Am I A Needy Bitch

[Danif68]

Hello All
Im a 55 year old woman and been seeing a guy for 3 years who is 8 years older. He’s done well for himself but his money is his. I support myself working fulltime. I had to raise two kids practically alone and start all over after a divorce years ago. I don’t own my own home. My bf does. Obviously I don’t expect him to help me financially unless I was in a real emergency.
Anyway, in a year he will buy a motor home and he wants to enjoy some travelling and even talking about going places for a few months at a time. I realise when you get to retirement it’s time to enjoy your freedom and hard earned money. It is many peoples goals to do travelling.
I cannot join him as I’ve got a good ten years before I can retire. I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away. I don’t want to stand in his way, but I feel it’s not good for a relationship to spend longish periods apart as one place he intends going to for up to 6 months. I also know there’s a bit of an age gap so it sees us at different stages of life.
Am I overthinking this?

He's talking like he's a single man and you're his house keeper.

Either he lacks empathy OR its deliberate, in order to make you feel 'why is veing with me not enough?'.

Fuck that. Get outa there.

Calling you selfish is mean. It's true that it's not his fault you can't afford to retire, but there's no need to be unpleasant about it. I think this may have run its course OP.

No !
but you have totally different lives

and it’s ok for him to want this
and its ok for this to not work for you

are you private renting ?

he will get in a temporary lodger for extra rent income.

Oh hell no. You have no voice in this relationship do you? None of your wants or needs are being considered, you are "just there" to make his life easier.

It doesn't really matter if it's financially better for you to live with him, your problem is on a deeper level. He's telling you, loud and clear, he doesn't think of you as a life partner. He doesn't care about you enough. And that's got to hurt

I give him money each week - transfer into his bank as I’m staying with him.

He will leave everything to his 3 children one day. I don’t expect to be factored in financially as I didn’t help but his houses or assets. I know he will never marry me or anyone again. That’s ok too. But I do feel after 3 years together he seems rather aloof where his plans don’t include me

I agree OP. It's fair enough for him to prioritise his children financially. But he just doesn't seem to care about you much.

He is going to get in a lodger whilst he's away? How kind of him to consider you and your home. You pay rent. What if you don't want to live with this other person?

You're a lodger yourself, OP. You just perform other services too. I don't think he sees you as a partner and sad as that is, you have to look out for yourself. Please don't leave yourself vulnerable. Stay there while it suits but please work out an exit plan for yourself and never mind his animals and what he wants.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position and I can't see what you're getting out of it. What do you want?

I do have savings if I need to get out. Admittedly I’m not comfortable with someone else possibly coming into the house especially if it’s a male. My bf won’t have expectations of the other tenant to look after the pets or maintain the home and yard. That rests on me

My sister used to get housekeeping jobs through The Lady magazine. I think it's online now but I'm sure you could get a similar role through the website and be paid for it too!

It's an odd relationship where one partner ups and leaves for weeks on end without any consideration for the other. My husband will retire a few years before me, he would never contemplate buggering off for such long periods, and neither would I if circumstances we're reversed. Sorry OP but he doesn't seem bothered about you or your relationship. You're young enough to meet someone who you can make plans and have fun with.

I don’t like the idea of being left regularly especially if it’s months at a time. I wouldn’t do it to a partner. I know everyone is different and my bf says I’m being selfish so that why I’m just asking advice

He is not your partner, you refer to him as a boyfriend - I wouldn't.

What do you actually get out of living with him, OP? Everything is ok as long as you do it his way. If you don't agree then you get called 'selfish'.

What do your children think? I would be very upset if my Mum was living the way you are. I would be worried about your mental health as you're being disregarded and discarded by this twat, sorry - boyfriend.

I’d get off MN and get on to rightmove….

My children don’t like him. They find him too domineering and my daughter says he lacks empathy. They both think I’m wasting my time as our lives look like they’re headed for different trajectories and we have different values in life

So why the title OP? Is that what he says to you?

He has said that I’m too needy and clingy because I said I’d like to spend more time together when he retires and not have him away so much. He also said he would not choose a woman his own age or someone who was able to retire at the same time because it would drive him mad having someone around him too much

And you can tell by now that he isn't going to want to share any of his money with you. You're basically his live-in housekeeper with benefits. He doesn't see you as an equal partner in this relationship, does he?

I'd move out again.

you are making sure you pay your way but is he paying you for looking after the animals and the house?

OP, he isn't going to ever be a partner to you. He either will or won't find a girlfriend at some point but, it isn't going to be you, you will get your marching orders at that point. It couldn't be clearer from what you've posted and I bet we don't have the full story here.

Regardless, how much of your precious time you allow him to waste is entirely up to you... I would be looking to get out now - before he goes away, let him find someone else to look after his precious animals. They are not your problem.

I’ve voiced my concerns over the relationship that I don’t feel truly valued and loved but he says I’m being paranoid and need to chill out and go with the flow and not be intense. I don’t really say anything to him anymore because he doesn’t listen and I wonder if I’m expecting too much

No. He says I’m benefiting because he has a lovely big home in a decent neighbourhood whereas I was in a small home with small yard before

I feel sad for your situation. He is being selfish really. I understand he wants to enjoy retirement but he can’t just let you keep his home for him and getting a lodger in! No way is that ok, it’s meant to be your home.

keep hold of those savings so you can start again if you need too.

He told me not to be selfish and let him enjoy himself. Said it’s not his fault I cannot afford to retire or semi retire and join him.

He sounds awful.

I wouldn't be with someone who treats me like that. (I wouldn't need his money either).

The real problem here to me is your opportunity cost. While you’re stuck alone in his house looking after his pets, you’re not out there meeting a man who is keen to be a proper partner to you! Perhaps someone in your same life stage with his own house but no kids, who would want to get married and build a life with you and give you some financial security as well. That’s what you’re missing out on by staying with this guy.

I’ll basically be home working and looking after his house and animals when he’s away.

Well that's one way of putting it, or you'll just be looking after the home you live in.

Although if you're not happy to look after his animals, he'll have to make arrangements for them and shouldn't expect you to pet sit.

I think it's time for you to make up your mind whether you need to move out and get your own place or stay put.

Either way, I don't blame him for sticking to his retirement plans.