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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I A Needy Bitch

93 replies

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 11:25

Hello All
Im a 55 year old woman and been seeing a guy for 3 years who is 8 years older. He’s done well for himself but his money is his. I support myself working fulltime. I had to raise two kids practically alone and start all over after a divorce years ago. I don’t own my own home. My bf does. Obviously I don’t expect him to help me financially unless I was in a real emergency.
Anyway, in a year he will buy a motor home and he wants to enjoy some travelling and even talking about going places for a few months at a time. I realise when you get to retirement it’s time to enjoy your freedom and hard earned money. It is many peoples goals to do travelling.
I cannot join him as I’ve got a good ten years before I can retire. I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away. I don’t want to stand in his way, but I feel it’s not good for a relationship to spend longish periods apart as one place he intends going to for up to 6 months. I also know there’s a bit of an age gap so it sees us at different stages of life.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 16/07/2023 11:32

It sounds like he is ending the relationship next year and is letting you know now .
Youve been seeing him for three years but your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s progressing.
I certainly would’nt be his housekeeper whilst he is on holiday!

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 11:34

He says I can come with him when it’s shorter trips and can get time off work. Realistically though he’s got plans of travelling locally and abroad and not only do I have to work, I cannot afford to travel much. I just wonder if this will affect or end our relationship

OP posts:

Tangerinedreams3 · 16/07/2023 11:39

He's too old for you anyway, and he's not committed. I'd move on.

LimeCheesecake · 16/07/2023 11:44

Do you live in his house or one you rent yourself?

this is a problem with age gap relationships, you end up at different stages.

I would worry you’ll end up enabling his retirement plans, then when you are old enough to retire, he’ll have gone past that and not be able to join you on any adventures /you’ll end up caring for him.

perhaps start looking at ending this relationship.

ZekeZeke · 16/07/2023 11:46

You say I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away

You also say, you don't own your own home.
So, do you live together or live close by?
8 years isn't a large age gap. 18 yes, but 8? No.

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 11:50

I cannot retire until minimum 65 which is 10 years from now. He is retiring in 12 months so we won’t be doing much together. I was renting a house but he then invited me to move in with him and I pay him some rent each week

OP posts:

PTSDBarbiegirl · 16/07/2023 11:52

Sounds like you are a pet sitting house keeper with no pay. When you retire you'll be ready to be his carer. He's sounds on a different planet, don't agree. Find new friends you can relate to and tell him to mind his own pets!!!

ZekeZeke · 16/07/2023 11:57

You are in a vulnerable position by not being married.
He seems to be getting all of the benefits of living with you.
Sex, housekeeper, animal keeper.

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 11:58

Yes well he will probably be closer to 75 when I can retire and not wanting to have much adventures. I don’t mind him doing his travelling but if he genuinely cared, I feel he would not want to go away for such long periods without me. I even worry will he be hooking up whilst away.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 16/07/2023 12:01

So he will be using you as a pet sitting service? Hell no, start looking at putting a roof over your own head. What happens in a couple of years time when pets are no more and he decides to sell the house?

He's not a keeper and you will end up seriously hurt.

UndercoverCop · 16/07/2023 12:01

Surely you were paying out a lot more when you were renting than you are now? Either save/invest that money to retire earlier or use it to fly out and join him for parts of his travels?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/07/2023 12:02

He's too old for you anyway

He's 63 with an 8 year age difference. That's hardly decrepit or older man with much younger woman. And isn't 'too old for you' for the OP to decide anyway?

