Am I A Needy Bitch

[Danif68]

Hello All
Im a 55 year old woman and been seeing a guy for 3 years who is 8 years older. He’s done well for himself but his money is his. I support myself working fulltime. I had to raise two kids practically alone and start all over after a divorce years ago. I don’t own my own home. My bf does. Obviously I don’t expect him to help me financially unless I was in a real emergency.
Anyway, in a year he will buy a motor home and he wants to enjoy some travelling and even talking about going places for a few months at a time. I realise when you get to retirement it’s time to enjoy your freedom and hard earned money. It is many peoples goals to do travelling.
I cannot join him as I’ve got a good ten years before I can retire. I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away. I don’t want to stand in his way, but I feel it’s not good for a relationship to spend longish periods apart as one place he intends going to for up to 6 months. I also know there’s a bit of an age gap so it sees us at different stages of life.
Am I overthinking this?

How come your kids see him for who he is OP and you don't?

I'd rather be in my own small house with a small yard than with this awful man.

I feel really bad for your kids having to watch you be treated like this, in a relationship with a man they know is not good. While he crows on about how lucky you are. Ick.

I naturally will look after the house as I stay there and respect that. I love the animals. I don’t want him giving up his retirement plans. I just wanted some middle ground ie: don’t go away for so long because it’s a bit soul destroying if my boyfriend is living a separate life

He's trained you well. This is in the abusive man's handbook.

You aren't expecting too much. If anything you aren't expecting enough. You aren't expecting a relationship built on trust, respect, mutual understanding, kindness.

Get out, while you can. Call/email womens aid to help you get your thoughts together.

This.

The lodger sealed it for me! He's willing to make you live with a stranger for his gain??

Fuck that. Organize your own place to live.

They're correct!

He’s saying a male tenant too who can be handy around the house for DIY repairs if necessary. That makes me more uncomfortable

He doesn’t respect you. He’s dismissive of your feelings. He’s treating you more like a servant than a partner. Your children don’t like him. He plans to put a stranger into your home (he may own it but you live their so it’s currently your home too) for his financial gain. He plans to spend long periods of time away from you. You suspect he’ll cheat on you.

this is not the man for you. Find someone who can’t stand the thought of being apart from you for six months. Raise your expectations. A good partner doesn’t dismiss your feelings.

I think this is the point where you say you will hardly be here, so I don’t see the point of my living here really. Plus I am not going to live with a complete stranger who you get in as a lodger anyway, so the only possible action for me here is to find my own rental from at least December, when you are planning to start this.

and then you look for a flat and move into it.

see if there is any sign he values the relationship when you are back in your own place and not as convenient. Let him find a tenant who will look after his pets and do errands for him, he has thrown your affection away and your free labour goes with it.

Thats fucked up. I couldn't imagine thinking to make my partner live on her own with a guy she didn't know. Obviously she wouldn't feel safe.

(I mean maybe if he said 'how would you feel about it? We can both interview together and pick someone you'll be comfortable with as it'll mostly be you two alone' it might be OK but...).

It's just so mysoginistic. He hadn't considered your feelings or your safety or doesn't care about them - and wants you to know this.

He doesn't like women and he doesn't like you.

Well that’s my big issue is I want to feel I’m with someone who wants to include me as much as possible, enjoys my company and would miss me if they were away long. I realise I cannot change my bf and ultimately I either accept that, or walk away and try find someone on same emotional level.

Hook up with the lodger. Have some fun.

I’m starting to think he’s more suited to someone who wants a more casual relationship. Our goals don’t align and if he’s already feeling like I’m trying to stop his freedom and being too demanding, there’s more than likely not going to be a positive outcome down the track

Offer to look after the house whilst he's gone and his pets. But during this time when you are looking after the house on his behalf I don't believe you should be paying him rent. You are house sitting.

Maybe a contribution towards utility bills yes.

Then, get that rent money in a high interest account. Whilst you are there with minimal outgoings, now Is the time to save hard.

You'll be able to retire early if you are clever with this.

I don't know how much your monthly income is but utilities won't come in at more than £350 a month as a division of the bills. Pocket the rest into a 5 or 6 percent saving account.

Box clever whist keeping your options open. You are actually In a good position, maybe not romantically but practically.

Too old? ODFO with that. There was almost 7 years between my parents and they lasted married for 40-odd (I think 44) years until my dad's death. 17 years between me and my partner. 8 years is absolutely nothing.

You are not needy at all. I think though if he truly wanted to be with you he'd offer for you to give up work and go travelling with him. I'd have a conversation with him about what his expectations of your relationship will be once he retires.

Op you wrote a thread about this not long ago a week or so ? You have missed a bit out of this thread with regard to how he treats you and his porn addiction ,the point being ladybug kind of stuff and one of his trips includes Thailand? If you are that same poster you had some good advice on that thread no too indifferent from this thread despite a few details left out and basically it's very apparent this man is not the right one for you . You are entitled as is everyone to a happy stable and loving relationship where you share goals and dreams together , this situation says non of this ,good luck x

Ok, sorry, I had not read all your replies OP but now I have, I think you aren't compatible at all. It's not the age, 8 years is a nice gap, not too big not too small, but he seems to value his independence far too much and doesn't see you both as a team. He sees you more as a housemate with benefits, like friends with benefits. And he is saving money by having you there and helping pay bills which he'd have to pay 100% for himself if you weren't there. Maybe that's how he got so rich. Bringing in 'boarders' like you to pay half of his costs. It seems like he has been using you. If none of your children like him, that says a lot.

You are not 'clingy' or 'needy' for wanting to have a normal relationship. He is selfish and does not see you as his partner, unfortunately. You're a housemate with benefits, as I said. Don't hang around to look after his house, that you'd get nothing from, not being married, when he's away. Leave now. Stuff him. He can find another 'housemate' to subsidise his selfish cheapskate life.

Him offering to fund the OP to give up work would be a huge risk for both of them. What if they split up in a couple of years time and she can't find a job? He can't fund her for the next 10 years (unless they get married and it seems clear that's not on the cards).

OP isn't asking him to support her financially. She just wants to be with someone who loves her and misses her when they're apart. Which doesn't seem like too much to ask!

Ladyboy not ladybug sorry

I have asked him. He says he will travel. He will go spend time with his son overseas. Maybe help him build a house which will be months away. He will visit his daughters. Go to Asia. Just enjoy doing whatever he wants to do until he’s had enough of travelling or too old to

Why are you clinging on, OP? He can see your desperation a mile off and he keeps telling you, in every way that he can that he's not on the same page as you.

If you stay, he will make your life miserable because he can. He's doing it now.

Are you staying because it's a big house? It's not your big house and it's not really even your home, you're being very much sidelined and shown how little you mean to him... and still you stay and try to justify.

Whatever you post here, please do start looking at making your own plans because it's just a matter of time.

Right, but he's not that someone!

As he is making clear. Why cling to this situation??

And he is aware.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune yes I agree! I thought that was clear from my post!