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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I A Needy Bitch

93 replies

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 11:25

Hello All
Im a 55 year old woman and been seeing a guy for 3 years who is 8 years older. He’s done well for himself but his money is his. I support myself working fulltime. I had to raise two kids practically alone and start all over after a divorce years ago. I don’t own my own home. My bf does. Obviously I don’t expect him to help me financially unless I was in a real emergency.
Anyway, in a year he will buy a motor home and he wants to enjoy some travelling and even talking about going places for a few months at a time. I realise when you get to retirement it’s time to enjoy your freedom and hard earned money. It is many peoples goals to do travelling.
I cannot join him as I’ve got a good ten years before I can retire. I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away. I don’t want to stand in his way, but I feel it’s not good for a relationship to spend longish periods apart as one place he intends going to for up to 6 months. I also know there’s a bit of an age gap so it sees us at different stages of life.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/07/2023 14:56

I don’t believe that a well off bloke in his sixties is going to enjoy living in a camper van for six months , tbh. He’ll be back.

Whether he will find on his return a housekeeper who pays him for the privilege, rather than being paid for her services, is up to you. Hint::I wouldn’t be.

Grendell · 16/07/2023 15:08

What was his plan going to be if he had not placed you in-home to house/pet sit?

Wherearemymarbles · 16/07/2023 16:03

OP
he considers you a long term fwb.
he might go to se Asia, meet a young woman who properly massages his ego, sells the house with you in it leaving you homeless with his pets.

A man who is only interested in younger women is a walking red flag. Bide you time but end this relationship

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:32

You don’t say whether the idea is something that even really appeals to you or not

it’s all about him

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:34

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:25

He is worth nearly 2 million in real estate and I know I must stand on my own 2 feet which I do, but he has never offered to pay for anything for me. He says he will loan me money interest free if I get stuck. I’m sure he can tell by now I’m not after his money.

Does he have children?

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:35

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 12:58

He will leave everything to his 3 children one day. I don’t expect to be factored in financially as I didn’t help but his houses or assets. I know he will never marry me or anyone again. That’s ok too. But I do feel after 3 years together he seems rather aloof where his plans don’t include me

Ok so he does

I don’t see a grotty man only wanting to be with young women

I see a very financially astute business man who wishes to retire early and wants everything to go to his three children 🤷‍♀️

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:36

I see a very financially astute business man who wishes to retire early and wants everything to go to his three children 🤷‍♀️

oh and isn’t very into you I’m afraid to say

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:38

Grendell · 16/07/2023 15:08

What was his plan going to be if he had not placed you in-home to house/pet sit?

He’s been clear

rent out

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:41

Danif68 · 16/07/2023 14:21

I’m starting to think he’s more suited to someone who wants a more casual relationship. Our goals don’t align and if he’s already feeling like I’m trying to stop his freedom and being too demanding, there’s more than likely not going to be a positive outcome down the track

He’s wants something casual

There is nothing wrong with that

OP, you’re not happy. So move out. He won’t fight you to stay.

DarkForces · 16/07/2023 16:45

He does know he'd usually pay a pet sitter? Not demand rent. He sounds awful

Hateitissues · 16/07/2023 16:48

DarkForces · 16/07/2023 16:45

He does know he'd usually pay a pet sitter? Not demand rent. He sounds awful

If op moves out
he won’t fight it
he will get a tenant
and he will get a pet sitter

the op though will be back in a very different area in a much less nice house and spending more money.

It’s very clear that he just wants casual and isn’t bothered about the op
but the op has put all her eggs in one basket and consequently is very much “needy”

Grendell · 16/07/2023 19:40

Well, I agree with you - he should want to spend time with you and not look forward to big chunks of time away - and then the living arrangement with you seems so transactional, plus, the 2nd tenant (male) is not ideal, and a step too far if you ask me - but the boyfriend needs to fund his travels somehow, I suppose.

VictoriaVenkman · 18/07/2023 07:52

You're being used OP. I'd be running a mile.

perfectcolourfound · 18/07/2023 08:15

If these are plans he's had for many years for his retirement, I can kind of see why he'd like to still do it (*)

If they are plans he's made while he's been with you, it's not so understandable. As a couple, you might retire at different times, but you still don't plan separate lives.

*However, the fact he hasn't changed or tweaked those plans, bearing in mind he's in a committed relationship, shows he isn't at all bothered about being away from you for months at a time.

Your posts paint a picture of a man who is entitled, selfish, thinks you should be grateful to live in his house, thinks he should so whatever he wants, but if you state a need or opinion you're being 'needy' (by that he means he should always get his own way and you should always give way to him. Anything else is you being needy and selfish).

Your children don't like him.
He talks about bringing in a lodger, with no thought for how that might leave you. He's committing you to living with a stranger while he's off on extended holidays.
He assumes you will be housekeeper and pet sitter while he's off having the time of his life with other people.

I think you are a useful person for him to have around but that he doesn't 'see' you. He doesn't consider you his partner, his equal. He doesn't want to spend as much time with you as he can. He treats you a bit like staff.

Honestly, I think this has run its course, and I would suggest leaving now.

At the very least, I suggest moving out and back in to your own place, and start to get some distance between you. You have very good reason - you don't want to be forced to live with a stranger in a few months time. You'd rather be in your own place with your own privacy. He can sort out his own housekeeper and pet sitter. You have a life and a paid job already.

But seriously, I'd leave him. You deserve better than this selfish, self-centred, arrogant entitled man.

fetchacloth · 18/07/2023 08:30

Tangerinedreams3 · 16/07/2023 11:39

He's too old for you anyway, and he's not committed. I'd move on.

Sadly I agree with this.
I get that he wants to enjoy his retirement and he should, but I do wonder where you fit into all this 😏.
Another way of looking at this is perhaps he's looking for a carer in old age. A similar situation almost happened to me but I walked away. Beware.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/07/2023 08:56

OP, this is awful. He's using you - and it's not a genuine relationship.

You also are making yourself incredibly vulnerable. You are living in a house that you have no entitlement to. You say you have some savings that would allow you to rent, but what about long-term?

Do you plan to rent in old-age, post-retirement? This can only be possible if you have access to low-cost, secure housing, which isn't necessarily easy to access.

He is not really in a relationship with you. You're just a presence in his life, and he makes decisions regardless of your needs. The lodger part is just mental.

Listen to your DC! Move out & start planning your future.

Pansypotter123 · 18/07/2023 09:33

Did you rent or own before you moved in with him?

Has he made any provision for you in the event of his death?

Have you thought about where you will live should he die before you? Can you afford to buy?

Pansypotter123 · 18/07/2023 09:35

Really, he's got a live in housekeeper who he doesn't even have to pay (!!), with, I assume, sex when he wants it.

Is this what you want from your life?

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