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Original poster

Is this fair? Re finances

86 replies

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 11:45

I usually work term time, dp full time. He pays the mortgage as its in his name but really cheap and most bills. We go half's on food, holiday.
Lately & due to being pregnant I've been out of work. My only income is cb.
I do have savings set aside a few thousand, should I be using my saving to pay for food, or general spends, clothes, a coffee.
Dp has over 30k in savings and manages to save around 3/4k a month after his bills.
When working I would save around 50/100 pound a month.
Since I've not had much work and will be off soon anyway due to summer school holidays & baby due, dp has been transferring a few hundred a month to my account. This covers my half of food shopping & dc clubs.
I have nothing left to buy clothes, play dates, go for a coffee etc. I'd have to ask him to send me more.
Note I do and always have done all the childcare, housework, food shopping, bins, cooking, supporting dc hobbies, everything.
I've also paid for afterschool clubs when I worked as he wouldn't ever adjust his hours because he earns significantly more and wouldn't want to miss out on money.
We have since had a fall out over something else and now he's saying we can have a joint account as long as don't blow his money up the wall, or move his savings into my savings account. Both something I'd never dream of doing anyway.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/07/2023 13:17

No that's not fair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2023 13:20

What’s the back story with you moving out and then back in again?

Kittykelly123 · 14/07/2023 13:21

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:48

@TheModHatter there's no way he'd agree to any of that. He thinks I only want to gey married so I can divorce him an get half the house ' said by him in a jokey way'

This is abusive - Imagine saying to your life partner (with 2 DC and another on the way) that they are only after half the house. Imagine buying the house in a sole name when you are living with and have children with your life partner. Please take the advice above. You really are in a vulnerable position. He does not respect you and is only thinking of himself. Very selfish way to carry on.

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 13:22

@Zonder I done that last time we separated and he accused me of money grabbing and laughed at the thought of paying that much

OP posts:
Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 13:26

@AnneLovesGilbert we separated a while back and I moved out with the kids and rented with help from uc
But he's pleaded to get back together an work on things which is why I gave up my home an we moved back in.

OP posts:
Dery · 14/07/2023 13:31

He doesn’t believe in marriage but he’s happy to have 3 children with you!? So you’re good enough to have his children but not good enough to publicly commit to? It’s just bollocks, OP. And this is what’s driving his thinking on money. You have 3 children together. You should be a team. He clearly doesn’t see you that way.

Zonder · 14/07/2023 13:43

In that case I would say you're never going to be an equal partner and he will always go for what he wants. It's up to you whether you are happy with this. I hope you know you are worth so much more.

cloudsintheceiling · 14/07/2023 13:52

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:17

For all asking- he doesn't want to get married he doesn't believe in it.

Previous pregnancies were before he bought the house. I worked right up to a few weeks before the births and I had help with childcare when I went back to work, which I now don't.

What about a civil partnership then?

frazzledasarock · 14/07/2023 13:53

Why did you give up your home?

move back out he sounds like a sick.

apply for CMS and UC.

JeandeServiette · 14/07/2023 14:01

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 13:26

@AnneLovesGilbert we separated a while back and I moved out with the kids and rented with help from uc
But he's pleaded to get back together an work on things which is why I gave up my home an we moved back in.

You'd be better off making a life for yourself and working in a career plan.

At least if you're separated he will have to pay CM.

If he'd wanted you back so badly, he could have put your name on the house deeds, agreed a regular payment to you for spends or married you. But he doesn't want to share. He wants a wife but without the legal and financial ties.

Naunet · 14/07/2023 14:20

I’m sorry to be harsh OP, but you’ve made a lot of bad choices that haven’t been in your best interests, the biggest of which is making yourself reliant on a selfish man. It’s time to start prioritising yourself. What’s your plan if he was to kick you out of his house?

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 14:51

There’s no point being an Ask hole (someone who asks for advice with no intention to actually listen to it and do something about it)

Your updates are drip feeds and yet more excuses.

You want to play the fool, so do so, but don’t ask for advice and then continue to make dumb choices. His told you how things are going to be and you have no legal rights so either get in with it or plan the next step. 🙄

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/07/2023 14:55

You should be no worse off by moving in with him, and no worse off when you're on maternity leave.

You shouldn't be using savings for your mat leave.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/07/2023 14:58

When he says work on things, is he changing at all or is the work actually all done by you?

ArcticSkewer · 14/07/2023 15:05

Move back out again and live on your own terms.
Can you afford to screw yourself over this much by not working full time?

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2023 23:14

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 13:26

@AnneLovesGilbert we separated a while back and I moved out with the kids and rented with help from uc
But he's pleaded to get back together an work on things which is why I gave up my home an we moved back in.

What work has he done exactly?

He's playing you for a mug.

Dotcheck · 14/07/2023 23:20

Yet another man who doesn’t see the value in childcare, and assumes pregnancy and children shouldn’t impact him in any way.

So deeply unattractive

Noicant · 14/07/2023 23:26

He’s basically a giant shit. You would be better off out of the house and not contributing to his living costs.

Noicant · 14/07/2023 23:29

Also someone who actually loves you doesn’t treat you this way, how are you better off with him than without?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2023 00:03

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:48

@TheModHatter there's no way he'd agree to any of that. He thinks I only want to gey married so I can divorce him an get half the house ' said by him in a jokey way'

What about a civil partnership

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2023 00:04

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 13:26

@AnneLovesGilbert we separated a while back and I moved out with the kids and rented with help from uc
But he's pleaded to get back together an work on things which is why I gave up my home an we moved back in.

I think the getting back together should in condition of marriage

QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 02:45

It never ceases to amaze me how low the bar is set for some women. Raise your standards. Get your ducks in a row. You're fucked if he decides to dump you

Splishsploshsplash · 15/07/2023 03:47

I knew this would be unfair before I opened the thread. Multiple times a week women start threads in your position.

Get a full time job, tell him if he cares about you he’ll put you on the mortgage. If not sort yourself out and leave this idiot who thinks so little if you.

We should all get our kids who are young adults (male and female) to read these threads. Teach our daughters about the importance of financial independence and our sons to not be dickheads. It seems so common that this happens.

Original poster
Carollinq · 15/07/2023 08:33

@Unexpectedlysinglemum that was the original plan, but it's gone out the window in favour of holidays, now he wants to pay off the house by 2025 so it's on the back burner. Unfortunately I can't force this.

I do think now it was all talk with no intention of marriage but I know he wouldn't kick us out I'm not about to come homeless but I don't feel comfortable spending my savings that's what I was asking originally as I wasn't sure I was right in doing this.

OP posts:
TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 15/07/2023 08:35

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:17

For all asking- he doesn't want to get married he doesn't believe in it.

Previous pregnancies were before he bought the house. I worked right up to a few weeks before the births and I had help with childcare when I went back to work, which I now don't.

Fuxk that

Get yourself a full time job
Not term time

Let him sort child care and house