UndercoverCop · 16/07/2023 12:02

I don't see how he's using you, when you've moved into his home for 'a bit of rent money', surely this is mutually beneficial

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:07

When I sold my furniture and appliances I put that money in a separate account and always make sure I have enough saved if I have to move out into my own rental again and buy furniture. But - as you say, we are not married and everything around me is his and there’s no signs of him ever sharing anything with me. I sometimes feel like I’ll be a convenience only

OP posts:

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:08

At the moment I don’t feel used. My point is does it seem unfair or a relationship killer for him to plan to travel regularly for months on end when he retires soon knowing I won’t be able to join him

OP posts:

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/07/2023 12:09

No real suggestions op, but please don't get trapped into pet and house sitting for him whilst you work and then becoming his carer when you retire and you don't get the benefits from your retirement

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:15

He owns his home. I pay rent to cover rates and electricity and buy groceries. It’s fair. But he did say if he’s away travelling 6 months, he will get in a temporary lodger for extra rent income. I don’t know I’d feel happy with someone else around, although I know it’s his house so his choice

OP posts:

Johnisafckface · 16/07/2023 12:18

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:08

for some it would be okay but for me yes it would make me feel as if he didn’t care that much about me if he’s happy to choose to leave me behind for such long periods of time. A week at a time a few times a year I could work with but months at a time is too much.

RandomMess · 16/07/2023 12:18

You moving in is probably the reason he can afford to retire AND then travel because you have subsidised day to day living costs and then will look after his pets.

He is being completely self-centred.

Wherearemymarbles · 16/07/2023 12:22

You are at different life stages. Him wanting to travel is perfectly reasonable - he might be dead or in too poor health to do it when you’re 65. So that is probably more important to him than you - fair enough

What he is asking of you is unreasonable but only you can decide if its a deal breaker.

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 12:22

It's tricky OP. He's obviously got plans for his retirement that he's probably been looking forward to for years. I can understand that he doesn't want to give up on them - this is his last opportunity. But yes, it's not great for you and he's definitely sending the message that he's unwilling to prioritise you over himself. If you want someone who can commit fully to the relationship you may need to move on.

TheCatterall · 16/07/2023 12:24

You are paying him to be his live in housekeeper for most of the year whilst he travels. Will you also be managing the household admin and ensuring bills are paid and any work or repairs done @Danif68?

What are you actually going to get from the relationship from next year whilst he’s off travelling the world?

my partner is 14 years older than me - 62 to my 48. I’m self employed and he will
start to reduce his hours next year and retire at 65. I have a long way to go due to a lifetime as a single parent and I’m only just able to really start putting big numbers into a pension now. He’s planning travelling in his van and abroad, but so that we can both enjoy this time he’s also working in plenty of city breaks and U.K. camping tours so I can join him and it’s affordable to me. Yes he’s doing a few trips and festivals I can’t join him on (and some I’m not interested in) but after 8 years together if he wanted to leave me at home for 6 months I don’t think he’d have a partner to come home to.

It does feel like a relationship killer to me. If it weren’t for you sitting at home - what would he be doing with his house and pets? Paying someone a hefty sum to manage them all?! How much money are you saving him?

Is this really what you want the last decade of your working life to be like. You house sitting and pet sitting for a partner that’s never around. What do you plan for your retirement age? Will it be feasible with him on his later years? What happens if he needs care as he ages? Is the house left to you or others in his will? Imagine living with him and caring for the house and animals - and him - only to be left homeless in 20+ years when he passes.

being in love is wonderful. But having a plan and security and looking after yourself brings some comfort.

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:25

He is worth nearly 2 million in real estate and I know I must stand on my own 2 feet which I do, but he has never offered to pay for anything for me. He says he will loan me money interest free if I get stuck. I’m sure he can tell by now I’m not after his money.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 16/07/2023 12:26

Get your autonomy back OP and move out. Don't be his house/ pet sitter (with a lodger thrown in) whilst he's enjoying his travels. He has every right to enjoy his retirement but not at your expense. To me he doesn't sound committed and at 55 you are young enough to find someone more compatible.

Original poster

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:38

I did tactfully voice my concerns to him about being gone for long periods. I definitely understand him wanting to do things while he’s fit enough. I just wish he would factor me into some plans so we are not apart for so long. He told me not to be selfish and let him enjoy himself. Said it’s not his fault I cannot afford to retire or semi retire and join him.
you make some valid points

OP posts:

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