you have packed it. Same for your kids if you have kids. Also don't forget treasured items eg photo albums.

Even better leave it all with a friend so it's not in the car to be found. Could you lend a friend your laptop? Etc.

When leaving an abusive relationship you make plans but often it will happen suddenly. And abusive men are the most dangerous when they realise you are leaving. They then have power over you when you have to come back and collect your stuff- try make sure you can walk away and not need what you leave.

He sounds bad OP. remember it's a journey. Many many women go back many times before they leave for good. Contact woman's aid, do the freedom program make friends there. Listen to your friends. Post on here. Do not fall for his gaslighting when he twists it back to you are at fault. You absolutely are not at fault and should not have to live with even the name calling let alone all the rest xx

Leave or kick him out whichever applies and report him to the police.

he will probably kill you if he’s already putting his hands round your throat. Please speak to women’s aid for help to get out and also do the freedom program.
good luck

I'm afraid I have to agree with this.

A victim of domestic abuse once told me the first time a partner hits you you're furious; the second time you wonder what on earth you've done to deserve it; but by the third time you're convinced you deserve it and no one else will want you. This can happen in a couple of weeks.

Please leave.

“This isn’t very often.”

Okay. Follow me for a second here…

I’m baking you a cake. All the best organic, fresh ingredients, gourmet chocolate, everything top of the line perfection.

Then I add two heaping tablespoons of dog poop to the batter.

Are you going to eat the cake? After all, MOST of the ingredients are perfect.

Any abuse, like dog poop in a cake, is reason to say no. It’s not about how much, it’s that there should bevy, EVER, be any.

Read back what you have put. He is treating you like rubbish. Walk away now and be happier by yourself, find someone who will treat you better. If he loved you and cared about you, he would take you out and calling you a slut is a cheap childish move on his part. It’s not something you even think about when associating your girlfriend never mind say it.

This is such a good analogy.

I really appreciate all the support thank you - Does anyone have any coping technics to keep reminding themselves of what's happened? I don't know if it's normal but it's almost like my brain forgets everything as soon as he starts being nice.

Like this morning - checking in on me , making sure I'm ok - he then says if I'd just done this or that then things would be 100% different. I then start doubting myself

since youre asking, I don't know if its safe for you to do this but in my case, I secretly recorded every conversation and listened back

@empatheticpretzel Yes, I've tried to do this but I doubt myself so much I listen back and convince myself I sound awful

Would it help to re-read this thread whenever you're starting to forget how bad things are? I also noticed someone upthread linked to the book "Why Does He Do That". I second that recommendation, and perhaps reading it would help to affirm your experiences. Lastly, think about whether you would you be happy for any of your female friends, sister, or mother to be in your relationship? Would you tell them that his nasty and threatening behaviour is fine because he's being nice to them now? If not, why is it something you're telling yourself?

I do understand, and it's normal in this situation. When we're experiencing abuse, especially psychological abuse, our brains don't fully process it and it sort of tricks us into believing things aren't that bad, and we have a selective memory, choosing to shut out all the horrible things. It's a survival mechanism. It's just your mind trying to cope with it all. But it doesn't do us any good in the long run to just forgive and forget, because it will keep happening and it will get worse.

Can I just make a point?

Please stop using phrases like this - ‘strength to leave.’ It’s ignorant.

Victims don’t lack strength. They lack information. They lack resources. They lack a world that supports women. They lack a society that provides an easy and safe exit.

Stop perpetuating the myth that abused women are somehow weak.

The abuser is weak.

Op - you have strength in spades. You don’t need to find it. It is already in you, every single day. You have asked for help. You are courageous and brave.

Keep posting sister. I look forward to the day you post about your new home and your new life.

It's really hard when someone is so convinced that you're the issue. You poor thing.

Two things to bear in mind. One, your perception of the situation is completely valid. And two, it's completely irrelevant if he doesn't agree with you. In fact, he will likely never see your side of this. It's too important to his ego to convince himself that the only reason he's behaving badly is because he's being forced to.

What he thinks is total rubbish. No one makes him do things. His behaviour and his actions are always his own choice. He may well be convinced that if only you'd crept around him better, not triggered him, not set him off, walked on more eggshells around him, kept quiet, been docile, been his little slave, essentially, he would have had everything his own way and he wouldn't have had to get uncomfortable, or mad, or had emotions he didn't know how to deal with.

No one gets to live like that. We all have to learn how to process our feelings without bullying or hurting others.

The best thing you can do is get away to a place where you don't have to listen to such bizarre logic from him. If you can't get away just yet, keep your inner dialogue up. Don't bother questioning him, trying to persuade him, none of that. Treat him like someone trying to tell you that he's a Martian and he's got a space gun he's going to use to blow up Surrey. Because what he's actually saying makes about as much sense.

I got as far as the first 4 words in your first bullet point. Yes. Abusive.

No loving partner EVER uses language like this with vitriol towards the person they love.

Yes this is a very abusive relationship. You are in danger of strangulation and, therefore, death.

Can you get away? Do not tell him you are going or when. Just pack your important papers and clothes and get the hell away from him.

Look up the cycle of abuse. You'll recognise the 'honeymoon phase' though it sounds like he's combining it with gaslighting at the same time.

I kept an abuse diary. Just a simple statement of the facts of what happened. Looking back through it is horrifying. To think I stayed with him for so long and the things my children went through too - one of them has permanent mental health issues as a result. But I always kept wishing for the 'honeymoon phase' where he was kind and funny, couldn't understand how this man I fell in love with could suddenly snap and throw tea at me, smash precious things I'd been given by family, kick me, say he would kill me, accuse me of infidelity when I had lost the confidence to even go out socially...and of course tell me it was all my fault.

Update: I’m feeling stronger in myself atm and I’ve written a diary etc. he’s gone away for a few days and is now asking - would it change anything if he agreed to have a baby?

I know this is just to claw me back but it’s hard to stop the little voice in my head

To stay with this man would be foolish and self destructive.

To even consider having a child with him would be irresponsible and unthinkably selfish.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN

keep coming back and reading this thread and get out