Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this fair? Re finances

86 replies

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 11:45

I usually work term time, dp full time. He pays the mortgage as its in his name but really cheap and most bills. We go half's on food, holiday.
Lately & due to being pregnant I've been out of work. My only income is cb.
I do have savings set aside a few thousand, should I be using my saving to pay for food, or general spends, clothes, a coffee.
Dp has over 30k in savings and manages to save around 3/4k a month after his bills.
When working I would save around 50/100 pound a month.
Since I've not had much work and will be off soon anyway due to summer school holidays & baby due, dp has been transferring a few hundred a month to my account. This covers my half of food shopping & dc clubs.
I have nothing left to buy clothes, play dates, go for a coffee etc. I'd have to ask him to send me more.
Note I do and always have done all the childcare, housework, food shopping, bins, cooking, supporting dc hobbies, everything.
I've also paid for afterschool clubs when I worked as he wouldn't ever adjust his hours because he earns significantly more and wouldn't want to miss out on money.
We have since had a fall out over something else and now he's saying we can have a joint account as long as don't blow his money up the wall, or move his savings into my savings account. Both something I'd never dream of doing anyway.

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 14/07/2023 11:47

No it's not fair.

Why are you not on the mortgage? What if you split?

KnickerlessParsons · 14/07/2023 11:48

Are you married? If not, I'd advise marriage pdq as you're quite vulnerable financially as it stands.

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2023 11:48

How did things work with previous pregnancies?

LittleMrsPretty · 14/07/2023 11:54

Thats not fair but his suggestion of a JA is.

Elfandwellbeing · 14/07/2023 12:01

The fact he calls it “his money” is telling. Yes it’s his earring, but you facilitate those earnings to it’s not “his” money.
JA now. No delay, he can add you online.

Elfandwellbeing · 14/07/2023 12:01

Earnings !!! No earring !

Niftyswiftie · 14/07/2023 12:03

You're in a very vulnerable position not working and being unmarried.

Elfandwellbeing · 14/07/2023 12:09

You are in a vulnerable situation to be unmarried, not on the mortgage, giving up your earning potential and career progression whilst contributing to his. You have not protection, everything to loose.
Marriage is not just about romance it’s a legal contract to protect mothers who support the father of their children to climb the career ladder and increase their earnings.

Pippylongstock · 14/07/2023 12:11

As others have said this is extremely unequal. Sign up to the joint account asap. But if you are not married you are in a very vulnerable position. It breaks my heart to see so many women in such financially vulnerable positions in the UK. Our legal framework absolutely screws you. If you are married you have much more protection.

80s · 14/07/2023 12:11

now he's saying we can have a joint account as long as don't blow his money up the wall, or move his savings into my savings account
It can't be very nice for you having to live with someone who thinks this little of you.
Obviously it's ridiculous for you to be poor because you are the one doing childcare.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 14/07/2023 12:12

If he only only grasps life in monetary terms then invoice him for 50% childcare costs for your dc...
He is financially abusing you op. Cold fact.

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 12:15

As you’re not married, you’re currently a guest in his house and in a remarkably vulnerable position. If you split, you have no home, no income, and no claim on his savings or insurance.

If there was an accident and he died, you’d be in an equally vulnerable position.

Why aren’t you married? Are all of the children his?

Watchkeys · 14/07/2023 12:15

What does he think you're likely to 'blow the money' on? Just trying to get an idea of where he's coming from.

It doesn't sound like he cares much about how you feel.

What's your relationship like in general? Is he Mr Loving and Respectful? How does he respond to you when you talk about your feelings generally? How does he deal with it when you disagree? What's his conflict resolution style?

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:15

You’re being taken for a mug. I never normally spout about marriage but in this instance - you need to get married! ASAP

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 12:16

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 14/07/2023 12:12

If he only only grasps life in monetary terms then invoice him for 50% childcare costs for your dc...
He is financially abusing you op. Cold fact.

This ridiculous suggestion always comes up.

What if he bills her for the accommodation he’s proving her free of charge?

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:17

For all asking- he doesn't want to get married he doesn't believe in it.

Previous pregnancies were before he bought the house. I worked right up to a few weeks before the births and I had help with childcare when I went back to work, which I now don't.

OP posts:
Clutchy · 14/07/2023 12:19

If he’s saving up to £4K a month after all bills, he must be earning well over £60k a year. How are you getting child benefit?

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:20

You are aware that as the house is in his name and you aren’t married - if you were to split tomorrow; you would have no legal right to stay in the home or have any share of equity.

If you were to split tomorrow- he could get away with paying the bare minimum in child maintenece (and that’s if he decides to pay as CM can’t physically enforce it) and you and your Childrens life could be turned upside down. You could end up homeless or being put in a hostel until the council find you a home.

This screams madness from every way I look at it. I don’t know why women give up so much of their lives and independence for a partner that won’t even commit to them! It’s mind blowing really! And to only realise it now - now your pregnant and virtually living in nothing whilst his life is unaffected and his children are being cared for for free, and his home being maintained whilst he is the only one benefitting from it. MAD

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:20

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 12:19

If he’s saving up to £4K a month after all bills, he must be earning well over £60k a year. How are you getting child benefit?

That’s a good point. OP must be claiming as a single parent 🤔

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:21

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:17

For all asking- he doesn't want to get married he doesn't believe in it.

Previous pregnancies were before he bought the house. I worked right up to a few weeks before the births and I had help with childcare when I went back to work, which I now don't.

MADNESS!!

Well he doesn’t believe in marriage so you better believe your a mug to let him use you like this

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:22

I’m sorry to be blunt but right now your nothing more than a gloried housekeeper/ nanny.

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:23

I didn't realise there was a cut off for child benefit
And I've only recently moved back in with him. This is something else I need to discuss now as I will have to cancel it as I don't want to end up owing it back or ending up In trouble myself.
I was on uc but cancelled that when I moved bk in. @Clutchy

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 14/07/2023 12:24

You are in an extremley vulnerable position

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:25

It's OK @HelloFreshed I'd rather u be blunt. This Is the discussion I've had but he usually laughs saying I just want to spend all his money.

OP posts:
bracingair · 14/07/2023 12:25

You don't need to pay back the CHB - he would have to as the higher earner