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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this fair? Re finances

86 replies

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 11:45

I usually work term time, dp full time. He pays the mortgage as its in his name but really cheap and most bills. We go half's on food, holiday.
Lately & due to being pregnant I've been out of work. My only income is cb.
I do have savings set aside a few thousand, should I be using my saving to pay for food, or general spends, clothes, a coffee.
Dp has over 30k in savings and manages to save around 3/4k a month after his bills.
When working I would save around 50/100 pound a month.
Since I've not had much work and will be off soon anyway due to summer school holidays & baby due, dp has been transferring a few hundred a month to my account. This covers my half of food shopping & dc clubs.
I have nothing left to buy clothes, play dates, go for a coffee etc. I'd have to ask him to send me more.
Note I do and always have done all the childcare, housework, food shopping, bins, cooking, supporting dc hobbies, everything.
I've also paid for afterschool clubs when I worked as he wouldn't ever adjust his hours because he earns significantly more and wouldn't want to miss out on money.
We have since had a fall out over something else and now he's saying we can have a joint account as long as don't blow his money up the wall, or move his savings into my savings account. Both something I'd never dream of doing anyway.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2023 09:12

Carollinq · 15/07/2023 08:33

@Unexpectedlysinglemum that was the original plan, but it's gone out the window in favour of holidays, now he wants to pay off the house by 2025 so it's on the back burner. Unfortunately I can't force this.

I do think now it was all talk with no intention of marriage but I know he wouldn't kick us out I'm not about to come homeless but I don't feel comfortable spending my savings that's what I was asking originally as I wasn't sure I was right in doing this.

You can do a quick cheap registry office or town hall though and then do a bigger wedding later - finances aren't excuse not to be married

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2023 09:16

If he says 'you want marriage so you can leave me and run off with the cash' you can refute that with 'no, clearly you can see how much I've given up security wise totally decimating myself to this family our kids and your career. That YOU are refusing to marry ME suggests that it's YOU that wants the option to leave- if you don't and you want us to continue to build this home together with me being part time/sham then we need to get married.
If not, then I'll need to work full time /study etc to build a career for myself for my own security and you will have to take a turn cutting down your hours or being part time so that you can do all the school runs and take kids to bday parties and be up with the baby in the night. When he realized how ridiculous he finds that prospect then it should help him see sense but you need to be firm!

DixonD · 15/07/2023 09:16

Elfandwellbeing · 14/07/2023 12:01

The fact he calls it “his money” is telling. Yes it’s his earring, but you facilitate those earnings to it’s not “his” money.
JA now. No delay, he can add you online.

It is HIS money. He earned it and they’re not married.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2023 09:16

dedicating
SAHM

MichelleScarn · 15/07/2023 09:33

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/07/2023 14:55

You should be no worse off by moving in with him, and no worse off when you're on maternity leave.

You shouldn't be using savings for your mat leave.

Don't most people have to use savings for mat leave and find their income drops?

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 09:38

It is HIS money. He earned it and they’re not married

It's also HIS relationship, in which he is happy for his partner to save him money and time on childcare, cleaning, cooking, ferrying the kids around etc.

You're supposed to be relating to each other, @Carollinq. That's the definition of a healthy relationship: 2 people who relate to each other. Do you feel he relates to you?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/07/2023 09:41

@MichelleScarn yes people do use savings when on maternity leave, but not when the other parent, who's still earning, earns enough to cover all the bills, stuff for the baby etc AND is still able to put money away.

Why should the op use her last remaining savings to pay for may leave when her dh earns enough to pay his bills and still put 3/4K a month away in 'his' savings.

Parkandpicnic · 15/07/2023 09:55

We have a joint account and take an equal set amount out of it each month for our own personal spending (coffee’s out with friends, presents, clothes etc) anything else goes into our joint account. We both equally contribute to the household/raising of the kids but in different ways so this makes for a fairest system and in the spirit of sharing as per our marriage vows.

burnoutbabe · 15/07/2023 10:05

It's not fair but there isn't much you can do about it if he doesn't want to.

Parkandpicnic · 15/07/2023 10:42

Too add, just noticed your not married/he’s not ready to make that commitment, so think the fair thing for him to do would be to give you the equivalent of 2.5 days a week of nursery fees to cover the shortfall of you maternity pay as he’d supposedly be doing that anyway if you just went back to work full time

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 15/07/2023 10:46

MichelleScarn · 15/07/2023 09:33

Don't most people have to use savings for mat leave and find their income drops?

Show quote history

Not when the father of your children is saving money while your income is diminished due to bearing and raising them, and being an unpaid skivvy

Aim higher love

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